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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow DS to come home for Xmas

337 replies

peekachew · 27/11/2019 08:44

Apologies for the slightly clickbait-y title.

Last week DS moved to NZ for 6 months in order to continue training for a very niche profession. He has expressed wishes to come home for Xmas but would only actually be home for 6 days! I think it's pointless given plane tickets are easily £1500 a pop Not to mention the 24+ hrs of travel required.

He's a young sociable lad who has the world at his feet, surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to spend Xmas over there. I know he is missing our 3 dogs (grew up with them) and wants a traditional (i.e cold) Xmas. We do have the money if it makes a difference but it's such a waste imo.

Also, he's offered to pay half.

OP posts:
Thatoneoverthere · 27/11/2019 10:30

I was his age when I did my first orphans Christmas as we called them with a bunch of friends from all over in London (I'm from NZ) and it was the best fun.

One year I came back to NZ for 7 days and it was a killer. I wouldn't waste my time going home if I was only away for 6 months though.

thatdamnwoman · 27/11/2019 10:30

He's only just arrived in NZ, he's probably feeling homesick and he's decided he wants to come home for Christmas because that'll get him through the first complicated couple of weeks settling in to a new and potentially challenging situation.

But he's there in a group, not alone, and when he's over the jetlag and the homesickness he'll almost certainly start to appreciate the upside of spending Christmas on a beach with friends. So I'd say don't offer him any encouragement to come home but encourage him to make plans over there.

I'm coming up for retirement and was brought up in a different world – one where you just had to tough things out much of the time. Learning how to make the best of a situation is a really good lesson so let him learn it now.

HeyNotInMyName · 27/11/2019 10:30

I appreciate he is train8g to be a pilot a. Will have to deal with jetlag all the time and that planes will be his normal.
But having some that sort of trip before, I would nit do it for less than 2 weeks unless there was a really good reason.

For me good reasons would be him struggling in the other side of the world or struggling with being in his own for Christmas.
The other side is that he is basically experiencing growing up. And it can be harsh when you are on the other side of the world. On the other side, he is training for the job he wants and has this massive opportunity to spend time in another country etc.... By accepting that training/job, he also accepted that he wouldnt be able to Do all those family things such as Christmas etc.... And he needs to accept that some stuff won’t be possible due to financial reasons (eh HE can’t pay fo the flight). Part of growing up.

Having said that, it’s his life and his decision. If he wants to come, he can as long as HE pays for it. Saying NO would like quite mean tbh.

bridgetreilly · 27/11/2019 10:30

Honestly, unless you've also moved to the other side of the world and been away for Christmas, I don't think you would know how you would feel in his position. When I lived overseas, I was not planning to come home for my first Christmas, just a couple of months after I'd moved, but I was desperately homesick and when my mum offered to pay for flights, I bit her hand off. It made such a huge difference to me, and I was only at home for 5 days.

So, I think you need to stop judging him, and stop interfering between him and your parents. They can all make their own choices.

BellyButton85 · 27/11/2019 10:31

Even if I couldn't afford the ticket id find the money somehow to get my baby home for Christmas whatever their age.
You may not be close so it may not bother you him not being home, but I couldn't say no to my child that wanted to be with me for Christmas

WatchingTheMoon · 27/11/2019 10:32

He's 22. He's an adult. If he wants to come home, he can fund himself.

BellyButton85 · 27/11/2019 10:34

Oh sorry I didn't read the full thread. That's on your parents as to whether they want to spend their money on bringing him home or not. But same applies IMO, doesn't matter the age to me

BlueBirdGreenFence · 27/11/2019 10:35

The naivety of your age is shining through. People aren't always here. The world can and will be pulled from under you at any minute and you know what, it is an absolute privilege for parents to be able to look after their children.

Plus it is absolutely none of your business so you should keep your beak out.

HeyNotInMyName · 27/11/2019 10:36

@bridgetreilly, I’ve spent most of my life living on the other side of the world of my family. I’ve had Christmas on my own and most f them have been wo my parents since I was 18yo.

My take on that

  • he CHOOSE to go away to the other side of the world
  • he hasn’t expressed he is depressed and homesick (and I have been myself for various reasons)

Making the choice to go away like this can be hard sure. It’s also a MASSIVE opportunity, he isn’t on his own. And this will be his normal as a pilot (I doubt he will be able to spend every Christmas at home with family...).

MzHz · 27/11/2019 10:36

I lived in South America when I was 20, I always flew back for Christmas but I’d always been there since February

I also always paid my own flights.

I think your brother should pay all his own flights to get back, if he wants to be home for Christmas.

But if your parents are insisting on paying half... yeah it’s crazy, but that’s their prerogative

MzHz · 27/11/2019 10:41

as this is only a training period and he’s not emigrated etc, I think think he’s missing a massive opportunity to do a Christmas in a completely different way, with a bunch of mates and if I were you id carry on encouraging him to do the road trip, he won’t necessarily get that time and opportunity to do it again.

If he’s usually receptive to you and your encouragement then have a decent chat with him and I reckon he’ll thank you later as he usually does.

HeyMissyYouSoFine · 27/11/2019 10:42

He's 22. He's an adult. If he wants to come home, he can fund himself.

OP is the sister - the parents are apparently offering to do half the cost - I assume- so TBH I think it's up to the three adults involved who pays for what.

I already get annoyed when family - other than DH who I make decision with - have opinions on what we spend our money on.

If I was the parent here I'd be waiting few more weeks to see if it was still what they wanted - and letting them know it was completely fine if they didn't but that we'd love to see them if they did - if we had the money which would be our business.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 27/11/2019 10:45

Are you quite young OP? It's just your certainty that your parents will always be able to see you and your DB because you're not going anyway is rather naive. Lots in life can change from illnesses to relationships to career changes. Nothing is guaranteed.
Enjoy the time with your DB. You don't know how many future Christmases you'll be able to spend together as other commitments take precedence.

Glitterbaby17 · 27/11/2019 10:45

I think you’re being mean and should butt out. It’s nice he wants to come home. As someone who when younger travelled from work he’ll bounce back quickly. And when he’s flying a commercial pilot roster he may not have the opportunity. Yes you can experience a different Christmas or do a road trip but if it’s not his idea of a good time you shouldn’t pressure him...

NYCDreaming · 27/11/2019 10:46

I've found that when I have the urge to control a situation that is none of my business, it's usually because of something happening in my life rather than the situation itself. When I'm happy with my situation, the urge to control others fades away. Just some food for thought.

Why are you so invested in him staying? Maybe you would like to go on a road trip with your friends instead of spending Christmas at home - and if you do, go for it! But that's not what he wants to do.

Your brother wants to come home for Christmas, your parents want your brother to come home for Christmas and they have agreed between themselves who is going to pay for it. Butt out.

MzHz · 27/11/2019 10:47

I completely get that @HeyMissy, I’d be mega pissed off if anyone tried to tell me and oh how to spend money.

Elbeagle · 27/11/2019 10:49

Yeah, we thought DB ‘wasn’t going anywhere’... until he didn’t come home one night as he had been killed in a car accident on his way home from his girlfriends house.

Snog · 27/11/2019 10:52

If he wants to be home at Christmas and your parents want this too and wouldn't miss the money for his flight I really don't see what the issue is.

User342109097569098 · 27/11/2019 10:55

If he wants to come let him pay, however if I had the money and it was my son I’d pay

Derbee · 27/11/2019 10:58

I think you’re overstepping, and I suspect you’re a bit jealous.

When he’s qualified, you’ll all enjoy the perks of having a pilot in the family for cheap flights etc. So him paying half now, or even your parents paying for it is no big deal IMO.

It’s totally reasonable to want to be with family at Christmas.

Ginseng1 · 27/11/2019 10:59

There's no issue imo BUT unless he severely unhappy / homesick / lonely I'd think he was a total sap not to grab the opportunity to take off n do something different with his 20 colleagues. I'd encourage him (but not push) to stay. Also I wonder if he feeling bit of pressure from your parents at all??

DishingOutDone · 27/11/2019 11:01

If he's been gone for a week maybe there is something wrong? Maybe he's unhappy and things aren't going well? If your parents can afford it I think you mithering about the money doesn't bode well for future relationships. You've said they treat you equally - so your objection seems be entirely that he shouldn't WANT to come home? Really?

I don't think you'll get what you are looking for here OP.

TonTonMacoute · 27/11/2019 11:09

I think it sounds crazy to come back all that way just for a few days.

Everyone must have known ages ago that he wasn't going to be around for Christmas, and could have planned for this.

Doesn't sound like being a pilot is a great career choice for someone who gets homesick that easily TBH.

Thatsnotmynameisit · 27/11/2019 11:09

we're not going anywhere

You never know what is around the corner OP.
Your parents can afford it and are willing and want him home for Christmas. Just enjoy being together with your family - it's not coming out of your pocket is it

JammieCodger · 27/11/2019 11:16

Yanbu, OP.

If it were my child, unless I thought they were absolutely miserable I’d do whatever I could to encourage them to stay out there. Christmas with a group of friends in another country would be a great experience; he just needs the encouragement to take it.