To say no to dh taking one child

[Pikehau]

My DH wants to take the three children away next weekend to see his grandmother who is 90 and has dementia. Children are 2.5,5,7.5.

I initially agreed as I couldn't go due to prior commitments I had in for 2 months. And no I dont want to change. Eg he is not changing a night out in 2 weeks.

Anyway 2.5 year old can get out of Houdini clip and car buckle. And want to climb into front seat.

I stop repeatedly on residential roads on way to nursery and back. Last weekend I took them all to a local party and it was really distracting even driving in a 20 zone and pulling over.

I am now so worried about the 3.5hr trip on motorway with only dh driving and other 2 children in the car.

I said tonight no cant take ds just the other 2. I cant trust ds in the car. Now I am sobbing as DH is giving me the could shoulder clearly annoyed and all I can think of is how by sticking up for the safety of my children I feel like I am in the wrong.

I know I am not. I feel sick at the thought. But maybe I am being unreasonable but I cant get past it.

Dont understand why he cant go in Jan when we have a free weekend and I can sit in back with ds.

I also dont understand why DH just cant talk about things. He just shuts down every conversation like this. I do wonder if one day it will all bubble up. Another issue and off topic. But because of this reaction it took a lot for me to say that to him but I cant trust our son in the car so have to say it. Am I really so unreasonable?

YANBU at all and I don't understand why your dh should even think of taking a 2.5yo on such a long journey to see his grandmother when she has dementia with all of the memory issues that entails. Will she even recognise or remember any of your dc?

Stick to your guns and take no notice of his pathetic cold-shouldering. Your ds's safety is paramount and it's unlikely to be a fun day for your other two. If your dh hasn't seen his grandmother for some time, I would suggest he visits on his own first to see if there's been any deterioration in her condition since he last saw her and then you can all go to visit her in January.

In the meantime, look for a solution that will stop Houdini getting out of his car seat. I'm sure other posters will have suggestions that will stop you having to pull over constantly.

Your child needs to learn he is not allowed to take his arms out of the straps. You don't need a new car seat you need more discipline. At 2 and a half he is perfectly capable of understanding he shouldn't be doing that.

Have you tried sticking Velcro to the buckle? Makes it very sore for their fingers to press on. I think you need to make sure DH knows that you would not be happy making the journey yourself as it stands and have several attempts to fix the unbuckling this week to try to make it happen.

I think you’re making excuses here. There are loads of ways to stop a child unlocking the buckles. Grab a ball of string and keep threading it around.
Wind a shit load of cling film around the buckle.

Halfords probably sell something.

I think you don’t trust your husband.

Hi all thanks for the feedback.

I agree he is probably pissed off at the insinuation that I don't trust him rather than ds.

I have as stated got and tried a few restraints.

I didn't think you could get a clip cover as it had to be easily accessible (at least that is what I recall from ds1) but will look.

Yes a new cat seat.

For those saying I drive him around knowing he is unsafe.
I can generally distract him most mornings with a toast / apple / singing the wiggles.

Yes maybe a seat with a bar might be better as he can unclip himself.

Thanks again will talk tondg tomorrow and appreciate how he might be feeling.

I did ask for him to talk to me and suggest things and i was willing to listen

1morewineplease

I would never tie or clingfilm my child in a car seat

Thestrangestthing

Well I am trying and that's why when I drive I pull over on way to nursery. Dh doesnt and i think it enforces the wrong behaviour.

Ok thanks all will look at all other restraint options that are safe and legal.

Zip ties😁

I understand what you're saying. For a long time my ds would take his arms out of the straps while I was driving no matter how tight they were. Dp didn't need to take the children out in the car very often so never had to deal with it (pull over 10 times on a 5 minute car journey). Eventually he stopped doing it but I too would be concerned if dp wanted to drive the children so far. I would be concerned for all of them really because of obviously the risk to the child and the panic of the person driving when they can't pull over but realise their child has escaped while doing 70mph on the motorway with nowhere to pull over. I don't think you are being unreasonable worrying when you know what it's like. Might be best to let him do a drive with the kids before they go so he understands and possibly look at a new car seat if that is an option?
Don't feel bad for worrying, although I do understand what people are saying about your dh thinking that you think he can't cope. Maybe try talk at him if he's not listening and explain the worry is for all of them?

what happens when your ds climbs out? you need to be firm and ensure he stops doing it, at 2.5 he should understand No and respond to boundaries.

I agree about dh not taking him at such short notice but maybe you should have discussed options rather than you just saying No. could he get the train there? or is there another family member close by they could pick up to look after ds in the car?

How,offensive and micro managing to their father

I suspect dh is annoyed because instead of telling him your concerns and trusting him to resolve it or decide to leave dc you told him he cant. Not how a partner should treat the other partner.

The besafe belt collector is safe to use and recommended by the ICSC who are the car seat experts in this country.
incarsafetycentre.co.uk/belt-collector

In any case it is significantly safer to buy one of these than risk driving around with a toddler who can get out of their car seat. So YABU

Some of these responses are insane. It's not the fact he's the father, it's the fact the son is likely to climb out of his car seat while his dad is driving fast on the motorway. Don't let your son go on a journey like that, OP.

another option could you put a coat/jumper on backwards over the straps and do it up behind him? or one of those blankets with sleeves.

sorry if that wouldn't work it's been a long time since mine were in car seats (not that I used them much as I don't drive!)

I think my phrasong was along the lines of "I am really worries about x coming out of his seat on the motorway. It's making me feel quite sick and worried knowing what he is like. I'm not sure I am comfortable with next weekend now the more I think about it."

I dont think I micro managed or said you are not allowed.

However it appears to me now that many of you and most likely my husband think I am.

I have escape clips and a jacket thing.

The problem is he unclips the actual clip.

It's not something I take lightly in 20 zone so cant get the 70mpg motorway out of my head

Do you tell your child off for unclipping his car seat? Sometimes children need strong discipline for their own safety even if it upsets them for a few moments.

@hollowTalk thank you

To all other i trust dh with our children

I never tell him he cant do x y z whether its his own stuff or child stuff

I dont trust my son and yes I know I need to work on that. But cant see how he changes in a week now he has found annew trick.

Could you maybe order something via Amazon etc to fix a new clip over?
Also maybe the older child could be bribed to entertain the youngest-videos, Ipad,conversation and then give a reward for their help-not ideal I know.
Or even a rest break and the kids all get out for a bit of a break.

@lockshunkugel

Yes I pull over and stop I push him.backnin I tell him no. He cries and is angry

Isn't this what ipads and peppa pig are for?

As a parent whose child used to do something similar I completely see why you are worried. Yes the child needs to be taught not to do it like some have said but that's easier said than done. If you are worried then you are worried regardless of who is driving. If they are driving then what can they do? Pull over every 5 minutes on the motorway? Would you take your child on such a long journey and think you could cope with it? Probably not which is why you're concerned. I don't see it as offence to your dh, just that the whole situation could be bad and concerning whoever was in the drivers seat.

I feel like this is obvious you not explain to your 2.5 year old it's dangerous? One of mine used to take her arms out and I was so relieved shortly after she turned 2 as I could tell her to keep her arms in because it's dangerous and she'd listen! Needed reminding to put them back in for a few months, but I'm sure your hubby can manage telling them to keep arms in/not too unclip a few times in the journey if needed.

Obvious but can you*