Or is this set-up unsustainable and shit?

[AnnaHorribilis]

I’m having yet another thoroughly miserable day (it’s becoming an almost daily occurrence now) and I’d just like a reality check — is this a totally crap and unsustainable situation or am I just in need of a grip? Wondering if this could be PND, even?

DH and I have 3 young children: 4, 2 and 9 months.

My husband works full-time; I am a SAHM by day but WFH (web-related) in the evenings. I earn roughly half what he does, if that’s relevant.

The 4yo goes to a local preschool for her 15 funded hours a week. The younger two are with me full-time. The 9mo is still breastfed and will not be put down for more than 5 mins, and will only sleep on me, day and night.

So, after the older two go to bed, I feed the baby with my laptop balanced on my knees behind her, and work like that from about 8-12. She’s ill and teething at the moment so not settling at all, but I have to just keep swapping sides and carry on because she won’t settle otherwise and I have deadlines to meet.

When I’m too tired to work any more, I close the laptop, slide down a bit on the sofa and sleep half sitting all night, with constant wake-ups from the baby.

DH sleeps in the bed upstairs, usually also working late, and if the older two wake up early or in the middle of the night, they go in with him.

I do all the housework, shopping, and any “life admin” (sorry, I know MN hates that term but think birthday/Xmas cards and presents, bills, insurance, tax, appointments, everything). After previous outbursts about this (from me), DH now does most of the washing up in the morning before he goes to work, leaving the dirtiest pans etc. as he washes cleanest-dirtiest and they won’t all fit on the drying rack 🙄

So my day is basically: get up with the baby; get all three children bathed and dressed; put wash on; make breakfast for everyone; walk eldest to school for 9; come back and look after two or three preschoolers all day as well as any chores that need doing; make dinner for 6 so we can all eat together when DH gets in; bedtime routine; work with fussy baby on top of me; sleep/not sleep sitting up all night; repeat.

Is this normal/expected when kids are this age? I just feel like there’s absolutely NO fun or downtime in my life at the moment.

I’m also not enjoying my children at all. I’m knackered and bad-tempered almost all the time and it feels like they’re always complaining, bickering, crying, making mess, demanding things, etc. etc. etc. I know they’re not, and they’re actually lovely children who I love to bits, but I’m just so worn down and snowed under with everything I’ve got to do.

I feel like a totally crap parent at the moment. I snap at them and feel awful for it, but my temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter by the day. I feel on-edge, stressed out, angry and tearful a lot of the time.

Sorry that was so long! 😭 Basically AIBU to be feeling this way, does this sound like too much to cope with to you or am I just not resilient enough?

Your dh isn't doing enough. He can swap beds with you at the bare minimum, surely! Why does he get the proper bed while you struggle in an unsafe sleeping arrangement with the baby?

Maybe he takes the baby out for a drive each evening? A walk with the baby all wrapped up? Something so you have some time to work, or take a bath, or breathe on your own.

Can you arrange some type of childcare for the younger ones, too?

How can you cut corners? What are you doing now that is unnecessary? Can you skip certain things without any noticeable difference? Do it.

To start with you could reclaim 'the bed upstairs' and let DH have a turn on the sofa, and also I think you need some time out to yourself every week, for something for you, swim / exercise perhaps. Or it will drive you mad.

You need a break. No wonder you’re knackered. You can enjoy the children when you’ve had some sleep. Is there any family you can call on? Can your partner take any holiday? You’re doing an amazing job but you have to look after yourself too.

Also sleeping with baby on sofa is sooo risky. Can you prepare a safe cosleeping environment if you want/need to cosleep? Google the safe 7 for guidelines

I think if DH could put baby and kids in the bath tub, story and bed while you worked that would change the dynamic a lot. You could go up to bed a few hours later.
I feel awful for suggesting this but I think you need to get baby onto a bottle and into bed like the children now. X

We bathe in the morning because we do cloth nappies, so they’re not kept as dry as in a disposable and I want to make sure their skin is completely clean before they get dressed so they don’t get sore the following day. Also by the time we’ve eaten in the evening, adding a bath makes bedtime even later and it’s already 7.30-8 most days.

Have you thought about pumping milk so that in the evening or on a weekend afternoon you can hand all 3 children off to your partner. He can hold the baby and feed her expressed breast milk from a bottle. He can then put the baby to bed in her cot at night and free you to work.
She will fight it at first and scream. But after a couple days, she will get used to her dad and settle into the routine.
I had a clingy baby too and she ended up riding around in a baby Bjorn front carrier attached to her dad for months and then in a baby backpack. He didn’t mind as he was hands free and he could still do house chores, play with the older kids..etc....not even when she drooled all over him.

Can you express enough milk during the day to hand baby and bottle to your DH for him to then put baby to sleep while you work?

Ok Op I feel really bad for you but you have to make your life more convenient you’re insisting on CLOTH NAPPIES yet you basically have no time to have a crap in peace? No no no. Buy some disposables

Come on, tell us. What else are you insisting on doing that’s really hard work and an easier option readily available?

What do you think about stopping Breastfeeding? Sleep training? Telling your husband he’s the only parent in the evenings for a bit?

You need childcare. A breastfed 9 month old should go much longer than that. Am I right in saying your husband only does the washing up and he can't even do that?! A breastfed 9 month old can go to day care.

Your situation is untenable. Do you absolutely need your wage? Can your baby take a bottle? Why isn't husband on the sofa and you on the couch? When you planned this child what were your plans?

Bathing kids in the morning seems bananas. Take the short cuts. Don't be a martyr. You only have one life, and you sound miserable.

To start with you could reclaim 'the bed upstairs' and let DH have a turn on the sofa

I agree she should be sleeping upstairs in bed. I think, ideally, they should both be back together in their bed. It is unhealthy for a relationship for one to be on a sofa all the time. I cannot imagine working in bed on a laptop? My neck hurts thinking about it.

This sounds hard. What did you do for work before the baby was born? What did you discuss before having the baby re working? I wonder if you thought this would fit in perfectly? Unfortunately this is why most people who both work end up needing childcare. Its too much to have the children all day and then work in the evening. I think things feel especially difficult because you're not getting a rest. Could you afford nursery for the other two?

You 100% need DH to bathe the school age child at night.

Then if you have to bathe them you only have 2 to do, and can do this AFTER the school run

Sleep train the baby. There's no reason they need feeding that often in the night. Then at least you'll get some physical space.

Cloth nappies is definitely a corner you could cut.

Could you do disposable nappies even for a few days so you get a break from the washing & bathing?

It does seem to me you're making your life a bit harder than it needs to be. Is the reason you use cloth nappies environmental or financial? Also again on why still breastfeeding..

There are defintenly things you can do to make your life easier, the choices you're making are making it tougher.

Hey cloth nappies are not that much hard work. We used them. They are much more advanced from the 1950s. They are also environmentally much better than disposables.
In some places, there are even nappy cleaning services that come round, pick up and wash the dirty ones and drop off clean ones.

I bought a dishwasher to make my life easier. And I can’t explain how much it did!

Cloth nappies & just one Velcro bf baby nearly broke me!

Cloth nappies really aren't much extra work.

BF until 2 is recommended by the NHS and WHO do stop with the judgement on that.

I’m getting a bit perturbed reading so many comments telling op not to breastfeed. It is a personal choice and she deserves support from us in breastfeeding not being told she is wrong to “still” be breastfeeding!

The clingy baby is not caused by breastfeeding. You can solve the clinginess and still breastfeed.

Hey cloth nappies are not that much hard work

Sure, but compared to disposable they are much harder work.

Oh OP!

I was an ardent cloth nappy-er but used disposables at night - one sposie per child per day is negligible in the long run, give yourself a break. Then you can stop the morning bath.

What hours is your DH out of the house? Mine works absurdly long hours but always had 3 jobs from when DD1 was born:

1. Put dishwasher on in the eve 2. Unload it in the morning while making the tea etc and 3. Put a wash on before leaving the house.

Can you put something similar in place?

I also night fed for years so I sympathise... you need to be in your bed, lying down, sleeping on the sofa like that isn't good for you and mentally doesn't give you a break from being 'on duty' - you need to feel like you actually go to bed and get a rest. DH can be in spare room or sofa.

Can the 4yo's nursery take the 2yo for a few hours so you can get some work done in the day - a couple of times a week?

Op you can sleep train and continue to breastfeeding. Don't give up until you and your child are ready.

Breastfeed babies are like limpets but they will go down and stop being picked up and soothed with other things, if you train them.

I wouldn't give up breastfeeding unless I wanted to. You can try a dummy so she learns to sooth herself without breastfeeding or just get tough and don't give in, if you know she is fed.

Clothing nappies are hard but if they mean alot to you, then getting childcare may be the better solution.
as it sounds knackering.

Bloody hell, that sounds exhausting. 3 under 5 and a work in the evening? Plus all household responsibilities?
Your DH really needs to do more.