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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow DS to come home for Xmas

337 replies

peekachew · 27/11/2019 08:44

Apologies for the slightly clickbait-y title.

Last week DS moved to NZ for 6 months in order to continue training for a very niche profession. He has expressed wishes to come home for Xmas but would only actually be home for 6 days! I think it's pointless given plane tickets are easily £1500 a pop Not to mention the 24+ hrs of travel required.

He's a young sociable lad who has the world at his feet, surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to spend Xmas over there. I know he is missing our 3 dogs (grew up with them) and wants a traditional (i.e cold) Xmas. We do have the money if it makes a difference but it's such a waste imo.

Also, he's offered to pay half.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 27/11/2019 11:18

It’s up to your parents, and if they want him home then why not? It’s got nothing t9 do with you how they spend their money

MaybeDoctor · 27/11/2019 11:18

Well, one day one of your parents will have died and family Christmases will be just a memory. That had happened to me by my late twenties.

The funny thing is, you never know which Christmas is the last one.

WatchingTheMoon · 27/11/2019 11:18

"OP is the sister - the parents are apparently offering to do half the cost - I assume- so TBH I think it's up to the three adults involved who pays for what."

I'm aware of that. I just find it a bit pathetic when adults still rely on their parents for large sums of money.

saraclara · 27/11/2019 11:22

There's a fair bit of "if it was my son" going on here. To be honest, though I'd miss him a lot, if he was my son I'd be encouraging him to make the most of this amazing opportunity to explore New Zealand and have adventures over his holiday period.

I've always encouraged my kids to make the most of every opportunity that life offers them.

ThisIsSunrise · 27/11/2019 11:24

I would just worry that he wouldn’t go back afterwards!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/11/2019 11:25

YABU - he has asked to come home for Christmas; you can afford the ticket; welcome him with open arms!

Candymay · 27/11/2019 11:26

Bloody hell this is so sad. My son travels to see me for Christmas. Similar situation. He doesn’t ask me to pay but reading your post has made me think I’m going to pay today and it will be a gift. Honestly I know you are meaning he has only just left but Christmas and his family are clearly important to him and you can afford it.
I’m extremely emotional at the moment so my opinion is coming from a different place.

amusedbush · 27/11/2019 11:26

I'm almost 30 and have a 23 year old brother. My parents treat him completely differently (i.e. baby him and let him away with murder) and it gets right up my arse, if I'm honest.

22 is not a child, he's a grown man and if he wants to come home he can pay for the whole flight.

katy1213 · 27/11/2019 11:28

Allow him to come, for sure - pay his fare, you must be joking! If he's old enough to move across the world, he's old enough to grasp that Christmas is only a day.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/11/2019 11:29

The funny thing is, you never know which Christmas is the last one.

This is so true.

My DF actually died on Christmas day. Three months previously he had been an apparently fit 62 year old - died horribly; an invasive and rapidly spreading cancer.

He hung on until my sister got home from Germany (where she lived with her husband) and he was able to meet his youngest grandchild, her son (aged 8m) for the first time, and then died less than an hour later.

PurpleDaisies · 27/11/2019 11:29

We don’t know the dynamics here. It sounds like the parents will want to pay for the whole flight so the brother being able to convince them to let him pay for half could be a big achievement.

ColdRainAgain · 27/11/2019 11:29

Several years ago, I moved abroad in early Oct with DH and the kids. DH was working Xmas (as in physically in work), and about a week before xmas I told him I was coming back to see my parents for the school holidays. I needed to come back, needed to see my parents. I had spent several christmases without them before.
Granted it wasnt as far - 18hrs door to door, but I did it with 2 smallish kids.

If he wants to come home, let him come home. The environmental costs would bother me more than the time or money.

StroppyWoman · 27/11/2019 11:30

I voted YASNBU when I thought it was your son.

YABVU when it's your parents and your brother. They have every right to spend their money on things that matter to them. If having their son home for Christmas matters, leave them to it. Just bringing it up smacks of sibling jealousy.

IHateUserName · 27/11/2019 11:32

Damn! Accidentally voted YANBU. I thought YABU before your update about it being about your brother & parents. If he wants to come home for Christmas & your parents are happy to pay for it, then let them crack on. It's not your money.

Alaimo · 27/11/2019 11:38

I think your DB IBU for wanting to come home. I know from experience how tempting it is, I did a typical gap year when I was 18, and a study year abroad when I was 21. In both cases, the first couple of weeks were challenging, and there's a real craving for anything familiar. For me at least, that usually begins to disappear after a few weeks. Assuming your brother's friends/colleagues are staying in NZ I think your brother will start to feel like he's missing out when everyone is making plans for celebrating Christmas in NZ, and he's not part of it.

Ultimately though, this is between your brother and parents. I'm not sure much good will come from your interfering, no matter how well-intentioned.

BestOption · 27/11/2019 11:43

I used to live in NZ. Christmas there is ‘odd’ when you’re used to a British/winter Christmas. But FFS he’s 22 he should make the most of the experience and of time in NZ generally, there’s a lot to see & do. It’s stupid to waste all that money & time coming back when he’s only just bloody left! AND he has plenty of people to do something with if he can’t cope with doing something on his own. Your parents need to help him grow up & experience life, not run home. He’s been there a week, a MONTH by Christmas. FFS.

pandora206 · 27/11/2019 11:46

I have a daughter who lives in New Zealand. She has never flown back for Christmas and has made many friends. I've been over one year at that time of year (and three other times) and have taken DD2 and DS on two occasions.

Christmas in NZ is lovely, warm and sunny, lots of barbecues and celebrating outdoors. When I went we swam on Christmas day and went for walks in the bush. It's an amazing country and Christmas and New Year there is a very different experience and well worth experiencing.
If there was more time to plan it would be a great time to visit your brother OP. However, the cost of flights at that time of year are huge and get higher as the holidays approach.

queenoftheschoolrun · 27/11/2019 11:47

I spent a year abroad in my late teens and was desperately homesick to start with. I went in the Autumn and the only thing that kept me going was the thought of being home for Christmas. My sibling was probably as non-understanding as you - they had no idea what it was like. I paid my own way but if your parents have got the money and are happy to pay half then it really is none of your business.

Whattodoabout · 27/11/2019 11:47

YABU because you can afford it and he wants to spend Christmas with his family.

Cheeseandwin5 · 27/11/2019 12:01

For me this is a no brainer, you have the money and more importantly wouldn't miss it. In the coming years he may decide to stay in NZ and have a family of his own, the chance of him visiting will slowly wind down over time. For me I would always prefer to have my family than unneeded money in the bank

Cheeseandwin5 · 27/11/2019 12:04

Also , I hate it when ppl put things like 'he is sociable so he will be ok' He may give that impression round you but still carry loads of insecurities and worries he has that he hides away.

MsRomanoff · 27/11/2019 12:04

We're not going anywhere.

With all due respect you dont know that. I hate his attitude of 'theres always next year'

There isn't always next year. God forbid something happens to you or parents or him? I recently know a brother and sister who died within 2 weeks of each other.

Might sound dramatic, but it happens and you parents arent getting any younger. Theres not always another time.

I am baffled as to why you have an opinion on this at all tbh. It clearly suits you that your parents are 'too soft' on you both. So why is that now an issue?

He wants to come home. They are happy to have him and goady or pay half. That's it.

Notodontidae · 27/11/2019 12:06

If he is training to be a pilot, it won't be a walk in the park and a break at Christmas may well be the best thing for him in order to complete successfully. On top of that most parents love to have all their Children home for Christmas, we never know if and when will be the last Christmas. One of lifes magical mysteries. I hope you have a good one OP

BilboBercow · 27/11/2019 12:10

Your parents want him here. He wants to be here. They can afford it and won't miss the money. Keep your beak out

Devereux1 · 27/11/2019 12:11

I have missed some of this thread admittedly and was late to seeing the OP is the man's sister.

But how is her parent's expenditure on her adult brother none of her business, which some posters say? I'm not sure I know anybody, of either sex, who wouldn't be afronted if one sibling gets given money whilst others don't.

My friend has 2 step children. One wasted years after his A levels and lived on low wages and handouts from both birth parents. The other went to university and is now working and supporting himself. Now the one who lived on handouts has decided to go to university, and hasn't saved up anything he did earn to contribute to his degree. He gets years and years of extra handouts, whereas the one who went to university only got 3 years. I don't think it's unreasonable that the son who went to university looks at that and feels it is grossly unfair.