To say no to dh taking one child

[Pikehau]

My DH wants to take the three children away next weekend to see his grandmother who is 90 and has dementia. Children are 2.5,5,7.5.

I initially agreed as I couldn't go due to prior commitments I had in for 2 months. And no I dont want to change. Eg he is not changing a night out in 2 weeks.

Anyway 2.5 year old can get out of Houdini clip and car buckle. And want to climb into front seat.

I stop repeatedly on residential roads on way to nursery and back. Last weekend I took them all to a local party and it was really distracting even driving in a 20 zone and pulling over.

I am now so worried about the 3.5hr trip on motorway with only dh driving and other 2 children in the car.

I said tonight no cant take ds just the other 2. I cant trust ds in the car. Now I am sobbing as DH is giving me the could shoulder clearly annoyed and all I can think of is how by sticking up for the safety of my children I feel like I am in the wrong.

I know I am not. I feel sick at the thought. But maybe I am being unreasonable but I cant get past it.

Dont understand why he cant go in Jan when we have a free weekend and I can sit in back with ds.

I also dont understand why DH just cant talk about things. He just shuts down every conversation like this. I do wonder if one day it will all bubble up. Another issue and off topic. But because of this reaction it took a lot for me to say that to him but I cant trust our son in the car so have to say it. Am I really so unreasonable?

Like it is common here for people to pull over at an emergency bay to wee. I have had to do it as a last resort when was busting my bladder & too far from an exit to rest stop or servo. Pulled over, got out passenger side, walk over the side railing into the Bush (forest) for a wee. Get back in car & exit safely.

You wouldn’t pull up for the hell of it. But when you need to they are there.

I once had to pull over as got an eyelash in my eye.

They really push his dangerous pulling over on freeways is because unfortunately so many people lack basic commonsense & will pull over for stupid reasons.

They aren't pullover bays. It's like an extra very narrow lane at the side of the motorway. It's used by emergency vehicles and breakdowns.

Why on Earth are you taking a 2.5 year old to see a90 year old with dementia anyway on a 3.5 hr journey

Your DH is stressed clearly and wants to see his grandmother but he also need to prioritise his children

Some motorways have removed the hard shoulder now (it’s controversial)

Yes but what you are saying that there is in fact a pullover lane & a child wriggling out of the seat would be the type of “last resort” they were arguably intended for.

The British are known for being quite conservative & overly cautious. Which is why you are known for “MIND THE GAP”. So when I hear people saying how dangerous pulling over is, am rather sceptical. It may have been drilled into you it is dangerous but that doesn’t mean you can’t & shouldn’t pull over when you need to.

They have to say it otherwise everyone would pull over for phone calls, to do their eyeliner or read a book, etc. It must be discouraged so it’s the exception not the rule to pull over. But it doesn’t mean you should fear driving on motorways so much! Just be sensible about it & you’ll be fine.

You need a better car seat. My DS is also Houdini so we had to buy a new car seat which has resolved it. Also recommend the 7 year old sitting beside the 2 year old to push them down/keep them distracted.

I understand your fears though, it’s not as if DH can pull over on the motorway to sort the toddler out.

@prawnsword Since we in the UK now have had various incompetent governments that like to do things on the cheap and unfit for purpose, many of our motorways now do not have any hard shoulders or emergency bays at all to pull into. Others have hard shoulders which become running lanes when busy. Many people have died because of this.

Agree with those who suggest a better car seat and a more no-nonsense approach to any child constantly choosing to escape from them. But surely your DH doesn't have to be quite so inflexible on the date he's intending to visit?

*OP's DH...

So what happens if you break down or get a flat tyre ? Many people die on our freeways too but arguably not every day. The road tolls are usually from accidents while driving on the freeway not pulled over - but people do get clipped if they are in the pullover side lane yes. But to say don’t use them ever? Don’t agree with that or they would not be there for emergencies like kids escaping.

Maybe the dad wants the kid to see grandma so when they are older will have a photo or story about how they did meet grandma. It is quite insensitive to say it shouldn’t matter to him that his mum meets his child before she dies.

YABVU given that your DH is equally responsible for your DS and making appropriate decisions. You are also very unreasonable not to have sorted out a situation which is untenable and dangerous. Just because it is more dangerous on motorway doesn't make it okay on a short trip. You need to get a different buckle cover or carseat regardless for Houdini child.

Could you perhaps talk to your DH about finding a solution, rather than getting emotional and telling him he can't do this?

If your child can escape it’s not safe on the motorway, I have serious motorway anxiety but tbh it comes from a fairly rational place.
If something goes wrong on a motorway it’s serious.
You need to get one of the super escapee proof seats but if that can’t happen before the trip/be tested before then could another adult go with DH to supervise in the back?

I think your concern about the car seat was interpreted as concern about your DH. The problem is the car seat, the solution is another car seat (& yes you can get one by next weekend). Why you've left it this long before sorting it out, I'm not sure, but that's what you need to do. Not sing, distract and keep pulling over

I think you need to have a firm chat with your child. At 2.5 they are fully capable of understanding what don’t touch means.

Why can’t your H reschedule the trip for a weekend you don’t have plans?

@prawnsword- also bear in mind British motorways are generally much, much more congested than in Australia. A lot more traffic squeezed into a lot less space

Prawnsword not a case of "don't use them", they are often no longer there to use. I know motorways and freeways have safety issues and accidents are common (road safety is my vocation), the deaths I'm talking about are entirely attributable to the removal of these hard shoulders / pull ins and are over and above what you'd consider the typical casualty levels for such roads.

I used to love driving but don't enjoy motorway driving one bit any more.

YANBU at all, OP. I can’t believe some of the responses on here. Are you supposed to just keep quiet about a potentially very dangerous situation for fear of being seen to micromanage your husband?

You clearly have more experience of what your DS can get up to in the car and wouldn’t do that journey with him yourself so it’s completely fair to tell your husband that you’re not happy with the plan.

My DD can’t be trusted in a standard car seat, so we’ve used an extra chest clip from the In Car Safety Centre. I’d be very surprised if a toddler could release it.

incarsafetycentre.co.uk/chest-clip

Wrap a belt around the straps and buckle it? Kid couldn’t (hopefully) undo it, but an adult could.

Discipline you child.
Sort out a better car seat.
Treat your DH like a partner not another child.

Just to add... Highways England have recently conceded that "we fucked up" with this one and have committed not to build any more so-called Smart Motorways.

Yes motorway anxiety seems to be something have only heard on mumsnet. Maybe it is because in Europe better public transport / cheap flights so less people tend to use motorways or drive long distances... not sure what it is, but the hysteria seems over the top.

When I was in London they had warnings in the tube to carry water bottles wherever you went during a heat wave. It wasn’t even 30 degrees.

I agree the car seat & not the motorway is the issue here. If the kid is escaping out of the seat that is much more dangerous than motorway driving. The kid could break their neck or go through the window even if you were on a regular road & had to turn or break suddenly. So to be so scared of the motorway but also to still be using that car seat & driving 5 mins away from home is arguably much more dangerous.

Don’t most road accidents statistically happen close To home ? That is Due to us going on autopilot - on the freeway you are more aware & alert of potential dangers.

@SomethingNastyInTheBallPool there isnt a binary choice between letting the child be placed in an unsafe situation or refusing to let her DH take his children to see his mother. The reality is that the OP has been placing the DS in danger by not.sorting out another seat/buckle cover and being firmer with "don't touch". This needs addressing to keep DS regardless and the new sest can be sourced before next weekend.

Just wondering if he’s climbing out to get into the front, whether you put the car seat in the passenger seat and see if it makes a difference?

I agree with @whydomore but your title is causing you problems OP!
Hope you find a solution and get a child free weekend for yourself!

Sounds like you need a different seat urgently op. its vv dangerous he does this. Weve a 360 degree spin with a bumper in the front. Maybe have a see which seats he cant get out of. Good luck

I can see what you're saying, it's not your DH you don't trust but your DS. I would sort out the car seat situation, you shouldn't be held hostage by a 2.5 year old, there must be something you can buy to keep him buckled in.