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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow child a day off to miss this?

342 replies

biscuitsteaandgin · 27/11/2019 19:16

School have decreed all children will participate in a musical performance (singing and dancing.)

Child really doesn’t want to.

Would you let them miss a day?

OP posts:
woolie34 · 28/11/2019 00:39

Yanbu I would keep mine off if they felt like that. But then I don't buy into all this they have to be at school all the time even when ill, upset, etc. I don't want my kid feeling like they can't ever say no to something they don't feel comfortable doing, or look after themselves when they need to because they're ill.

Halo1234 · 28/11/2019 00:45

I would allow a day off for that. Naturally some child thrive on the stage and naturally some would find it hard and awkward. As adults we can choose to put ourselves in the spotlight or choose not to. I dont think singing and dance in front of an audience should be compulsory at any age. If it was a group effort (Christmas show or class assembly) I would send them. But to stand on the stage themselves and sing or dance and they didnt want to then no I wouldnt make them at let them stay off. I think it is cruel to make them perform in front of their peers if they dont want to. A solo talk or public speaking maybe but not being made to sing and dance.

Thehagonthehill · 28/11/2019 01:00

My DD is luckily past this now but for things she finds really hard,like going on stage to receive a prize it was made clear that she needed to go but the teachers enabled her to help her cope.Her English oral exam she did to 5 friends and got a distinction.
She doesn't need more resiliance just teachers that understood their pupils and that this one coped/masked well but had difficulty in this area.
Last week after a 2.5 year wait since referral she was assessed for autism.

BlackeyedSusan · 28/11/2019 01:55

Hmm... Tricky.

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 03:25

AIBU to cancel a holiday for DD?

DD, 26 is trying to pursue a career in music. As a result she has never held a conventional job for long, has little money and has lived on and off in properties that I own. I charge her less than market rent but she often falls behind on payment and has in the past said that since I am financially secure, I should let her live rent free. Through contacts with a friend of mine I got her well paid job but she left after 3 weeks. She suffers from depression. I have tried to help but she frequently lashes out at me verbally and I'm finding it very stressful.

I popped in to see her about a month ago because she was down. She exploded said that I was manipulative by turning up unannounced and asked me to give her space. She moved out and did not tell me where she was going. I still don't know where she is living. I have flights booked to see friends over New Year. This morning I messaged her to ask if she still wanted to come. She called me back and said my messaging of her was manipulative and asking for apologies for previous manipulative behaviour on my part.

However I'm damned if I do damned if I don't. If I don't contact her she tells me I am heartless and uncaring and if I do contact her she tells me I'm manipulating her. I now want to cancel the trip as I know it is going to be miserable to have her around and I'll be on eggshells the whole time.

AIBU?

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 03:40

Sorry, posted the above message on the wrong forum not sure how to delete it.

Lilyflower1 · 28/11/2019 05:20

Sounds pretty gruesome as an enforced activity but the drawback to allowing a no show is that your child might then think it is appropriate and possible to do the same thing on an important exam day.

I remember my best friend thought she could get out of school by throwing a long and noisy tantrum every day and every day her poor mother suffered agonies trying to get her out of the door.

Support the status quo for your own sake and write to the school to voice your concerns about the ‘competition’.

Purpleartichoke · 28/11/2019 05:23

My dd has some special needs. She is happy to give a speech or perform in a play in front of anyone. She does not suffer from stage fright and she is an eloquent public speaker. She will not sing in public. The school insists on everyone performing in song once a year.. Every year I get a call from the music teacher because my dd will stand there as instructed, but will not sing. This year, it just so happens that one of the few appointments available for some dental Work she needs is during the performance. A happy coincidence, but I was thrilled when the receptionist suggested the slot. I know I will also get a call from the teacher for her missing the performance, but at least my dd won’t be tortured for an hour.

squeekums · 28/11/2019 05:41

Thanks to everyone who has basically shat on my job on this thread. I might be the ONLY person YOUR child ever comes across who actually challenges them in a safe, secure, positive and engaging environment

Not every teacher offers a safe, secure, positive environment do they now?
Not every kid, even with a safe environment will be comfortable getting up and singing. I NEVER would have been, i was the kid who threw up when too nervous and anxious. Kids loved making fun of that.

squeekums · 28/11/2019 05:46

In that case OP is being a very weak parent and the DC should suck it up and get in with it. Life’s not about running away from challenge

Id suggest your the weak one, getting so snarky when people say they would let their kid skip a performance. Cant be a shock not everyone loves it
NEWSFLASH, performing isnt a MUST DO in life
Even as adults we can say yes or no to challenges

JTTWC · 28/11/2019 05:49

I was a very insecure and shy child. This would have made me ill from the anxiety. This would be a big deal for me as an adult. As a child I would I have bloody dreaded doing it!! I actually don't blame you for wanting them to have the day off. I remember when I just started high school I was picked to do the 1500m and came last Grin I was picked every year to do it for sports day until the last year my mum gave me the day off to save me from the embarrassment (as you can imagine everyone laughed at me) I appreciated my mum more than ever for that!!

hopefulhalf · 28/11/2019 05:58

JTTWC why didn't you practice if you knew it was going to happen and you were worried about it ? Anxiety is normal, adaptive even. Children and young adult need to learn to cope with a certain amount of pyschological discomfort, in order to become functional productive adults. Supporting them to participate in things they find difficult and or uncomfortable is just as much part of their education as the 3 Rs.

hopefulhalf · 28/11/2019 06:00

So JTTWC your mum would have been better off, taking you to the park and running the 1500 with you over the weeks leading up to sports day to reduce your anxiety rather than allowing you to avoid it.

MurrayTheMonk · 28/11/2019 06:12

T h I probably would let them stay home if they were really distressed by the thought of it. But then I'm a bit of a soft touch with stuff like that.

bumpingalongnicely · 28/11/2019 06:41

I'm stunned by the responses on here. I would have hated that as a child myself and would have loved the day off. But in the 90s no way would my mum have given me a day off. Kids just didn't have time off back then. I would have had to have skived in secret!
Parenting has changed so much now and parents let the kids do as they please - does this help them in the long run though I wonder?

Ricekrispie22 · 28/11/2019 06:44

It’s never too early to learn that there are some things in life that you have to do even if you don’t like it.

bumpingalongnicely · 28/11/2019 06:45
  • Yes I'd let them have the day off My mum always has my back in situations like this and now as an adult I appreciate her so much for that My mum is the best*

That's great but how does that pay out as an adult? If your boss asks you to do a presentation to a meeting room full of people but you don't want to what dyou do then? You can't say no and run to Your mum when you're in your 20's, 30's...

Goldenchildsmum · 28/11/2019 06:48

How utterly cringeworthy. I'd keep him at home. I get out of work stuff which is also cringeworthy such as the Christmas party and pointless motivational courses. Life is about choice as far as it can be

megletthesecond · 28/11/2019 06:53

If you do a presentation at work they don't whisper and take the piss out of you, never to be forgotten. School kids will.

Hence why it's probably better to avoid this but in years to come a work presentation would be far easier when the time comes.

KatherineJaneway · 28/11/2019 06:55

@Squashpocket

At the time it feels awful being that kid who hates singing or running etc but you do learn from those experiences. Finding a shady spot near the back of the stage, don't sing in chorus numbers just mouth the words. You think on your feet, find ways to adapt to an uncomfortable situations. Yes these aren't adult situations but the coping techniques you build up do help you as an adult, well they did me.

bumpingalongnicely · 28/11/2019 06:56
  • If you do a presentation at work they don't whisper and take the piss out of you, never to be forgotten. School kids will.

Hence why it's probably better to avoid this but in years to come a work presentation would be far easier when the time comes.*

Of course they do. If you stutter, go bright red and get flustered OF COURSE work colleagues talk about you.

But how would it if you've never done it?

bumpingalongnicely · 28/11/2019 06:58

I get out of work stuff which is also cringeworthy such as the Christmas party and pointless motivational courses.

I would have got fired from so many jobs if I did this! Presumably you don't work in a corporate field where this is all part and parcel of your job?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/11/2019 07:05

Could they ask to be allowed to help with music/costumes/ directing instead?

isabellerossignol · 28/11/2019 07:09

Of course they do. If you stutter, go bright red and get flustered OF COURSE work colleagues talk about you.

They might talk about you but it's likely to be sympathetically unless all your work colleagues are total arseholes.

Mess up at 12 years old and you end up with a nickname that people from school still refer to 30 years later. My husband went to a boys school and he sometimes runs into someone in the supermarket and chats for a moment and when I say who was that he'll say 'I don't know his real name, he wasn't in my year. Everyone just called him Reddener because of the time he went red in assembly and couldn't say the lines he was meant to say'. Or 'I don't know his name, he was always called Butter at school because he had butter fingers and dropped the rugby ball every time he caught it'. We're middle aged now and that's how people are remembered.

Can't imagine that happening at work.

Original poster
biscuitsteaandgin · 28/11/2019 07:09

No, every child is expected to perform, unless there is a reason why movement might be difficult (e.g. in a wheelchair, e.g. on crutches)

That’s not saying those kids can’t perform. They are still expected to be on stage.

It’s meant to be fun.

OP posts: