Or is this set-up unsustainable and shit?

[AnnaHorribilis]

I’m having yet another thoroughly miserable day (it’s becoming an almost daily occurrence now) and I’d just like a reality check — is this a totally crap and unsustainable situation or am I just in need of a grip? Wondering if this could be PND, even?

DH and I have 3 young children: 4, 2 and 9 months.

My husband works full-time; I am a SAHM by day but WFH (web-related) in the evenings. I earn roughly half what he does, if that’s relevant.

The 4yo goes to a local preschool for her 15 funded hours a week. The younger two are with me full-time. The 9mo is still breastfed and will not be put down for more than 5 mins, and will only sleep on me, day and night.

So, after the older two go to bed, I feed the baby with my laptop balanced on my knees behind her, and work like that from about 8-12. She’s ill and teething at the moment so not settling at all, but I have to just keep swapping sides and carry on because she won’t settle otherwise and I have deadlines to meet.

When I’m too tired to work any more, I close the laptop, slide down a bit on the sofa and sleep half sitting all night, with constant wake-ups from the baby.

DH sleeps in the bed upstairs, usually also working late, and if the older two wake up early or in the middle of the night, they go in with him.

I do all the housework, shopping, and any “life admin” (sorry, I know MN hates that term but think birthday/Xmas cards and presents, bills, insurance, tax, appointments, everything). After previous outbursts about this (from me), DH now does most of the washing up in the morning before he goes to work, leaving the dirtiest pans etc. as he washes cleanest-dirtiest and they won’t all fit on the drying rack 🙄

So my day is basically: get up with the baby; get all three children bathed and dressed; put wash on; make breakfast for everyone; walk eldest to school for 9; come back and look after two or three preschoolers all day as well as any chores that need doing; make dinner for 6 so we can all eat together when DH gets in; bedtime routine; work with fussy baby on top of me; sleep/not sleep sitting up all night; repeat.

Is this normal/expected when kids are this age? I just feel like there’s absolutely NO fun or downtime in my life at the moment.

I’m also not enjoying my children at all. I’m knackered and bad-tempered almost all the time and it feels like they’re always complaining, bickering, crying, making mess, demanding things, etc. etc. etc. I know they’re not, and they’re actually lovely children who I love to bits, but I’m just so worn down and snowed under with everything I’ve got to do.

I feel like a totally crap parent at the moment. I snap at them and feel awful for it, but my temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter by the day. I feel on-edge, stressed out, angry and tearful a lot of the time.

Sorry that was so long! 😭 Basically AIBU to be feeling this way, does this sound like too much to cope with to you or am I just not resilient enough?

So your DH does a bit of washing up, sleeps a full night in a proper bed, and then pops off to work for the day?

Not normal as far as I am concerned (and if it is, it shouldn't be).

Does he do any parenting at all?

What happens at the weekend?

Jesus, your work situation sounds absolutely untenable. You need to be able to go actually go to bed. Up to you obviously but I'd either sack off the job, if that's an option or stop breastfeeding, sleep train and kick DH out of bed to do some of the night wakings. You can't carry on like this - no wonder you're feeling depressed.

Thanks for your reply.

He does lots of parenting when he’s home. Weekends are definitely shared in terms of the kids, although to be honest I don’t really find it that much of a break, it’s the same old routine as during the week for me. I just feel like a change would be as good as a rest!

Squash Yes, the work situation is really getting me down. We need the money unfortunately, but it’s truly barely manageable for me with the baby on me all the time. I have no headspace and no personal space whatsoever, plus I’m exhausted by that point in the day.

Sleep train the baby. Make sure you get time to yourself at the weekend and talk to your DH.

Your situation is utterly ridiculous. You need some childcare to work. You're doing what, 20 hours or so a week? Put your dc into nursery for most of that time. Your youngest is old enough for sleep training, you absolutely should not be collapsing exhausted on the sofa every night, you'll make your self ill. Your dh sounds like a it of an arse tbh, can he not see how absolutely unsustainable this is. You absolutely not being unreasonable.

I know it's not a popular thing to say on here but in my experience the only way to help your baby to sleep is to stop breastfeeding. They're not feeding because they're hungry but for comfort. Honestly, sleep training your baby will be the best thing you can do. It's your husband who should be helping with this, too.

You sound so tired - you really need to do something about this now.

Your DH needs to take over with the baby in the evening, so you need to night-wean.

It will seem impossible. But you can’t carry on like that. Or you need some more flexible childcare to allow you to work daytimes e.g. a mother’s help.

I'm not sure it is meant to be a good idea to co-sleep on a sofa.

Could you not have the bed with the baby and your DH the sofa? Or a spare room / sofa bed at least.

Mine were feeding / cosleeping to 2-3 so I do get it but feel for you not being able to relax properly or lie down. Wonder if there is any way you could work more in the daytime and at least be able to rest properly in the evening / night

Why on earth are you sleeping on the sofa with the baby, and isn't that dangerous? Also not good for your health long-term I would think, both because of the lack of quality sleep and possibly doing your back in or something.

Also what on earth is your H doing (apart from a little washing up) while you are doing all of the morning routine, all of the bedtime routines and then trying to work with a baby attached to you?

You also need some breaks, for your sanity. I know you've said the little one is a velcro baby, but I don't believe it is truly impossible to get him/her to sleep at all while unattached to you, or for H to have her for a while so you can get a break - yes, there will likely be lots of screaming at the first few attempts as you're changing what s/he's used to, but baby needs to get used to dad as well and the only way to change things is to push through the initial difficulty (I know this is very hard when you're already knackered and tempted by the short-term easy option!). But your current situation sounds nuts!

You dont need to stop bf completely but you do need to sleep train your baby, and your DH needs to help do thar. It won't make everything perfect immediately, but better sleep and the prospect of being able to have an odd evening out in future will massively perk you up

My days OP, my heart goes out to you. You cant carry on like this. You need to actually go to bed. I feel like you need to slowly 'train' your clingy baby to be put down. As PP said, I imagine there will be lots of screaming at first but it can be done!

Your DH should look after the kids, including the baby, whilst you work, just as you look after the kids whilst he works. 9 months is plenty old enough to be night weaned and to go three hours without a feed in the evening. It will be tonight but your current set up is unsustainable. Sleeping on the sofa with a baby just isn't safe, quite apparent from what it's doing to you.

It’s a sofa-bed we’re sleeping on. Not ideal from a safety point of view (yet another thing I feel terrible about), but when it’s time to sleep I boot off all the other cushions apart from the one behind me, which makes it a sort of big, empty flat space where I can sit and sleep/feed. But the baby lies on me, she won’t even lie next to me awake, let alone asleep. So yes, I do worry about the safety of it too

Would it be possible to do your work during the day and put the younger 2 in nursery for a few sessions? I think it’s the working in an evening and sleeping on the sofa with the baby that sounds particularly difficult.

Please do not sleep on a sofa with a baby. That is very dangerous.
Inagree with the sleep training comment. You need to put the baby down when she is sleeping. Even when awake, look for one of those blankets with activity things they can do while awake and you are nearby.

Stop sleeping on the sofa too. It’s horrible for your health and you are not getting real rest. Dont work until you do not have energy to even go to bed. You are running yourself into exhaustion.

I’d talk with your partner about getting in a part time teenage/student babysitter to watch the baby and children for a few hours a couple times a week while you work from home. You don’t need a professional child minder if you are home supervising. You will get so much more done with 6hrs/week child free than struggling every evening for a few hours with a baby after a long day.

Thank you all so much, I’m tearing up reading your kind responses (ridiculous, I know). I feel like such a horrible person and a horrible mother, I just want some happiness back so I can stop faking it for the kids (and failing) and actually enjoy them, they’re so amazing and they deserve a better mum.

Also just a thought why are you bathing them every morning? Can they go every other day with a bath? Or DH bath in evening surely?

100% sleep train the baby. Then you should get 2 regular naps and a full nights sleep out of them per day when you can give attention to the eldest kids (day) and work/sleep (night).
That seems the biggest issue to me. Well, that and the fact you're working more than a full time job (3 kids and all housework) as well as an actual job too. Is there really no way you can cut your hours or stop working for a few months, then out baby in nursery when they're 1 so you can work during that time?

I think you really need to make changes to how the baby feeds and sleeps. From my own experience that can be a nightmare, however, I'd be insane with stress from the constant contact no matter how much I loved that baby. Your husband really needs to help with this. Good luck.

Is there a reason you're still breast feeding? It sounds like it's time to stop, your youngest should not be on you all the time like this and it seems like it's causing much of your problems.

This is awful. Awful awful awful. You can’t work evenings like that. It’s like w bloody sweat shop. And why is he working evenings? Don’t believe for a second he has to.

The only way to improve this is your husband takes over childcare when he comes in and you go and work away from them all.

Wean the baby off the breast. Sitting there feeding them all night trying to work is the most miserable thing I think I’ve heard.

I honestly feel quite stressed and anxious just reading your post. You poor poor woman 😳

If you're working, you need childcare! Looking after kids is a full time job, this is not even near sustainable! You're going to make yourself ill

Oh, don’t feel horrible. Please. You are obviously a very loving and dedicated mother.

Putting the children in nursery is a great idea- sorry, I assumed you needed to work 8-12 in the evenings rather than that’s the only time you could snatch. You need at least a few sessions a week. Then on nursery days you can do your work and go to bed at the same time as the children to catch up