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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I BU or blowing this out of proportion?

170 replies

MrsGarland · 24/11/2019 23:54

Full disclosure, DH is nice to the point of being a pushover and SIL is, in my opinion, controlling and bossy.

We live in the same area as PILs, who are in poor health. SIL has also moved in the last few years to be closer to her parents. SIL is quite obviously the favourite and takes the piss massively with PILs in all the usual ways. She likes to be the centre of attention and resents any of the other siblings having the spotlight - when you look back at key family events, you can link them to the SIL drama running parallel.

I am on maternity leave with our first child. DH works long shifts where he is on his feet for hours at a time. We live in a property which is charming but rickety, it was long term neglected and we have been doing it up while I've been on maternity leave - workmen etc in and out, having to negotiate taking the bins down a long driveway covered in rubble with a baby in the sling, that sort of thing. Not a big deal really, but I had a difficult recovery from birth, still am not 100%, baby is a shit sleeper and I haven't sat on the sofa eating biscuits nearly as much as I would like.

So on Fridays SIL works for a few hours in the afternoon. She works three afternoons a week. DH also works Fridays, however he works a short shift and is home by 4. SIL works 1-5.

SIL has taken to phoning DH and asking him to go round and put her heating on for her, so her house is nice and toasty when she comes in from work. DH, for a few weeks, did this. At first it didn't really sink in, then one week he had barely set foot through the door and she was on the phone reminding him. Bear in mind I'm alone in the house for much of the week and doing bedtimes as well. He did it another few times, though agreed it was ridiculous. Then two Fridays past, I'd had a shocker of a day. I went out with the baby and came home to find the washing machine leaking, the cat had been sick, the baby pooed everywhere... One of those days. I could have cried. I ran around like a headless chicken, turning on my OWN heating for God's sake, and by the time DH got back I only just had it under control and was desperate for ten minutes peace, just to have a wee and a cuppa. SIL made her usual phonecall as I was regaling DH with my tales of woe, and I'm sorry to say I lost it, told DH that SIL was bone fucking idle and that he was a mug who needed to think about his own wife and baby, who had come back to a soaking freezing house while his sister stepped into her door in comfort. I have never felt rage like it, I could have killed both of them.

So DH went very quiet, but he did agree with me and he told SIL that no, he didn't have the time. SIL just went "OK fine" but the next Friday (this past one) MIL phoned and asked DH if he could nip round and put SILS heating on as she wasn't feeling well and had Sils children and it would save her loading them in the car etc. MIL has chronic fatigue but dances to SILs tune to, imo, the detriment of her own health. DH nearly fell for it, but he saw my face and told MIL that he was busy with his own family and it wouldn't kill SIL to put on her own heating and be cold for half an hour.

SIL is now in a massive huff with us (pointed Facebook vaguebooking, being off with DH when he dropped in to PILs today) and now I'm second guessing myself. On one hand, I still think she's a spoilt cow, on the other hand I think, it's only 20 minutes out of DH's day and it's doing a family member a favour? I don't know if it's hormones, but then I think of how much I've struggled at times with the baby and the house, and how DH's family have been nowhere to be seen and I want to scream at the.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/11/2019 13:07

OP,
Great that you lost your rag, you probably should have done it sooner.

SIL sounds like a really selfish person.

Great that she is huffy.
Pull so far back from her that she doesn't recognise you.

Continue you on like this and make it abundantly clear to your husband how you expect him to prioritise.

There is absolutely nothing to be gained by seething quietly about this type of thing.

Spell it out to your husband, MIL, SIL, whomever.

Your husband's priority is you, the baby, your house that needs work on it.

💐

HappyDinosaur · 25/11/2019 13:10

She works 1-5? How cold can her house possibly get in that time? Someone needs to grow up and it's not you op!

CharityDingle · 25/11/2019 16:26

You need to start to putting yourself first in all of this. Tune out completely from the likes of Facebook and ignore. Beware of slipping into a martyr role. Now that you have spoken up and made it clear, ensure that message remains consistent. Your husband has to prioritise you and the baby. I bet the 'family' thing is all a one way street, ie in favour of SIL.

iswhois · 25/11/2019 16:29

His whole family need to get a grip it sounds like, especially her. What would she do if she didn't have your DH to sort her heating out? Freeze to death?

Bigbigboots · 25/11/2019 16:37

I don't think he should turn her heating on. I think he should just say 'no, I'm busy'. There is absolutely no need for all the drama or your fury at the request and I don't see how you putting your own bins out is relevant. You all just need to calm down. There is no problem.

Howlovely · 25/11/2019 16:42

She's developed learned helplessness and has perfected this to her family over the years until, like now, they are all dancing to her tune and don't question her increasingly ridiculous behaviour. I think it would help to open everybody's eyes if you were to subtly point out how absurd her requests are. So, if one of them (or even your husband) mentions that she wants him to pop round to switch her heating on just repeat it back to them - she expects husband to go 20 minutes out if his way after work to put her heating on instead of setting the timer? She expects husband to get up at 7:30 Sunday morning to look adger her chold instead of ours? Etc, just help to emphasise that what she's reading is ridiculous

Dishwashersaurous · 25/11/2019 16:53

And definitely definitely buy her a heating timer for Christmas

Raspberrytruffle · 25/11/2019 17:01

Omg your dh is well and truly pussy whipped! Does she also request he comes and wipes her backside for her after having a number 2? No ? That's next. You need to call out people like this OP, show no emotion when she stamps her feet. I'd probably embarrassed her and crack a joke on Facebook something along the lines of what I said abought her needing her bum checked she will embarrassed herself and people will learn what a lazy cow she is getting her brother to do that!

Vanhi · 25/11/2019 17:01

It's not learned helplessness - that's a response to trauma. You could describe it as strategic incompetence - deliberately being crap at something so other people are obliged to do it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/11/2019 17:08

If a normal thermostat timer scares her imagine what a hive thermostat would do to her? She’d have to make tin foil hats for that sort of wizardry.

Spamantha · 25/11/2019 17:34

I haven't seen Frozen but I thought it was fairly normal for princesses to have icey homes?

SanFranBear · 25/11/2019 18:47

This thread has inspired me to finally work out how to use the timer on my boiler.. I normally just get out of a roasty toasty bed to a freezing house and get kids up and then I put the heating on.. never again!

So thank you, MrsGarland Flowers

P.s your SIL is unbelievable!!

MaybeDoctor · 26/11/2019 13:43

Well, it would be a shame if that key got lost and SIL had to reconsider this arrangement....

SoniasTrumpet · 26/11/2019 13:48

Jesus.....she sounds like an absolute tool. Tell her to either put it on timer and if not, do it remotely. We have an app on our phones. She's manipulating you all. If my sister wanted me to drop tools to turn on her heating, I'd tell her to kiss my ass!

SoniasTrumpet · 26/11/2019 13:50

Get her some hot water bottles for Xmas!

Nothingbutquestions · 26/11/2019 13:59

Top tip, unfollow her on FB so her posts can't make you question yourself/feel guilty, she won't know you've done it and you'll have the pleasure of knowing her PA digs aren't finding their mark Smile It's vital that you don't back down now, hold your line with DH and don't let him know you've calmed down, you need his fear of upsetting you to last long enough for new habits to bed in a bit. You losing your rag was the best thing that could've happened here, it's powerful enough (especially when you're usually laid back) to shake your DH into getting his priorities straight, don't back down now or you will only have to do it all over again weeks/months down the line.

fivesecondrule · 26/11/2019 14:03

Posts like this actually scare me that people like your SIL walk amongst us OP.

abitlostandalwayshungry · 26/11/2019 14:19

YANBU

To take 20 mins away from a new mum and new baby is not a small amount actually, especially if it's a regular thing.

Also it feels much more like a power move or showcase of dominance from you SIL rather than a necessity - timers for heatings are pretty basic and to refuse this solution is quite laughable.

Helga55 · 26/11/2019 14:34

She needs a good kick up the twinkle

How festive Grin

LittleMissTeacup · 26/11/2019 23:37

I think it’s a power move to show she can.
Don’t go along with it, you’re doing the right thing.
If SIL or MIL ask you or DH, give an answer that uses the “we” a lot - like “we decided that it wasn’t suitable for our evening routine together” - i think it’s best to show partnership in these situations.

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