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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I BU or blowing this out of proportion?

170 replies

MrsGarland · 24/11/2019 23:54

Full disclosure, DH is nice to the point of being a pushover and SIL is, in my opinion, controlling and bossy.

We live in the same area as PILs, who are in poor health. SIL has also moved in the last few years to be closer to her parents. SIL is quite obviously the favourite and takes the piss massively with PILs in all the usual ways. She likes to be the centre of attention and resents any of the other siblings having the spotlight - when you look back at key family events, you can link them to the SIL drama running parallel.

I am on maternity leave with our first child. DH works long shifts where he is on his feet for hours at a time. We live in a property which is charming but rickety, it was long term neglected and we have been doing it up while I've been on maternity leave - workmen etc in and out, having to negotiate taking the bins down a long driveway covered in rubble with a baby in the sling, that sort of thing. Not a big deal really, but I had a difficult recovery from birth, still am not 100%, baby is a shit sleeper and I haven't sat on the sofa eating biscuits nearly as much as I would like.

So on Fridays SIL works for a few hours in the afternoon. She works three afternoons a week. DH also works Fridays, however he works a short shift and is home by 4. SIL works 1-5.

SIL has taken to phoning DH and asking him to go round and put her heating on for her, so her house is nice and toasty when she comes in from work. DH, for a few weeks, did this. At first it didn't really sink in, then one week he had barely set foot through the door and she was on the phone reminding him. Bear in mind I'm alone in the house for much of the week and doing bedtimes as well. He did it another few times, though agreed it was ridiculous. Then two Fridays past, I'd had a shocker of a day. I went out with the baby and came home to find the washing machine leaking, the cat had been sick, the baby pooed everywhere... One of those days. I could have cried. I ran around like a headless chicken, turning on my OWN heating for God's sake, and by the time DH got back I only just had it under control and was desperate for ten minutes peace, just to have a wee and a cuppa. SIL made her usual phonecall as I was regaling DH with my tales of woe, and I'm sorry to say I lost it, told DH that SIL was bone fucking idle and that he was a mug who needed to think about his own wife and baby, who had come back to a soaking freezing house while his sister stepped into her door in comfort. I have never felt rage like it, I could have killed both of them.

So DH went very quiet, but he did agree with me and he told SIL that no, he didn't have the time. SIL just went "OK fine" but the next Friday (this past one) MIL phoned and asked DH if he could nip round and put SILS heating on as she wasn't feeling well and had Sils children and it would save her loading them in the car etc. MIL has chronic fatigue but dances to SILs tune to, imo, the detriment of her own health. DH nearly fell for it, but he saw my face and told MIL that he was busy with his own family and it wouldn't kill SIL to put on her own heating and be cold for half an hour.

SIL is now in a massive huff with us (pointed Facebook vaguebooking, being off with DH when he dropped in to PILs today) and now I'm second guessing myself. On one hand, I still think she's a spoilt cow, on the other hand I think, it's only 20 minutes out of DH's day and it's doing a family member a favour? I don't know if it's hormones, but then I think of how much I've struggled at times with the baby and the house, and how DH's family have been nowhere to be seen and I want to scream at the.

OP posts:
User342109097569098 · 25/11/2019 07:14

You can get a meter that is controlled by your phone. SIL can turn her own hearing on from anywhere in the world. Suggest this.

Beautiful3 · 25/11/2019 07:24

Yanbu. She is a princess of the highest order!! You cannot let this princess behaviour continue. Suggest a timer or wait like other people do for 20 minutes for it to warm up!!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/11/2019 07:26

😂😂😂 bloody hell. Just no. I presume she’s the golden child. So what if she has genuine issues, your dh doesn’t have to dance to her tune. They are for her to resolve.

PolloDePrimavera · 25/11/2019 07:34

So, in case it wasn't clear, YANBU!! Agreed: get the smart meter for her or at least information! And start asking her for favours: Hi CFSIL, don't worry, DH is going round to put your heating on, could you possibly pick up the Golden Fleece on your way home from work? Thanks so much! You could insert milk/bread/whatever instead of Golden Fleece. Then when she starts to make excuses, which she will, it'll be easier for DH to do the same. I think that might be easier than just telling her to stick it up her #%*€.

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/11/2019 07:34

Yanbu, your dh needs to stand up to her now because when your pil are gone you do not want to be her new pa.

I’m using good kick up the twinkle from now on too.

She sounds like my sil.

CallmeAngelina · 25/11/2019 07:40

This is turning into "Cancel the cheque."
Anyone suggested her setting a timer?

flouncyfanny · 25/11/2019 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shodan · 25/11/2019 07:47

If she doesn't want to use a timer, suggest she do some star jumps or skipping to keep warm while she waits for her heating to come on.

That'll keep her warm AND release some endorphins to sweeten her mood.

ptumbi · 25/11/2019 07:50

Lol - a timer that he can set for certain days (ie Fridays) to come on 30 mins before he gets home. She phones him to request a warming, he says OK and never has to leave his house.

OR - he says FO and she never speaks to him again. Win/Win.

And his mother needs to grow a backbone too. What a fucking princess.

dottiedodah · 25/11/2019 07:50

YANBU at all ! Cant see why she cant set her own timer TBH. What if you lived 100 miles away .what would she do then I wonder ?

StreetwiseHercules · 25/11/2019 07:56

Stop saying timer!! FFS.

Happyandglorious · 25/11/2019 08:02

Yep, YANBU and def let @LegArmpits give her a call

DriftingLeaves · 25/11/2019 08:03

YANBU in the least.

welshladywhois40 · 25/11/2019 08:10

Not defending her but maybe she has ocd or home anxieties - you know the I really think I have left my hair straighteners on but can't remember and have sat panicking all day.

2 Christmas presents for her - hive heating box - she can control her heating by her phone and a web camera at home so she see her home when she wants

Stephminx · 25/11/2019 08:19

Though it pains me to admit it, I’m a bit of a spoiled princess and it wouldn’t even occur to me to ask someone to do this. You are definitely not being unreasonable here.

MzPumpkinPie · 25/11/2019 08:20

Why are people suggesting op buy this CF the smart thermostat or a bloody camera ?
Noooooooooo
Fucking hell that is just enabling the entitled behaviour.
Get DH to give her the info ( I suspect she wouldn't google the information if told to do that ) and tell her to buy her own .
Amazon will have some great Black Friday deals.
Get DH to send the dreadful creature some links !

justilou1 · 25/11/2019 08:20

Why didn’t you ask her to come and clean up cat shit while you dealt with the leaking washing machine and your own kid while your DH was putting her fucking heating on so she could go home to a nice, warm fucking house?

onalongsabbatical · 25/11/2019 08:22

Are YOU being unreasonable? No lovely, not even close. I only read your OP didn't need to read the rest of the thread. I think you and DH have been more than helpful, definitely time to stop no matter what the fallout. Flowers for you.

MrsGarland · 25/11/2019 08:32

Thank you all so, so much. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I've been seething with rage and resentment over it (I know that sounds overdramatic, it's not all the time, but when I think about it) and DH was very much like "ok I won't do it any more, I have told sil and mil it's not happening, all done, nothing to see here" when I've wanted to have a pointed conversation about why the FUCK his sister thinks asking a man, who has just come off a run of long shifts and who has a small baby at home, for anything is OK.

To the PP who said she is doing it as a control thing as proof that she and her children come first, I think you're right,though I've not said anything like that to DH, because, well, how do you? There's been a few other incidents and comments made. Phoning DH at 7.30 on a Sunday morning, a week after he went back to work after paternity leave, asking him to babysit her (extremely energetic) 3 year old while she took the older child to an activity (younger child could have come to, activity is dump and run, she just wanted to go and have a coffee in peace)
I said it was up to DH but I put my foot down and said I couldn't have the child here, as I was still recovering from birth and wanted rest. DH went and looked after him at Sils. Sil did not come back for hours and DH was tearing his hair out, as he got no rest at all before going back to work--so long story short, there have been no more requests to baby sit and DH has said no. But she asked in the first place!? Other comments as well - she has said "ooh you just HATE my kids now that you've got your own, DH, you've no time for them". When I was pregnant and ill with flu, she stormed into our house shouting "I NEED DH" because her computer was playing up and she wanted him to fix it.

DH is the family whipping boy because he's quiet and kind in a family of big, loud characters.. DH has helped every single member of his family move house multiple times over the years. When we moved house (I was pregnant at the time) we ended up driving the van ourselves and nobody offered to help, not one

I also said to DH that I would be phoning SIL and asking her to nip round and turn my oven on and pop in a casserole I had sitting in the fridge, I'm sure she won't mind. He went pale. When MIL was scolding him for his refusal, he did say "Mrs is in and out with the baby all well, who is going to come round and put our heating on?"

Reading this back, it sounds bonkers that we haven't put our foot down sooner, but it's very hard, because it's all been framed as "family first, we always help The Family, we're such a close family" and it's all big picture frames in living rooms saying "FAMILY", and they're all really invested in appearing close or something? I come from a small family of people who would rather boil their nipples than have a picture frame saying FAMILY in the house, so I suppose it's been a bit overwhelming

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 25/11/2019 08:32

Ok read more now. Doesn't want to use the timer? I have a suggestion for the next time she contacts you with any request.
Ask her if she'd like one of you to come over and wipe her arse for her?
Now, get thee to your squishiest chair and EAT BISCUITS! Doctor's order!

FFSFFSFFS · 25/11/2019 08:39

That is INSANE.

You need to get yourself onto the outofthefog website. Theres a whole board for inlaw talks.

It will sound dramatic - but I would also suggest longer term you think about moving far FAR away from this crazy family set up.

I have a crazy family. My sister was once furious at her husband because a fly had landed on her dinner (sitting in front of her). At the end of the day you can't reason with them - you just move very far away from them

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/11/2019 08:42

It’s not family first, it’s sil first.

There will a be a drama now he’s said no.

MoodLighting · 25/11/2019 08:49

Honestly, that story about how nobody would help you move is tragic. Your DH needs to read up about the maintenance of boundaries with tricky family characters. You need to talk about what will happen with your ILs worening health too. It sounds like they all massively take the piss and are tremedously ungrateful.

friedbeansandcheese · 25/11/2019 08:50

Oh bles you, OP. Sounds like you['ve been sucked in to a really unheathy family dynamic and your h sounds scared of his sister.

I'd call both MIL and SIl out on this: 'We feel that we have bent over backwards to help you out on numerous occasions - e.g. when Jimmy moved, when Fred moved, when we did x and y, while none of you have given us any help with anything. E.g when we moved, we did it all, when MrsG was ill with flu nobody offered to help, etc. This has to stop. We will be focusing on our own family now.'

Then at least you've set out your stall. SIL sounds unbelievably selfish and bonkers. Good for you for puting your foot down!

StreetwiseHercules · 25/11/2019 08:51

“ but maybe she has ocd or home anxieties ”

Fuck sake.

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