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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 21:36

GinUnicorn - you aren't married or have children? Surely you would have got past crashing at someone's house if you did.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/11/2019 21:39

@MargotLovedTom1 DID Margo love Tom? I know they were all close, but she seemed quite a cold fish.

Delatron · 28/11/2019 21:39

I think posters talking about going to gigs and crashing with their friend’s boyfriends maybe of a younger age group...

I’m sure I used to do this, pre marriage and kids...

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 21:43

Delatron - that's what I thought. I was pretty crazy Grin. In my younger days but if you want a marriage to work then you do have to have respect for your OH and acting more mature. I still lo e a night out and a bottle of wine at 1am but with my DH.

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 21:46

Also, to the posters who say you can do it with your OH and your friends Husband then you have got too much free time. Do you work, spend time with the kids, excerxise, clean? I can't fit anybody else's Husband in.

ploopsie · 28/11/2019 21:50

I don't tend to crash at friends houses anymore but we sometimes stay over as a couple. I still holiday with friends with & without DH.

I like a night out & a bottle of wine with DH & friends, without DH & only DH. Not sure how that's a reflection of how respectful & mature I am.

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 21:51

I only see my female bestest friends occasionally as we are so busy. Never mind fitting in one of their DH's in for a cheeky coffee FFS.

ploopsie · 28/11/2019 21:51

Also, to the posters who say you can do it with your OH and your friends Husband then you have got too much free time.

Do what? socialise?

Motoko · 28/11/2019 21:53

Inviting someone up for a drink, after a night out together, is generally code for "Wanna have sex?". That's possibly why people find it uncomfortable.

I think the husband had ulterior motives, so was probably disappointed when nothing happened.

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 21:58

I socialise with my DH, Family, Best Friends, Work Friends even the Dogs. I do not have time for my Friends Husbands solo.

Gallivespian · 28/11/2019 21:59

I’m married with a child and a FT job. I still go out with people, sometimes male people, who aren’t my husband.

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 22:03

Gallivespian - so do I, my DH knows. Have you read the whole thread?

Foxton20 · 28/11/2019 22:03

I’m not going to lie the thought of my husband doing this while I was away with my child makes me feel sick, and I trust him 100%.

Same as I respect my husband enough to not do it to him. Yes the coffee/gig is fine but inviting back is over stepping the trust 😐

Gallivespian · 28/11/2019 22:09

Yes, I have @MargotB7. The point I’m responding to is the one you made when you said you were too busy to see even your best female friends more than occasionally, and when you said ‘do you work, spend time with the kids, exercise, clean?’

Delatron · 28/11/2019 22:13

I agree, I barely find time to socialise with my own husband let alone someone else’s!

I’m projecting slightly as if my husband spent this much time (lunch date, evening gig, drinks till 1pm at hers) doing something really fun with a friend of mine whilst I was stuck at home with the kids I’d definitely think ‘eh what what about me?’

OxfordCat · 28/11/2019 22:14

Hi @EssentialHummus

Now you've explained that the gig was just the two of you, I'm wondering if, in the cold light if day you have thought this could all be a little bit odd? He called you to the cafe, then invited you out but without any other people there, and then willingly came back to yours for a nightcap, rather than saying he had to get back to his wife. AND all of this just happened to take place when your DH & DC were away...  In all seriousness, looking at this in black and white does it occur to you he was possibly making moves?

Could he have already known that your DH / DC we're away that night? If so, how?

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 28/11/2019 22:15

Depends on how close of friends you are. Is he your friend and you would still regard him as such if he was not in a relationship with your friend? TBH it probably should have stopped after having the coffee and pub. Inviting him home until 1AM could be seen as crossing some boundaries. Trust my fiancé 100% and if he said he was going for coffee or drinks with a friend I would say have fun and to say hi for me. If he went home with this female friend and had drinks until 1AM that would be a completely different story and I would be less then impressed. Not because I do not trust him but because this behavior would make me feel disrespected that he would cross such a boundry

ploopsie · 28/11/2019 22:18

well if you're posting on MNs you can't be that busy.....

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 22:19

Gallivespian - oh, I meant I see all my favourite people but can't be bothered to see my friends Husbands in my free time. Boring, I'd rather spend time with my DH (I fancy him more and don't get enough time with him).

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 28/11/2019 22:23

I would not like this op but each to their own. I'm the jealous type and want my dh to hang about with me only until one of us diesGrin

Delatron · 28/11/2019 22:23

Yes because occasionally posting on mumsnet takes the same time (arranging babysitters, husband being in the same county etc) as going out for the whole evening 🙄. Stupid post ploopsie

ploopsie · 28/11/2019 22:24

So @MargotB7 does that mean you seen your bestest friends more than occasionally?

BitOfFun · 28/11/2019 22:24

I think it's the "invited him up to mine for another drink" which is giving the impression of the proverbial "Come up and see me sometime", like you'd be leading the way up the stairs to slip into something more comfortable...

More prosaically, it's the combination of you having your husband and child out of the way, along with the idea of his wife "getting on" with something domestic while he can't bear go home which makes this appear potentially dishonest. I can understand why your other friend thought it seemed inappropriate.

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 22:25

ploopsie - just filling time as my DH is not very well. I suppose I could have gone out with another bloke but thought I'd stay in and chill with the dogs

ploopsie · 28/11/2019 22:26

It was tongue in cheek @Delatron, not surprised it went over your head though 😜