Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there an unwritten agreement when you look after other people’s kids?

140 replies

Horcrux · 24/11/2019 16:23

That you would expect them to return the favour once in a while?

I look after a friend’s child once a week so her and her dh can go do their hobbies. I don’t mind as their dd is no bother and she’s good friends with my dd who is same age, but I kind of thought without agreement with them, that if I needed childcare they would be very very accommodating in returning my favours every once in a while. I’ve been doing this for a yr now, and they’ve never looked after my dd.

For context, they are from the local area and have GPs and Siblings around so are in abundance of emergency or leisure childcare, she also works part time so had 2 days childfree every week. I have no family, a dh who works away a lot and I work full time, but I have a hobby. Something I only do when dh is home.

I have asked her if she could help me out a few of times in last 3 months and each time she’s said she’s busy, but both times she could have easily taken my dd along with her such as going for lunch at her parents house, who my dd know.

I think I’m becoming passive aggressive towards her and a little resentful and I’m close to telling her that I can no longer look after her dd each week. Particularly as I had an thing I was really looking forward to this week but dh ended up going back to work early. I asked her but she couldn’t help as she was picking up new rabbits with her dc, something my dd could have tagged on to. It’s kind of wound me up but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and she’s just completely oblivious.

I need you to tell me that I am being U and petty! As I’m about to text her to tell her that I can no longer look after her dd each week as I’m upset that I missed my thing.

But have a brought this on myself? I hate asking for favours which is why I hadn’t asked anyone else for help, I felt like she owed me, but now I resent her.

Aibu??

OP posts:
misspiggy19 · 24/11/2019 16:24

That you would expect them to return the favour once in a while?

^Yep. Goes without saying

JustDanceAddict · 24/11/2019 16:24

Say you can no longer look after her DD. She is massively taking the piss.

Starrynights86 · 24/11/2019 16:25

Definitely tell her no more, she should be returning the favour!

MeadowHay · 24/11/2019 16:25

Yes you have brought it upon yourself, you've been a doormat and are massively being taken advantage of.

Now that you realise that, stop looking after that child. That couple are taking the PISS out of you, don't let them!

Lulualla · 24/11/2019 16:27

How did your arrangement start? Was it a regular play date and they've started a hobby around it? Or did they ask if you could look after her once a week because they need the childcare?

I think at this point I would need to be honest and tell her I was feeling resentful over he amount of childcare I provided for her when she has said no to every request I've made of her. And I think I would end the arrangement and instead have play days arranged when the kids want it.

areyouafraidofthedark · 24/11/2019 16:27

I agree with everyone else stop with the arrangement.

BrassicaBabe · 24/11/2019 16:27

Some people have no shame!! YA def NBU!

Grobagsforever · 24/11/2019 16:28

Absolutely YANBU. I have a few friends who I can drop my kids on with minimal warning and I do the same for them. And I'm a lone parent with no local family and yet I still manage to reciprocate!

moofolk · 24/11/2019 16:28

Be honest. They are taking the piss but probably don't see if that way.

Say you really need them to reciprocate these favours.

Neolara · 24/11/2019 16:28

I think these kind of arrangements only really if they are reciprocal, otherwise inevitably resentment arises. In your situation, I'd be exceptionally pissed off and would look to review the current babysitting arrangements.

MustShowDH · 24/11/2019 16:29

If it suits you, look after her DD - I know my DD is easier when she has a friend over.
If it doesn't suit you, don't do it, because you're getting nothing back in return. Not that I think we should only do things when we get something back, but you've needed help and it's not been forthcoming, so they're being CF's.

Thehop · 24/11/2019 16:30

YANBU! no reason your dd couldn’t go rabbit shopping

Majorcollywobble · 24/11/2019 16:30

She’s selfish through and through . Your DD would have loved a trip to help choose rabbits .
Just make sure you are unavailable if said rabbits ever need a sitter at holiday time .

KurriKurri · 24/11/2019 16:32

I'd contact her with Neolara's phrase - 'these kind of arrangements only really work if they are reciprocal' and clearly this one is not.' from now on you will be using the time when you have her DD for doing XYZ activity or 'family time'.

Singlebutmarried · 24/11/2019 16:32

Yep.

We have friends who have DD for sleepovers. Their DD isn’t keen on sleeping away from home.

I work school hours so do wrap around in the holidays in return.

Peasplease21 · 24/11/2019 16:32

Communication is key. I think it would have been helpful if you had directly asked her to “return the favour” by having your daughter over. I think you need to make your expectations explicit. Make sure you are on the same page before potentially falling out. YANBU though.

changeforprivacy · 24/11/2019 16:34

I had a friend like this. She would assume my availability to look after her kids and arrange/book things without asking, because I was 'going to the school anyway' to pick up my own DC and they could 'all play together after'

I could not believe her cheeky fuckery, but also that I had let her escalate things so much. She was never available to have my DC, always 'oh you know I would if I could' and 'I'm so sorry I wish I could help' but never just simply retiring the favour.

The final straw was when she booked a holiday, yes an actual out of the country, abroad, foreign holiday and informed me her sister would be round for her DC after work at about 5:45pm every evening Hmm

I laughed at her and said 'no fucking way' and she hasn't spoken to me since. We had been friends for over 20 years Confused

PuzzledObserver · 24/11/2019 16:35

Well I’m not a parent, so I can’t say for sure, whether there is an expectation of childcare being reciprocated, but it would seem reasonable to me.

You are under absolutely no obligation to continue to provide childcare if you don’t want to. Once a week for a year, and they haven’t returned the favour?

If she’s a friend and you want to keep her as such, I wouldn’t go texting. I’d find a time to sit down with her over a cuppa and tell her that while having her DD has been no trouble, you can’t help notice that on the few occasions when you’ve asked her to help you, she hasn’t been available. See what she says, it could be revealing.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 24/11/2019 16:35

You are not being unreasonable. Text her that as of this week you can no longer look after her dd. No reason has to be given. Just keep things short & pleasant when you inevitably bump into her. If she pushes as to why - I am now busy on that day. And don't get drawn into having her child again. Stock response (pleasant but firm tone) sorry that's not good for me. She will stop asking.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 24/11/2019 16:37

YANBU to end the arrangement. I'd just say you thought it was reciprocal and it clearly isn't as she is always busy whenever you ask her. Say whilst you like having her daughter, it is harder work having more children to look after and youd wrongly assumed that you would be getting your own child free time in return. As this isn't the case youd prefer not to continue to babysit every week

strawberry2017 · 24/11/2019 16:37

Wow some people really do take the piss don't they! I'm amazed at these stories especially the booking a holiday one!

Echobelly · 24/11/2019 16:38

I'd certainly never ask for such an arrangement if I couldn't reciprocate. It's difficult to get out of comfortably once started.... might be easiest just say there's some kind of change of circumstances and you can't commit to doing it every week?

Darkstar4855 · 24/11/2019 16:38

YANBU to feel annoyed.

YABU not to have an honest conversation with her about it before stopping the arrangement.

Lindy2 · 24/11/2019 16:39

Yes. I would absolutely expect the favour to be returned at least from time to time.

If the childcare favour isn't returned then I would expect appreciate gestures now and then such as spa vouchers, restaurant vouchers etc (whatever you're in to) as a thank you. Actual payment may cause issues but there are ways for people to say thank you and show they appreciated your help.

I would be telling her that the arrangements no longer works for you as you have other plans now on that particular day. She is a CF.

FinallyHere · 24/11/2019 16:39

If she’s a friend and you want to keep her as such, I wouldn’t go texting. I’d find a time to sit down with her over a cuppa and tell her that while having her DD has been no trouble, you can’t help notice that on the few occasions when you’ve asked her to help you, she hasn’t been available. See what she says, it could be revealing.

Wot @PuzzledObserver said ^

Swipe left for the next trending thread