Cooking for another woman's husband

[popsydoodle4444]

Need to get this off my chest.

There's a back story so trying to some it up.DH's BF=married female.She hates me.She'd rather I was out of the way.Seems to think DH is hers and encourages problems in our marriage.

Seems to think I'm a neglectful wife,likes to tell me my house is a shithole and my husband hates coming home.

My DH spends far too much time there and stays over.We have had numerous massive arguments about the intimate nature of their relationship,him staying over,dodging his responsibilities at home and hiding there,him oversharing details of our marriage that's no one else's business and her shitty attitude towards me.

Her DH just goes along with whatever she does.I have a sickening suspicion that my her&my DH have also crossed the friendship line.I don't trust her as far as I can chuck her.She walked out on her ex&their kids for her current DH.

The tensions this causes in our relationship resulted in a temporary separation earlier this year.

Hubby stayed there again last night under the pretence of doing some work for them last night/today.He as usual has acted like myself&our kids don't exist for the last 24 hours which is what he does when he's there.Its complete radio silence from him.

Today I've been trying to pin him down about coming home and he won't give me a definitive answer.My Teen DD called her dad as her dad going off like this makes her anxious and asked him when he's coming home and his reply was he's going to have dinner then come home later.

This means that his BF rather than telling him to go home to his family and eat with me is cooking him dinner and encouraging him to loiter.

This has really infuriated me and I snapped and told him that if she's cooking his dinner then why not let her have a few more of my wifely duties like getting to wash his skid marks out of his underwear and swallowing a mouthful of his semen (that's the polite term I didn't use) and I told him that tonight they've both crossed a boundary.

AIBU in expecting him to do the normal thing of coming home from work to his wife for dinner for instead of continuing to leave me alone with our Children in our home whilst ignoring me.

My friends and family think he's a fool who's serving his own selfish needs and I should take the kids and move out as their all fed up with the way he treats his family.

Thanks for reading,it makes me feel better to just let it all out.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

Focus.

Focus on a plan to improve your DD's mental health by giving her life more stability than it currently has.

Mathanxiety wrote a very useful post yesterday. Full of practical advice. I think she renamed Citizens Advice Bureau CBA, but apart from that her advice is great.

You've separated before - was your financial situation similar then? Anyway, get as much advice as you can and make your plans.

[Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav]

Just out of curiosity if your daughter is 14, how long exactly has this been going on?

[TheFlis12345]

Men and women can just be close friends. My best friend is male. But your DH’s behaviour totally crosses the line as even if it isn’t physical, he is putting her before you.

[OytheBumbler]

As harsh as it is, if he loved you he'd choose you.

He's chosen her. Not just once, but over and over again, despite it damaging your marriage and his relationship with his children.

[icannotremember]

I have a sickening suspicion that my her&my DH have also crossed the friendship line.

Just get rid of him. Your friends and family are right. Leave them to it, it sounds as if they deserve one another. You and the kids deserve so much more.

[Lisamac28]

Why are you blaming her? It’s your DH you are married to

FFS - OP is very clearly blaming BOTH of them. I hate this attitude that the OW must never be blamed under any circumstances. They should both be held to account!

[makingmammaries]

If you actually want him back, it’s time for a ‘me or her’ ultimatum. Just let him choose. That way you can keep your DD’s support, and the house presumably too. If he decides to stay, he needs to get rid of the ‘friend’. If not, hasta la vista.

[90schic]

@popsydoodle4444 would HE let this kind of behaviour slide if you did it with another man????

[90schic]

@popsydoodle4444 I feel so sad reading your post. You deserve so much better than this. It isn’t right him staying the night at another woman’s house like that. Or eating there! Any of it. Please please consider the other posts on here suggesting you leave. He can’t treat you like this lovely it isn’t fair on you or your DD. Be a role model for her and show her women are not door mats Who put up with this kind of thing. Your relationship will be the main example of how a relationship ‘should be’ in your daughters eyes for many years. Please don’t let her view this kind of behaviour as okay. He’s so disrespectful to you!!! You know it is true. Thinking of you OP

[berryhigh]

Why are you putting up with this? You have no option but to leave. He is making your DD ill. You owe it to her apart from anything else.

Speak to the CAB, look into benefits.

[OneDay10]

You can complain about him, her , the family pet till you are blue but that leaves you in the exact same position.
its clear as day that they are in a relationship.
Focus on yourself and getting out of this toxic relationship. It's at the point where your dd is literally throwing up with anxiety and you are concerned about her making supper for him.
You should be making plans to leave him.
would the relative let you live there and kick him out inside? You can then find out what you are entitled to claim.

[Elieza]

Sorry you’re going through this OP He doesn’t love you.
He is just using you as a mother for the children and his unpaid housekeeper.
Get down to women’s side for advice ASAP.
Leave him.
Tell him to move out and start looking for somewhere else once he is gone (or whatever woman’s aid advises you should do). They will help you with benefits applications etc while you look for a job.

A father who is uncontactable while at a friends house (whether the friend is into him or not) is no use to anyone.
Add to that your suspicions of an affair and I’d be telling her husband to expect to see a lot more of your husband in future, perhaps “oh you don’t know he comes over when you’re out and stays the night, well yes he does...” will form part of the conversation.

[Drabarni]

No decent man would let anyone speak to their partner like that, and would certainly not continue the friendship.
Sounds like they're having an affair, he won't give her up.

You are accusing the ow of all sorts of things.
Maybe, you should try putting your kids first.

[NameChangeNugget]

Why are you blaming her? It’s your DH you are married to.

[PrinnyPree]

Leave him, he's not going to change and he's making your childrens life hell. Do it for your children's sake.

[Goldenchildsmum]

No matter what I say or do he'll always find a way of justifying his behaviour.

But you remain in the relationship with him? Why?

[Mollychristmas]

You are subjecting your DD to his awful behaviour by allowing this to continue!

He is a shit! You are not protecting your children from him.

He is obviously the awful person for putting his family through this because of his shitty behaviour but you don’t have to roll over and take it!

You have options, you can speak to the council, tell them you are effectively homeless with dependant, at risk children.
Do you have family?
If you leave him you will get more money in benefits which should help you to keep afloat. Have you checked what you would receive if you were a lone parent?

You cannot keep your children in this situation.

Speak to woman’s aid, CAB, the council, start the freedom programme, anything to get him out of your lives!

At least if he has set in stone contact times your DD will know where she is and will be less upset with the not knowing and feeling like he would rather spend time with the OW even when she is physically and mentally struggling.

[CMOTDibbler]

I know another dynamic just like this, though in the one I know the OW actually was in a relationship years ago with the bloke involved, and his current wife was warned by a number of people (inc the one he had a relationship with between them) as to the toxic effect she has on him.
He jumps to everything she wants, and they certainly have a dynamic where his primary attachment is to the OW - who is a real queen bee type who wants people to dance attendance on her. Not sure what her DH gets out of it all (he's very quiet) but maybe it spreads out her demands.
Anyway, unless your DH is prepared to drop what is at the very least, a toxic friendship when it comes to your marriage, then he is saying clearly that he doesn't care about you and the children

[Whatdoyouexpect]

You do seem to view this as a competition between you and her. That may mean that you think that by getting rid of him, she has won so are reluctant to do it.

I can see why you might think that way.

But think of what this is doing to you. You are his wife. You should not have to prove you're more worthy of his time and attention than another woman. Ask yourself 'is he worthy of YOUR time and attention?'

[burnagirl]

Ok, here's a solution for you.

Treat him as a cash point - which is what he should be under the circumstances. Have him support you all financially, but give him no attention, this marriage is over and his responsibility now is to ensure that you and the kids have money to live.

So. NO wifely duties WHATSOEVER. No laundry, no dinners, nothing. His girlfriend can do all that. If he spends the night at home, no sex, in fact see if you can kick him out on the sofa. Tell the kids what's going on, they have every right to know.

Basically do NOTHING for him, but take all you can get.

[TheNinkiestNonk]

Jeez have some self respect!
For your children's sake and yours pack his bags.

[WhenPushComesToShove]

Hé clearly has no respect for you and neither does his 'friend'. Definitely bin bags of all his stuff delivered to friend's place. That will certainly get his attention which by then you shouldn't respond to AT ALL

[Motoko]

So, what are you going to do about it?

[Whatdoyouexpect]

Definitely stop doing the 'wifely duties' you mentioned.