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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to dh taking one child

255 replies

Pikehau · 24/11/2019 23:00

My DH wants to take the three children away next weekend to see his grandmother who is 90 and has dementia. Children are 2.5,5,7.5.

I initially agreed as I couldn't go due to prior commitments I had in for 2 months. And no I dont want to change. Eg he is not changing a night out in 2 weeks.

Anyway 2.5 year old can get out of Houdini clip and car buckle. And want to climb into front seat.

I stop repeatedly on residential roads on way to nursery and back. Last weekend I took them all to a local party and it was really distracting even driving in a 20 zone and pulling over.

I am now so worried about the 3.5hr trip on motorway with only dh driving and other 2 children in the car.

I said tonight no cant take ds just the other 2. I cant trust ds in the car. Now I am sobbing as DH is giving me the could shoulder clearly annoyed and all I can think of is how by sticking up for the safety of my children I feel like I am in the wrong.

I know I am not. I feel sick at the thought. But maybe I am being unreasonable but I cant get past it.

Dont understand why he cant go in Jan when we have a free weekend and I can sit in back with ds.

I also dont understand why DH just cant talk about things. He just shuts down every conversation like this. I do wonder if one day it will all bubble up. Another issue and off topic. But because of this reaction it took a lot for me to say that to him but I cant trust our son in the car so have to say it. Am I really so unreasonable?

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 24/11/2019 23:06

Has he taken your DS in the car anywhere?

I’d encourage him to take all three kids out next weekend somewhere that requires a short car journey and you stay home. See how he manages the car journey.

I actually do think you’re being unfair and infantilising your DH. You can take your DS out in the car but your refuse to let your DH, the other parent, presumably a fully functioning capable adult.

Howyiz · 24/11/2019 23:06

If you are capable of minding your ds, so is your husband, you know, their FATHER!
YABU

frazzledasarock · 24/11/2019 23:07

Whoops realised the trip is next weekend.l, so he can’t do a test run with the dc.

Still think YABU

Aroundnabout1 · 24/11/2019 23:08

Just to clarify...the 2.5 yr old unclips themselves from the car seat and climbs out? Is this the main reason for not wanting them to go? Are there not
childproof locks?

Greysparkles · 24/11/2019 23:08

I'm not sure if I would schedule seeing a 90yo in Ill health in January...

Shosha1 · 24/11/2019 23:09

Maybe you should change your car seat. I was a CM for over 40 years. Had a few who could get out of straps. Found that the car seats with the bumper in front. I had a mamas and papas pallas not sure if they still do them. Any how even the worst escape couldn't get out if them .

Original poster

Pikehau · 24/11/2019 23:10

I drive 5 mins to nursery not on a motorway for 3 hours.

Of course he takes them swimming to nursery etc and when we went away for half term he was happier with me squashed in the back to make sure ds was in seat and push him back down.

Honestly dh is very welcome to look after them. And capable. But driving at 70 / 80mph not so sure anyone is.

But thanks for the comments. I do take that on board maybe its how he feels.

OP posts:

Louise91417 · 24/11/2019 23:10

You really dont trust your dh to keep ds safe? Thats how its coming over..i no your concerned about ds safety and your heart is in the right place but if i was your husband id find this incredibly patronising..

fartingrainbows · 24/11/2019 23:10

I actually think you should let him make the decision. He's their dad and jointly responsible. Why are you taking this on yourself? Tell him your worries then let him try it out himself and come up with a solution. As it stands he may well be upset because it sounds like you don't trust him and aren't letting him be part of the decision making.

GreenTulips · 24/11/2019 23:10

Do you have reins? Some have clips you can clip to car seats so they can’t escape - with a look

crossandperplexed · 24/11/2019 23:10

Have you tried putting a childproof cover over the buckle? If he is wriggling out if the straps, they are too loose.

AnotherEmma · 24/11/2019 23:12

For the car seat problem, try this
5pointplus.com/

The DH problem is going to be harder to fix

dontlikebeards · 24/11/2019 23:12

You and your dh should be looking at ways to stop dc getting out of their car seat instead of saying they can't go.

Cherrysoup · 24/11/2019 23:12

If you are capable of minding your ds, so is your husband, you know, their FATHER!
YABU

And how do you propose he stops in lane 3 of the motorway when Houdini 2.5yr old wriggles out of the child seat and climbs into the front seat?

Original poster

Pikehau · 24/11/2019 23:13

Yes main reason is that he finds it amusing to unclip.

I have another clip but you cant cover clips / have anything too restrictive. I've tried quite a few solutions.

Yes maybe another seat but cant get in time. Probably should have thought of that before now.

OP posts:

RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 24/11/2019 23:13

If I were your husband I would be fuming.
Put the shoe on the other foot - if your husband decided one day that you weren’t able to do an activity with the children because he said so, so unilaterally just told you no, how would you feel?

FoamingAtTheUterus · 24/11/2019 23:14

You need to get the seatbelt situation sorted........my son has a clip that goes on and a cover that goes over. It's pretty impossible to get off.

Longdistance · 24/11/2019 23:15

Get your older ones to get the 2.5yo to stay strapped in. They’d be able to distract them. iPad, sweets, any food, DVD player, crappy kids magazine, toys.

YABU, that he’s their df, he’ll cope. Leave him to it.

He’ll probably appreciate you more

LolaSmiles · 24/11/2019 23:15

I think you need to sort out a car seat he can't get out of rather than decide he can't go on a family trip with his father.

To be honest, given you both know that he can get out th car seat I'm wondering why on earth he's still being driven around in the same seat when both parents know he isn't safe.

Aroundnabout1 · 24/11/2019 23:15

I think the problem is the car seat situation. It sounds dangerous. You need a safer, more secure car seat. Apart from that i dont see why your dh shouldnt have as much right as you to take them, although why he'd want to is another story. It sounds like he'll on earth!

MotherofTerriers · 24/11/2019 23:16

Can you not tie a scarf over the clip. And take a pair of scissors in case of emergency?

Aroundnabout1 · 24/11/2019 23:16

*hell

Gruzinkerbell1 · 24/11/2019 23:17

I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable. What is your DH supposed to do on the middle of the motorway if your DS starts suddenly trying to climb into the front? They could all be killed while your DH is distracted.

It’s not your DH that you don’t trust, it’s your toddler child. And until you find a car seat to contain him or can go along with them and physically restrain him, it’s just not safe for your family and everyone else on the road at the same time.

crossandperplexed · 24/11/2019 23:17

There are lots of different buckle covers on amazon. Surely one of them would be suitable?

OctoberLovers · 24/11/2019 23:17

Can you get the anti escape clips?

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