Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was just screamed at... But maybe I need to accept it?

239 replies

Sophia878 · 25/11/2019 13:42

Hi all
Complicated one I guess. Partner has just screamed at me for about 10 mins. Whilst 6 month old is in her high chair. Tensions are fraught as his dad is terminally ill. He has had to leave work in tears today and is going to visit them 3 hours away as his dad has taken a turn for the worse.
I've been as supportive as I can be, haven't asked for anything and just been there for him. I've done all the caring for our daughter and have been making sure he had what he needs. I've offered to go with him but he says no.
Last night he was really snappy with me, obviously I just accepted it, he's going through hell. I took baby to bed to give him space and he spent the evening slamming doors and generally making me aware he's annoyed. (he snapped because I turned the channel when he was watching something even though he was watching videos on his phone and laughing).
I had plans today but he needed collecting from the train station, I went no problem and then he snapped at me again whilst we were discussing his dad. (I don't understand the situation enough and the suggestions I was making weren't good ones).
We've come home and I've taken daughter for a nap. I've stayed with her so she can sleep a little longer.
His snapping at me is a bone of contention in our relationship, he does it frequently and when I get upset he accuses me of playing the victim and that 'he's always in the wrong'. If I ever do anything I apologise but he seems to forget that and I apparantly act like I'm always in the right.
So I came downstairs after her nap and didn't say anything. He then followed me upstairs and put his arms out for a hug. I said 'look I don't want a hug right now I think we just need a little space from one another' he then screams 'well my mum has just told me my dad's been admitted to hospital and has swelling on the brain! So thanks!'
I said 'hang on I would have given you a hug if I'd known that!' then he continues screaming. Then, and this is where I know I'm in the wrong, I've said 'that was quite manipulative, why didn't you tell me that when I just downstairs?'. This really set him off and he screamed so loudly for about 10mins right by me.
I told him that I was as supportive as I could be but that everyone had a limit to how they are treated. Thing is, I've let so so so much' slide', Ive taken plenty on the chin as I know how devastated he is with his dad (he's been unwell for 3 years). I've tried so hard.
Did I deserve that? I don't even know. He's left now and I'm not sure when he's coming back from his parents. I won't message him as clearly that's not what he wants. I don't know if I've been totally unsupportive and should just accept the way I'm treated? Sorry if this is disjointed, just getting my thoughts down.

OP posts:
Motoko · 25/11/2019 22:08

It's good you're going to your parents. Do read that book while you're there, you will recognise his behaviours.

Vanhi · 25/11/2019 22:11

I said 'hang on I would have given you a hug if I'd known that!' then he continues screaming. Then, and this is where I know I'm in the wrong, I've said 'that was quite manipulative, why didn't you tell me that when I just downstairs?'. This really set him off and he screamed so loudly for about 10mins right by me.

I agree with PP - you were in the right there. He is manipulative. My dad is terminally ill. I have several other extremely stressful things going on in my life. I don't scream at my DP - I hug him and hold him tight because most of the time he's the only damn thing in my life that makes sense. Your DP is not just manipulative - he's using his dad's terminal illness to manipulate you. You don't get much lower than that.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 25/11/2019 22:18

Having a dying father isn't a 'get out of jail free card' to abuse you....

Original poster
Sophia878 · 25/11/2019 22:39

Thank you.
His mum had text him about the swelling on the brain while I was in bed with my daughter (who was napping). He had a chance to tell me when I come downstairs with her.
I feel I've had my eyes opened, I really appreciate the input
Sorry to hear those of you who have or are going through difficulties x

OP posts:
BestOption · 25/11/2019 23:07

Try to get some sleep.

I’m glad you’ve had your eyes opened.

He’s a gaslighting manipulative twat who currently uses his ill father to be an even bigger twat than usual.

You & DD deserve much more than this...

Beveren · 25/11/2019 23:56

then he gets all self depricating and says 'oh Yeh I'm a bastard and a prick etc.' which then just makes me feel bad

Don't. Respond to that sort of tactic with "So what are you going to do to stop being a bastard and a prick?"

CharityDingle · 26/11/2019 00:17

Please, once you get to your parents house, stay there. Nobody has a right to treat anyone the way that he has been treating you. Let him scream into thin air from now on.

Lowbrow · 26/11/2019 00:36

I am pleased you are standing up for yourself.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/11/2019 00:47

Giving inches and taking a billion light years I don’t know about miles comes to mind here.
Of course it’s heart breaking about his dad and You’d have to have a swinging brick not to feel sorry. However we do all have our demons and battles. That doesn’t give anyone free range to be abusive. Therefore no you don’t deserve it.

TheLittleBrownFox · 26/11/2019 00:53

Fucking hell.

Memoriesmemories · 26/11/2019 00:59

Sorry to hear his dad is so poorly and of course this must be extremely difficult and stressful to deal with but he has no excuse to treat you like this! You're doing your best to be supportive and raise your daughter and do not deserve to be snapped at or screamed at!

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 26/11/2019 01:07

No way.
My mum died in August and I live the other side of the world to her.
I never once shouted at my DH or my DC.
There's no excuse for his behaviour.

timeisnotaline · 26/11/2019 01:33

I’m glad you are finally seeing this op. No one should have to put up with this. I’d tell him I’ve tried to support you but I won’t be snapped at all the time, I won’t be screamed at and I will not have our daughter see this. There are no excuses for this behaviour.

MsPavlichenko · 26/11/2019 01:35

It's abuse. It often ramps up during pregnancy or after childbirth. He won't change unless he accepts this and seeks help himself. ( he won't). It will get worse and given what you have said sooner rather than later.

Do this. All women should.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Coyoacan · 26/11/2019 01:48

You sound sensible, OP. I hope you get away and stay away

Creepster · 26/11/2019 02:12

Thank you for your responses. I have read them all. I just feel like I don't know what I'm meant to do? I've been with him for 5 years and his snappyness is definitely something that we argue about a lot. When I get upset he accuses me of 'playing the victim' and then just rants at how he is always a prick etc etc. I've told him once before how it feels like gaslighting and quite emotionally abusive. Just now before he left he said 'Yeh and I'm emotionally abusive too.. And now manipulative'..

This tactic is called DARVO. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

You can see from what he says when you argue that he knows he is abusive and he believes himself to be entitled to treat you this way.

The one where he called you to apologize and then hung up on you for not saying what he wanted to hear is blatant emotional abuse.
You have been walking on eggshells for so long the abuse seems normal. It is not.

I am so sorry he is doing that to you.

Creepster · 26/11/2019 02:19

For those who do not recognize it the apology for verbal abuse phone call that turns into another opportunity to verbally abuse the target is a well worn extremely common abuser tactic.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 26/11/2019 06:42

Op I suspect you are collapsing his dad dying and his frankly abusive behaviour

My dad died , I Managed to get through it without screaming at people

I know it’s really hard as the dying thing distorts thing but you have done NOTHING wrong

Start to keep a
Diary and log all screaming incidents
And start to make escape plans Flowers

SureTry · 26/11/2019 07:12

My dad died while I was pregnant and coming off medication for anxiety and depression. At no point did I scream and shout at those around me, if anything I tried to protect them from grief by keeping myself together plus I had my unborn baby to think about. He can control this but he chooses not to, I wouldn't be concerning myself with what type of counselling he needs. Your concern needs to be about you and your daughter.

TheSerenDipitY · 26/11/2019 08:30

do you know if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water it will immediately jump out, but if you put in in a pot of cold water and turn on the heat it will stay and slowly cook??
right now you are the frog in the cold water, he is slowly turning up the heat and you are slowly being trained to accept that abuse... dont wait till he starts beating the fuck out of you jump out that pot now

Motoko · 26/11/2019 10:16

Therapy doesn't change abusers, it just gives them more justification to ramp up the abuse. The book linked to earlier, explains why.

billy1966 · 26/11/2019 10:33

OP, you sound lovely.

He is a vile nasty bully.

I don't mean to be harsh BUT, you are at a crossroads in your life.

Your poor baby witnessing his prolonged screaming at you.

I couldn't care less about his father dying.
Whatever.
He is an abusive bully.

Pack as much as you can. Take as much as your car can hold.
Ask your parents to fill their car too.

Including paperwork.

He is, who he is.

Tell your parents everything.

You have been living with an abusive bully.

You have to think of the life you want for your child.

Please realise this is not about his father, you, stress he's under.

He is a nasty bully and there will always be an excuse.

Get away while he is away.

Make the decision to no longer be his emotional punching bag.

💐

UpfieldHatesWomen · 26/11/2019 11:17

I frequently call him out on the way he is. But I always get called 'a victim' and then he gets all self depricating and says 'oh Yeh I'm a bastard and a prick etc.' which then just makes me feel bad.

OP, this sounds just like my ex, in so many ways. I finally left him when he got violent with me. It's exactly the same kind of techniques these abusive men use, his father has got absolutely nothing to do with it, that situation doesn't turn a non-abusive man into an abuser. I'll guess that when you are going through a hard time in some way that he isn't in the least supportive of you as you are to him. He's gaslighting you and using you as an emotional punchbag. I'll second the recommendation for 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. PLEASE read this book, I am certain you will recognise the features of abusive men in your partner.
You may be tempted to minimise his behaviours, but in doing so you're just going to drag out a long and painful process, you won't get anything from this and you'll be mad at yourself later how you let him treat you for so long.

Branleuse · 26/11/2019 13:01

How are things today? x

Newtcase · 26/11/2019 14:27

Please leave.

I left my controlling and emotionally abusive husband with 16 month old DS 6 weeks ago. I packed a car with paperwork and our clothes and my parents helped me flee.

It is only when you aren’t there and under his influence that you will realise that it isn’t what a relationship should be. It isn’t normal to walk on eggshells and to have to try so hard.

I am also keeping a diary of events that I can remember and look over to remind myself why I left and if he ever tries to convince me (in his current guise as bereft but loving husband and father Hmm) that it wasn’t that bad. It might also help you if you ever have to go down a legal route to have things written down.

Flowers