Cooking for another woman's husband

[popsydoodle4444]

Need to get this off my chest.

There's a back story so trying to some it up.DH's BF=married female.She hates me.She'd rather I was out of the way.Seems to think DH is hers and encourages problems in our marriage.

Seems to think I'm a neglectful wife,likes to tell me my house is a shithole and my husband hates coming home.

My DH spends far too much time there and stays over.We have had numerous massive arguments about the intimate nature of their relationship,him staying over,dodging his responsibilities at home and hiding there,him oversharing details of our marriage that's no one else's business and her shitty attitude towards me.

Her DH just goes along with whatever she does.I have a sickening suspicion that my her&my DH have also crossed the friendship line.I don't trust her as far as I can chuck her.She walked out on her ex&their kids for her current DH.

The tensions this causes in our relationship resulted in a temporary separation earlier this year.

Hubby stayed there again last night under the pretence of doing some work for them last night/today.He as usual has acted like myself&our kids don't exist for the last 24 hours which is what he does when he's there.Its complete radio silence from him.

Today I've been trying to pin him down about coming home and he won't give me a definitive answer.My Teen DD called her dad as her dad going off like this makes her anxious and asked him when he's coming home and his reply was he's going to have dinner then come home later.

This means that his BF rather than telling him to go home to his family and eat with me is cooking him dinner and encouraging him to loiter.

This has really infuriated me and I snapped and told him that if she's cooking his dinner then why not let her have a few more of my wifely duties like getting to wash his skid marks out of his underwear and swallowing a mouthful of his semen (that's the polite term I didn't use) and I told him that tonight they've both crossed a boundary.

AIBU in expecting him to do the normal thing of coming home from work to his wife for dinner for instead of continuing to leave me alone with our Children in our home whilst ignoring me.

My friends and family think he's a fool who's serving his own selfish needs and I should take the kids and move out as their all fed up with the way he treats his family.

Thanks for reading,it makes me feel better to just let it all out.

Only you have the ability and motivation to change yours and your DCs life for the better.
He is not a husband. He a liar, a cheat, a total arsehole with absolutely zero respect for you.
You really do need to work on your own self esteem and self worth to realise that this situation is absolutely not acceptable.
A permanent separation is the only answer and you need to do it as soon as possible for both you and your DCs sake.

My friends and family think he's a fool who's serving his own selfish needs and I should take the kids and move out as their all fed up with the way he treats his family.

They're wrong. Pardon my bluntness, but you are the fool here.

Why are you calling him begging him to come home? He is laughing at you.

I agree with so many others here - you should put all his stuff, skid marks and all, into some black bin bags and leave it all out in front of your home. Tell him he can pick it up whenever he wants.

Throw him out, in other words, and do not let him back.

You need to put an end to this drama. Your poor DD will feel so much better when her life is not dominated by the uncertainty of your chaotic relationship.

...trying to push me out of my own marriage.
You don't have a marriage. He's made his choice.

What the heck do you want him back for?

Go to the CBA tomorrow and find out how you can manage to live without this waste of space.

What are you entitled to as a single mother?
What housing might you qualify for?
Are you paying rent to H's relative?
Do you have a lease?
Can you approach the relative to let you stay with the children in the house until you find somewhere else, in light of H's abandonment of the family?
Does H have an income?

Let him off with his trollop and try to explain to the DCs that this is how it is. It makes no difference to anything except your pride where he spends his nights. It would be far better for everyone if he were to just leave.

Him coming and going as he pleases is probably making DD more anxious than she would be if he just stayed away. Your anxiety over this is probably rubbing off on her too, and any anger he displays during rows you have together.

Block the GF on your phone and SM - no more fighting with her over your useless H. Don't give him that satisfaction.

Omg your husband is a colossal bellend. I'd be livid and am on your behalf 😡

It doesn't matter if it was a he it wouldn't seem as bad, but the fact is, it's a SHE. It does change everything, she's trying to play the role of a wife and upsurp the poster. It's actually vicious and cruel.

Op your husband should have dumped his friend the moment she made it clear she doesn't like you, it appears that at the very least, an emotional affair is happening.

You deserve so much better. Hugs

@popsydoodle4444 have you posted about them before? I remember another thread with the same set up, husband with married female BF, who he often went for sleepovers with.

Was that you, and did you separate after that?

Anyway, you know what you need to do, but this time, make it permanent. It's affecting your DD, so you owe it to her, and your other children to get rid, and give them a stable homelife.

Keep talking to us, we'll give you advice and a handhold.

You need to get rid of him OP. Have some self respect. You are the only fool here for putting up with such shit treatment.

Your daughter’s anxiety will settle a little when she doesn’t have your dickhead H playing mind games every time he leaves the house.

Tell her DH that your h is staying over while he’s on nights. Hopefully that should create some tension.

If your a career and have 3 children you will be ok, not a brilliant income by any means but liveable. Do you get carers allowance? You need to go onto the turn2us benefits calculator and work out what you will get. You will also get help towards your rent so find out your bedroom entitlement which I think would be 3 the check the loc housing allowance in your area. If you get carers allowance you won't be expected to job search. Of the the top of my head
If your child gets DLA and you get carers you will get around 1400£ uc per month, plus rent. Then child benifit, DLA and carers allowance on top.

Even though you live in his family members house you still have rights they can just chuck you out without following the legal process and if they try you can call the police for support.

You deserve so much more OP an I hope the information I've given gives some help to making you feel independent.

You know she isn’t the problem but it’s easier to focus your attention on her because you won’t admit that your H is a waste of space. If you did, it might prompt you to get rid.

Op, I echo the sentiments of others.
They have definitely shagged and are probably still shagging
Tell him to stay where he is that YOU don’t want him back. He’s so damn stupid

It’s already finished isn’t it he doesn’t wanna be there and eventually he just wont come home. So why not find what dignity you have and end it before he makes a fool of you more.
He’s such a knob.

So you need to end the drama . For everyone’s sake.
Go to citizens advice. Get all you money sorted .
Get child maintenance sorted
Kick him out
And you could start finding a life for you and the kids that’s with respect and a semblance of serenity

If you do want to leave him, you should check with a solicitor what to do. The fact he has "left" home might be in your favour!
Also could you ask ypur family for some financial help to get you out of there?

Oh my god. He is making your daughter physically and mentally ill!!!

Part of why she is I'll is because of him!!

You have to leave him!!

If not for your own sake, for your daughter's .

If you don't want her to end up with a partner just like him, get out now. By any means.

What an utter cunt he is.

YOU are allowing this to continue unstopped.

YOU are allowing your husband to behave in this disgusting, appalling way towards you and your children

And because of this, your children are suffering

What is wrong with you?

Kick him out. Now. Pack his stuff and move him out. Now.

Show your children that you believe in yourself, that you are strong and that you have high self esteem

Fake it to start with, if necessary, but for fucks sake STOP acting like a doormat and stop empowering your husbands unbelievably atrocious behaviour

Stop now. Get rid of the wankstain today.

Have some self respect and leave.

And if that isn’t motivating enough, have some respect for your children.

Your husband has literally spent two nights with his girlfriend and triggered your daughters anxiety so badly that she vomited.

You're being taken for a complete mug.

Why on earth do you want him back. Its obviously an ongoing affair. As pp's have stated you would be supported benefit wise. His family can't just evict you. The process they need to go thru takes approx 3months. Housing will tell you to ignore any eviction date from that first process & stay put til Bailiffs arrive (which takes another 3months & costs another £1k). Then you show up at Housing with the Bailiff paperwork, to get rehoused. If you leave before the Bailiffs turn up, they regard it as you've "made yourself intentionally homeless" & they won't help. Same applies if you go to stay with family as a stop gap, that would be counted as not homeless & no help would be forthcoming. He's done the same thing twice now, it's obviously a pattern he's not willing to change. Do yourself & your children a favour.

You know they're at it like rabbits right?

You and your DCs deserve much better x

I’m shocked .. he’s clearly cheating on you and doesn’t give a fuck about you or the kids or he would be home. She obviously tells him he’s misunderstood and only she really knows him.
Please leave him , this is toxic for you and your poor kids , I’m sure he’ll realise this woman is not all she’s cracked up to be if he was there full time but by then you’ll all be happy without him

Don’t move out of the house. Even if it’s owned by his relatives you still have legal rights. They will have to take court proceedings to evict you and that is a lengthy process. Make sure you apply as soon as possible for social housing in your area. Go to your local council and put in an application to be on their housing register. They will give you advise on your legal position regarding where you live at the moment. Get advise on starting divorce proceedings. A much better life is out there for you and your children. He is scum and you deserve better

He doesn’t love you he doesn’t even like or respect you.

For your dd’s MH you need to leave.

It sounds like emotional abuse so women’s aid may be able to help.

Do you have any funds for a private let?

Would the relative not let you stay in the house? Your children are their family too. Might be worth getting in touch with them

Sounds like he is a lot more invested in bf and relationship then his marriage. Could you start planning on leaving him, setting yourself up financially and getting a place to live etc in place then leave him.

He's told me this morning apparently I take no interest in his life and he can't include me in his friendship because "You sit there with a face like a wet weekend".

No,I've sat there in the past and had to listen to his BF monopolising the conversation and making sly digs at me.I couldn't have been made to feel anymore unwelcome if she'd tried and frankly to him anything she says is gospel.

Unsurprisingly what I can gather she doesn't really get on with other women and has very few actual female friends and spends most of her time in the company of men.

No matter what I say or do he'll always find a way of justifying his behaviour.

And someone mentioned in an above comment about her leaving her child making her scum.I don't think there's any justification for her leaving her kids,she's told everyone it's because her ex partner was abusive.Why would you leave your children with an abuser?,she was having an affair.It riles me that he thinks the sun shines out of her arse yet anyone other woman who ditched her kids would be dirt in his eyes.