Is there an unwritten agreement when you look after other people’s kids?

[Horcrux]

That you would expect them to return the favour once in a while?

I look after a friend’s child once a week so her and her dh can go do their hobbies. I don’t mind as their dd is no bother and she’s good friends with my dd who is same age, but I kind of thought without agreement with them, that if I needed childcare they would be very very accommodating in returning my favours every once in a while. I’ve been doing this for a yr now, and they’ve never looked after my dd.

For context, they are from the local area and have GPs and Siblings around so are in abundance of emergency or leisure childcare, she also works part time so had 2 days childfree every week. I have no family, a dh who works away a lot and I work full time, but I have a hobby. Something I only do when dh is home.

I have asked her if she could help me out a few of times in last 3 months and each time she’s said she’s busy, but both times she could have easily taken my dd along with her such as going for lunch at her parents house, who my dd know.

I think I’m becoming passive aggressive towards her and a little resentful and I’m close to telling her that I can no longer look after her dd each week. Particularly as I had an thing I was really looking forward to this week but dh ended up going back to work early. I asked her but she couldn’t help as she was picking up new rabbits with her dc, something my dd could have tagged on to. It’s kind of wound me up but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and she’s just completely oblivious.

I need you to tell me that I am being U and petty! As I’m about to text her to tell her that I can no longer look after her dd each week as I’m upset that I missed my thing.

But have a brought this on myself? I hate asking for favours which is why I hadn’t asked anyone else for help, I felt like she owed me, but now I resent her.

Aibu??

Faaaaarrrr better to be ‘confrontational’ (it’s not if you are polite, it’s called having enough respect for the other person to be honest) than to be passive-aggressive. Most people can smell passive aggression ten miles away and there is nothing more guaraneteed to rot a friendship.

I would have pushed it if I really needed the favour. Did you say look I really need to go to this appointment, can DD just tag along to look at rabbits, or whatever? You have to be very direct with CFs.

Yes, just stop doing it. Life's too short to be the one doing all the giving.

YABU that you expect her to take your DD to her parents for lunch other than that YANBU and deff don't look after her kid again

It's 4 weeks until Christmas week. Don't be a mug and fooled into minding CF's DD until the new year. 😂 There's lots of Christmas activities on at the weekends before Christmas. CF never reciprocate and will always have excuses. She didn't feel bad about refusing your requests so don't feel guilty about withdrawing free childcare. I can't believe she turns up at your house without asking - how presumptuous.

If your DD wants to have playdates with CF's DD, have them on CF's other days off. New year's resolution: invite other friends over and increase your DD's friendship group. Life is too short to be anyone's mug. CF is a user and this will never change.

@Horcrux
You are probably more chilled out and certainly more charitable about her than she perhaps deserves.
Just because you are the capable type doesn’t mean you should be taken advantage of .

The two examples you've given seem okay to me tbh. You can't just turn up with an extra person for lunch at someone else's house, and choosing a pet is a special occasion, I wouldn't want a friend there either.

However, she should be reciprocating your kindness. You know what days she's free, ask her to reciprocate one day a week in return so that you can do your hobby. Don't pick a day, ask "what's the best day for you to have DD so I can do whatever activity it is".

Act accordingly when you have her answer to the question.

I always have DD's (13) friends at my house. So many it looks like a youth club and I never get peace. There are very few weekends where I don't have at least a couple of them staying overnight. Recently I realised that my DD doesn't actually get inside her friends houses. If one pops in to get a coat etc, DD and anyone else is expected to wait outside.
They're not allowed to hang out at the friends houses and only one out of 8 kids has ever had DD over for a sleepover. It's nothing to do with DD as no other friends are allowed to hang out there either.
One of the mums was saying to me in conversation, "Oh yeah, I only let Jane out if I know she's coming to yours. I don't want her wandering around outside during winter evenings"

So she expects me to have her DD round but wouldn't host mine at all.

Now when DD says "Mum, can Jane and June sleep over?" I tell her no in front of them and then tell her "however, I give permission for you to stay over at theirs."

I never minded hosting DDs friends but it's a kick in the teeth when there's an outright refusal to reciprocate because they just "don't want" kids in their house.

OP, have you said anything yet?

It does sound like making excuses not to have DD. Probably not ok to have DD with parents. However rabbit collection sounds a bit suspect. However, if you give benefit of the doubt, it is special occasion or no room in the car.

However, there is a sure fire way to put to the test. Say you want to take up hobby and need someone to look after DD. Would if be ok for her to look after DD, similar arrangement to you looking after her DD? Let her pick the day. Surely she can’t have excuse for all days.

If she makes excuses say you can no longer look after her DD. That someone has agreed to look after your DD but needs you to reciprocate.

Quid pro quo

Of course you should expect her to return the favor sometimes.

I had a friend of DD1 over every school weeknight for almost 2 years. She did not like after school care. DD1 was invited out with the family on THREE occasions.
What made me see the light was when the mum turned up without her younger son in tow (having collected him from after school care).
Where is he?
Oh son was sick and his dad came home from work early to take him from school at lunch time.
The dad did not see it as his duty to then collect his daughter at end of school day.
I suddenly woke up and saw what a mug i'd been.
Mum stopped talking to me/her DD stopped playing with my DD1- seems it was all just for convenience.

Surprisingly never did the same for DD2!

She's quite frankly a lazy, selfish Cu**t

Your so being walked over .grow a backbone ,she’s a user

A mum from sports does me a huge favour and drives my DC to said sport as it starts way before I come back from work. I have repeatedly offered to do the pick up, but the mother likes to stay and I have only done it once. When I go to pick up my child , I always have something for the mother, a bread, a fougasse or a French tart , as a thank you and for Christmas, I will buy her something.

Can you break the habit and let her know you can’t do this week and see what happens. If you’re not very direct, you’re never going to do some of the suggestions on here.

OMG they're being cheeky fuxkers- nip it in the bud now otherwise you'll be a doormat for years to come

That's the problem with unwritten rules.
I have always had the view that fair exchange should be in play. With dd3 that's worked perfectly. She has 2 best friends. We all feel we can ask for a pick up or a sleepover or similar. With the older 2 I had every shade of c.f.

YANBU at all.

She is taking the piss but what about your daughters friendship?

My sons best friends mum years ago was a cf. He was always at ours in the holidays, weekends, after school. In school hols he often stayed over for several nights on the run without going home in between (just the odd call to ask mum if he could stay another night) would come with us camping, activities, shopping, cinema, days out to beach, picnic etc with us.

Reciprocation was pretty much nothing, can count on one hand the amount of times he had an afternoon/tea there.

To add to that it was usually me who picked up, dropped off, took him to get more clothes as he needed more clean ones.

I will say it didn't actually bother me at all. Because my son got so much out of it and the lad was no trouble whatsoever, I liked him and he fitted right in here with us, never any fall outs and he was an easy boy who was happy to fit in with whatever we were doing.

BUT I couldn't understand how she could be so cf about it all from her side. Still can't to this day. I think its very lazy parenting because they never did anything as a family, and I think she liked a tidy house with no kids in it. When that lad looks back on his childhood I am sure our family feature more in his 'doing stuff' memories than his own

Could you have a direct non PA conversation about reciprocating before just saying you can't do it anymore? Your daughter's friendship will be at risk if you don't use emotional intelligence and just follow some of the silly advice here.

@Vegancow

My best friend spent her childhood with us and all her lovely family memories were with us not hers. She thinks fondly of my mum and that lad will of you!

@Longfacenow

I would gently throw a spanner in the works by having appointments or things on when she normally needs you to have her DD so she realises that she cannot really rely on you for regular childcare. Text her to say 'sorry I cannot have DD I've this week because I have an appointment'. You need to reframe the relationship so she knows that you are happy to have her DD when it suits you not on a regular basis which is essentially childcare.

It actually depends on how close a friendship it is? If it's a friend that means a lot to your DD, it might be worth accepting that you're doing more than the friend's mum? I know it's very annoying, though.