Or is this set-up unsustainable and shit?

[AnnaHorribilis]

I’m having yet another thoroughly miserable day (it’s becoming an almost daily occurrence now) and I’d just like a reality check — is this a totally crap and unsustainable situation or am I just in need of a grip? Wondering if this could be PND, even?

DH and I have 3 young children: 4, 2 and 9 months.

My husband works full-time; I am a SAHM by day but WFH (web-related) in the evenings. I earn roughly half what he does, if that’s relevant.

The 4yo goes to a local preschool for her 15 funded hours a week. The younger two are with me full-time. The 9mo is still breastfed and will not be put down for more than 5 mins, and will only sleep on me, day and night.

So, after the older two go to bed, I feed the baby with my laptop balanced on my knees behind her, and work like that from about 8-12. She’s ill and teething at the moment so not settling at all, but I have to just keep swapping sides and carry on because she won’t settle otherwise and I have deadlines to meet.

When I’m too tired to work any more, I close the laptop, slide down a bit on the sofa and sleep half sitting all night, with constant wake-ups from the baby.

DH sleeps in the bed upstairs, usually also working late, and if the older two wake up early or in the middle of the night, they go in with him.

I do all the housework, shopping, and any “life admin” (sorry, I know MN hates that term but think birthday/Xmas cards and presents, bills, insurance, tax, appointments, everything). After previous outbursts about this (from me), DH now does most of the washing up in the morning before he goes to work, leaving the dirtiest pans etc. as he washes cleanest-dirtiest and they won’t all fit on the drying rack 🙄

So my day is basically: get up with the baby; get all three children bathed and dressed; put wash on; make breakfast for everyone; walk eldest to school for 9; come back and look after two or three preschoolers all day as well as any chores that need doing; make dinner for 6 so we can all eat together when DH gets in; bedtime routine; work with fussy baby on top of me; sleep/not sleep sitting up all night; repeat.

Is this normal/expected when kids are this age? I just feel like there’s absolutely NO fun or downtime in my life at the moment.

I’m also not enjoying my children at all. I’m knackered and bad-tempered almost all the time and it feels like they’re always complaining, bickering, crying, making mess, demanding things, etc. etc. etc. I know they’re not, and they’re actually lovely children who I love to bits, but I’m just so worn down and snowed under with everything I’ve got to do.

I feel like a totally crap parent at the moment. I snap at them and feel awful for it, but my temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter by the day. I feel on-edge, stressed out, angry and tearful a lot of the time.

Sorry that was so long! 😭 Basically AIBU to be feeling this way, does this sound like too much to cope with to you or am I just not resilient enough?

Talk about missing the point Bluntless.
The DH needs to do what he can. Which is bathe kids, wash dishes, give her whatever chance he can to a, work and b, sleep.
It's normal to suggest he put himself in her shoes, and lighten her load

OMG I would have lasted less than a week.

This is completely ludicrous situation and it is unsafe for you to do this.

Forget the cloth nappies for a while, sorry I understand why they are the best option environmentally but not if you actually expire in the process.
DH does bedtime routine so you at the very least get a break OR can work from 6 - 10 instead of 8 - 12. Non negotiable.

Can you work a day/half a day at the weekend to take some evenings off midweek. DH takes the kids.

Nursery hours, any you can get. For the baby.

I wouldn't sleep train the baby - I think it is brutal and will break your heart, and theirs. But I would put them in nursery so that you can work and then be able to go to actual bed to sleep instead of these impossible night shifts.

Other people are better than me at thinking of solutions but just wanted to say, you are working all day and then working in the evenings and sleeping really badly. I'm surprised you have survived until now! Ya-definitely-nbu and I think you really need for something to change for the sake of your own health.

I would be getting 9month old into their own bed and sleeping in mine. There are ways to sleep train gently, I don't think this is safe or sustainable at all.

Why isn't your dh taking the baby off you while you're trying to work?

@category12 That's what I'm wondering too....it's pretty obvious.

You have dinner together and then say to you husband "I need to work now here is the baby" and give him the baby. If baby needs feeding you either give her formula or he brings baby to you for feeding and then takes her back.

Something needs to give, definitely.

You’re amazing to have managed until now!

I hope you can find a way to make some changes and get a better balance with time for you.
Working 20 hours pw or so with no childcare is madness, it would be too much for most people to do that in the evening having been looking after the kids alone all day, let alone with a baby attached to you and no prospect of a good nights sleep!

You’re working far too hard and you need more sleep — properly, lying down without baby attached. Other posters are giving you good advice and information. I hope you and DH make the changes you need before you fall ill.

3 under 5 was grim grim grim. Little daylight when eldest started school, bigger chunk when second started and actual sunshine when third started. I spent most of the time crying and exhausted when they were all under 5

Yep. The simplest change to make would be for your dh to take the baby while you work in another room. Even if he took her for a couple of hours, you'd get far more done than you possibly can in four hours while juggling her.

If dh can do all day Saturday with the dc then you could do 8 hours then. That's two nights, maybe even more, freed up for you to actually rest.

Personally I would feed the older kids earlier at 4.45/5ish, start bathing them at 6 while DH can then start cooking something for you both as you’re doing that (or he can do baths while you cook for the 2 of you) You can eat your eve meal with DH while they’re watching the last bit of CBeebies bedtime hour or a DVD and winding down. Older kids can try bits off your plate. (You can save the “all eat together” for the weekend for now, save doing that each night for when the kids have a later bedtime and therefore evening meal time)

Then both get ALL kids to bed, in their own beds/cot. The baby absolutely needs sleep training (I did a gradual retreat thing with DS1 for whom controlled crying made him 10 times worse, and I regret trying to stick to it for as long as I did)

You can come down and do some work without the baby on you while DH does dishes and sorts ironing etc. You would surely be more productive if you didn’t have the baby on you! It’s a really terrible idea to have a 9 month old sleeping on you, apart from the safety aspect, you can’t be continuing that when baby is 18 months and really heavy!

Then you BOTH go to sleep in your marital bed. While there is space there for them if you’re on the sofa bed downstairs, DH has no incentive to make the older ones stay in their own bed, has he?

Mornings will be much easier if there are no baths. You can still wash their nappy areas well on a changing mat.

You have to change SOMETHING. I have no idea how you haven’t had a nervous breakdown, I really don’t!

Agree with PPs. When DH comes home he gets all the children and you work for 4 hours. He's been working while you've been minding them for 7 hours so he has no valid argument against this.

Baby might last for 4 hours on solid food? Could you breastfeed her before and after your 4 hours work? I'm pro bf (still bf a toddler) so I wouldn't advise sleep training or giving up bf. These are not your main issues. Incidentally, PP who said WHO guidelines for bf beyond 6 months only applies to 3rd world is quoting out of date advice. All mothers are advised/encouraged to bf til 2 yrs.
I'm not sure why you're not sleeping in the bed? However I think the safe co sleeping advice about avoiding sofas refers to couches with cushions and cracks between back and seat where baby could get wedged, not a flat open sofa bed. I'm open to correction on this though.
Re cloth nappies. We do cloth. Baby only gets bathed about once a week. Cloth nappies are not going to give the children nappy rash. A good wipe in the morning will do.

DH needs to step up in relation to cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.
You're doing far too much. I'm exhausted thinking about you

And yes, DH also needs to take ALL the kids at the weekend while you get a chunk of work out the way. (This is if you can’t afford a childminder for the baby during the week)

Blimey, no wonder you are exhausted. I have one, reasonably well mannered (and decent sleeping) 2 year old and I often feel knackered.

You sound like a lovely, caring, dedicated mum, but you can’t continue like this indefinitely. You already said you feel bad tempered / snapping etc, which then I’m sure makes you feel guilty and so on. Not good for any of you.

My suggestions would be:

• sleep train your 9 month old. You don’t have to stop breastfeeding to do this although it would probably be more straightforward. The benefits of breastfeeding until 2 are often quoted, however this has to be balanced with your mental health, the sleep safety of your baby, and the wellbeing of your other children. My opinion, based on what you have described, is that decent sleep and routine would provide far more benefit for all of you than continuing with breastfeeding.

• sleep training is generally very divisive on MN, however an overtired baby will rarely be a happy baby. There are gentler ways than controlled crying, so you can look at what you might feel more comfortable with.

• stop using cloth nappies, at least overnight, until things have settled down. Before you know it your 2 year old will be potty trained anyway, so it’s then only one in nappies.

• look at getting some hours for your 2 year old - even if you don’t qualify for funding, could you afford maybe a couple of mornings a week?

Hope things start to get better for you really soon.

No wonder you're drained, you're carrying the load of 5 people, nevermind 1. I think it's admirable that you're still BF, using cloth nappies, etc, but ultimately I think your MH comes first. A fed baby is the most important thing. I'd personally do these things, because in my opinion the mother's mental health has to come first, or nothing else works (I speak as someone who had PND and know how awful I felt about everything- you have to look after yourself first):

• Switch to formula/expressed milk in a bottle. See if baby will feed. If she does, then great, from 6pm your husband can do the rest of the feeds.
• Use disposable nappies (at the very least overnight just so you don't have to do the baths in the morning). While you're working, your partner can do them in the evening.
• Sleep train baby. I'd wait until your partner had a week of annual leave so you can both tag team it and nap the following day if needs be. It'll take a good few days, but anything is better than this at the moment. Or, if you want to co-sleep- you get the bed. Your partner is a bit of a selfish prick for not offering to sleep on the sofa bed earlier, to be honest.
• Your partner needs to do chores when he's home and you're working in the evenings. There's no reason why he can't do the bedtime bath, stories and bed. No reason why he can't wash all the dishes and give the kitchen a once over. No reason why he can't fire a load of washing on.

You need to put your foot down with your partner, because honestly, you might as well be a single mum. He isn't pulling his weight. He's watching you drown. You have three kids, which I presume he wanted? Therefore, he's got to get his hands dirty.

You need to make big changes this week. Don't put it off. You're doing a fantastic job, but you shouldn't need to do everything alone. Kids are the responsibility of both parents, not just the one who's at home more. You are a working mum, just as he is a working dad. Both gotta muck in. I hope you feel better soon. This weekend tell your partner he's getting up with the kids and have a good lie in to yourself.

Your 4yo should be entitled to the 30h free at nursery.

Op in a similar situation I have 2 dc 2 and 3. I sleep upstairs in bed with them and husband sleeps downstairs on sofa. I think your husband should take the sofa. I sort the kids out if they wake in the night but generally we all get a better night sleep that wAy. It’s not ideal but it’s working for us atm.

The amount of posters saying stop bf. It’s not always actually that easy. I have just last month managed to stop bf my 3 year old that has gdd and asd and I couldn’t have just stopped feeding her as she was inconsolable when I did.

My suggestion would be, get the older ones to bed by 7.
Then eat with dh and baby.
8ish, he takes the baby, gives her a bath, walks around with her in a sling, lies with her upstairs, drives her round and round the block, does whatever it takes to give you a couple of hours to work.
10ish, you stop, regroup, spend some time together, then go to bed. In your own bed. Co-sleep with the baby more safely.
Pick up the missing hours of work during the weekend - dh takes the kids out/keeps them out of your hair for part of the day. plus gives you at least an hour just to sleep/have a bath/do something for yourself (do not use it for housework).

@ Nomorepies But I crashed my car the other day because I'm so tired (1-2 hours total broken sleep a night) wish my DH would help a bit more

Your DH should indeed PARENT his child. You can't go on like this. You need to tell him how dangerous sleep deprivation is. It is actually used as a form of torture.

The fact you crashed your car because of it should surely be the jolt you both need to change the dynamics.

I think @category12’s idea is excellent

You sound like a great mum trying her absolute hardest your babies are incredibly lucky

Well done for bfing..Keep going for as long as you and your baby want. In practice it is easier than messing about with bottles ..

Don’t ‘sleep train’ or any other sort of ‘train’ the baby! Train your dh instead ffs!

He needs to do more
Do you get any time to yourself at the weekend ? Does he take the dc out?
Can you afford a cleaner ?
You need to sleep in a bed x

I'm not working, I only have two and I can relate 100% to what you said about not enjoying my children so you're unreal with everything else on top. My youngest is 11 months and my relationship with my 3.5 has started to come back now ang bring me joy. I started "good enough" parenting, so although my preference is home cooked meals I'm buying me and dh a weekly lasagne or pizza, and the kids are having more processed food than I'd have liked. The net effect is they're having more sugar and salt but we've played together and I'm not a screaming frantic lunatic half the time. Find what will lighten your load.