Or is this set-up unsustainable and shit?

[AnnaHorribilis]

I’m having yet another thoroughly miserable day (it’s becoming an almost daily occurrence now) and I’d just like a reality check — is this a totally crap and unsustainable situation or am I just in need of a grip? Wondering if this could be PND, even?

DH and I have 3 young children: 4, 2 and 9 months.

My husband works full-time; I am a SAHM by day but WFH (web-related) in the evenings. I earn roughly half what he does, if that’s relevant.

The 4yo goes to a local preschool for her 15 funded hours a week. The younger two are with me full-time. The 9mo is still breastfed and will not be put down for more than 5 mins, and will only sleep on me, day and night.

So, after the older two go to bed, I feed the baby with my laptop balanced on my knees behind her, and work like that from about 8-12. She’s ill and teething at the moment so not settling at all, but I have to just keep swapping sides and carry on because she won’t settle otherwise and I have deadlines to meet.

When I’m too tired to work any more, I close the laptop, slide down a bit on the sofa and sleep half sitting all night, with constant wake-ups from the baby.

DH sleeps in the bed upstairs, usually also working late, and if the older two wake up early or in the middle of the night, they go in with him.

I do all the housework, shopping, and any “life admin” (sorry, I know MN hates that term but think birthday/Xmas cards and presents, bills, insurance, tax, appointments, everything). After previous outbursts about this (from me), DH now does most of the washing up in the morning before he goes to work, leaving the dirtiest pans etc. as he washes cleanest-dirtiest and they won’t all fit on the drying rack 🙄

So my day is basically: get up with the baby; get all three children bathed and dressed; put wash on; make breakfast for everyone; walk eldest to school for 9; come back and look after two or three preschoolers all day as well as any chores that need doing; make dinner for 6 so we can all eat together when DH gets in; bedtime routine; work with fussy baby on top of me; sleep/not sleep sitting up all night; repeat.

Is this normal/expected when kids are this age? I just feel like there’s absolutely NO fun or downtime in my life at the moment.

I’m also not enjoying my children at all. I’m knackered and bad-tempered almost all the time and it feels like they’re always complaining, bickering, crying, making mess, demanding things, etc. etc. etc. I know they’re not, and they’re actually lovely children who I love to bits, but I’m just so worn down and snowed under with everything I’ve got to do.

I feel like a totally crap parent at the moment. I snap at them and feel awful for it, but my temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter by the day. I feel on-edge, stressed out, angry and tearful a lot of the time.

Sorry that was so long! 😭 Basically AIBU to be feeling this way, does this sound like too much to cope with to you or am I just not resilient enough?

Argh, I don’t want a bunfight over breastfeeding! I’m grateful to everyone who offered their opinions on that, but I’ll be stopping when I’m ready, most likely once she turns 1. I’m not averse to trying to introduce some formula before that in addition (although I don’t hold out much hope — been there, done that x 2) 😂

MIL is coming for dinner tonight so I’m steeling myself to say something. I’ll feed back here if I have the guts to do it!

I'd go in with the angle of how many extra hours he's doing and worry over his health/well-being, rather than money.

Do bring it up. Good luck OP.

@Passthecherrycoke So because you have to breastfeed you've decided this means they're harder to look after?

What nonsense. Any time my dc hurts themselves it's boob. Trying to sleep? Boob. Ill? Boob. Injections? Boob. Alongside the fact that breast milk caters to my dc's needs in a way that formula doesn't, how can you come up with "they're harder too look after?"

Agree, @category12, thanks 💪🏼

“Any time my dc hurts themselves it's boob. Trying to sleep? Boob. Ill? Boob. Injections? Boob. Alongside the fact that breast milk caters to my dc's needs in a way that formula doesn't, how can you come up with "they're harder too look after?"”

And this is exactly why OP is spending her entire evening every night breastfeeding over her laptop trying to work.

Breastfeeding is great. Don’t be daft enough to pretend it’s the easy option for a woman

@Passthecherrycoke it's not easy ofc it's not otherwise everyone would do it. It's really difficult and anyone who does bf deserves praise!

But you said

BF babies often are harder to look after.

Where's your evidence?

Why do I need evidence? What is wrong with you? OP is describing spending the entire evening breastfeeding her baby what she tries to work. As I said before this is a perfect example of a Bf baby (who is, I emphasise- 9 months old, not a new born needing constant feeding) being more difficult to look after than one not breast fed

OP has also asked for there not to be breastfeeding bunfight on the thread, so perhaps you two could take it elsewhere?

There was no bunfight until she chopped off everyones reply who has mentioned BF and demanded they justify their answers to her.

How does feeding a baby lots = difficult to look after?

Oh yes, Op is finding it so easy. That’s why she posted, she can’t believe how easy it is to look after her baby. It sounds like the 4 hours of grazing each evening whilst she tries to work is the absolute highlight of her easy day.

I bet everyone wishes their baby were so easy to look after

Good luck for tonight with MIL OP.

It’s become really apparent that the work and financial situation for DP and lack of equity between DP and yourself are the primary problems. You can tweak around the edges and make some improvements with respect to day to day life and sleep but in the long term success with 3 DC requires you both to be on the same page and working together for the good of the family. You have so few choices/opportunities to change things within the current setup you’re going to feel disempowered, resentful and taken advantage of-none of which bodes well for the success of your long term relationship.

I think you’re being very accommodating of the family business-The role your DP is doing is worth a set amount to the company-that’s broadly what it would cost to find someone else to replace DP; he’s grown, so has the job but the salary hasn’t; the success and profitability of the business is currently overrated given that staff aren’t being paid adequately.
Try to remove the personal situation and impact on the family away from what he’s worth to the company-it won’t help. Your DP needs to look at what the job is paying what he’s getting from it and what it’s giving him in the long term and then decide together on the value of that and whether the compromises are worth it...

60 hours a week x 52 weeks a year = 3120 hours a year.
£24,000 divided by 3120 hours = £7.70ish an hour.
DP has to find a way to reduce his hours or get a pay rise or a different job.

Reduction in hours would be better for his family(you and dc)
A pay rise would mean you could outsource some child care, or reduce your own hours.
A new job(9-5) would mean 20 hours a week he would be at home not working, Being a DP and DF.
I do absolutely see that it is so simple on paper, but I can only see that it is DP that needs to change. You are doing so much. Someone else needs to make the difference. I think DP needs to have a conversation with his parents.

@Passthecherrycoke So, hold on, you're claiming OP's baby is 'difficult to look after' (not sure she even said this) because she's breastfed?
What nonsense. Breastfeeding has no effect on an infant's behavior. How can you even be difficult at 9 months? they don't even know what they're doing.

blue light but you’re exceeding your own nonsense levels to the point I don’t think youve understood the thread, or are being deliberately contrary to try and start an argument about breastfeeding.

I am not going to engage with you anymore.

I didn’t end up saying anything last night because apparently FIL brought the topic up himself with DH at work yesterday, so they’re going to have a proper meeting about it this week and try to work out a plan. Seems like a huge coincidence that it would be now, but OK.

I’ll see what comes out of it. For me, the upshot needs to be family-friendly hours now. If it’s a promise of anything “in the future” or “soon” that’s not good enough, nor is paying him slightly more for continuing to battle with this ridiculous workload.

Do you have a fellow MNer in the family who saw this thread?

I’ll see what comes out of it. For me, the upshot needs to be family-friendly hours now. If it’s a promise of anything “in the future” or “soon” that’s not good enough, nor is paying him slightly more for continuing to battle with this ridiculous workload.

Glad you know your line in the sand! Nothing to stop you having that chat with MIL in the context of “Great that FIL has noticed DH is working all hours - it’s been a huge strain, especially now the baby is here and I can’t top up our salary without working into the night...”

@Disfordarkchocolate 🤷🏽‍♀️ I’m fine with it if so tbh, I haven’t said anything mean about anyone, and nothing that isn’t true!

Maybe I’ve inadvertently already had the chat with MIL! 👋🏼 if so

You have been quite restrained @AnnaHorribilis. It could well be that they have been a bit unthinking and he is a people pleaser and it will be able to resolved.

Great that dh is going to talk to fil. You should give him a list of things NOT to say:
We’re fine- it’s a lie, you’re not fine and if he won’t support his marriage it might have to stop supporting him as you are falling apart
Anna’s hanging in there/ managing - Anna’s falling apart
Whatever you need dad - no. His wife and child have to come before living in slavery to his parents
He needs to reject gifts ‘aw son we’d have helped you out if we knew’ - he doesn’t want handouts, he wants to stop working all hours for an illegally low wage while his wife falls apart trying to hold everything else together.

Be clear that you need outcomes and if this conversation doesn’t produce them then this conversation is not finished yet.

Hope your all ok @AnnaHorribilis.

Thank you D The Talk has still not been had (DH is apparently “too busy” this week) but he is holding/napping with the baby while I work. I feel a bit bad, because it means when we swap over at midnight-ish he then has to start his work, but it’s been like that in reverse for months, and maybe the inconvenience will spur him on to actually have this conversation.

Let's hope so.

Fucking ridiculous that he works all day and still has loads to do every evening.

Yes if you make the inconvenience on him maybe he will do something