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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/11/2019 19:44

Is it just me, or is OP a tad smug? I'm a cynical mare, though.

carolinelucaseshandbag · 28/11/2019 19:46

I'm just thinking about a scenario where I would do what the OP (and the man) did. I have several friends where I am also friends with the DH to the level that the OP describes.
The lunch at the cafe, ok if the DH knows you're round and wants some company.
The evening in the pub; i could not imagine doing this without letting the DW know. As someone has said "hey friend, your DH has suggested I go see ++++ band tonight with him, in really sorry you can't make it too, will make sure I get him home in one piece, promise!" kind of thing. Unless I was friends with the DH first and that was normal behaviour between us. But it's clearly not.
I'd love to know what happens when the DW next speaks to the OP, but I suspect we'll never know Grin

MalaRon · 28/11/2019 19:51

I would not be cool with this at all. However, if your DH and his DW are fine with it I suppose that’s all that matters.

HighlyUnlikely · 28/11/2019 19:52

I suspect the wife will have been told a slightly massaged version. Invite to the cafe, ok, fine... but “I mentioned the music night at the pub and she decided to turn up too”. The night cap? More people there, not just the two of them.

Watch you don’t get a panicky text from him OP, asking you to match his story, especially about the after pub drink.

WWlOOlWW · 28/11/2019 19:53

I'd think it was a bit odd if one of my friends 'arranged' to go out with my DH in advance - even if it was my best friend of 45 years.

But I'd think nothing of it if they happen to bump into each other on the way home from work / out shopping etc and went for a couple of drinks. I'd also go for a couple of drinks if I bumped into a friends husband (probably only 3 of them because I'd consider them friends outside of my relationship with their wives) if we both fancied a drink.

I'd also text my mate telling them I've stolen their husband for an hour or two.

Delatron · 28/11/2019 19:55

I think if they’d bumped in to each other fine.

It’s the specific phone call to the OP to ask her to join him. On a day he was going to the pub (alone) and her husband happened to be away with the kids. She may be all wide eyed and innocent but I don’t think he is.

Charley50 · 28/11/2019 19:56

CarolineLucas - that's true actually. Tbh at the point where he invited me to the gig I'd have texted my friend and said I was thinking of going, is she sure she can't come too? Kind of thing.. I wouldn't have just gone. It would feel sneaky.
And if my friend had gone out with my DP and not mentioned it I'd be very suspicious of them both.

Muddledfeelings · 28/11/2019 19:56

Wouldn't it have been nice to ring your friend/his DW and offer to go back to their home with a takeaway and a bottle of wine? Instead of going back to yours and not including her whatsoever. She is your friend afterall and you're with her husband. I would have felt pretty left out if I was her.

ReturnofSaturn · 28/11/2019 20:10

I really don't believe the OP is as naive and innocent as she is making out here.

I'm cynical too so I wonder if part of the reason for starting this thread was to get the ''he's into you!'' replies.

Cornettoninja · 28/11/2019 20:11

Wouldn't it have been nice to ring your friend/his DW and offer to go back to their home with a takeaway and a bottle of wine?

This is what I would think of as normal behaviour tbh.

We can only go off our own experiences but I would feel really betrayed by my ‘mum’ friend who I’d bonded with over the tough first couple of years of parenthood with, going out with my partner for precisely the kind of fun night out that had suffered in my own relationship. I would be less bothered by the attraction angle (simply because that’s not a massive issue in my own relationship anyway

  • I can understand where other posters are coming from though and agree it’s a legitimate theory) and more hurt and jealous of a friend taking my former role as someone to have spontaneous fun with rather than the drudgery of real life.

Of course this woman and her husband could have a fantastic social life but it’s dense and dismissive to to deny that a lot of people wouldn’t have issues with this scenario for a lot of reasons.

ReturnofSaturn · 28/11/2019 20:13

I agree Cornettoninja

Even if you knew for a fact neither of you had any romantic intentions whatsoever, why would you potentially risk pissing off your girl friend?

MonstranceClock · 28/11/2019 20:27

Gosh, so glad I don’t have weird jealous friends! I recently went away with my friends boyfriend, just me and him. We even shared a hotel room!

ploopsie · 28/11/2019 20:30

Wouldn't it have been nice to ring your friend/his DW and offer to go back to their home with a takeaway and a bottle of wine?

Maybe the husband did ask & wife wasn't bothered?

I thought I was a cynical but clearly not judging by some of the response on this thread!

1Morewineplease · 28/11/2019 20:33

OP
If you feel that what you both did was perfectly acceptable to all parties , then why did you post on AIBU ?

MrsJBaptiste · 28/11/2019 20:35

I would have thought this was fine as my DH is someone who gets on with everyone, has female friends, etc.

Six months ago he told me that the relationship with one of these platonic female friends wasn't actually so innocent and my world fell apart.

So I really don't know what to think about the OP.

Gallivespian · 28/11/2019 20:38

I raised my eyebrows at this initially, then realised I’d misread, and thought you’d gone straight from lunchtime coffee to the pub, then the gig — and my objection was that neither of you would have done a jot of work all day! But otherwise, it’s not at all odd to me.

Though I would assume the friend’s DH is well on the way to becoming your friend, too, for you to enjoy spending that much time on a single day with him. Which is nice.

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 20:40

MonstranceClock - how did that come about? Just curious.

MonstranceClock · 28/11/2019 20:41

@MargotB7 our birthdays are the same day, we went to London to watch a band (metal band which his partner doesn’t like). We shared a room because it’s cheaper.

JadeDragon23 · 28/11/2019 20:42

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate

Christ. Do you generally have problems in recognising inappropriate behaviour?

champagneandfromage50 · 28/11/2019 20:43

My DH and I are close friends with a couple and have been for over 20yrs. If he had invited me for a coffee it wouldn’t be an issue. If however he then called me about coming out for drinks when he knew my DH was away and his wife and DC were at home I would find that odd. Our friendships are based on us as couples getting together and me and whilst me and my male friend are usually the ones sitting up chatting all night when our respective partners go to bed I would find it odd for us to be going out without our OH....

BarrenFieldofFucks · 28/11/2019 21:00

The OP is a long term, very sane and normal poster (as far as online life can tell us!) so I'm very much believing her take on it. But I am very cynical about him and his motives because to me it is all very odd.

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 21:02

MonstranceClock - I see that as alright as obviously your friend knew. I'm just shy and wouldn't be able to so yes I am a bit weird.

I still think OP was wrong.

Gallivespian · 28/11/2019 21:13

Just chiming in to say that I also think of @EssentialHummus as an entirely sane and commonsensical longterm poster, who doesn’t strike me as someone to not notice creepy advances being made to her. Or, for that matter, to have invited this guy in to inspect her etchings, so to speak, and come on Mn to perfect her cover story.

GinUnicorn · 28/11/2019 21:17

I genuinely can’t see an issue. If you guys are friends and it’s innocent then what’s the harm. I’d have no issue with DP going drinking with female friends or even crashing at theirs.

MargotLovedTom1 · 28/11/2019 21:29

I find it odd that OP says she'll tell her friend about being out with him next time she sees her, suggesting she (OP) is assuming he won't have already told his wife himself. I would be very pissed off (and thinking WTF is going on) if my mate casually dropped into the conversation "Oh yeah, I was at that music night with your Dave the other night, and he came back to mine after," and it was the first I'd heard about it. I'd be pissed off if I was told straight after the event as well, to be honest.

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