Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow child a day off to miss this?

342 replies

biscuitsteaandgin · 27/11/2019 19:16

School have decreed all children will participate in a musical performance (singing and dancing.)

Child really doesn’t want to.

Would you let them miss a day?

OP posts:
Sarahjems · 27/11/2019 22:44

Waste of time. My dyspraxic son would have rather done a day of maths in a library, than do the play etc. (and no, he wasn't academic at all). I don't understand why they don't just let kids who hate performing , do other stuff. DD was the opposite, lead in everything.

Judemahmoodid · 27/11/2019 22:45

No, I wouldn't allow them to have the day off. They're going to have to do plenty of things in life that they don't want to do.

Canadianpancake · 27/11/2019 22:45

No, absolutely everyone has to perform unless exceptional circumstances (e.g. in a wheelchair)

I'm sorry, what? You think people that use a wheelchair don't/shouldn't perform!?

DotBall · 27/11/2019 22:47

I value my role in school as someone who helps kids build resilience and, by association, confidence. We do it slowly, using a ‘have a go, doesn’t matter whether you’re right or wrong, good or bad’.

We have the freedom to assess in a different way, which rewards attitudes to learning, not results (the attitudes enables the skills, which drives results).

Seeing children enjoy participating, being praised for contributing and knowing that many have come a long way in personal resilience is fantastic. I teach Music.

Thanks to everyone who has basically shat on my job on this thread. I might be the ONLY person YOUR child ever comes across who actually challenges them in a safe, secure, positive and engaging environment.

shinynewapple · 27/11/2019 22:47

It's not like maths though is it? It's not part of curriculum and is the kind of thing some people are just not good at and therefore humiliating.

It's one thing getting them to out on a joint performance, but forcing them to take part in a competition? No way.

Let him stay at home and catch up on his homework!

Tigger001 · 27/11/2019 22:48

I would probably allow him to miss it, it's not curriculum based (which I would make him do) but not a play.

Hes going to have a life of doing things he doesn't want to, so would cut him a break.

tillytrotter1 · 27/11/2019 22:49

I'd say let them avoid it.

If he wants to dodge a Maths lesson, a GCSE exam, you would also condone that, let him treat school as a pick and mix? You're on a slippry slope there.

hennaoj · 27/11/2019 22:49

I bet none of the ones saying to make him/her do it have ever been anxious about doing a performance. I was that child, I would have passed out. No way would have that contributed to my 'personal development', anything anywhere near that ilk just made me hate school even more.

LoopyLuck · 27/11/2019 22:50

It's a whole school competition, he doesn't want to compete. Don't send him. Or, if you think he would do it, send him in and he can just refuse to do it, either way they can't actually force him.

Downton57 · 27/11/2019 22:50

I don't like the idea of 'forcing' children to perform, but are you sure that's what's happening? Maybe a chat with the teachers would be useful. However, I do think parents who encourage their children to refuse to do things at school that they don't fancy doing, whether or not that refusal spoils the experience for the others in the group, are really not doing their kids any favours. And it's not really up to parents to decide which school activities are valuable and which are 'pointless'.

LoopyLuck · 27/11/2019 22:52

I'd have refused as a kid, it's not like I'd ever take a job where I'd have to sing and dance anyway - I can't sing or dance why would I bother?! It's of little importance to me. Public speaking makes me nervous but I can do that at least

shinynewapple · 27/11/2019 22:54

@DotBall what on earth are you talking about? Thread about OP's DC not about you Hmm

LoopyLuck · 27/11/2019 22:55

if he hasn’t practised for his performance then he should face the consequences

All the practise in the world won't fix a crap singing voice and total lack of rhythm

megletthesecond · 27/11/2019 22:57

Let them miss it.
It sounds like a bullies paradise.

soshnomore · 27/11/2019 23:20

I still have anxiety from being forced into taking part in school productions (I fainted during a primary school show as I was getting so anxious) and speaking in front of the class. I was also laughed at by a nasty group of classmates following a 'talk' where I messed up my words. To me it isn't worth it. This was 15-25 years ago and I still feel awful remembering it.
I don't think this is something children or young adults should be forced to do, it didn't help me in any way being made to do it. I'm not in a job where I need to make presentations or speak publicly, so all it's done is give me long lasting anxiety.
Let your kid have the day off, and tell the school that in future if they don't want to participate in this kind of thing you will not force them.

StoppinBy · 27/11/2019 23:23

If it was individual performances then no I wouldn't make my child do it. If it is group/class performances then yes I would send my child. Asking a child to perform a solo in front of a huge crowd is a really huge thing and some people even as adults just wont cope with that.

At 12 they are old enough to understand that sometimes we all have to do things that we would rather not and also that sometimes we have to be brave and face our fears.

minipie · 27/11/2019 23:24

Depends what “really doesn’t want to” means.

If your DC has genuine anxiety about performing in public and will not sleep the night before, feel panicky about it for days etc - let them miss it.

If your DC just thinks it’s a bit embarrassing and they aren’t a very good singer/dancer - I wouldn’t let them miss it personally, just as non sporty kids aren’t allowed to miss sports day.

You’ll have a better idea of which one it is than we will.

Notodontidae · 27/11/2019 23:31

It's common practice, and can be benificial in raising a childs confidence. @ soshnomore, I totally understand what you are saying, but if it wasn't that, you probably would have got stressed doing something else as you have anxiety. If the DC goes on to Uni, they will try the same thing again there, for the same reason outlined above.
The best gift any parent can give their children is condfidence. Teach them to walk tall, it doesn't matter what others think.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/11/2019 23:52

Dotball: if you mean you teach music/performance classes over a period of weeks and encourage the DC to participate, fair enough. This doesn't sound remotely like what OP is describing: a single event where all DC are coerced to join in despite differing levels of aptitude, enjoyment, self-consciousness, for some sort of competition.
OK, my attention-loving DS would have been absolutely first in line to join in with something like this. But there really is no merit in forcing children to do things that appal them: quite the reverse. All that teaches you is that shitty people can humiliate and scare you for absolutely no good reason, and those you thought you could rely on will not help you, because obedience is more important than your wellbeing.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/11/2019 23:53

I'd also let a DC skip sports day if they hate sport. I hate sport. Fine for those who enjoy it, of no benefit to those who don't.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 28/11/2019 00:32

My no2 son's primary school did this once. He was in reception class. He sang Masochism Tango all the way through, word perfectly. They never forced him to sing again...

isitpossibleto · 28/11/2019 00:35

For a competition? Nope. I’d be giving him the day off. Competitions are supposed to be about drive and passion etc not as a means to torture. This is a great lesson in saying ‘no’ to frippery

jimmyhill · 28/11/2019 00:36

Forcing someone to do something stressful in front of an audience is not preparing them for adulthood.

Every day of adult life if like this

Tootyfruityfoo · 28/11/2019 00:37

Yes I'd let him skip it 100%

DotBall · 28/11/2019 00:37

DotBall what on earth are you talking about? Thread about OP's DC not about you

In that case OP is being a very weak parent and the DC should suck it up and get in with it. Life’s not about running away from challenge.