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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To allow child a day off to miss this?

342 replies

biscuitsteaandgin · 27/11/2019 19:16

School have decreed all children will participate in a musical performance (singing and dancing.)

Child really doesn’t want to.

Would you let them miss a day?

OP posts:

Tvstar · 29/11/2019 16:10

It isn't about singing and dancing, it is about stepping outside your comfort zone.
Its in a group of 10 he will be fine

BertrandRussell · 29/11/2019 17:34

Neverenoughcoffee · 29/11/2019 18:11

Let them stay off. It's a good lesson in boundaries. How many adults spend the next several years figuring out who they are and what they need after having to go along with this sort of thing.

Loftyswops988 · 29/11/2019 18:35

I was faced with something very similar when I was at school - my mum didn't let me stay off so instead of going in to school i walked straight past and hid down the back lanes for the day in the freezing cold.

I doubt that would fly nowadays and the school would probably contact my parents, very thankful for the 00s!

ReanimatedSGB · 29/11/2019 19:47

'What sort of things should we be teaching our children to say No to?'
Well, anything that compromises their bodily autonomy, for a start. While I'm not comparing criminal, physical abuse to being ordered to participate in some silly non-curricular project to comply with some nonsense the new HT's come up with, one of the main reason abusers of children get away with it so long: children are told, far too often, that they must simply obey adults.
Also, raising children to use their own judgement and refuse to obey stupid instructions helps them become healthy adults. We should all be far more ready and willing to question 'authority'.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/11/2019 19:51

And I am very much in favour of drama and music being part of the curriculum, but not like this. Forcing children to perform when they hate the idea just turns them off the arts. A good performing arts department understands, for starters, that it isn't just the performers who make a performance happen: lighting, sound, costumes, props etc are all important as well. Good arts education is about helping children find their particular area of aptitude and joy and teaching them that The Show is made up of many parts, many skills and a whole team of people.

Spied · 29/11/2019 19:56

I think it will help them in the long run.
I say this as someone who would have been desperate to stay off and having sleepless nights over it.
Avoidant behaviour hasn't helped me.

RatherBeRiding · 30/11/2019 10:58

Also, raising children to use their own judgement and refuse to obey stupid instructions helps them become healthy adults. We should all be far more ready and willing to question 'authority'.

Yup! THIS is what we all need to work on!!

It's not "avoidant" behaviour. It's the confidence to not follow the herd, to decide what suits you and what does't, to realise that just because someone in "authority" says we have to do something, we need to ask whether or not it is the right thing to do. How many times when something has gone pear-shaped has the old excuse "I was just doing what I was told" been trotted out?

ForalltheSaints · 30/11/2019 11:25

I would not let them miss a day.

itsmecathycomehome · 30/11/2019 12:35

"It's not "avoidant" behaviour. It's the confidence to not follow the herd, to decide what suits you and what does't, to realise that just because someone in "authority" says we have to do something, we need to ask whether or not it is the right thing to do."

There are plenty of opportunities at school for children to exercise critical thinking skills, choice and creativity without them all subjectively deciding which parts of the National Curriculum they're going to engage with.

I think, particularly at secondary, teachers have it tough enough without dressing refusal up as critical thinking.

I don't especially care if op allowed her son the day off or not, but I know she'll be doing him a disservice if she did, it might just be awhile before she knows it.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 30/11/2019 13:57

I don't especially care if op allowed her son the day off or not, but I know she'll be doing him a disservice if she did, it might just be awhile before she knows it

So how long before the issues start to show do you think? What exactly do you think will happen? I'm just wondering because I've let my kids off with stuff like this, my oldest is now in Year 11 and doing great. Once he he was allowed to drop subjects like music, dance, drama, he's never show any interest in getting out of school. He's very conscientous and has managed to do presentations for other subjects without a problem and puts effort into the subjects he's not to keen on. It's definitely not led to him avoiding everything he doesn't like. It was just the singing, dancing and acting stuff that he didn't like and made him feel self conscious and he will not need these skills in his future.

My friend who has older children in their late 20s also let 2 of her 3 children off with stuff like this as they hated it. Her other child loved performing. All 3 are successful and happy, no signs of avoidance behaviour at all. Plus they have a lovely relationship with their mum.

itsmecathycomehome · 30/11/2019 17:42

Good for you. Maybe I've seen more kids than you.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 01/12/2019 10:21

Good for you. Maybe I've seen more kids than you.

I have contact with quite a lot of children. It’s just not how I’d parent but each to their own. I personally think there’s lots more harm done due to forcing children to do things like this, not listening and expecting all children to cope with the same stuff.

itsmecathycomehome · 01/12/2019 13:51

Yes I understand the point you're making and it's something I hear often. There are a great many parents who think that their dc should be able to opt out of whatever aspect of school that they don't like.

squeekums · 01/12/2019 15:08

we drama teachers don’t just say suck it up at the very beginning of introvert signs

I got told exactly that, in first 2 weeks of term 1, year 8 (aus school)
with a side of you will fail drama and have to repeat it
i was too anxious to do some get to know you game and thats how i was spoken too
thankfully i got on to the netball program and was allowed to drop drama by the 3rd week. I loved that

in term 2 at same school i had my maths teacher tell me i was too dumb to pass so why do i bother rocking up. That was my last ever maths lesson

not all schools are full of supportive teachers

onioncrumble · 01/12/2019 15:10

What if a child didn't like PE?

Totally sympathize and often give a note to stay off swimming. It's just school ffs

legalseagull · 01/12/2019 15:22

I can't understand the posters above who seem to think music, dance and drama aren't important. It's not just about the performance, it's about teaching them to skills and confidence needed in working life. You can't get through life without needing to present ideas or speak publicly at some point. Avoiding things you don't like is nonesense. I hated languages in school, I couldn't just not do the work.

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