To say no to dh taking one child

[Pikehau]

My DH wants to take the three children away next weekend to see his grandmother who is 90 and has dementia. Children are 2.5,5,7.5.

I initially agreed as I couldn't go due to prior commitments I had in for 2 months. And no I dont want to change. Eg he is not changing a night out in 2 weeks.

Anyway 2.5 year old can get out of Houdini clip and car buckle. And want to climb into front seat.

I stop repeatedly on residential roads on way to nursery and back. Last weekend I took them all to a local party and it was really distracting even driving in a 20 zone and pulling over.

I am now so worried about the 3.5hr trip on motorway with only dh driving and other 2 children in the car.

I said tonight no cant take ds just the other 2. I cant trust ds in the car. Now I am sobbing as DH is giving me the could shoulder clearly annoyed and all I can think of is how by sticking up for the safety of my children I feel like I am in the wrong.

I know I am not. I feel sick at the thought. But maybe I am being unreasonable but I cant get past it.

Dont understand why he cant go in Jan when we have a free weekend and I can sit in back with ds.

I also dont understand why DH just cant talk about things. He just shuts down every conversation like this. I do wonder if one day it will all bubble up. Another issue and off topic. But because of this reaction it took a lot for me to say that to him but I cant trust our son in the car so have to say it. Am I really so unreasonable?

Do you not trust your husband to keep his child safe? I can see why he's upset, you are utterly mishandling this.

I think you need to sort out the car seat & let him take them away. When our 3 were little I used to love it when my DH took them away for a weekend. I never doubted that he was capable of looking after them and I had the luxury of a whole weekend to myself!

@Whydomore
Yes this is how I feel.

I am glad I posted as now I understand what DH feels.

Thanks all

I think you're right op and especially what you say about your husband shutting the conversation down if you bring up something that displeases him, rather than discuss it. Mine does that too much and I really recognise what you say about, because of that, hesitating before bringing this up. You shouldn't have to do that. It's for him to find a solution. Don't feel you have to fix it. If you are sure you didn't speak rudely or aggressively, then he's out of line being offended, and can come to you to make amends, not the other way round.

With or without the seatbelt issues this does not seem like an enjoyable/easy trip for the kids.

My Nan has dementia, roughly same age. I can't visit with the kids for more than 20 minutes without either her or them getting upset or her behaviour causing difficulties (throwing things/being violent etc). She lives 5 mins away not hours! Personally I would not be taking the kids at all without a clear understanding of her current condition.

The DH problem is going to be harder to fix

It's a DM problem, not DH, she has the misguided idea that she is the more important parent.

I am on your side. I was driving along a freeway in the Middle East at 160 kph and my DS (then aged 3) got out of his car seat and opened the car door. It was terrifying.

That said, I think you should both compromise on your prior engagements so that you can BOTH go.

Who will be looking after the little one if he doesn’t go with his dad and siblings ?

@JasBBGG not my family so not my business is how i feel.

Sorry to hear that is how it is for you.

@frazzledasarock

I will as my prior commitments can continue with or without my children present. That's not my issue. My husband isnt a babysitter.

@tillytrotter1

Wow you got all that from me being scared for my childrens and husbands safety.

Lovely

I don't think YABU. 🤷‍♀️

He shouldn't sulk and shut you out. He should talk to you properly like an adult.

@marieFromStTropez

Well on the off chance of sounding like I conform to a prior posters summary of me being too important.....

I dont do much for myself and have planned this for a long time.

My DH does plenty but he is not changing his plans.

He saw his grandmother last weekend which is how this all came about.

Simple fix. Button shirt over the car seat straps

You have a valid concern (DS safety) but it's not clear you have approached this in a good way.

The right way to manage would have been to say "I'm worried about DS behaviour in car seat on the long trip. What do you think?" And have a conversation with DH, including listening to him and working on solutions together. Noting however that DS behaviour on the long trip will be up to DH to manager so you should be a sounding board for him -- not the 'approver' of an approach or the one making the decisions.

Your initial post sounds like you don't trust DH. You initially 'agreed' he could take them? Now you are not 'allowing'? WTF you are not in charge of everything and the sole decider in the family.

Honestly, your post reads like you are divorced and you have primary custody and are trying to control what happens on the other parent's time. Given your frustrating with DH communication, it's worth considering whether you would prefer this

Like so

What about this OP:

incarsafetycentre.co.uk/buckle-cover

I'm sorry but telling no isn't enough in this situation. Coming out of a car seat is one of the few situations when a child should be rollocked IMO.

Our DD went through a short phase when she was about 2.5 yes old when she'd take her arms out of the straps. The first couple of times we did the softly softly approach but it didn't work. So after that, we would rollock her. She stopped after two. She hasn't done it since.

@TotHappy thanks.

I'll talk to him though and tell him I understand why he is annoyed and state that I tried to share my feelings and Hope's he would have been ok discussing.

We will see

That stops him accessing the clip and comes with a seat belt cutter/window hammer, and window sticker which explains where the seat belt cutter is kept, in case of emergencies.

Simple fix. Button shirt over the car seat straps

^^.
Friggin GOLD

@vivapuff fair assessment of the post I just re read.

Forgetting that all you have is words to go on.

Initially agreed: as in agreed it was a good idea / plan of his.

Yes my "no cant take ds" i should have worded my actual conversation. I was more focused on if inwas being unreasonable being worries about my whole family in that car.

Lesson learnt for aibu.

Thanks

I like the button shirt idea.

I'll suggest that

I can try the shirt thing going to nursery to make sure he isnt like the avacado baby!!!

My dp is an amazing dad. However he does not spend as much time with our children as I do. Not by choice but because he works and I don't.
Just recently we were out with friends and their children doing an activity. So we all took turns and when it was my turn I told him to watch the youngest (the youngest is the one who would take his arms out of the seat straps).
My dp rolled his eyes at me and I took my turn. When I was finished I went back and asked where the youngest was. Gone is where he was! We had everyone in the whole place looking for him!
He showed up and all ended well but the point is I know exactly what he is like.

It's not a case of me not trusting my dp with any of the children but that I know the sort of things that he will do that will cause all out panic. He's a nightmare, has no fear and pretty much listens to no one. I am obviously hoping this will change by keep telling him, scare tactics, time out, whatever, that this will change but right now that's how it is.
So I think that people keep saying that at that age they should listen and do as they're told obviously haven't had a kid that just won't. I probably would have said the same thing before I had one of those kids.

As for the dh being offended. Like I said I get it I do but he also needs to understand points from the other side.

I think that it needs to be seen from both sides and someone worrying about their child's safety is not a bad thing. It's when people have no concern about safety that you need to worry.