To say no to dh taking one child

[Pikehau]

My DH wants to take the three children away next weekend to see his grandmother who is 90 and has dementia. Children are 2.5,5,7.5.

I initially agreed as I couldn't go due to prior commitments I had in for 2 months. And no I dont want to change. Eg he is not changing a night out in 2 weeks.

Anyway 2.5 year old can get out of Houdini clip and car buckle. And want to climb into front seat.

I stop repeatedly on residential roads on way to nursery and back. Last weekend I took them all to a local party and it was really distracting even driving in a 20 zone and pulling over.

I am now so worried about the 3.5hr trip on motorway with only dh driving and other 2 children in the car.

I said tonight no cant take ds just the other 2. I cant trust ds in the car. Now I am sobbing as DH is giving me the could shoulder clearly annoyed and all I can think of is how by sticking up for the safety of my children I feel like I am in the wrong.

I know I am not. I feel sick at the thought. But maybe I am being unreasonable but I cant get past it.

Dont understand why he cant go in Jan when we have a free weekend and I can sit in back with ds.

I also dont understand why DH just cant talk about things. He just shuts down every conversation like this. I do wonder if one day it will all bubble up. Another issue and off topic. But because of this reaction it took a lot for me to say that to him but I cant trust our son in the car so have to say it. Am I really so unreasonable?

@ Armadillostoes I agree - the seat is the thing that needs fixing, pronto. But the OP’s husband seems to be shutting down the discussion rather than trying to address her (completely valid) worries.

The British are known for being quite conservative & overly cautious. Which is why you are known for “MIND THE GAP”. So when I hear people saying how dangerous pulling over is, am rather sceptical. It may have been drilled into you it is dangerous but that doesn’t mean you can’t & shouldn’t pull over when you need to

Maybe that’s why our roads are safer. Also many motorways are now smart ones so there isn’t a hard shoulder anymore.

OP, the bigger problem you have is your cold shouldering DH.

And obviously you need a solution to your Ds! He should not be doing it and may see it as a game.

Make yourself a childproof buckle cover as a matter of urgency. Nothing to do with going to great grandmother.

Whether it’s unreasonable depends on how advanced the dementia is. A forgotten name, fine. Curled up in a ball and doubly incontinent less fine.

Two problems, the first is that your 2 yr old obv gets out a lot with you which must be a BIG worry for both of you since most accidents are near to home. You need urgently to find something they cannot get out of and also instigate reward system for not trying to get out.

Also, I would suggest 3 hr journey for poss a 1 hr visit with an elderly relatively with 3 lovely but lively children will be quite a strain for all and then 3 hrs back. But at that age you never know when their health could dip.

Could you or another adult go too to keep the peace in the car as there are sure to be a few hiccups and not least a need to stop a few times at service stations? And will also be able to help on the visit that they dont get bored and factious and maybe take some film and photos. Good luck.

@notsohippychick I don’t have kids but am fairly sure car seats are not allowed in the passenger seat otherwise more people would have the kids travelling beside them. They are in the back for a reason.

I also find the OP’s way of managing the situation odd - to sit in back with the kid to stop him escaping, instead of getting a new seat or teaching the kid not to wriggle out. It’s like a bandaid over the problem to sit in back with him, not a solution.

Surely a new car seat could be ordered online & delivered before next weekend.

I have noticed that it can depend on who is driving and how comfortable the child is with being chastised by the driver or not. Maybe your DH doesn't have this issue or it has been rare whereas for you it is an understandable concern and needs a solution.

I think I would be looking at other ways to stop it happening as pp suggest, rather than not taking the child in the car until they have grown out of it.

The other issue is how you and your DH handle conflict and differences of opinion. Get on the gottman institute and improve your communication skills together. You're supposed to be on the same team as you say.

How do you discipline a 2.5 year old in a car"more" without screaming at them or smacking them, which is apparently all abuse? Other than "If you do X I take Y away" which I'm sure op has tired and doesn't work

I think the easiest solution is to buy a new escape proof seat this week. A lot of the websites do next day delivery or pick up from somewhere.

I think you're right to be worried, I wouldn't want to do that journey myself.

People saying just tell him to stop or an iPad will solve it have been blessed with children who this works for!

Good luck

I don’t get the ‘he’s us the Dad, he can look after them just as well ‘ argument in this case. The OP is saying she would not do, on her own, what the DH is proposing to do.

How will he stop the toddler undoing the harness??

It is not safe to be constantly looking in the back seat to check, it is not safe to keep stopping in the hard shoulder.

Wind a shit load of cling film around the buckle. That's just dangerous, don't suggest crap like that!!

@prawnsword When I was in London they had warnings in the tube to carry water bottles wherever you went during a heat wave. It wasn’t even 30 degrees 30c is very different here (Australia) than it is in the UK. For the UK it is actually quite hot, whereas here, it's a lovely warm day. You can't compare the two.

he was happier with me squashed in the back to make sure ds was in seat and push him back down

Are you sure he was happier

@prawnsword

I am also an Australian and the new smart motorways are not somewhere I would like to have to pull up on. They have converted the emergency lane into a peak hour use lane and it is very confusing. If you stop the cameras pick you up and put a x on the screen above the lane. All quite logical in theory but not practice and they are no longer converting others after those in the process are finished.

The amount of trucks on the motorways here are far more than on Australian motorways. And they are often European lorries driven by European drivers on the wrong side of the road.

The ‘hysteria’ is actually quite warranted I can assure you on these smart motorways. This is so much worse than the freeway in to Sydney and is regularly heavier with traffic.

A car seat that can’t restrain a child is unsafe whether you are driving 2 miles or 200. The priority here is to ensure your child is safe on all journeys either by buying a new seat or some sort of additional harness or telling him off every time he does it.
My nephew used to do this too. His mum (my SIL) would sigh and roll her eyes and say ‘oh, he’s such a handful. What can I do?’ I would pull over, turn off the engine and tell him ‘we’re not moving until you are safely strapped in’ and we’d sit in silence until he climbed back into his car seat. I only had to do it twice.

And I would be very pissed off if my DH started telling where and when I could travel with my children.

DD2 did this once on a busy road. I was able to pull over, fortunately, and read her the bloody riot act! I was furious and shouting, scared her shitless and she never did it again. At 2.5, your child is old enough to understand when you tell them why they must not do this, unless your child has SEN. And yes, you are being utterly unreasonable, because you should have had this problem sorted out long ago! I agree with a pp upthread who said that you have a discipline problem.

when I drive I pull over on way to nursery. DH doesn't

So he continues to drive with your DS loose in the front seat?

@Winesalot thanks for taking the time to explain, as was confused by the motorway aversion. That makes a lot of sense, ta.

My little sister used to run in the road when she couldn't get her own way. One day my dad grabbed her and gave her a right bollocking when she was 3. She never did it again.

Do not drive with your child in an unsafe carseat. Dangerous for those also "on their way to nursery" with their own kids if you have one eye on the back seat, are busy distracting your toddler or if you suddenly pull over.

I had a child who ran and wriggled and was a real escapologist. There were always ways of restraining her to keep her and everyone else safe, (without Child Cruelty surprisingly!).

The DH thing is a redherring. Treat him like an adult

Dd could escape car seats and all kinds of clips, even unbuttoned a top to get out. I feel your pain, I cried so often on even short trips. She didn’t care about whether I told her off, she just wanted out!

We got a Cybex Pallas and she both couldn’t escape, and had a handy little table. She did eventually start playing with the seatbelt but by then she was more biddable and responded to being told not to. www.johnlewis.com/cybex-pallas-s-fix-group-1-2-3-car-seat-premium-black/p4119167?sku=237983970&s_ppc=2dx92700046625831022&tmad=c&tmcampid=2&gclid=CjwKCAiAlO7uBRANEiwA_vXQ-wvzliRdVZWN5HnqPiW2QeYtpi3Liq-I8IXKQlsAIu_5SQdx_W8jIBoCMKEQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Prawns. Yeah. And lots of jams- got stuck in a 3 hour one when it was 35 deg (rare but does happen) and it was horrid. Luckily we carry a screen blind thing (can’t take the Aussie out of us) which cut the heat but if you had a baby you would have panicked because they just don’t think to carry extra water. And why would you if you are popping up one exit to go to the shops !

But smart highways are not a place to pull over in my opinion unless you want to risk having a European lorry up your boot as they might have driven from Croatia In past 24 hours with little sleep.

I was also going to say that you May find he doesn’t do this with your dh because hecwon’t Be so sure of the reaction .

As regards previous posters , it is an offence to stop on the hard shoulder of a motorway unless you have broken down and if you do stop you should call the emergency services immediately and get out of the car and move the other side of the crash barrier.

Rather than trying to tell your dh what he can and can’t do, why not deal with the actual problem?

You’re obsessing about the motorway and length of this journey when the reality is that you have been exposing your ds to danger. Numerous daily short runs to nursery etc can be equally dangerous if a child is constantly undoing their seat belt. Loads of collisions/ sharp braking happen on short journeys particularly at peak times (school run etc) and a car doesn’t have to be travelling at high speed for something catastrophic to happen. Stopping suddenly or someone going into your rear in stop - start traffic can be enough to cause serious injury or even fatalities if someone is unrestrained in the car. Not just to the child who undoes his restraint either.

You need to go back to the beginning on this and discuss proper solutions with your dh. What you’ve done so far is clearly ineffectual Your cannot carry on doing regular journeys where this happens and then pull rank on the other parent like this. It’s insane!

What do you do or say when dc undoes car seat?

The fact he does it lots and you haven’t sorted the problem is Insane

by changing car seats - making belts tight -/shouldn’t be able to wriggle arms out anyway or getting a clip

And as someone else said a loud shouting bollocking

You as the parent need to keep your child safe. Regardless ofmotorways - you can have an accident going to school etc

Be firm and consistent

Do not drive with your child in an unsafe carseat. Dangerous for those also "on their way to nursery" with their own kids if you have one eye on the back seat, are busy distracting your toddler or if you suddenly pull over

This. Motorways are the safest roads; far more accidents happen on normal roads. Also, motorways do not have pedestrians - it isn't just the people in the car who are at risk if the driver is distracted, it's everyone else on the road.

Frankly, OP, I think you have got a hell of a nerve being all sanctimonious about your DH putting your DS at risk, when you are yourself putting your DC and other road users in danger every day by driving when distracted by having to monitor your DS. You even admit that in your OP that it's "really distracting" but you are still doing it. Total hypocrisy and very dangerous.

I think YABU.

Does the car seat have D rings? Just buy a cheap rein and attach it to them. A 2 year old won't be able to unclip that.

Or just tell your child, "No! Dangerous!" in a very serious, firm tone.
main reason is that he finds it amusing to unclip.
I'm sorry OP but this is your problem. YOU are not being firm enough. And just because you're not firm enough, it doesn't mean your husband is not capable of being firm enough.

I'm 42, I've got 5 children, including a 2.5 year old and I'm pregnant with number 6. I've never had any of this stupidity getting out of car seats or pushchairs more than once when they figure out how to undo the straps, same goes for when they figure out how to open stair gates or when they figure out how to pull plug covers off. If they're big enough to do that they're big enough to understand, "No! Dangerous!" in a very firm tone of voice.