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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow DS to come home for Xmas

337 replies

peekachew · 27/11/2019 08:44

Apologies for the slightly clickbait-y title.

Last week DS moved to NZ for 6 months in order to continue training for a very niche profession. He has expressed wishes to come home for Xmas but would only actually be home for 6 days! I think it's pointless given plane tickets are easily £1500 a pop Not to mention the 24+ hrs of travel required.

He's a young sociable lad who has the world at his feet, surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to spend Xmas over there. I know he is missing our 3 dogs (grew up with them) and wants a traditional (i.e cold) Xmas. We do have the money if it makes a difference but it's such a waste imo.

Also, he's offered to pay half.

OP posts:
FreedomfromPE · 27/11/2019 12:11

I would have thought that he is old enough to have decided whether going before or after Christmas was a budget consideration. So he messed up on planning. It sounds like he needs this experience to really work on his independence!
6 days in and out of jetlag as well would be bonkers. Once he's done it and then recovered he might feel differently about putting himself through it twice for the sake of a few days.
If he's not paying his own ticket then he's being quite silly. Big boy pants needed. Experience a very different Christmas, embrace all the learning experience's and opportunities and stop expecting the bank of mum and dad to respond to every whim.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 27/11/2019 12:13

I think you've missed the bit Deveraux where OP says her parents go to great pains to make sure everything is equal between all the siblings.

Dilkhush · 27/11/2019 12:14

I didn't even come home from Paris for Christmas when I was that age. Bought a baguette, ate it with a friend, went to the cinema on the Champs Elysee. I still have fond memories of that Christmas Day. Isn't he point of travel/life to embrace new experiences?

Gentleness · 27/11/2019 12:17

For me, coming home for Christmas would be risky. It's harder to leave than to stay away. I was his age the first time I was abroad at Christmas, but I'd been there several months already. I was homesick but calls were cheaper than flights. It's too early for him to feel settled in himself and I think you're right to say no at this stage.

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 27/11/2019 12:20

Couldn't you suggest the half of the airfare your parents fork out is his Christmas present, if that's what he wants for Christmas, you get the same amount to do with as you wish. Everybody's happy. If he wants to be home and they want him home, and are happy to pay, it's really none of your business as long as they are treating you both fairly.

Devereux1 · 27/11/2019 12:22

BlueBirdGreenFence
Yes, I probably did. But if the OP was a 22 year old adult, who should be responsible for their own finances and logistics and is out in the big wide world, had completely mismanaged their time abroad and within a matter of days had decided they wanted to pop back for Christmas, and only offered to pay half of the costs incurred directly because of their whim and their failure to budget and save accordingly, how are the parents going to make that fair to the OP? Invite her to similarly mess up and bail her out? Pay for a ticket half way round the world for her out of the blue?

This 22 year old man should be responsible for making his way to back to the UK, if that's what he has chosen to do. His parents shouldn't be put in the position of balancing out what could be a load more of future irresponsible actions on his part, in the interests of fairness to his sister. This could end up being a lifetime of very expensive expenditure.

MsRomanoff · 27/11/2019 12:25

His parents shouldn't be put in the position of balancing out what could be a load more of future irresponsible actions on his part, in the interests of fairness to his sister. This could end up being a lifetime of very expensive expenditure.

So they cabt do something they want, because his sister (who says they are incredibly fair) might feel badly done by?

How do people actually live like this? My dbro has needed help with things, I havent begrudge him or felt it was unfair.

Because, well we are adults. I dont think if he gets, I have to get too.

Confusedrelation · 27/11/2019 12:26

Meh, why is it any of your business OP? You sound controlling. Why do you even need other people’s opinions. Back off and get on with your own life.

FinallyHere · 27/11/2019 12:27

Interesting update OP

My first reaction was that by 'allowing' him to come home you are infantilising him. Being abroad with a bunch of friends at Christmas is an important step away from childhood.

It's such a chance to see how things are done differently in other places. Having fun, getting to do what you want, not being stuck in a web of obligation. Even if you do decide things are better at home, it's so useful to find out for yourself.

Bringing DB home for the sake of parents doesn't sound like a great idea. Let him fly free for a change.

JacquesHammer · 27/11/2019 12:32

The “what a wuss” and “what a sap” comments are so puerile.

There are countless ways of having experiences in another country. If he wants to come home, that is a valid choice.

MatildaTheCat · 27/11/2019 12:33

I’d encourage him and your parents to have Christmas apart and see that the world doesn’t cave in. They are trying to do the ‘easy’ thing by having him home while obviously it’s far easier for him to stay and experience a Christmas in another country with other people.

Which he will have to do plenty in the future.

Devereux1 · 27/11/2019 12:33

MsRomanoff
Is there no point at all at which you think a parent should say to their adult offspring:"You want something? You earn it. You failed to earn it? Then you go without."

MsRomanoff · 27/11/2019 12:35

*The “what a wuss” and “what a sap” comments are so puerile(

Bet there epuodnt be comments like this if it was a woman wanting to come home.

How does anyone still think it's ok to say this shit? How dare a man want to come home or spend time with his parent Confused

Doobigetta · 27/11/2019 12:39

My brother is nearly 40 and our parents still pay for him to come home for Christmas. In fact it wouldn’t surprise me all that much if they each pay 100% of his ticket, as they are divorced. My advice would be to learn not to care or get involved, for the sake of your own sanity. You won’t win if you take this one on.

MsRomanoff · 27/11/2019 12:39

Is there no point at all at which you think a parent should say to their adult offspring:"You want something? You earn it. You failed to earn it? Then you go without."

Of course there is. But thats between the parents and him.

And this is for something that benefits the parents too. Its something they want.

Thata not the same making decisions based on what's equal between siblings.

If dbro was abroad and wanted to come home, wouldn't even occur to me that my parents needed to even things up. It's a bizarre attitude.

Jebbs · 27/11/2019 12:42

When I was about his age I did a year of study in France. Due to course dates I wasn't able to go home for Easter and instead spent it at the uni. It was the worst Easter I've ever had - my family were all together and all I had were a few coursemates.
I now split Christmas between my family and my inlaws and while they have different practices and it's not the same, it's still family.
Some people might not care, but for others the point of these celebrations is the fact you share it with your loved ones. It's not like spending half term in a different country. Your brother is clearly not in the "I don't care" situation and if he really wants to come home then he's unlikely to actually make the most of a road trip, however amazing the concept might be.

Mia1415 · 27/11/2019 12:44

YABVU. Life is short.

This year I will be celebrating my first Christmas with no parents (and I'm only in my 30's).

Shoobydoo123 · 27/11/2019 12:45

I know someone who has just done the NZ training, they arranged trips away as a group and had a fantastic time. However the training was harder than they ever imagined and they were shattered at the end of it and to be frank needed every minute of rest and recovery for the second phase. If he uses this valuable time off to travel back and forth it may impact his performance after the break.

dontgobaconmyheart · 27/11/2019 12:46

How the other half live eh! 22 and in the midst of an opportunity most wouldnt even get, assuming your parents will fork our thousands and 'not miss' it because you want to come home for xmas, to the extent you can't see how entitled you are so offer to pay 'half' of your own adult bloody luxury expenses.

Does he not work on the side? I'd not what sort of legitimate life experience is this exactly Confused. He is BU OP but so are you because it's not your money, it's your parents money. Would you be ok with it if they gave you the same amount they spend on him? Is that the issue...

NYCDreaming · 27/11/2019 12:46

I'm not sure I know anybody, of either sex, who wouldn't be afronted if one sibling gets given money whilst others don't.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I have a sibling who still lives at home rent free at an age where I had not been living at home for nearly ten years. My mum has my sister's kids two days a week which allows my sister to afford to work. She looks after my kids maybe once a year, and I am unable to work due to childcare costs. I don't begrudge it at all. I wouldn't expect my mum to do something for me just because she does it for a sibling.

The only reason you should be looking in your neighbour(or sibling)'s bowl is to make sure that they have enough. Griping over whether you have your "fair share" of someone else's resources sounds like a miserable way to live.

maddy68 · 27/11/2019 12:46

Omg my daughter lives abroad. She's coming back just for the Xmas few days.
Its not a waste?? I'm stunned

Dragongirl10 · 27/11/2019 12:48

He should be paying his own way at 22.
He also should be mature enough to realise that that amount of money is better saved....

He is an adult

Devereux1 · 27/11/2019 12:52

MsRomanoff

Of course there is. But thats between the parents and him.
So at what point is that reached? Not this?
Yes, the transaction is between his parents and this man. But the ramifications are not, as the existence of the OP's post completely proves.

If dbro was abroad and wanted to come home, wouldn't even occur to me that my parents needed to even things up. It's a bizarre attitude.

This "bizarre attitude" is the subject of immense problems, and the source of some of the world's greatest novels. Parental favouritism, unfairness between siblings, parents spending money on one sibling and not the other, parents bailing out irresponsible adult children etc etc. It's no more a bizarre attitude at all than parents bailing out adult children who haven't been away 5 minutes and want to pop back on a nice all/half expenses paid jolly.

Seaandsand83 · 27/11/2019 12:55

I spent Christmas in Australia on my own when I was 18.i say on my own, I had made friends with some other backpackers and it was a great experience! If he has friends in the same situation as him then he should stay and make the most of it, but if he will be by himself while everyone else are with their families, than it's a bit different

saraclara · 27/11/2019 12:59

The “what a wuss” and “what a sap” comments are so puerile

Bet there epuodnt be comments like this if it was a woman wanting to come home.

I'd say the same to my daughter. "Have a fantastic time - you're so lucky to be over there! Make sure you see as much as you can. We'll miss you loads, but we'll Face Time or chat with you on Christmas Day!"

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