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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's unreasonable to charge family for one off babysitting

287 replies

Partytrain · 26/11/2019 18:52

My sister and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things so wanted opinions on this. We've just moved house and my niece (sister's daughter) has been talking about sleepover at ours with our two young DC. DH & I have been invited out and I asked sister if niece wants to babysit our DC (basically watch a film until we get back) and sleep over that night. Sister said yes but asked how much she will be paid! As she is family I was never intending on paying her as I certainly wouldn't be charging. I said well I'll be giving her dinner and she'll be sleeping over and can join us next day at christmas fair. Just received message asking if I'll also be paying her bus fair. I think it's about £3 and my sister earns about 5 times more than I do! This isnt about paying money, more about the constant focus on money and tone from sister like she'll be doing me massive favour (lots of other recent things). I thought it would be fun for cousins but the questions about money make me uncomfortable. Aibu? Wwyd?

OP posts:
melj1213 · 26/11/2019 22:55

OP YABU - your niece is doing you a favour, so either give her £10 for watching your kids or rearrange the sleepover and ask one of your neighbours to babysit for free.

I used to babysit my younger cousins and I would always be given something for helping out, the extent would depend on the amount of responsibility I was being given but I'd always get something.

As an older teen who was watching my cousins from 6pm till whenever their parents got home from a night out in town they'd leave pizza or something for me and the kids, snacks for me once the kids were in bed and I'd get some cash as well. Even as a younger teen who was babysitting cousins for a couple of hours while their parents were at their friends two doors down and the kids were in bed before I even arrived, they'd usually rent a movie from Blockbuster and get me some sweets/pop as a treat to say thank you.

TBH even as an adult, my siblings/cousins and I all trade babysitting favours and while we dont expect cash from each other we "pay" each other by getting in some nice snacks/drinks for the bab

melj1213 · 26/11/2019 22:56

getting in some nice snacks for the babysitting adult*, buying them a drink the next time we're in the pub, taking them out to dinner periodically etc

shiningstar2 · 26/11/2019 22:58

If you are having dinner together, by the time that is cleared up and you get ready to go out, if you are going out for '2-3 hours' then yes you are leaving her in to look after your kids for the best part of the evening. I wouldn't call that a sleep over for the teenager. Even throwing in the Christmas fayre the next day. If you don't want to pay even her bus fair for coming to babysit I don't envisage that you are planning to spend extravagantly on her at the Christmas fair. If my daughter was babysitting I would expect her to be picked up not get the bus. I think you are being unrealistic. You say you can get other babysitting free. I would go for that op and invite your niece for dinner, a sleep over and a treat the next day with no strings attached.

NoSquirrels · 26/11/2019 22:58

My grandparents babysit for two or three hours once a week for us. We are well off and like buying them expensive/generous birthday and Christmas presents, but couldn’t imagine giving them 10-20 quid for looking after their own grandchild for a couple of hours. I guess if they were really hard up, but OP says sister is earning well....

I think some people responding, and the OP, are confused. In the above example, the grandparents (adults) are not ‘hard up’ and will have, in their turn, been responsible for babysitting younger family members before through the natural process of inter-generational childcare.

The niece in question is not an adult, is therefore ‘hard up’ (& will need to pay the bus fare for the privilege too out of her £0 wages), and isn’t a parent or grandparent or even an aunt - she’s being asked to ‘act up’ into a responsible role.

I think the problem is that you are seeing this babysitting as an extension of something being done by your sister rather than a job being done by your niece.
^^ what Gnome said.

It’s got nothing to do with OP’s sister other than not wanting her niece to be taken advantage of (which, reading between the lines, could be an issue - from the OP:

my sister earns about 5 times more than I do! This isnt about paying money, more about the constant focus on money and tone from sister like she'll be doing me massive favour

It’s entirely possible that the alternative point of view is “my sister’s always focusing on money because I regularly try to get out of paying my way because I hardly earn anything and she earns loads and she’s so stingy not letting me off paying for stuff when she can well afford it”

Pay. The. Teenager.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 26/11/2019 22:58

Bloody hell. DS babysat his cousins the other week and my sister picked him up, ordered in pizza for the three of them, dropped him back the following morning, and then paid him £30! (which I think was a bit much, but it was her choice).

Of COURSE your niece should be paid. It's nothing like an adult family member babysitting for the evening at all.

chuck7 · 26/11/2019 22:59

Yeah you need to pay be. £15/£20. If it was your SIL doing the favour then that is different and can returned. Why do you begrudge giving your niece some babysitting experience and pocket money?

Ellisandra · 26/11/2019 23:02

@EarringsandLipstick I think the key thing is you said you’re confident that your family would treat your daughter well. And you also said before that you absolutely would pay the niece. In that context, I agree it could be rude to ask about payment terms!

If my sister sent a message asking me what I was intending to pay, I guarantee she’d be coming from a place of “I need to check you’re not OVER paying, because you’re too generous to him as it is” Grin and vice versa.

But we know that the OP not only is out of step with most people on this thread in that she didn’t intend to pay, but she also didn’t expect to even cover the £3 bus fare. Which is taking the piss. So in that context, I would guess that the sister knows OP has form, or is likely not to pay - so it makes sense to ask. Yeah, you risk it seeming rude - but not half as rude as expecting your niece to cover her own travel, or as rude as expecting her mum to pay.

Pumpkintopf · 26/11/2019 23:03

Definitely some posters are missing the difference-

Adult family member - fine, no payment needed, return of favour/nice food/snacks

Teenager - pay them!!!!!

huuskymam · 26/11/2019 23:20

I have a relative who took advantage of my daughter in this way. Had her over for a "sleepover", then went out leaving her to babysit. DD wasnt happy about it. Then when she needed a babysitter, she agreed to pay but didn't. This happened twice. She was taking the piss. So now every time DD is asked to babysit, it's a big fat no.

She will babysit for anyone else in the family cause they know they won't take advantage.

Pay the teenager and make her feel valued. You dont invite someone for a sleepover then use them to your advantage.

Lunde · 26/11/2019 23:39

@Dandelion753 - Exactly! My grandparents babysit for two or three hours once a week for us. We are well off and like buying them expensive/generous birthday and Christmas presents, but couldn’t imagine giving them 10-20 quid for looking after their own grandchild for a couple of hours. I guess if they were really hard up, but OP says sister is earning well.... So cold!

You seem to be totally missing the point Dandelion! This thread is about a different situation entirely - so you are comparing Apples and pears!

We are not talking about family adults babysitting at all. Of course you don't pay grandparents and OP would not be expected to pay if her sister was watching her kids.

But the situation here is that OP has invited a teenager (niece) over for a "sleepover" but instead of hosting and entertaining her as would be expected at a "sleepover" they are are intending to go out for the evening use the teen as an unpaid babysitter. They are even refusing to pay the teenager's bus ticket leaving her out of pocket. OP seems to think that because her sister is "well off" that this means that she "deserves" the free labour of her sister's children.

RachelEllenR · 26/11/2019 23:49

I pay my nephew to babysit - I don't pay my sister. I agree with the majority.

Mumtotwo82 · 26/11/2019 23:57

I wouldn't expect to pay a family member who is a grown adult.. except getting some food in or whatever. But I would definitely pay my teenage niece. It like pocket money for them. Even if she refused, i'd want to put a tenner in her pocket.

BackforGood · 27/11/2019 00:04

I agree with virtually everyone else.
Giving a teenager a bit of cash in return for them looking after your dc is the right thing to do.

I paid my dns on the odd occasion to look after mine when they were little.
Personally, once mine were old enough to st for their cousins (on the other side of the family) I didn't ask my SiL / BiL what they would pay them, as I know that my SiL / BiL wouldn't take the mick and would treat them properly.
Maybe your sister realised in advance that wasn't going to be the case, so that is why she felt the need to prompt you ?

1moresurvey · 27/11/2019 00:29

I hope you work in a business run by a family member OP because obviously they won't have to pay you at the end of the month, being family and all....

Longfacenow · 27/11/2019 00:33

So are you going with the majority OP?

yearinyearout · 27/11/2019 07:58

Hang on...how old are your two dc? I was assuming they were much younger. Say if yours were 11/12 and the niece is 14, I would have given a different answer as they don't really need looking after as such.

selfhelpneeded · 27/11/2019 08:00

@yearinyearout op asked DN to babysit so I'm assuming op thinks they need looked after and that DN would be in charge.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/11/2019 08:07

What planet are you from?

One where I can stick my tongue in my cheek Roly

havingtochangeusernameagain · 27/11/2019 08:42

I do think people should pay teen relatives to babysit (including siblings).

If your niece is under 16 I wouldn't be getting her to babysit as she is legally under the age of responsibility Not sure what age of responsibility you are referring to, but babysitting courses are generally for 14 and over, and I had a babysitter who was 13 (going on 23) when ds was about 10. It's how responsible the teen is, not what age they are. Not sure I'd employ my 17 year old as a babysitter, but he'd not want to do it anyway.

steff13 · 27/11/2019 08:56

I wouldn't pay my brother or sister-in-law to babysit; that's just a thing we do for each other. I wish think of not paying my niece or nephew though. She's a kid, pay her.

steff13 · 27/11/2019 08:57

Wouldn't

Crazycrazylady · 27/11/2019 09:14

I think it's very mean spirited not to give her something . It's nothing to do with what you've done for your sister but I honestly don't know why you posted when you clearly don't plan on giving her anything and completely think you're in the right.

kiabella · 27/11/2019 09:31

I've been the teen in this situation, I was 14 when my brother had twins and I babysat almost every weekend for them while he and his gf went out until the girls were 3. they truly used the fact I was mad about babies and couldn't do enough for my nieces. Never got paid and I never minded as I loved being so close to them. On a rare occasion I would get £20 if I was watching them for a full day but I never expected it and it was always a nice bonus. Fast forward to me having my own children and my brother has babysat about 3 times for me so I only feel a bit put out now, at the time it was great. If she really wants to spend time with your children maybe let her come round a little earlier so she can help out them to bed etc. I think inviting her to the fair the next day is fair game as it's a one off.

AhNowTed · 27/11/2019 09:33

No you wouldn't pay your sister but of course you pay your niece!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/11/2019 09:43

Stop being so stingy. Just pay the kid a tenner (at least) or cancel the whole thing and don't go out.

Paying her will help her to recognise the value of 'earning' some money. Even if she is 'just watching a movie' she's actually being responsible for the welfare of your kids.

Surely that's a good life skill?