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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I BU or blowing this out of proportion?

170 replies

MrsGarland · 24/11/2019 23:54

Full disclosure, DH is nice to the point of being a pushover and SIL is, in my opinion, controlling and bossy.

We live in the same area as PILs, who are in poor health. SIL has also moved in the last few years to be closer to her parents. SIL is quite obviously the favourite and takes the piss massively with PILs in all the usual ways. She likes to be the centre of attention and resents any of the other siblings having the spotlight - when you look back at key family events, you can link them to the SIL drama running parallel.

I am on maternity leave with our first child. DH works long shifts where he is on his feet for hours at a time. We live in a property which is charming but rickety, it was long term neglected and we have been doing it up while I've been on maternity leave - workmen etc in and out, having to negotiate taking the bins down a long driveway covered in rubble with a baby in the sling, that sort of thing. Not a big deal really, but I had a difficult recovery from birth, still am not 100%, baby is a shit sleeper and I haven't sat on the sofa eating biscuits nearly as much as I would like.

So on Fridays SIL works for a few hours in the afternoon. She works three afternoons a week. DH also works Fridays, however he works a short shift and is home by 4. SIL works 1-5.

SIL has taken to phoning DH and asking him to go round and put her heating on for her, so her house is nice and toasty when she comes in from work. DH, for a few weeks, did this. At first it didn't really sink in, then one week he had barely set foot through the door and she was on the phone reminding him. Bear in mind I'm alone in the house for much of the week and doing bedtimes as well. He did it another few times, though agreed it was ridiculous. Then two Fridays past, I'd had a shocker of a day. I went out with the baby and came home to find the washing machine leaking, the cat had been sick, the baby pooed everywhere... One of those days. I could have cried. I ran around like a headless chicken, turning on my OWN heating for God's sake, and by the time DH got back I only just had it under control and was desperate for ten minutes peace, just to have a wee and a cuppa. SIL made her usual phonecall as I was regaling DH with my tales of woe, and I'm sorry to say I lost it, told DH that SIL was bone fucking idle and that he was a mug who needed to think about his own wife and baby, who had come back to a soaking freezing house while his sister stepped into her door in comfort. I have never felt rage like it, I could have killed both of them.

So DH went very quiet, but he did agree with me and he told SIL that no, he didn't have the time. SIL just went "OK fine" but the next Friday (this past one) MIL phoned and asked DH if he could nip round and put SILS heating on as she wasn't feeling well and had Sils children and it would save her loading them in the car etc. MIL has chronic fatigue but dances to SILs tune to, imo, the detriment of her own health. DH nearly fell for it, but he saw my face and told MIL that he was busy with his own family and it wouldn't kill SIL to put on her own heating and be cold for half an hour.

SIL is now in a massive huff with us (pointed Facebook vaguebooking, being off with DH when he dropped in to PILs today) and now I'm second guessing myself. On one hand, I still think she's a spoilt cow, on the other hand I think, it's only 20 minutes out of DH's day and it's doing a family member a favour? I don't know if it's hormones, but then I think of how much I've struggled at times with the baby and the house, and how DH's family have been nowhere to be seen and I want to scream at the.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 25/11/2019 01:57

Next week on one of dhs long shift days you should ask him to call sil and say mrsgarland had a really tough night and is struggling with a cold, would you mind dropping in some shopping so she doesn’t have to go out as I’m on long shift today?

And see what she says... it will be some form of no of course. But it might help your dh see the reality. It would be better if he could ask your mil but not sure I’d ask someone who’s unwell.

BillHadersNewWife · 25/11/2019 02:11

She's a proper cheeky cow. I remember that feeling of FUCKING SAVE ME FROM THIS BABY NOW!!! When I was a SAHM.

YANBU!

Gavlaaaaaaa · 25/11/2019 02:12

@LegArmpits I laughed out loud at that comment. OP, YADNBU!!!

IWantADifferentName · 25/11/2019 02:13

YANBU!

I’d buy her a timer for Christmas. She either doesn’t have one or hers must be broken if she has been calling DH to do it, right?

Gingerkittykat · 25/11/2019 02:17

Get her a smart thermostat or timer for her Christmas, and some assertiveness lessons for MIL so she doesn't end up running round for her either.

SofiaAmes · 25/11/2019 02:24

Yes...as others have said. A Smart thermostat is the only way to go. And while you are at it, get one for yourself. I have mine hooked up to my 60 year old ancient gravity furnace (I'm in the USA...don't know if they even exist in the UK). I did the wiring myself which took under an hour. I can now turn on and off my heat from anywhere in the world. (Handy when I have a little panic that I might have left it on accidentally.)
I got the Emerson Sensi which is way cheaper and far more practical than the Nest. I assume they have something equivalent in the UK (ie cheap practical alternative to Nest)

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 25/11/2019 03:49

Oh gah I'd come.sniff if I could get my fat ass off the bed

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 25/11/2019 03:50

Oh my gosh lol I sent a text and it posted here.
My apologies.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 25/11/2019 03:51

Anyway! OP YANBU!!!
So SIL is a single parent doesnt make her helpless.
I was a single parent after losing DH. 4 kids.
Like you I was extremely independent.
I'm proud you finally put your foot down to DH.
She can take care of her own heat!

AlwaysCheddar · 25/11/2019 05:16

She’s a cf!

EleanorShellstrop100 · 25/11/2019 05:21

You are being SO reasonable and I honestly want to give you an award for not having murdered them both the very first time it happened Flowers

CupoTeap · 25/11/2019 05:27

What does she do in the morning, get one if the kids to go down and put it in?

Hahaha88 · 25/11/2019 06:02

Am I the only person who just turns the heating on manually and waits 15 mins for it to get warm?? I live in the dark ages don't I? Lol

@Shooturlocalmethdealer I need to know what you were going to sniff lol

Minxmumma · 25/11/2019 06:16

YANBU, cheeky mare.

She should use the timer or suck it up and do it when she gets in. She is an adult and needs to behave like a grown up.

A one off I could I understand but every Friday? No!

thistimelastweek · 25/11/2019 06:17

Me too @Hahaha88
So far hypothermia hasn't set in in 30 minutes

Frenchw1fe · 25/11/2019 06:21

Surely sil could set thermostat to 18 just before she leaves for work then the house wouldn't be freezing and she could turn it up a bit when she returns.

GiftedFish · 25/11/2019 06:27

YANBU!
She's a princess. She should get a smart thermostat. If she valued your DH time she'd understand he probably wants to be home with his family.

Hopefloatsaway · 25/11/2019 06:34

I feel you feel you have to justify saying no because you had a crappy day etc. That doesn’t matter. Your dh was just in from work and can say no for that reason alone. He wants to see his family. That’s enough.
Don’t answer the phone at the usual time they call. And tell them once and for all that he will no longer be going round to do this

MzPumpkinPie · 25/11/2019 06:38

YANBU.
I could cry reading your post as I have a particularly nasty and manipulative SIL, who has made our lives a misery.
We've gone NC with her and it's like a weight off of my shoulders.
She's turned 90% of DH's family against him because he finally grew a pair and stood up to her after her 16 year old son bullied my then 11 year old with cerebral palsy in his first 2 weeks of high school so much that he tried to hang himself .
Tell her to put her big girl pants on and unfollow or unfriend her on Facebook so you don't see her toxic BS and tell that CF to invest in a hive device or learn to use the timer.
I'm so sorry she's making your life a misery

GertrudeCB · 25/11/2019 06:41

Well my jaw is on the floor. Mahosive CF and utterly ridiculous that her family are indulging this .

StreetwiseHercules · 25/11/2019 06:42

SIL is an absolute cunt. I just don’t know why people are like this.

Howlovely · 25/11/2019 06:42

She is unbelievable! I wonder if it's more about control though? If she's been spoilt all her life she will probably enjoy having everyone at her beck and call and enjoys playing the helpless damsel in distress. As a mother, she would no doubt know about the desperation you feel some days for your husband to come home to just give you ten minutes' break so by demanding your husband does this for her, or guilting your MIL into it I think shows she enjoys the thought of your husband putting her before you and your baby.
Not only is this pathetic woman an entitled spoilt brat, she is also vindictive and nasty. I'm so glad your husband is starting to realise and put his foot down. Now, off to the sofa with the biscuit barrel with you.

eddielizzard · 25/11/2019 06:47

Wow she is one entitled CF!!

Vanhi · 25/11/2019 06:50

If I asked my brother to do this he'd laugh so hard he'd snort. Then he'd talk me through how to programme a timer in the most patronising way possible. If I was lucky.

Orangesox · 25/11/2019 06:57

What an unbelievably entitled CF! This is nothing to do with the heating, and everything to do with control and being the centre of attention. If you’re anywhere in Yorkshire I’d be more than happy to arrange for a tonne of horse manure to be delivered right up to her front door Grin

YANBU in the slightest! Now get thee to the sofa with the biscuit tin post-haste!