Or is this set-up unsustainable and shit?

[AnnaHorribilis]

I’m having yet another thoroughly miserable day (it’s becoming an almost daily occurrence now) and I’d just like a reality check — is this a totally crap and unsustainable situation or am I just in need of a grip? Wondering if this could be PND, even?

DH and I have 3 young children: 4, 2 and 9 months.

My husband works full-time; I am a SAHM by day but WFH (web-related) in the evenings. I earn roughly half what he does, if that’s relevant.

The 4yo goes to a local preschool for her 15 funded hours a week. The younger two are with me full-time. The 9mo is still breastfed and will not be put down for more than 5 mins, and will only sleep on me, day and night.

So, after the older two go to bed, I feed the baby with my laptop balanced on my knees behind her, and work like that from about 8-12. She’s ill and teething at the moment so not settling at all, but I have to just keep swapping sides and carry on because she won’t settle otherwise and I have deadlines to meet.

When I’m too tired to work any more, I close the laptop, slide down a bit on the sofa and sleep half sitting all night, with constant wake-ups from the baby.

DH sleeps in the bed upstairs, usually also working late, and if the older two wake up early or in the middle of the night, they go in with him.

I do all the housework, shopping, and any “life admin” (sorry, I know MN hates that term but think birthday/Xmas cards and presents, bills, insurance, tax, appointments, everything). After previous outbursts about this (from me), DH now does most of the washing up in the morning before he goes to work, leaving the dirtiest pans etc. as he washes cleanest-dirtiest and they won’t all fit on the drying rack 🙄

So my day is basically: get up with the baby; get all three children bathed and dressed; put wash on; make breakfast for everyone; walk eldest to school for 9; come back and look after two or three preschoolers all day as well as any chores that need doing; make dinner for 6 so we can all eat together when DH gets in; bedtime routine; work with fussy baby on top of me; sleep/not sleep sitting up all night; repeat.

Is this normal/expected when kids are this age? I just feel like there’s absolutely NO fun or downtime in my life at the moment.

I’m also not enjoying my children at all. I’m knackered and bad-tempered almost all the time and it feels like they’re always complaining, bickering, crying, making mess, demanding things, etc. etc. etc. I know they’re not, and they’re actually lovely children who I love to bits, but I’m just so worn down and snowed under with everything I’ve got to do.

I feel like a totally crap parent at the moment. I snap at them and feel awful for it, but my temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter by the day. I feel on-edge, stressed out, angry and tearful a lot of the time.

Sorry that was so long! 😭 Basically AIBU to be feeling this way, does this sound like too much to cope with to you or am I just not resilient enough?

so sorry, I misread that.

Having taken another read, I stand by my first 2 suggestions.

You have an awful lot on your plate so
In your situation I would
Sleep train (this will also sort naps so that you can do an hour of work during the day if your 2 yo still sleeps?)
Continue to feed your baby as you please
Review which bits of life admin can be dropped-don’t need to send cards etc-I dropped that with ds2 and no one has complained...
Sleep with my DH in a bed

Consider;
Bath in the evenings by DH so you can start work a bit earlier or look at daytime childcare for all kids and ensure you’re getting all you’re entitled to childcare wise
Do you have any other family help etc who can support you in the run up to/during sleep training?
Consider DH taking all 3 for a morning at the weekend-3 hours rested work will be very productive compared to what your doing at the moment...

Hi OP, I have a 9 month old who is my second child, still breastfed. I don't think you need to stop breastfeeding or sleep train. You have other options. Have a look at the No Cry Sleep Solution and join the Beyond Sleep Training group on Facebook if you want to change things without sleep training. You can make small gentle changes to get to where you'd like to be. In case if it helps to know what I did, I started putting my DD in bed asleep at 6 months when it was bedtime and got DH involved in bedtimes and wakeups age 7 months. We kept trying and he'd bring her to be if he felt he wasn't going to be able to calm her. Gentle, gradual, persistent changes and we now get at least 2 hours to ourselves in the evening, I get longer when he does bedtime for both kids. I didn't think he'd be able to do bedtimes but he could. I sidecarred the cot, babyproofed the gaps and watch with a video monitor. She stays in there until first wake up, then bedshares with me. I try to go to bed by 10 and feel reasonably well rested most days but get lie ins where possible. Can you work on one day of the weekend so you don't have to do 4 hrs every night? There's also a book called Fair Play by Eve Rodsky that I'd recommend which gives you the tools for a more equitable division of labour with your DH.

It's not sustainable. Even if baby wasn't sleeping on you, most people work while kids are in childcare, not after doing a full day of childcare themselves! I don't know what the solution is but you're going to run yourself into the ground.

Agree with others to check out 30 hours childcare.
Also could you work a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday? Take yourself off to a cafe (with WiFi), put some earphones in and order a nice coffee and cake. Get your work done. You will be more productive than having a small baby attached to you. Let dh have them for a few hours. If you could get 4 hours in at the weekend it could give you a night off during the week.

Does your DH need to work late at night too? If it's not absolutely necessary then he needs to drop it. He can take over some of the evening/night duties including watching baby whilst you work.

You do need to address baby's sleeping and feeding. I can understand why you keep putting it off because you sound so tired and you're going for the path of least resistance but it isn't sustainable. You need to start moving baby into a cot for naps and through the night. If you have any relatives nearby, ask them to watch the other DCs for a day, and spend a day getting baby to adjust to sleeping somewhere other than on you. Good luck!

OP, you're not a terrible mother - what you are is a terribly tired mother.

Please take on board any of the suggestions that are helpful to get a bit of time and space for yourself back into your life. Even being able to get up a couple of mornings a week without having to bath children would make a big difference.

Working with a sometimes fractious baby on the boob sounds absolutely miserable. Sorry, but your husband needs to take the baby for part of the evening, even if he brings her back when she needs the boob.
I admire your determination to carry on breastfeeding, but please do it in a way that's kind to you as well as baby.

That is absolutely not sustainable

I also have a 9 month old breastfed cloth nappied baby.

We night weaned about a month ago as it was getting ridiculous overnight.

I feel nearly human now!

Please sleep train and night wean. You need to look after yourself too.

This is madness OP. I know from experience it's hard to think clearly when you are so overwhelmed and exhausted, so I'd do these things:

1. Go to aldi and buy a pack of disposable nappies (around £2). Put one one overnight, to cut out the morning baths.
2. Buy some formula nad a bottle. Give the baby 1 bottle at night to try and encourage them to have a longer sleep
3. This weekend, get your husband to agree to have 1 shit night and cope with all the children while you get 8 solid hours of sleep.
4. put the baby in her own cot and shush her to sleep when she whinges. A couple of hard nights, then she should get used to it (I couldn't leave them to cry, so let her know you are there, but don't let her sleep on you.)
5. do you have a relative that could take 1 or more child for a morning or afternoon on a regular basis so you can work in the day? Your Mum taking the older two to baby group every tuesday, for example?

You shouldn't have to live like this. Out of interest (and mean no judgement, just considering a 3rd myself) was your 3rd child planned? Did you intend to have such small age gaps?

It will get better.

I think working outside the home once she is weaned or taking a bottle would actually give you a break, depending how important or growing your web based business is. Could you earn enough doing some bar work or similar a few evenings a week/weekend. But yes, short term sort the sleep or at least prioritise your comfort and take some free time (a daily half hour and longer on weekends?)

www.gov.uk/30-hours-free-childcare

Are you earning over £6,830.72 (Min wage for 16h a week)? If so your 4 year old may be entitled to 30 hours funding, (as would your 2 year old the term after they turn 3.), woudl that help?

My daughter (who is 5 now) wouldn’t sleep anywhere apart from on me until she hit 10 months old.
It was the worst time of my life I think, I’ve never felt so physically trapped and mentally exhausted from constantly having a child attached to me.

You’re doing good op. It’s not as simple as sleep training, it doesn’t work for all children.
One day she just changed and rolled off me and slept next to me instead.

She’s still quite anxious around bedtime though and hates being alone at night.

It’ll get better op. Big hugs!

Id like to see him take the baby to work and work while balancing the baby on his knees. He wouldnt last one day no matter 9 months.
No wonder you're exhausted.
You work 4 hour paid day.
He works 7 hours?
You earn the same so arguably you work equivalent workload, you just intensify it.
You are not SAHM. You are being treated very badly.
Id draw up a breakdown of labour, a 24 hour one. And 7 day too. Use excel. Start with EQUAL sleep and EQUAL leisure time.
Divide equally.

I agree with previous posters OP, it sounds awful and not sustainable. I know though that it's so hard to think things through and make changes when you're exhausted.

Re: cloth nappies - I use cloth including overnight, i've always found a good wash with soapy water and reusable wipes was fine in the morning without need for a bath and never had any soreness - could you try eating tea and then DH gets them bathed while you work, then just a quick wash in the morning?

I really feel the difficulty with your baby, my 9 month old is exactly the same - I am at least in my own bed, but she won't sleep even beside me so I end up holding her, it's exhausting. My DH uses a sling and has her in the evening though so I get a couple of hours once oldest is asleep, this makes all the difference - could your DH try this?

for you, it's all very well for us all to suggest solutions but putting them into practice when you're so exhausted is hard.

Id like to see him take the baby to work and work while balancing the baby on his knees

For Goodness sake. Did you miss the bit the baby is on her because if breast feeding? Are you under the impression men can do that? Or that she works with the baby on her knee for the sheer joy of it? Or maybe he forces her?

Some people will do anything to make it the mans fault.

This is so sad and it is dangerous and unsustainable

First off the financial side: given the implications of the hours you and your DH work you must have a certain amount coming in. Look at what is coming in and out and make some changes. Look where you can find some more money for childcare

Your DH needs to take on more responsibility you cannot do everything all he does is HALF the washing up. That is not enough. Tell him he needs to man up and help you more.

Your sleeping situation is untenable and needs to be sorted. You need to be in a bed. Look at some safe co sleeping options. And if someone needs to sleep on a sofa bed its him

Hmm. I work with one (sleeping!) DC at home; what you're describing really doesn't sound sustainable.

I agree with others re sleep training. Can you take a week off work, research it and crack on?

I did this, although the reason was that my husband works away so I had the kids all day then worked in the evenings, with the smallest nursing on my lap. I would say your first step is to get the bed back for you and the baby, who will get used to it in time. Safer, and better sleep for you until you're ready to move on from feeding through the night. Good luck. It will end. It's very hard though.

Hi. I feel scared for you. This seems like a fast track to ill health. Sleep isn’t optional, my dear, you need it and so does your baby. There are brilliant suggestions on here. Please please get some sleep, whether by handing everything over to your Dh from tomorrow, by calling in a favour from a relative , hiring a childminder or putting them all in nursery. You really do need to go to bed. Anyone would feel desperate. Your not horrible, you are lovely, and your children need you happy and healthy, not martyred on the wheel.
If your baby cries , that’s ok, babies do cry.

When I had to work evenings, dh would have the kids all evening- dinner, bedtime, etc. As soon as he got home from work, I would gather the laptop and anything else i needed, head off to Costa or Starbucks, grab a coffee and set up for a couple of hours. You need child care while you work. And you need sleep. Dt Jay Gordon has a method online for nightweaning breast fed babies gently and it worked for all 3 of mine, it will be much easier if dh does that part as otherwise baby will be able to smell your milk. You can't both work the same evening without external childcare. Which is why you are so worn down- I have been there with velcro babies who just will not calm or be put down and that on its own is exhausting, without adding in lack of sleep or the work situation.

Get childcare? Seriously? Two children in childcare is going to be really really expensive. I would use disposable nappies just at night so you can switch to your husband giving them a bath in the evening.
Get your husband to do the bedtime routine. If you put your baby to bed she'll smell your milk and go mad. So while she may scream for your husband she'll probably settle quicker for him.
And split the housework 50/50 with your husband

Wow OP, you have a lot going on no wonder you're exhausted.

Have a read of this thread, I'm going to try this with my 15 month old who's still breastfed and co-sleeps!

What worked for us. Hope this helps. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/1394888-What-worked-for-us-Hope-this-helps

Have you checked your entitlements? Unless you are high earners, non U.K. etc. you should be able to claim 30hours four the 4 year old and may be able to claim 15 for the 2 year old. Also consider your tax planing. It sounds like you are self employed? If so are you running a business or working as a sole trader. There are many benefits to working through an Ltd business including legal protection and (possibly) a lower tax bill. It’s worth looking into.