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AIBU?

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Original poster

To allow child a day off to miss this?

342 replies

biscuitsteaandgin · 27/11/2019 19:16

School have decreed all children will participate in a musical performance (singing and dancing.)

Child really doesn’t want to.

Would you let them miss a day?

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 27/11/2019 22:02

Being publicly humiliated is of no benefit. Do you want to turn your DC into the kind of sad sack who can't say no to some cunt at work who is demanding the whole team pose nude for a charity calendar, or have cold porridge tipped over their best clothes for 'charity'? Or would you rather raise your DC to be the one who laughs at the office cunt and says 'No, piss off.'

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 27/11/2019 22:04

Resilience is not learned by being forced to do things that cause you unnecessary anxiety or distress.

In any case resilience just means getting people to accept the shit being thrown at them. When probably they should fight that shit instead.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/11/2019 22:05

Mind you, I as a kid had the knack of making myself ill to get out of bullshit. I remember getting furiously revved up in a way I was too young to articulate, about the fact that we had to submit to having ash daubed on our faces for Ash Wednesday.
(I KNOW this wouldn't happen now. I am talking about being a kid in a church school in the early 1970s.) I hated the mere thought of it, said I wouldn't do it, got told to hush and not make a fuss... and managed to work myself up to the point of running a temperature, which was a result.

itsgettingweird · 27/11/2019 22:05

Someone in a wheelchair could perform Shock

If it's a whole school event it should be inclusive of everyone. That means various different roles to match what pupils are comfortable with and reasonable adjustments for students with disabilities.

My ds is on the autistic spectrum. At 12 he wouldn't have performed. But he could run a light desk like a pro!

ReanimatedSGB · 27/11/2019 22:08

Actually, I'm surprised (in the current climate) that more of you aren't seeing this as fucking sinister. It's 'harmless' for children to be forced to do something that they find deeply distressing? Everyone must participate despite many having no aptitude for what is being asked of them?

GrumpyHoonMain · 27/11/2019 22:09

Nope. You can’t hold him from school because he doesn’t want to do something - where does it stop? Pulling him out of exams because he’s unprepared? If he hasn’t practised for his performance then he should face the consequences

gingerbiscuits · 27/11/2019 22:10

If they're 12 yrs old & not SEN, then of course you can't let them just skive off because they don't want to do it! What a precedent to set. We all have to do shit every day that we don't want to- that's life.

BertrandRussell · 27/11/2019 22:10

Where does he say he finds it “deeply distressing” All the OP says is that he doesn’t want to do it. That’s why we need more information.

Practicalmagico · 27/11/2019 22:13

I would let them stay at home. What a load of rubbish it sounds. About as useful as sports day (which my kids never attended)

Pipandmum · 27/11/2019 22:13

Are they part of a team? Will it be letting other people down?
Frankly unless they are likely to have a (real) panic attack then buck up and do it.

cabbageking · 27/11/2019 22:14

I sent both my children to school unless they were ill.
They didn't get to pick and choose regarding attendance in our house.
Now they are both working they apply the same rule. They face any problems or issues face on and go to work unless they are genuinely ill.

BennyTheBall · 27/11/2019 22:15

I would tell them to go in.

Life lesson - we have to do things we sometimes don't want to, and quite often, we end up enjoying them.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 27/11/2019 22:15

As a one off I don’t really see the problem. Especially if participating could make him a target for bullying (not saying it should, but it can and does go on). Better he’s safe at home with you than skiving off somewhere else where no one knows where he is.

KurriKurri · 27/11/2019 22:24

I'm a bit torn - on the one hand it does sound like pointless shite, and I can't see why every child has to perform (although not so bad in a group I guess) - It's going to be a pretty tedious day waiting for their turn and watching everyone else do their thing.

On the other hand - I hated doing anything like that at school - to the point of feeling physically sick, but my Mum practised with me at home and I did go in and found when I took part I actually quite enjoyed myself. Sometimes you can only get over stage fright/nerves/self consciousness by just doing it until you get used to it.

But you know your kid best and whether he'd be better having a go or having a day off - I think my Mum secretely knew I'd enjoy it if I took part, you maybe know that no amount of trying it out will stop your DS hating it.

InfiniteCurve · 27/11/2019 22:25

It depends on how anxious your child is about it,whether they are just a bit whingey and unkeen ( in which case send them in) or absolutely paralysed with anxiety in which case let them stay home.Or speak to the school jf there is any chance that will be positive.
All the positive stuff like resilience, etc - yes,best case scenario they will learn that.
If they are really anxious and upset by the whole thing they may just learn that in life you have to do things people ask/ tell you to do,however awful (to you) they are.Sometimes these things are as bad as you think they'll be.
That's really not a good life lesson.

KurriKurri · 27/11/2019 22:25

Oops - sorry your DC - not sure why I assumed a DS.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/11/2019 22:28

If it was part of a class and affected their grade, then yes.
If it was required to graduate or move to the next class, then yes.
If it's just a pointless, random thing the school decides to do, then no.

If it was a 'whole school stands out in the schoolyard and boogies to the school song' I might be tempted to talk DC into it. But a group of 10 before the whole school in a forced competition? And OP indicated that there are probably going to be other children 'calling sick' so it may actually be a smaller group. I wouldn't force my child if it was going to affect them negatively. My DS2 would have been vomiting with anxiety as he's shy. My DS1 would have LOVED it as he's a natural born performer.

MintyMabel · 27/11/2019 22:29

No, absolutely everyone has to perform unless exceptional circumstances (e.g. in a wheelchair)

I’ll let my wheelchair using, singing and dancing loving daughter know she can’t be in a performance, shall I?

PixieDustt · 27/11/2019 22:30

If it's just a pointless, random thing the school decides to do, then no

This. If it doesn't affect grades etc and my DS didn't want to do it then I would tell the school he wouldn't be doing it. He can still go in but he isn't participating

HotChocWithCream · 27/11/2019 22:32

I'm a teacher (primary school) and I'd NEVER force any child to "perform" if they didn't want to.

I'm not saying I'd write some children off as being shy/lacking confidence. I'd gauge where they are at, talk things through with them and encourage them to take baby steps outside their comfort zones.

Despite being a teacher and, at times, leading CPD sessions and presenting to parents etc the idea of doing some sort of singing and dancing at high school would have sent me over the edge. The teenage years are awful and there's no way under any circumstances I'd have been willing to take part in this event. I wouldn't even have got on a stage to sing never mind dance! Drama/singing etc are just not me.

I'm a complete introvert and whilst I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone to get to the stage I'm confident presenting to numerous "crowds" in a professional way there's no way even now you'd catch me singing/dancing. Performing is just not me and I've managed to get by perfectly well without out. If someone offered to wave a magic wand to make me comfortable in singing/dancing I'd honestly decline.

I would keep my child off for the day in these circumstances if, after raising my concerns with the school, they refused to budge.

Sh05 · 27/11/2019 22:34

What time of the day is it? If it's first thing then maybe take your child in late. Obviously won't work if the performance is later on.

INeedNewShoes · 27/11/2019 22:38

I was a musical geeky type. Every year I was obliged to take part in school sports day. Every single fucking year for 11 years I was made to run some race or another and was the asthmatic unsporty kid trailing at the back. And for 3 hours a week I was the last to be picked for teams in PE lessons. I gained resilience and I suppose at least it forced some exercise on me. I don’t believe I should have been allowed to skip these sports things.

I gather from teenagers I know today that this still happens.

If the artsy types have to do the sport events it shouldn’t be that shocking that the non artsy types might have to go beyond their comfort zone and do a theatre thing.

It won’t be pointless. There is a massive amount to be gained through collaboration and rehearsal to be part of a big production. A child who isn’t comfortable on stage might be given a backstage job or a very low key part as an extra in a crowd scene. Singing as part of a big group has well documented benefits.

I don’t think I would get my kid out of this one because I do believe there are things to be gained.

WatcherintheRye · 27/11/2019 22:42

Desperately hoping your ds isn't at a stage school, op. Wink

Oh, and he'll learn much more from knowing you have his back, than from being thrown to the lions and told to get on with it. Confidence comes from being in a place of security, not from being thrust into situations you're not yet prepared for.

RickOShay · 27/11/2019 22:43

@Ihatemyseleffordoingthis
I completely agree with you.
Of course you give him the day off, it’s fine. It’s called compassion.

INeedNewShoes · 27/11/2019 22:44

Ah sorry. I missed that it’s only 10 kids at a time so he can’t just have a low key role.

If the whole school is doing it in groups of 10 it’s either a tiny school or they must be only doing half a minute per group surely or it’ll take all day!?

So hopefully it’s only a very short painful snippet of time!