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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there an unwritten agreement when you look after other people’s kids?

140 replies

Horcrux · 24/11/2019 16:23

That you would expect them to return the favour once in a while?

I look after a friend’s child once a week so her and her dh can go do their hobbies. I don’t mind as their dd is no bother and she’s good friends with my dd who is same age, but I kind of thought without agreement with them, that if I needed childcare they would be very very accommodating in returning my favours every once in a while. I’ve been doing this for a yr now, and they’ve never looked after my dd.

For context, they are from the local area and have GPs and Siblings around so are in abundance of emergency or leisure childcare, she also works part time so had 2 days childfree every week. I have no family, a dh who works away a lot and I work full time, but I have a hobby. Something I only do when dh is home.

I have asked her if she could help me out a few of times in last 3 months and each time she’s said she’s busy, but both times she could have easily taken my dd along with her such as going for lunch at her parents house, who my dd know.

I think I’m becoming passive aggressive towards her and a little resentful and I’m close to telling her that I can no longer look after her dd each week. Particularly as I had an thing I was really looking forward to this week but dh ended up going back to work early. I asked her but she couldn’t help as she was picking up new rabbits with her dc, something my dd could have tagged on to. It’s kind of wound me up but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and she’s just completely oblivious.

I need you to tell me that I am being U and petty! As I’m about to text her to tell her that I can no longer look after her dd each week as I’m upset that I missed my thing.

But have a brought this on myself? I hate asking for favours which is why I hadn’t asked anyone else for help, I felt like she owed me, but now I resent her.

Aibu??

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 24/11/2019 17:04

Just stop letting her use you. She has taken advantage for long enough. Before she's due to drop her dd off this week make sure to text her and tell her you're not available and that the arrangement isn't working for you anymore - no apologies. If she asks why then tell her these arrangements should really be a 2 way street and that she has never helped you out when you needed her. Fuck her - she's a complete CF as is her Dh.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 24/11/2019 17:04

I would text her as shes happy to let you have her child for a year but cant even reciprocate as a one off shes a cf .

Loveislandaddict · 24/11/2019 17:04

I would speak to your daughter first before ending the arrangement, explaining that you will still have friend over to play, but not on a weekly basis.

I also wouldn’t stop immediately. Christmas holidays are fast approaching, so maybe say that after Christmas you will no longer be providing the childcare,.

AdaFromYorkshire · 24/11/2019 17:07

Informal childcare should be reciprocated. I had a fantastic arrangement with a friend. We'd look after each other's once a week and were mutually available for emergencies. The children all loved it, we had agreements on food, discipline etc and even though the DC are all grown up they are still friends.

I agree with PPs, you need to stop it if it's so one sided.

Spied · 24/11/2019 17:07

Could it be that really she'd be happy to have your DD but her OH doesn't like other peoples' kids over? Either way one/both of them are cheeky fuckers as if that's the case they should not be bringing their DD to your door.
I'd definitely put a stop to it. I'd make a lame excuse up. Not like she can probe you on it! Say you are going to pick something up with your DD - just like she dies with you. If she can't take your DD with her then you not taking and accommodating hers.

Lizzie0869 · 24/11/2019 17:09

I agree with other PPs, that childcare between friends should be a reciprocal arrangement. I have a mum friend whose DDs are close to mine. It wouldn't occur to me not to have her DDs come here as well.

This mum isn't a friend, she's definitely a CF.

minipie · 24/11/2019 17:11

I do agree there should be reciprocity.

However, the examples you’ve chosen aren’t the best. She can’t just expect her parents to be ok with another non family child tagging along to lunch. And picking up rabbits may have involved large cages in the car etc so difficult to fit in an extra child.

How much notice are you giving her of you needing her help?

I would sit down with her and suggest you make it a more reciprocal, diarised thing - eg you look after her DC every Weds eve and she has yours every Thurs, that kind of thing. That way a) it makes the point you want it to be reciprocal, and b) everyone has enough notice to be available on the Weds/Thurs (or give plenty of warning if not).

Beautiful3 · 24/11/2019 17:13

Yes of course it should he reciprocated. Think you ought to start being too busy to baby sit for her. Shes no friend.

MaggieFS · 24/11/2019 17:18

It should be reciprocated but don't do the passive aggressive thing. If you've asked her outright and she's said no to helping you, next steps are either suck it up and carry on because your DD likes it, or front up and say it's not working for you, and as it's not a two way thing, you won't be able to have her DD any longer.

dontalltalkatonce · 24/11/2019 17:21

What Drum2018 said. These people never respond well to all these sit downs and chat with cuppas. Don't apologise or explain.

rookiemere · 24/11/2019 17:22

You need to speak to her directly. Yes there is an unspoken law that child caring favours should be reciprocal but if she doesn't know this and is taking your requests at face value then I can see why she's saying no based on the circumstances each time.

It would perhaps make more sense to ask for a set time for her to have your DD so she can plan for that.

If she says no to that then she's definitely a CF.

Dilkhush · 24/11/2019 17:23

I looked after a friends child once a week for a couple of years. My friend was doing a university course and it meant that our DCs could go to an after school activity together. I agreed with her right from the start that she would pay me, because I said that it would remove awkwardness or potential resentment since she couldn't reciprocate play dates during term time. It worked extremely well for us both because I had committed, e.g. even when my DS was ill I would collect hers from school, give him dinner and take him to the after school activity. Our DCs still had play dates in the holidays, with us more or less taking turns and no money changing hands.

Sounds as though your friend takes the piss.

filka · 24/11/2019 17:24

Favours should always be considered bankable to be recovered when the need arises. Not just childcare.

monkeymonkey2010 · 24/11/2019 17:25

I need you to tell me that I am being U and petty!
You're being a MUG!

I look after a friend’s child once a week so her and her dh can go do their hobbies.....she also works part time so had 2 days childfree every week

She's a user who found a victim she could exploit - you.
She knows she's taking the piss and her family probably won't tolerate that from her on a regular basis - especially when she actually HAS child-free time to do her hobbies.
If she insists on doing them with her husband, then it's THEIR responsibility top pay a childminder/babysitter.

She’s seen it all but is choosing to ignore and had come on with a different topic
There it is - she knows it's bothering you and is choosing to ignore you....but will happily carry on using you.

I can't believe you're wasting even more time pandering to her - just tell her straight that "it doesn't work for me anymore" and put a complete stop to the free childcare that you're doing for her.
Have you calculated how much money she's saved by using you as free childcare?

Phoebesgift · 24/11/2019 17:28

Agree you're being a mug.

eddielizzard · 24/11/2019 17:30

In my book it's an unspoken law. The people who don't reciprocate don't get included in my free childcare offers. It would be lovely to be generous to all and sundry, but when you start to feel resentful you know it's gone too far.

She's an idiot, because you've given a lot more than you've asked for, so she's just shot herself in the foot.

PepsiLola · 24/11/2019 17:31

I don't think she sees you as a friend as a friend would not ignore your moans on a group chat for one!

Monr0e · 24/11/2019 17:32

There's no point being passive aggressive, she's too thick skinned to car.

If you are not planning on meeting her 1-1 anytime soon I would send her a text.

Hi CF, hope you've all had a good weekend. Just giving you a heads up, I won't be able to have your DD on a weekly basis in the new year. I wanted to give you plenty of notice so you have enough time to sort out alternative childcare arrangements. See you soon! 🙂

Non confrontational, gives her time to find someone else and you are able to maintain the friendship with her DD

Or alternatively, piss off CF, find someone else to use.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/11/2019 17:34

This is why I never take friends up on the offer of babysitting because I don’t want to look after their kids, I’d rather an agency to babysit if I couldn’t rope in family

firstimemamma · 24/11/2019 17:34

No more childcare op, she's taking the piss!

A friend of mine recently had our 16 month old so we could go on a date. We turned up with thank you flowers and are always offering to have their child. That's what normal people do, your friend is being selfish.

BuildBuildings · 24/11/2019 17:35

She's a CF she's not going to respond to passive aggressive group messages if she hasn't felt the need to reciprocate child care.

GalactiCat · 24/11/2019 17:36

I would say in the whatsapp group...I'm planning a child free day/eve and am just seeing if 'insert time/day' is ok for you (tag CF friend) to have mine then. It must be your turn to reciprocate our arrangements? and end with a smiley face.
But then I'm childish like that.

Welliesandpyjamas · 24/11/2019 17:38

You need to let her arrive at an empty house next time she is on her way to her hobby.

Original poster
Horcrux · 24/11/2019 17:41

Haha @RuggerHug I’d never be able to say that!

@notnowmaybelater so you had her dc while she went home for a nap?!
Yeah, you’re right @notnowmaybelater, this might be the excuse I’ve needed as I have recently taken on more hours at work and actually, having a weekly commitment is quite draining, even if the commitment task itself isn’t draining.

No I haven’t @Eckhart, I might go down @HerRoyalNotness advice though saying that I need help every once in a while too.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 24/11/2019 17:42

CFs do not respond to passive aggressive and you will end up looking bad.

Just be straight - "the arrangement to have your DD every week is no longer working for me as you never support me when I ask you to look after our DD.Please make alternative arrangements from next week"

Straight and to the point and cannot be misinterpreted by anyone she shows the message to.