Or is this set-up unsustainable and shit?

[AnnaHorribilis]

I’m having yet another thoroughly miserable day (it’s becoming an almost daily occurrence now) and I’d just like a reality check — is this a totally crap and unsustainable situation or am I just in need of a grip? Wondering if this could be PND, even?

DH and I have 3 young children: 4, 2 and 9 months.

My husband works full-time; I am a SAHM by day but WFH (web-related) in the evenings. I earn roughly half what he does, if that’s relevant.

The 4yo goes to a local preschool for her 15 funded hours a week. The younger two are with me full-time. The 9mo is still breastfed and will not be put down for more than 5 mins, and will only sleep on me, day and night.

So, after the older two go to bed, I feed the baby with my laptop balanced on my knees behind her, and work like that from about 8-12. She’s ill and teething at the moment so not settling at all, but I have to just keep swapping sides and carry on because she won’t settle otherwise and I have deadlines to meet.

When I’m too tired to work any more, I close the laptop, slide down a bit on the sofa and sleep half sitting all night, with constant wake-ups from the baby.

DH sleeps in the bed upstairs, usually also working late, and if the older two wake up early or in the middle of the night, they go in with him.

I do all the housework, shopping, and any “life admin” (sorry, I know MN hates that term but think birthday/Xmas cards and presents, bills, insurance, tax, appointments, everything). After previous outbursts about this (from me), DH now does most of the washing up in the morning before he goes to work, leaving the dirtiest pans etc. as he washes cleanest-dirtiest and they won’t all fit on the drying rack 🙄

So my day is basically: get up with the baby; get all three children bathed and dressed; put wash on; make breakfast for everyone; walk eldest to school for 9; come back and look after two or three preschoolers all day as well as any chores that need doing; make dinner for 6 so we can all eat together when DH gets in; bedtime routine; work with fussy baby on top of me; sleep/not sleep sitting up all night; repeat.

Is this normal/expected when kids are this age? I just feel like there’s absolutely NO fun or downtime in my life at the moment.

I’m also not enjoying my children at all. I’m knackered and bad-tempered almost all the time and it feels like they’re always complaining, bickering, crying, making mess, demanding things, etc. etc. etc. I know they’re not, and they’re actually lovely children who I love to bits, but I’m just so worn down and snowed under with everything I’ve got to do.

I feel like a totally crap parent at the moment. I snap at them and feel awful for it, but my temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter by the day. I feel on-edge, stressed out, angry and tearful a lot of the time.

Sorry that was so long! 😭 Basically AIBU to be feeling this way, does this sound like too much to cope with to you or am I just not resilient enough?

I think realistically you can’t really be working unless baby is not on/with you, imagine how much more efficient you would be at a desk on your own - it would take you half the time!

Can you take more time off until the baby can be put down?

It's not sustainable OP. I did similar but without the 9 month old baby as well!! I worked in the evenings around DH and I was home all day. I had the kids constantly. I did everything at home, shopping etc and DH got lazy. I was permanently exhausted. I worked until 10pm, sat up until midnight because it was the only time I had to myself and then had to get up in the morning to take the kids to school.

As soon as my youngest hit 3, I went back to work full time, working in the day time. DC went to school and childminder. I stopped doing everything at home and now I feel like a human being again.

Put the baby down. She absolutely does not need to sleep on you all night. For one, it's ridiculously unsafe sleeping with a baby on the sofa. If you do need to co sleep you do it safely in a bed.
Feed her and put her in her cot. Shes old enough to sleep train, and whilst you're working DH can go in and resettle, then you take it in turns each night, with you doing one feed if needs be, to be phased out by 12mo.
The deal is if you're working, you're not there, just like he is in the day.
Once you're sleeping the days will become easier. Get out of the house as much as possible, find cheap/free things to do locally and cram as much as you can in every day. Split the time at home in to sections with activities, tv time, food, clear up ect.

You’ve got to start putting your basic needs (ie sleep!) first op. You must be absolutely on your knees with exhaustion. In your shoes I would stop breastfeeding and start sleep training. Then you need to work out a way you can work during the day, not the night.

You need childcare while you work - so either put the children in nursery during the day, or you DH looks after them 7pm-11pm while you work.

Up to you about breastfeeding, but definitely night wean and get the baby in a cot - your DH needs to deal with all night waking during your work hours and you can share the nights.

If you're earning over £120 a week then your 4 year old can do 30 hours at nursery.

I used cloth nappies but used a disposable overnight - please give yourself a break and try that, then you can do an evening bath story bed routine which will help with the whole sleep training.

I looked back through the thread but couldn’t find a book mentioned by Hilda Snibbs - what was it?

I think having kids is very monotonous and boring at times and bloody hard work. Women are bombarded with false ideals of motherhood through social media. Hang on in there OP, it does get easier. You just stress and worry about different things the older they get.

Sleep train the baby.

You're so tired you can't see the wood for the trees, you poor thing, but you're doing a phenomenal job. Too phenomenal.

Book a day off before Xmas, DH can take them all day.

I popped into MN as I’m feeling completely overwhelmed with life, work and DC and thinking it’s unsustainable....yours, OP, is very, very definitely unsustainable. How on Earth??!!! YDNBU to find it tough/unsustainable/shit. The overwhelming consensus that your situation is untenable should give you some mild comfort that it’s not you it’s the situation!

Only you can decide what you’re comfortable with deprioritising or prioritising (whether that be nursery hours, childcare, dispo nappies or doing nothing etc) but have a strong head wobbling think about it (remember mummy guilt is a unrelenting b**tch!) and give yourself the space to know that you’re a good mother/wife/person in your own right, but that you’re doing the best you can - your kids are fine and that good enough is actually OK.

Possibly just having MN saying a collective ‘blimey!’ Is enough to give you the boost you need to carry on for a bit. But I would say chronic stress is a blumming great big bugger for tipping you into depression/anxiety/PND and you want to be there for everybody but you need to take care of yourself otherwise you risk the whole pack of cards tumbling down. So re-establishing a healthy life for you isn’t selfish it’s imperative to your family’s life too!!

Xx

I feel for you OP. Why dont you forumla feed the baby? 9 months is a good length of time and should help the baby sleep longer at night. You also need to sleep train her, and your husband needs to step up which might be more feasible when your not breast feeding.

If you care about the environment then stop giving the children BATHS every morning, instead wash their stinky bits with a cloth.

When I brought my baby from the hospital as a newborn, I breastfed him that night, in the dark, waited until he was fast asleep and then laid him down in his cot and went to bed. I remember my heart racing in terror expecting him to scream but he continued to sleep for a few hours. I then fed him again, in the dark and returned him to his cot. (This is easy to do when they wear disposables) Start out as you mean to go on.

BTW, he slept on his side with his back supported with special bedding so he didn't roll on to his back and choke on spit-up. This was recommended back then and they did this at the hospital. Every time I fed him I lay him back in his cot on his other side. I know now it's recommended they lie on their backs. With my first baby it was recommended they lie on their tummies.

I used cloth nappies for my first baby (45 yrs ago) and you have to change them throughout the night as their skin gets wet. Changing them wakes them up fully. Not good. When I used disposables with my second I was amazed at how dry he was in the morning. So dry in fact there was dry baby powder on his skin still!

I hope you get it all sorted so you can enjoy your children.

Some great advice here AnnaHorribilis.
Night time disposable nappies.
Expressed milk/cooled water/formula so DH can hold baby and give you a break.
You and baby in the bed.
DH evening bathing/disposable nappy/story routine like dads can do.
DH can give calpol to teething baby and rock, walk, jiggle, stroke, like a parent.
Dinner for 6 when DH gets in? I really, really hope he is wielding the weaning spoon/cold teething ring/sippy cup
Best wishes for a few hours sleep for you.

Good luck to you whatever you choose to do, it's bloody hard work.

My dd was super glued to my for a few years due to breastfeeding. I got a cloth sling and my dh carried her in it in the evening. So I got a break, ate dinner and had a bath not very often. The sling helped to break the cycle of continuous feeding because she could smell milk on me. So if my dh carried her then she could settle without wanting another feed. Can you try this?

Is your work specific to the evening or can you do it any time? If you can do it another time, can you put the older kids into nursery so you can work?

In the short term, perhaps just use a disposable nappy for night times? Then DH could bathe the kids in the evening whilst you get some work in and cut down on the morning pressure. He can wash up in the evening too, drying up as he goes so the pots are clean too.

Once that becomes routine after a week or so, try sleep training the youngest. The baby can have an evening feed and then be put down. It'll be hard as anything for a week or two but be well worth it.

I really feel for you. Through tiredness and relentlessness you can't see the wood for the trees 💐

Get a slow cooker, shove in ingredients for a bolognese/casserole/curry/stew and whack it on low in the morning. Dinner ready for 6pm, dh just has to make rice/mash/pasta to accompany.

Oh and you don't need to stop BF! Just put some boundaries in place about it. My DS2 only fed before bed and first thing in the morning once he was on solids. We've only just stopped and he's 25 months.

The who recommendations post six months are for women in third world counties. Past that they say the only benefit is comfort and possible weight loss for the mum.

Seriously bonkers to bring it up on a thread where the op has access to viable healthy alternates. She's not living in Syria ffs.

Can your 2 year old go to the same preschool as the 4 yo? One drop off and usually cheaper than a nursery.

@Bunnylady53 Hilda Snibbs is from Three Little Monkeys - Quentin Blake 😀

As you are working too, do you earn enough to claim the 30 Hours funding?

Your time on mat leave is worse than mine was with twins. And worse than when they were two year old poo with holders and I had a newborn.

I know that doesn’t help, but this is completely unsustainable for you. No wonder you’re so unhappy.

It’s ok to put yourself and your own well being at the top of the pile. It would be even better if your husband did that and offered to take the baby and give you a break but clearly he’s not going to do that. If he is doing that but you decline because it’s ‘easier’ (in that the baby doesn’t cry as much) then STOP. He needs to be able to settle his own baby and look after you both.

Wow OP, I don’t know how you’ve managed for this long, you’re a trooper! Your husband needs to do more in the evenings with the children, definitely

PS In case it's not been mentioned yet, OP please remember the oxygen mask analogy: put your own oxygen mask on first. Otherwise your ability to help others is impaired. Three children under 5 will inevitably be difficult. But you've got to carve out some space to breath, even just to do your work effectively, sleep comfortably. You need some self-care OP (sorry I know it's a bit of a naff term, but you know what I mean).

Get a cleaner, get ready meals delivered. Stop giving the children a bath every morning. The 9 year old should be developing some organisational skills by now.