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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I BU or blowing this out of proportion?

170 replies

MrsGarland · 24/11/2019 23:54

Full disclosure, DH is nice to the point of being a pushover and SIL is, in my opinion, controlling and bossy.

We live in the same area as PILs, who are in poor health. SIL has also moved in the last few years to be closer to her parents. SIL is quite obviously the favourite and takes the piss massively with PILs in all the usual ways. She likes to be the centre of attention and resents any of the other siblings having the spotlight - when you look back at key family events, you can link them to the SIL drama running parallel.

I am on maternity leave with our first child. DH works long shifts where he is on his feet for hours at a time. We live in a property which is charming but rickety, it was long term neglected and we have been doing it up while I've been on maternity leave - workmen etc in and out, having to negotiate taking the bins down a long driveway covered in rubble with a baby in the sling, that sort of thing. Not a big deal really, but I had a difficult recovery from birth, still am not 100%, baby is a shit sleeper and I haven't sat on the sofa eating biscuits nearly as much as I would like.

So on Fridays SIL works for a few hours in the afternoon. She works three afternoons a week. DH also works Fridays, however he works a short shift and is home by 4. SIL works 1-5.

SIL has taken to phoning DH and asking him to go round and put her heating on for her, so her house is nice and toasty when she comes in from work. DH, for a few weeks, did this. At first it didn't really sink in, then one week he had barely set foot through the door and she was on the phone reminding him. Bear in mind I'm alone in the house for much of the week and doing bedtimes as well. He did it another few times, though agreed it was ridiculous. Then two Fridays past, I'd had a shocker of a day. I went out with the baby and came home to find the washing machine leaking, the cat had been sick, the baby pooed everywhere... One of those days. I could have cried. I ran around like a headless chicken, turning on my OWN heating for God's sake, and by the time DH got back I only just had it under control and was desperate for ten minutes peace, just to have a wee and a cuppa. SIL made her usual phonecall as I was regaling DH with my tales of woe, and I'm sorry to say I lost it, told DH that SIL was bone fucking idle and that he was a mug who needed to think about his own wife and baby, who had come back to a soaking freezing house while his sister stepped into her door in comfort. I have never felt rage like it, I could have killed both of them.

So DH went very quiet, but he did agree with me and he told SIL that no, he didn't have the time. SIL just went "OK fine" but the next Friday (this past one) MIL phoned and asked DH if he could nip round and put SILS heating on as she wasn't feeling well and had Sils children and it would save her loading them in the car etc. MIL has chronic fatigue but dances to SILs tune to, imo, the detriment of her own health. DH nearly fell for it, but he saw my face and told MIL that he was busy with his own family and it wouldn't kill SIL to put on her own heating and be cold for half an hour.

SIL is now in a massive huff with us (pointed Facebook vaguebooking, being off with DH when he dropped in to PILs today) and now I'm second guessing myself. On one hand, I still think she's a spoilt cow, on the other hand I think, it's only 20 minutes out of DH's day and it's doing a family member a favour? I don't know if it's hormones, but then I think of how much I've struggled at times with the baby and the house, and how DH's family have been nowhere to be seen and I want to scream at the.

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 25/11/2019 08:53

“ all been framed as "family first, we always help The Family, we're such a close family" and it's all big picture frames in living rooms saying "FAMILY", and they're all really invested in appearing close or something? I come from a small family of people who would rather boil their nipples than have a picture frame saying FAMILY in the house”

I absolutely hate all that bullshit. It is entirely controlling and about creating a culture of enmeshment. It’s also so false and cringey.

diddl · 25/11/2019 08:58

I was agog thinking that I was reading about not one, but two households without timers!

What about hot water for you both?

Unbelievable cheeky fuckery!

TowelNumber42 · 25/11/2019 09:00

She is a master at making all of you think about her all the time. I mean here you are agonising over her having a wee huff because her brother said no to her. You are analysing all her little huffy actions. My god she is a master of attention seeking. How about you give her no attention, not even thoughts, not even chats at home about her.

As for DH point out she is clearly playing at owning and controlling him. Is she going to come round and pee on his car next? You have to continue to be way more fearsome than her so he pales at the mere thought of your reaction if he answers that 7.30 call.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 25/11/2019 09:01

I'm just imagining my (beloved and very helpful actually) brother's face if I rang him and asked him to go and put my heating on. He'd probably have me sectioned, to be honest.

Still at least that's Christmas sorted for her eh - I'm sure you'll be able to pick up a cheap nest on Black Friday.

eddielizzard · 25/11/2019 09:02

What stands out to me is that your inlaws are TAKERS. And mostly you're expecting them to OFFER in return. They won't. They're expecting you to ask, like they do. And until you start asking them, they won't offer and they won't step in and help out. You'll continue to feel resentful and used.

You can change this dynamic. You have to start asking. Making your life easier is a good enough reason. And if they refuse, then that gives you the ammunition to refuse too.

They definitely won't be offering though, so you have to give them the opportunities to help you.

FrancisCrawford · 25/11/2019 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatharinaRosalie · 25/11/2019 09:11

Do that. When you know SIL is at home, text her to go put your heating on and casserole in the oven.

Loveislandaddict · 25/11/2019 09:13

I think this is one of the most ridiculous things I have read on Facebook (her, not you), ie. a grown woman expecting expecting her brother to go and put the heating on just so she has a nice warm house. She can either get a timer, or leave the heating on like the rest of us.

It is nice to help family members when in need, but this isn’t a need, but a want/luxury. Your dh’s obligation is to you and your baby, not her. She’ll probably throw a few more tantrums, but stay strong.

If she argues that you hate up your kids, then just reply that you don’t hate them, but I’m sure she understands that when you have a family, they come first, (followed by tinkly laugh), and that’s why you are unable to help her at the moment.

Where’s her dh in all of this?

I’m glad your dh is beginning to stand up for himself, and to see sil for the cf she truely is.

TowelNumber42 · 25/11/2019 09:17

The heating one is utter genius on her part. Everyone has a thermostat or can get one easily. No way she is too much of a moron to be able to sort it out. This is such an obvious power play it is kind of funny that you lot all tugged your forelocks and ran round to perform such an utterly ludicrous task and even after stopping you seem to feel the need to justify why you didn't keep licking her boots. Why is she your queen?

IceCreamFace · 25/11/2019 09:36

I don't have a timer for my heating (really need to get one - how do you do it?) but it would never in my wildest dreams occur to me to ask someone togo out of their way to turn it on for me. Never heard of such a spoilt cow!

nicky7654 · 25/11/2019 09:38

The Princess needs putting in her place lol

FizzyGreenWater · 25/11/2019 09:41

To the PP who said she is doing it as a control thing as proof that she and her children come first, I think you're right,though I've not said anything like that to DH, because, well, how do you?

Easily, and you should. You need to move from being as passive as your DH to taking no shit.

I'd be looking him in the eye and saying 'It's funny how this behaviour has really ramped up since we had children. If I didn't know better I'd be saying that SIL wants to make sure that we all know that she still comes first even though you now have a family of your own. But I'd hate to think that she would be that jealous and possessive, of course.' Fix him with a very direct stare, raise your eyebrows and wait for a response.

messolini9 · 25/11/2019 09:45

@Howlovely's using about control are spot on I reckon:

she enjoys the thought of your husband putting her before you and your baby.

I bet she has tantrummed all her life, to train her parents & brother in precisely how she must always come first.

TowelNumber42 · 25/11/2019 09:45

Every time she tries something, mention the power play. Nickname her. Some variety of Princess MeMeMe. Take the piss out of her and of DH's reaction to her until he twigs how utterly ludicrous it is.

messolini9 · 25/11/2019 09:49

Stop saying timer!! FFS.

Why so bossy & batey, @StreetwiseHercules?

messolini9 · 25/11/2019 09:58

I come from a small family of people who would rather boil their nipples than have a picture frame saying FAMILY in the house, so I suppose it's been a bit overwhelming

Overwhelming ... & bullshit.
Cos it's simply not true, is it?
The only one who gets the "family" treatment is your twat of a SiL.

I hope are ARE able to talk to DH like you have been able to in that update post @MrsGarland. He's unlikely to see it as clearly as you 'cos he's still caught in the FOG of having a dysfunctional bias in his family.
& I know exactly how these "tiny irritants" add up to become massive enragers. The fact that the family can't see it is all part of that rage. Usually, I dislike the advice to 'show DH this thread' as it's often counter-productive or unsafe to the OP, but in your instance, it might help DH see the situation from the outside. Becaue it's not about his sister's inability to deal with her fucking heating system like an adult - it's the constant "me first" CF-ery ...

YANBU!

Gruzinkerbell1 · 25/11/2019 09:59

What a spoilt little princess! CF award to your SIL. And your PILs don’t sound much better.

messolini9 · 25/11/2019 10:00

outofthefog.website/what-it-feels-like

Nomorepies · 25/11/2019 10:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Blondebakingmumma · 25/11/2019 10:09

This “family first” Motto seems to only mean your DH helping others.

Next time SIL phones to ask for a favour say to her

“I’m so glad you called and I’m so glad family help family because I need your help (insert job) for her to do for you”.

She is really cheeky

3luckystars · 25/11/2019 10:15

She is a user. It often comes to light at times like this.
She has probably been doing this, and worse to your husband for years. You are only noticing now because you need your husband and SHE DOESNT CARE.

It's a bit of a shock for you and your husband. Your sil has not changed at all but you both have.

I predict she will have a massive meltdown on the lead up to Christmas. This is what my sister calls 'the sting of the dying wasp'.

Let her throw a tantrum, laugh, do not attempt to argue, LAUGH at her and let her piss off.

Congratulations on your new baby.

Looneytune253 · 25/11/2019 10:18

Get your DH to ask a few equally inconvenient things of her and see how she reacts. 'Oh sis , since u work so close to x shop can u pick me up y on your way home, I'll collect it when I pop in to put on the heating' (do this at least once a week) see if she's willing to help out in return. Maybe she'll realise how ridiculous it is if she's put out of her way too.

Salene · 25/11/2019 10:22

Omg Shock is this a joke.?

Tell her to go and sling her f-ing hook

I'm in shock at the fact someone could request that.

Cheeky mare she is

ActualHornist · 25/11/2019 10:23

Where does she live - the arctic circle? It’s not even really been cold enough for heating in the afternoons Confused

YANBU. I remember a similar but singular event when I was heavily pregnant with twins - DH offered to go and tile a kitchen for someone. Despite the fact put kitchen had sat untiled for weeks Hmm

I was so angry with him. Asked why he was happy to use his free time helping a friend but not the soon-to-be mother of his children.

MaybeDoctor · 25/11/2019 10:28

There is one very simple way to solve all this. Your DH gives his sister back her key. Think about it, why does he have a key in the first place? To be able to help her out with odd jobs, emergencies and problems. Which was perfectly fine when he was a single man with capacity to help, but he is now a married man with children. He can't be going around to collect her delivery/tinker with her boiler or mend her whatever. The time for that has gone. So there is no conceivable reason for him to have her key.

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