To say no to dh taking one child

[Pikehau]

My DH wants to take the three children away next weekend to see his grandmother who is 90 and has dementia. Children are 2.5,5,7.5.

I initially agreed as I couldn't go due to prior commitments I had in for 2 months. And no I dont want to change. Eg he is not changing a night out in 2 weeks.

Anyway 2.5 year old can get out of Houdini clip and car buckle. And want to climb into front seat.

I stop repeatedly on residential roads on way to nursery and back. Last weekend I took them all to a local party and it was really distracting even driving in a 20 zone and pulling over.

I am now so worried about the 3.5hr trip on motorway with only dh driving and other 2 children in the car.

I said tonight no cant take ds just the other 2. I cant trust ds in the car. Now I am sobbing as DH is giving me the could shoulder clearly annoyed and all I can think of is how by sticking up for the safety of my children I feel like I am in the wrong.

I know I am not. I feel sick at the thought. But maybe I am being unreasonable but I cant get past it.

Dont understand why he cant go in Jan when we have a free weekend and I can sit in back with ds.

I also dont understand why DH just cant talk about things. He just shuts down every conversation like this. I do wonder if one day it will all bubble up. Another issue and off topic. But because of this reaction it took a lot for me to say that to him but I cant trust our son in the car so have to say it. Am I really so unreasonable?

If he goes by public transport, your issue is solved.

@Whydomore

Thanks for taking the time to write that.

I can't believe what I am reading here. The OP has what appear to be very valid concerns about the safety of her entire family and she is getting a kicking for it? It's fairly clear her DH isn't quite as familiar as she is with the escaping tendencies of the toddler; him going off into a mega-sulk is not helpful.
OP, over my dead body would they be going without a different, proven to be escape-proof car seat. And it is a pity your husband prioritises his hurty feelings over your childrens' safety.

I wasn’t implying your husband is a babysitter. My suggestion that he take the DC all out on is own by car somewhere is so your DH can handle your DS himself and deal with his son attempting to escape from the car seat.

You are very welcome and I hope all ends well
I also hope that you find a solution to the houdini tricks. Like I said mine eventually stopped doing it. There were lots of tears and tantrums (mostly from me) but we got there eventually.
Now onto the next struggle to find another solution

@Pierrettelasanguinaire thanks.

@frazzledasarock apologies i think I am guilty of mis interpretation and not reading properly

Night all.

Thank you

Sort the seatbelt situation. Get a new car seat.

Is it safe to button over a car seat? Surely the idea is you can them out quick in an emergency. I am not saying it isn't safe, I am saying I don't know.

The trip is a disaster waiting to happen because of car seat but also kids will be massively bored and probably play up! I know mine would!

Great granny might enjoy her grandpa's undivided time and some nice photos. But I think he needs to take them (once seat belt sorted) because he has decided this is what he wants to do. If he is close to her he may be worried and upset.

Some of these responses are really ill thought out.

OP is the mother, she herself doesn't like doing a 5 minute car trip due to this issue, the last long trip they had she sat in the back to prevent the child getting out of the seat.

YANBU to be worried about your child climbing out of the seat while on the highway at high speed with the only adult being the driver.

Contact a professional car fitting company and ask for advice perhaps?

I fully understand your dilemma as I had a child who also was able to get out of his car seat. Things have moved on and I hope you find a solution to the car seat safety issue not just for husbands trip abut also for daily life. Try and get husband to listen to your concerns which are about safety. Generally though I found if other children were beside my child they could help keep him in the seat the main problem was when he was in car on his own.

My mum had dementia and the children found visiting very hard. The older one coped better.

Your husband sounds very unaware of the potential danger so I wouldn't trust him in that situation either. His being 'their father' doesn't give him magic powers in a moving vehicle!

He's also being a big baby giving you the cold should IMHO.

But, as I say, I think he is worried about his grandmother (a situation he cannot change) and you are rightly worried about a young child (a situation you can change).That is what makes the OP right here, IMHO and not the fact she is the mum and he is the dad!

My god, what a load of rubbish being spouted on this thread.
Op, your concerns are valid. You tried to communicate this to your DP. He was unable to listen and is now ignoring you and behaving like a toddler himself. Besides the point but important, has he even thought about the fact that the six hour minimum round trip may only result in a 20 minute visit?
It seems like you do the bulk of caring and worrying about the children and their safety. He needs to learn to listen and communicate better.
I hope you can come up with a solution to the car seat Op. I have the same sort of fearless Houdini child and you have my sympathies.
Anyway, I hope that by the time you read this you will both be refreshed and that he's come to his senses after a night of sleeping on it.

I do not think fathers are quite so safety savvy as mothers and, in your circumstances, OP, I would feel the same.

But I also think you need to get a car seat the DC cannot wriggle out of ASAP and, if he thinks escaping i s funny, make sure he knows it is not a joke. Do ‘the voice’ and ‘the face’ at the very least. His life depends on it.

Agree that your concerns are totally valid, OP.

You are not saying your DH is incompetent or untrustworthy; simply sharing your concern that one pair of adult hands is not enough to keep everybody when they are also on the steering wheel of a car doing 70mph on the motorway!

Ask him to envisage the scenario when LO unbuckles and appears at his elbow, chuckling. What the hell is he going to do when all options are unsafe?

If he sulks and won't discuss it, how are you meant to arrive at a solution that keeps everyone safe?

Given the choice of potentially offending DH to ensure everyone's safety or pleasing him and risking a motorway pile up that could wipe out the entire family, who in their right mind would hesitate? What consolation would it be to know that in his last moments on earth he was probably screaming, "I'm sorry, you were right!"?

A lot of these replies are madness.

Of course it's not safe to go on a motorway unless securing the seatbelt is managed.

If dh doesn't see the stupidity of going without a solution being found, then of course the op needs to say no.

You've been too soft with the CS issue; so much that you are changing what you do and arguing with your DH because of it.

Remember you're in charge, not the 2 year old.

If you were giving consequences that mattered to him, he wouldn't keep doing it. He probably thinks it's a game now.

Put something over the buckle so he can't open it. Having it on is much safer than climbing out and causing an accident. I can't fathom why you haven't done it already?

The next time he does it make it very unpleasant for him.
Shriek and scare the poop out of him.

No, no don't do that clearly doesn't work.

Don't assign the other DC to keep him in the seat. Don't sit in the back with him. It's not the other DC responsibility to keep him there. It's yours.

You need to show your 2.5 year old you mean business and a car seat is non-negotiable. Next time he climbs out, park and make him walk the rest of the way to nursery.

My child tried to get out of a seat once.

Never again.

I have never shouted at any of my children more before or after. Your job is to teach your kid right from wrong, not by negotiation

The only way we fixed this with DS at this exact age (2. 5) was stopping the car every single time and buckling him back in with firm words. Reasoning with a 2yo is a form of insanity. Better buckles could perhaps be found, but who is going to spend 3 figures on a new car seat and risk hearing the crow of delight from the back the first time you take him out in it?! They are cunning little possums at that age with zero sense of personal risk in a moving vehicle.

He will lose interest and stay put if OP and her DH persist, but several hours of motorway driving with only one adult is not the context to test his compliance.

I think DH should set off ready to turn back before the motorway if the behaviour starts. His DGM will not experience disappointment, will she?

If he is on edge while driving and watching DS in the rear-view mirror, he might lose concentration and cause a crash even if DS stays buckled up!

It's just not worth the risk. Knowing how you feel about it, OP, is he covertly pressuring you to drop your own plans and go along in sheer desperation? Would he do that?

The problem is the car seat & a lack of discipline to get the child to stop wriggling out. What is the point of a car seat if they can escape ? Or if they repeatedly do something dangerous even though you’ve “said no & they cried & got upset”. The fact you mentioned how they cried & sooked after you said no indicates you me you might be a bit lax discipline wise.

Also if your reaction to your kid wriggling out of his car seat is to shorten the length of car trips, that thinking is warped. You kid needs a new/secure car seat or to listen to things regarding safety. It is his dad’s right to take him out.

Also as someone who does a lot of motor/freeway driving (at least in NSW Australia) am confused as to what the hysteria over motorway driving is that I often see on here. Are there no emergency stop bays on your motorways? Or can’t you take the next exit if something is an issue in the vehicle?

Surely they must have emergency bays etc to deal with breakdowns.

To me motorway driving is actually not stressful because the way I see it, less rules & opportunity for people to do the wrong thing & cause an accident. Just speed up, stay in your lane, don’t stop & stick in the slow lane unless overtaking. I just stay in the slow lane & never overtake. It’s not hard! Unless your freeways are vastly different construction ?

@prawnsword we don't have emergency stop bays, just the hard shoulder that isn't separate from the motorway and isn't particularly safe to stop in and, depending on which motorway and where you are, the next exit could be 20 miles away. Pulling over on the motorway is not that simple.

I'm struggling to understand how this discussion escalated to the point where you are "sobbing" and he's giving you the cold shoulder. If you can't have a reasonable discussion about these sorts of relatively minor things and come to a joint decision there's little hope.

Fwiw I don't think the kids will particularly enjoy a visit to a very elderly confused relative but I guess DH feels that its important so it would be nice if you could try and help it happen for him.

Stopping on the side of the motorway is very dangerous. That should only be a last resort.

So when he takes the child he let's him get out? He doesnt stop.the car and put him back in?

Yes it’s not first port of call to stop on a motorway. When you stop you put the hazard lights on & don’t get out on the drivers side.

There was a sad incident in Australia recently where a carer & her autistic boy she was looking after were killed on the freeway after they pulled over & he got out of the car & she chased him. They were run over by a semi trailer. Shocking.

But if you pull over, don’t get out & use your lights then it’s not so hazardous you are likely to be killed ! It IS dangerous but so is driving generally. There are risks, you shouldn’t pull over just to do your lippie, but they are there in case of emergencies IE child wriggling out of the harness.

I’m just saying it seems there ARE emergency bays but you are saying they are dangerous & shouldn’t be used. But this situation is exactly the kind of thing they are for.

There is a famous UK case where two Swedish (?) twin ladies ran intentionally ran into motorway traffic & were run over. In the footage the police are standing by the side of the motorway just fine.

I get motorway accidents happen but am still not convinced the pullover bays are as bad as what you are saying. Your infrastructure surely must exceed ours surely.

Weird answers on here! The OP wouldn't take the child on a motorway so there's no double standards. It's a very dangerous idea!