Is there an unwritten agreement when you look after other people’s kids?

[Horcrux]

That you would expect them to return the favour once in a while?

I look after a friend’s child once a week so her and her dh can go do their hobbies. I don’t mind as their dd is no bother and she’s good friends with my dd who is same age, but I kind of thought without agreement with them, that if I needed childcare they would be very very accommodating in returning my favours every once in a while. I’ve been doing this for a yr now, and they’ve never looked after my dd.

For context, they are from the local area and have GPs and Siblings around so are in abundance of emergency or leisure childcare, she also works part time so had 2 days childfree every week. I have no family, a dh who works away a lot and I work full time, but I have a hobby. Something I only do when dh is home.

I have asked her if she could help me out a few of times in last 3 months and each time she’s said she’s busy, but both times she could have easily taken my dd along with her such as going for lunch at her parents house, who my dd know.

I think I’m becoming passive aggressive towards her and a little resentful and I’m close to telling her that I can no longer look after her dd each week. Particularly as I had an thing I was really looking forward to this week but dh ended up going back to work early. I asked her but she couldn’t help as she was picking up new rabbits with her dc, something my dd could have tagged on to. It’s kind of wound me up but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and she’s just completely oblivious.

I need you to tell me that I am being U and petty! As I’m about to text her to tell her that I can no longer look after her dd each week as I’m upset that I missed my thing.

But have a brought this on myself? I hate asking for favours which is why I hadn’t asked anyone else for help, I felt like she owed me, but now I resent her.

Aibu??

@beminetonight yeah it’s an arrangement that she drops her off once a week at the same time for the same amount of time.

You really need to say no. I don't think you even need to give notice. Just text and say you can't have the DC tomorrow. Then tell her you're rethinking the arrangement because you don't ever get time for a hobby yourself. You don't need to give a reason.

I wouldn't dot he one to one chat over a cuppa thing - IME these kind of users people are very good at manipulating the conversation, making you feel bad - and before you know it you'll be apologising and offering to have her DD every evening

I'd just go for the 'this isn't working for me any more' text.

OP She will drop you as a "friend" as soon as you become of no use to her for childcare.I promise you that will happen,Do it swiftly and get it over with.
Sorry CF I am not free to have little matilda anymore due to other commitments I have just begun.
No explaining no nothing.Be done with it and follow her lead on what happens next.It will be her trying to make you feel guilty for dropping her in it with childcare issues or just being dumped.It will be one or the other .But what it won;t be is any form of thank yous for you looking after her child.
Can you guess how many times I have seen it all before?!!!

Yes @Bourbonbiccy that’s my worry.

I think as you have said your DD enjoys the arrangement, I would be inclined to leave as is. I think being all passive aggressive really only winds you up more rather then her.

Sorry if I have missed it, I get that she will have "picked up" on your comment but have you had a direct and frank conversation with her face to face explaining how you feel?

@cacklingmags that’s why I worry whether I’m being petty. My dd sees the girl once a week when at rainbows, they’re not in the same school.

I was thinking that @Loveislandaddict

I don’t need or want childcare though @minipie. Just the occasional times I’ve needed it, with at least a few day’s notice normally longer.

Thanks @Monr0e I may go down this route

Same here @OnlyFoolsnMothers, I hate asking for a favours and have very very rarely asked people who are not family to look after my dc. I’ve recently been looking for a paid babysitter as I daren’t ask friends to help. But then I wonder why I’m looking after other people’s kids regularly

it’s an arrangement that she drops her off once a week at the same time for the same amount of time

Kinda reminds me of men who have a set routine of hogging the toilet at the same time every day/week and taking the same length of time each time to have a shit and read the paper.........

She is a massive CF!
YANBU op

I think at this point I would need to be honest and tell her I was feeling resentful over he amount of childcare I provided for her when she has said no to every request I've made of her.

This ^

I don't prescribe to the train of thought that there has to be turn and turn about when you either invite a child round to play, or even when you are able to offer someone a lift or whatever that they can't reciprocate BUT this isn't that situation. She could have helped, in the examples you mentioned, and doesn't, even though she's expecting you to be unpaid childcare for her dd every week.

She needs to be told.

Stop. Now. If she asks why - tell her honestly.

I'd have stopped the first time she refused to return the favour.

You're all wound up that you're 'being petty' when this gal is using the fuck out of you without a second thought. You're still swithering about not telling her to sling her hook. She doesn't give a toss about you. She's a user. 'I've increased my hours at work and won't be available for childcare anymore at all. Thanks for understanding.x'

Sorted.

Jesus why are you being such a mug?

Stop the arrangement immediately as you clearly won’t address it with the parents and say you expected some reciprocal childcare considering this is so they can do their hobby.

Completely unfair.

Be brave and have a discussion about it. She owes you so much in childcare time.

Agree my daughters best friend has been round our house, taken out for a meal and still no invite to return the favour

The second you start feeling resentful is the time to end the free childcare

you are both BU

yes, she should absolutely reciprocate

but both times she could have easily taken my dd along with her such as going for lunch at her parents house
what makes you think her parents would want to host for some random kid? You are BU there, that's was a very reasonable reason not to babysit your child.

I think it's beyond shitty of anyone to do this! For fuck sake what is the world coming to.

I personally wouldn't bother wasting my energy constructing a message to the user. If she still has the brass neck to drop her dd off this week after saying no to you again then I'd tell her face to face, "sorry this arrangement no longer works for me". And if she demanded an explanation I'd ask if she honestly felt it was acceptable to take weekly child care from you and refuse once in a blue moon requests.

Really shitty of her.

Some people are vile. I'd take great pleasure in fucking up something that she was looking forward to.

Yeah you’re right I won’t @ActualHornist. I didn’t think I was being taken advantage for until I needed help myself and it wasn't reciprocated. I’d rather just nip it in the bud

Send the cf an invoice for the last year's child care...

Is this one of those threads where someone posts a onesided and unfair arrangement, usually coupled with an example of being substantially inconvenienced, then wrings hands for 20 pages before drip feeding text conversations which wind people up further?

Bonus points if you make it to 2 threads. Introducing funny names for bit players also optional.

Apologies if this isn't your intention OP but It sure seems like it when you haven't sent a quick text saying " Hi, as of next week we can't have xxx over on x-day any more".

End of story.

"I’ve recently been looking for a paid babysitter as I daren’t ask friends to help."

Ask CF in good time
If she refuses, then same day text her "from next week, I can no longer look after littleCF"
You won't need to give the reason

Your Dc isnt even at the same school? You send a passive aggressive message out on Whats app expecting CF to see the light. Does your DD see any of her school friends or is your spare time taken up every weekend by this DC who she happens to go to a club with? Stop with the passive messaging whats app. If your pissed off and want to stop the 'arrangement' then tell her

Why not say “as I’m looking after your dd on Tuesdays after school I’m presuming you want to look after my dd one day after school to reciprocate. Which day would suit best?

If she “doesn’t know” then ask her to let you know before Tuesday (or whatever day you have her dd). That should sharpen her mind. If no word by Monday phone and ask if she’s still wanting to leave her dd with you on Tuesdays and if so what day does she want to look after both girls on. If she still doesn’t know tell her that’s fine. When you have a day sorted you can let me know at which point I’d be happy to watch your dd again. Tomorrow however I’m taking mine to her grans alone. Thanks. Bye.

You may find that she has five mums a week looking after her kid a day each so she can work!

I would just text, "Hi, I'm really sorry but I can no longer look after x, as I have a lot going on."