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Original poster

Was just screamed at... But maybe I need to accept it?

239 replies

Sophia878 · 25/11/2019 13:42

Hi all
Complicated one I guess. Partner has just screamed at me for about 10 mins. Whilst 6 month old is in her high chair. Tensions are fraught as his dad is terminally ill. He has had to leave work in tears today and is going to visit them 3 hours away as his dad has taken a turn for the worse.
I've been as supportive as I can be, haven't asked for anything and just been there for him. I've done all the caring for our daughter and have been making sure he had what he needs. I've offered to go with him but he says no.
Last night he was really snappy with me, obviously I just accepted it, he's going through hell. I took baby to bed to give him space and he spent the evening slamming doors and generally making me aware he's annoyed. (he snapped because I turned the channel when he was watching something even though he was watching videos on his phone and laughing).
I had plans today but he needed collecting from the train station, I went no problem and then he snapped at me again whilst we were discussing his dad. (I don't understand the situation enough and the suggestions I was making weren't good ones).
We've come home and I've taken daughter for a nap. I've stayed with her so she can sleep a little longer.
His snapping at me is a bone of contention in our relationship, he does it frequently and when I get upset he accuses me of playing the victim and that 'he's always in the wrong'. If I ever do anything I apologise but he seems to forget that and I apparantly act like I'm always in the right.
So I came downstairs after her nap and didn't say anything. He then followed me upstairs and put his arms out for a hug. I said 'look I don't want a hug right now I think we just need a little space from one another' he then screams 'well my mum has just told me my dad's been admitted to hospital and has swelling on the brain! So thanks!'
I said 'hang on I would have given you a hug if I'd known that!' then he continues screaming. Then, and this is where I know I'm in the wrong, I've said 'that was quite manipulative, why didn't you tell me that when I just downstairs?'. This really set him off and he screamed so loudly for about 10mins right by me.
I told him that I was as supportive as I could be but that everyone had a limit to how they are treated. Thing is, I've let so so so much' slide', Ive taken plenty on the chin as I know how devastated he is with his dad (he's been unwell for 3 years). I've tried so hard.
Did I deserve that? I don't even know. He's left now and I'm not sure when he's coming back from his parents. I won't message him as clearly that's not what he wants. I don't know if I've been totally unsupportive and should just accept the way I'm treated? Sorry if this is disjointed, just getting my thoughts down.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 25/11/2019 18:05

I lost both my parents within 18 months. I did not at any time scream and rant and rave at DH.

Your DH's father may be dying but it does not give him a licence to scream at you or mistreat you in any other way.

Your DH is an abusive arsehole.

Alicenwonderland · 25/11/2019 18:09

You know he's abusive, you've called him out on it to his face. He's text book gaslighting you and he sounds exactly like my abusive ex. My ex is a victim narcissist, look it up and you'll find it familiar. It's never his fault, you're the bad one winding him up, not being sensitive to all the hard things going on in his life! My ex would say people would feel sorry for him and think it justifiable that he screamed at me and my children because we were so awful and deserved it. It was like he had two sides, the lovely, caring side and the abusive nasty side. I now know the kind side was an act to keep me with him. Over 8 years it escalated and got worse. It's so gradual and erodes your self confidence and esteem over a long period of time. You can call women's aid at anytime just to talk and discuss things with them. They will offer you any support you need. Big hugs OP 💐💐

messolini9 · 25/11/2019 18:10

That’s what I mean by silent treatment. You do not talk to him or text him or show any affection until he apologises first for any argument you two may have.

Fuck off @PlanDeRaccordement, you are damn near gaslighting the OP yourself now. OP didn't "have an argument", she was screamed at for no reason - not incidentally terrifying to her 6 month old DD.

Neither did she give any silent treatment, She responded courteously.
Do you seriously believe that it ok to manipulate, control, & scare so badly the OP was still shaking while posting updates here, & then expect "affection" for mouthing the insincere "I'm sorry" mantra?

As for "until he apologises first" ... breathtaking. The OP, if you recall, had nothing to apologise FOR. Are you seriously expecting her to apologise for the fact of being on the wrong end of emotional abuse?

Perunatop · 25/11/2019 18:12

Your DP sounds very stressed and obviously isn't coping well. Perhaps suggest he visits GP and considers ADs or anti anxiety medication to help him through a difficult period. In my (limited) experience it does help reduce the sort of overreactions you describe. Probably worth trying before ending the relationship.

London91 · 25/11/2019 18:18

The fact that his dad is no excuse for him to lose his temper and snap at you like that. Snapping at you once as a one off wouldn't have been okay, but you'd understand under the circumstances. Is he usually like this OP?

Tooner · 25/11/2019 18:20

He's a manipulative abuser and he's callously using his dads illness to abuse you even more. He won't change OP. I would be leaving right now before he totally destroys your life and self esteem.

Span1elsRock · 25/11/2019 18:21

It makes me really sad to read threads like this.

No child deserves to be brought up in a home where someone screams like that and to feel scared.

You have a choice about where and how you live - your child doesn't.

Hepsibar · 25/11/2019 18:23

When I first read this, I misread it thinking it said he was terminally ill not his father ... ... so glad read thru twice.

There is no excuse for him being like this. I suggest you leave him in his cave and not bother to engage in conversation. You may want to send a text if he cannot communicate verbally at this time. In such a text you might say you are there to listen if he needs it, and you and your daughter love him and you are sending a text because everything gets so fraught and misunderstood face to face.

I know we all behave differently, but I was not like this when my lovely father died and nor have friends been ... of course we were up and down emotionally ... so hopefully this is not an inbuilt trait but a temp thing. If it isnt a temp thing then you need to think about whether this is someone you can inflict on yourself and daughter.

MitziK · 25/11/2019 18:24

Horrible, abusive people you would be safer leaving also have unpleasant and sad things happen to them. The difference between them and a normal, nice person under stress and pain is that with a horrible, abusive person, they use it as a weapon to continue and justify their abuse.

I lost any ability to be tactful and diplomatic with DP or let things that had always irritated me when he was being a bit rubbish/lazy/thoughtless/taking me for granted when my DB was killed. Even with this lack of sugarcoating, I would never have screamed at him - so 'Could you bring your plates and mugs down from the spare room, please, as there aren't any left in the cupboard and I'd like a cup of tea' turned into a terse 'I can't make a cup of tea because the kitchen is in a mess every time I walk in there and I have to clean for 45 minutes just to be able to get the kettle under the tap, never mind crawl around under the furniture to try to find where you've abandoned mugs to quietly acquire sentience. You're taking the piss now.'

What yours is doing is abusive. Doesn't matter whether his Dad is alive or dead, he is still being abusive. And he will, when the poor man eventually dies, use that as an excuse for abusing you (and probably your baby) for the next few years/decades, too.

LTB.

friedbeansandcheese · 25/11/2019 18:25

The line went dead. I rung him back and said 'did you just hang up on me?' he said 'yes because that's all you have to say. You didn't say you love me back or anything'. He does this after every apology. If i don't instantly forgive him he gets annoyed. That's not normal is it?

No, it's not. It's another sign he's abusive. if you don't instantly fall in with his ideas and forgive him, he gets angry again??

OP, you sound lovely and sensible and self-aware. You deserve much, much better. And so does your dd.

friedbeansandcheese · 25/11/2019 18:29

He should not snap and scream at you. But, you have a habit of giving him the silent treatment and being cold. Both are just as harmful. May I suggest counselling for you? The stress of the situation is bringing out the worst in him and not the best in you. Couples counselling. I meant you as in both of you. He probably needs grief counselling for just him too.

@PlanDeRaccordement, that is the worst advice ever. Don't do couples counselling with an abusive partner!! Didn't you read the bit whete OP says he's been like this their whole relationship? He's using his dad's ilness as an excuse.

And OP is not giving him the silent treatment at all! Sounds like she has been more than fair. Stop victim blaming.

Motoko · 25/11/2019 18:39

No need to buy the book Why Does He Do That? that a pp posted the link to, you can click here for the free pdf version.

Please read it.

Branleuse · 25/11/2019 18:39

I think you need to leave OP. I think he is going to take everything out on you, and you dont deserve it. Your daughter must have been terrified. You must have been scared too to still be shaking for so long after.
There is no excuse for it, and it sounds like its his general way, and he doesnt even seem to be particularly apologetic either.

It is tragic that his dad is so ill. Of course thats hard to deal with, but he could ask for support and love from you. Instead hes abusing you

MisfitNinja · 25/11/2019 18:49

The situation with his dad sounds awful and I understand he must be on edge BUT you do NOT deserve to be used as an emotional punch bag!

TildaKauskumholm · 25/11/2019 18:50

But you say he's like this anyway, not just because of his dad? Might be excusable if it's a one off due to stress and worry, but it's not. Who knows how this behaviour might escalate if you stay with him?

blueluce85 · 25/11/2019 19:03

My ex called me some downright nasty names with a vicious look on his face, all while our DD slept near by.... That was the end of that!!
I definitely don't want her growing up thinking that it is ok to be spoken to like that.

Your H (can't really say DH) is a knob and needs a good hard look at himself. Maybe he should ask himself what he would do if you DD came home saying her BF had screamed in her face time and time again.....

Original poster
Sophia878 · 25/11/2019 19:50

Thank you and thanks for the book suggestion and link. It's really appreciated.
He is already on anti anxiety medication but I think he needs counselling for his mood swings and also his controlling nature. His dad is a control freak too (my partner always refers to it) and my partner has learnt a lot of the behaviours from him I think.
The health visitor is coming to do my daughters 6month review in the morning and then I'm going down my parents for a while. They have plenty of room and I usually stay once a week anyway.
I have a lot of thinking to do.
Thanks so much for taking the time out of your day to comment, I can't tell you what it's meant to me and its given me so much strength x

OP posts:
CharityDingle · 25/11/2019 19:52

As has been said, he doesn't scream at his boss, colleagues or anyone else. He has a sold no right to treat you like this. Please please ignore the comment from one poster about you 'giving him silent treatment '. Bullshit of the highest order. Please get out ASAP.

CharityDingle · 25/11/2019 19:53

Apologies for typos. Should read 'he has no right to treat you like this'.

Span1elsRock · 25/11/2019 19:57

You're very naive OP if you think that counselling will sort out his mood swings and controlling.

When someone shows you who they really are - believe them.

StillWeRise · 25/11/2019 20:02

OP, hopefully all these responses are backing up your suspicions that this behaviour is very much not OK. If you can find a Freedom Programme to go to, I really recommend it, you will be able to spot and understand his behaviours more easily, and have a clearer head to work out what's best for you and your baby.

Awaywiththepiskies · 25/11/2019 20:36

He sounds emotionally manipulative.

He needs some grief counselling as he sees not to know how to deal with strong feelings.

You've done nothing wrong.

Charley50 · 25/11/2019 21:31

OP, don't fall into the trap of thinking you can rescue him; people like him will always blame others for their shitty behaviour.

It's really good you are going to your mum's. You need to really think about the long-term impact it will have on you and your DD if you stay with him. He won't change so it's up to you to make a change.

CSIblonde · 25/11/2019 21:39

It's unacceptable to scream at you, but as you say, snapping is his default so anything stressful will set that default off. There also seems a lack of communication, why hadn't he said about the swelling on the brain, were you not speaking or did he just not bother? If he doesn't communicate he's setting you up to fail. I'd wait for the illness situation to be over, then when you're both relaxed & no child around, to calmly discuss that you'd like to communicate better for both your sakes & also suggest Counselling.

messolini9 · 25/11/2019 22:03

why hadn't he said about the swelling on the brain, were you not speaking or did he just not bother?

Because he was setting a trap for OP.
He deliberately withheld the info until she has responded non-committally to his opening salvo, so he could hit her with it, doing a guilt-trip & blame-laying double whammy to exonerate himself from his own twattery.