To allow child a day off to miss this?

[biscuitsteaandgin]

School have decreed all children will participate in a musical performance (singing and dancing.)

Child really doesn’t want to.

Would you let them miss a day?

[OneKeyAtATime]

What are the activities' learning outcomes? I suspect they will be all be reached through other tasks in drama and music throughout the year. On this basis, I would let her/him miss the day.

[lynzpynz]

I was cripplingly self conscious at 12 and I think I'd actually have had panic attacks at the thought of this! I'm not anymore, and have taught myself coping strategies and learned to care a lot less about what other people may think. I think work and adult life and the fears and anxiety of a 12 year old aren't really a fair comparison here.

Personally I'd talk to them about why they don't want to do it so strongly, ask them to persuade me as to why they should avoid this. May help talk through and help them understand their nerves and anxiety are rooted in a heightened sense of others perceptions of them and relax them or realise to laugh at themselves (usually a trait we get better at as we age but at 12 maybe but harder!). I'd suggest some coping strategies but if they are still horrified at the thought after this I'd probably keep them off but (assuming this happens annually) maybe say next year avoiding is not a viable option and they need to work on ways to deal with their fears and anxieties and you will do all you can to help them.

[ScreamingValenta]

RolytheRhino The OP clarified (further on from her first post) that her DC is specifically expected to sing and dance, which is what I have based that comment on.

[ScreamingValenta]

Clearly you've not been to one of DH's family's parties

Ha ha! At least at a party, you might hope everyone would be too drunk to notice your epic fail of a performance .

[isabellerossignol]

I think having all the children participate would be very positive and a lesson in teamwork etc. But forcing everyone to perform is a whole other matter. My daughter is one of those people who when forced to do this physically can not make words come out of her mouth. She tries, she wants to do what everyone else is doing, but the words don't come out. And having to dance as well would make it even worse. Asking people to work together is a life lesson but humiliating people isn't a life lesson, it's cruel.

[threesenoughthanks]

Another vote for a day off. Your son will be so grateful to know you have his back and that you listened to him and understood his anxiety. That will be much more valuable to him than the school activity.

[ShawshanksRedemption]

No, I would not. I don't do "days off", but I would talk to the school and explain the situation. I cannot imagine any school forcing children to perform who are so anxious or miserable that they will gain nothing from it (eg team building, resilience etc).

Having said that, my DC,s school insist every child take part in a one day sporting event each year, held on a Saturday. DC didn't want to do it, but after they had taken part, admitted that it wasn't as bad as they imagined and have attended each year since.

So, if your DC is just having a whinge, I'd say for them to take part, but if their mental health is at the point that they are unable to do it, then obviously would not force them.

[RolytheRhino]

The OP clarified (further on from her first post) that her DC is specifically expected to sing and dance, which is what I have based that comment on.

Singing can take many forms- rap, choral singing, beatboxing even- as can dancing, which is basically just a sequence of movements. Some songs even have talking sections.

[Pinkblueberry]

No. Music is a school subject like any other - would you let them miss a day because they don’t like Art or history?

[FunkyMunkey]

I wouldn't encourage a day off for something they don't like but just tell them they are absolutely allowed to not participate. Stand on the stage and do nothing, not approach a microphone. So , in effect, a small protest. I would just have sat on the stage at that age

[ShawshanksRedemption]

I would add, allowing kids to opt out because they feel a bit nervous, doesn't help them. It's normal to feel a bit nervous or anxious sometimes and learn strategies to over come that. It's a good life lesson and parents shouldn't feel they need to rescue children from every discomfort they face.

Anxiety itself though is a crippling mental health issue, which is very different to feeling nervous/anxious. Developing anxiety itself over a school event is not worth it.

[RatherBeRiding]

Let him have the day off! What the hell is he going to learn except that enforced participation in something for which you have no interest and no aptitude is pointless and humiliating,

A really useful life lesson would be that instead of having to "suck it up" because that's what life's all about as an adult (is it really???) - we get to make choices and learn how to avoid pointless mind-numbing shite by simply saying No,

[VenusTiger]

Need to let kids build resilience and have a bit of stress (a bit) as we’re built to cope with situations like this. What happens when dc has to do presentation in yr 10/11/12 or university interview, or work placement etc. at least this eases dc in, as all kids in same boat.
Pride shouldn’t take precedent.

[plightofthealbatross]

I liken these things to idiotic 'team building' that work places try to force people to do. Beyond ridiculous. I go to work to support my family, not become besties via daft games and challenges with people I am stuck working with.

I'd let him stay home if his attendance is otherwise very good.

[VenusTiger]

@RatherBeRiding What the hell is he going to learn

How to get on with your life without worrying what others think, confidence, team bonding, how to cope under pressure, having a positive attitude (not sitting on stage like another pp suggested ) but to name a few....

[BertrandRussell]

“ So , in effect, a small protest. I would just have sat on the stage at that age”
And in the process screwing it up for the people who do want to do it?

[StrawberryDaiquiriPlease]

The school has decided this is important enough to dedicate a day to, they are promoting speaking and listening and confidence building and performance. You should reinforce the message and encourage your child to take part or cheer on their peers.

[YoTheGinPussyOfStMawesOnThigh]

Tell your DC his is a good opportunity for them to use their imagination and develop teamwork. Make a few suggestions of how to do this. I would suggest they get together with their group and decide they will be performing Silent Night, Christmas Carol and all that. They then can stand on stage with their fingers to their lips and do nothing else. No singing, no dancing, cos it is silent night isn’t.

I did the above at an adult party where the hostess thought it would be a scream for everyone to sing. She was an ex music teacher, I had heard the stories about her and making kids sing on their own on class. She was not amused with me.

[Streamingbannersofdawn]

Sounds hideous. I'm confused by "it's expected that some people will be off that day" don't they care?

[LadyGuffers]

Definitely YANBU. It sounds fucking hideous and the sooner the world learns to stop forcing people to do shit like this, the better.

[RatherBeRiding]

Anybody can do a presentation - you can just stand up and read off cue cards if necessary. It's not a performance. It's speaking - relaying information. Not quite the same as being forced to sing and dance when you can do neither, in front of the whole bloody school!

Far from building resilience it is likely to build resentment and damage self esteem. And of course all the kids aren't in the same boat - there are plenty of gifted naturally talented performers who will love the chance to be in the spotlight.

A better way to teach resilience is to teach children how to say No to a bloody stupid idea.

[MrsMozartMkII]

Not RTFT, but understanding my DD so much better now than I did, I'd definitely not send a child to something they were so unhappy doing.

[Serin]

I'd let mine have the day off.
Bugger all that "teaching them resilience" crap.
I would imagine it will just worsen his anxiety.

[Sunflower20]

I would let him miss it. Total waste of time. I did half a dozen of those big performances at school when I was younger. I barely remember any of them, and my anxiety isn't any better!

[NoProblem123]

Life’s short - skive off and have a day out somewhere fab together.