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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there an unwritten agreement when you look after other people’s kids?

140 replies

Horcrux · 24/11/2019 16:23

That you would expect them to return the favour once in a while?

I look after a friend’s child once a week so her and her dh can go do their hobbies. I don’t mind as their dd is no bother and she’s good friends with my dd who is same age, but I kind of thought without agreement with them, that if I needed childcare they would be very very accommodating in returning my favours every once in a while. I’ve been doing this for a yr now, and they’ve never looked after my dd.

For context, they are from the local area and have GPs and Siblings around so are in abundance of emergency or leisure childcare, she also works part time so had 2 days childfree every week. I have no family, a dh who works away a lot and I work full time, but I have a hobby. Something I only do when dh is home.

I have asked her if she could help me out a few of times in last 3 months and each time she’s said she’s busy, but both times she could have easily taken my dd along with her such as going for lunch at her parents house, who my dd know.

I think I’m becoming passive aggressive towards her and a little resentful and I’m close to telling her that I can no longer look after her dd each week. Particularly as I had an thing I was really looking forward to this week but dh ended up going back to work early. I asked her but she couldn’t help as she was picking up new rabbits with her dc, something my dd could have tagged on to. It’s kind of wound me up but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and she’s just completely oblivious.

I need you to tell me that I am being U and petty! As I’m about to text her to tell her that I can no longer look after her dd each week as I’m upset that I missed my thing.

But have a brought this on myself? I hate asking for favours which is why I hadn’t asked anyone else for help, I felt like she owed me, but now I resent her.

Aibu??

OP posts:
Mammatino · 24/11/2019 16:41

Yanbu. She's a user.

Instagrump · 24/11/2019 16:42

I'm with everyone here. Put a stop to the arrangement. You don't need to fall out over it, just tell her it's no longer working for you. Unless you're not bothered about losing the friendship. If that's the case, cancel the arrangement and sodding well tell the CFer why!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/11/2019 16:43

YANBU favours are or rather should be two way street. If you act like a doormat you’ll be treated like one. Just tell her straight that either she scratches your back like you scratch hers’ or The arrangement stops.

Original poster
Horcrux · 24/11/2019 16:45

If it suits you, look after her DD - I know my DD is easier when she has a friend over.
If it doesn't suit you, don't do it, because you're getting nothing back in return. Not that I think we should only do things when we get something back, but you've needed help and it's not been forthcoming, so they're being CF's.

This is how I’ve always thought @MustShowDH. It’s no bother and my dd gets something out of it, but after this last time of me asking I am starting to wonder whether I want to anymore

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 24/11/2019 16:45

Yep totally CFery and needs to stop now, tell her straight away so she can hopefully connect the two things in her mind and realise what a CF she is.

beminetonight · 24/11/2019 16:45

YANBU. They are CFers of the highest order.
Text her that as of this week you can no longer look after her dd. No reason has to be given.
Do this. ^ Let her find some other way.

Ginseng1 · 24/11/2019 16:45

Can't believe that. Honestly how can she think that's OK & then never help you out ever?

Original poster
Horcrux · 24/11/2019 16:46

Haha, yes @Majorcollywobble good idea!

See I’m not sure whether I’m just more chilled out than her that I can handle another child when out and about and she’s just someone who struggles with the idea.

OP posts:
champagneandfromage50 · 24/11/2019 16:46

you look after her DD every week to allow them to do there hobby and they have never once recipricated? They are seeing you as free chidlcare and i have no doubt when you say you are no longer doing it they will get angry as they in there heads think your hired help minus the pay....wouldnt have put up with it and surprised you have accepted this especially as they have declined when you have asked for help

blueluce85 · 24/11/2019 16:49

1000% stop! Only have her child over when it is at the express request of your DD, any other time for a favour to CF is a big fat no!

Bourbonbiccy · 24/11/2019 16:49

The thing is though, if you did discontinue the arrangement would it be your own daughter who looses out on seeing her friend so that you can prove a point ?

WhereverIMayRoam · 24/11/2019 16:49

You’re not being unreasonable or petty in any way and yes, there is an expectation that these things are reciprocal. It doesn’t have to be exactly like for like but there’s no way you make use of somebody else for childcare knowing full well you don’t plan to return the favour. It’s pretty clear she doesn’t intend to!

You could talk to her and point it out as pps have suggested but I struggle to believe anyone is genuinely that oblivious. I think this is one of those “all take, no give” friends and if you don’t put a stop to it you’re going to end up seething with resentment and probably snap at her at the wrong moment. Tell her the arrangement no longer works for you.

supersop60 · 24/11/2019 16:50

YANBU. A chat would be a good idea, before you go down the 'it doesn't work for me anymore' route.

Spacecudet · 24/11/2019 16:52

Yes, friends definitely should reciprocate favours. I have a friend who babysits for me, and we take it in turns, so it doesn't feel like one of us is taking the mickey. Another friend babysits and doesn't have children so we invite her over for dinner. I would feel like someone was taking advantage if I was helping them out and they didn't return the favour.

CookPassBabtridge · 24/11/2019 16:53

Gosh even if you needed her to have your dd every week like you have hers, she should be open to that as it'd be equal. But you are only asking for every now and then.. she is a total cheeky fucker. I would text her and give her a chance to change and then stop if she doesn't. Don't be taken advantage of.

Original poster
Horcrux · 24/11/2019 16:53

@Peasplease21 I was worried that that would be cheeky or confrontational 🙈

That’s awful @changeforprivacy, not a friend at all really.
This person is a friend as we meet up to do a sport maybe once a month with others. We meet up for family outings a few times in the summer too, but we’re not close close.

I think it’s just become a habit, she drops her dd off says hello/goodbye. That’s it. Her dd just plays with dd or watches telly, I don’t feed her ir even interact much more than hello. They’re 9.

But I am not a confrontational person, yes it would be best for us to talk about it but actually I’m just going to be a chicken and text her with an excuse.

Thanks for replies as I thought I was being U for bring it on myself

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 24/11/2019 16:54

In the main I'd say yanbu. However if she's having lunch at her parents then I would say yabu. I think it's quite rude to expect that she should be able to tag along to the parents uninvited by them

champagneandfromage50 · 24/11/2019 16:56

Bourbonbiccy why should stopping a weekly arrangement be to the detriment of OP DD? All OP is planning to do is end the weekly arrangement. There is no reason why they cant have occasional play dates after school or she can get different friends over as the day is now freed up.

Original poster
Horcrux · 24/11/2019 16:57

Yes @Bourbonbiccy that’s my worry.

I’ve just had a little rant on a whatsapp group with friends, which was totally passive aggressive as she’s on there. I was just going on about how it’s annoying having a dh who works away and rarely getting time to myself. She’s seen it all but is choosing to ignore and had come on with a different topic.

OP posts:
RuggerHug · 24/11/2019 16:59

Yanbu. Tell her it doesn't work any more.

However, I'd be tempted to add I couldn't watch her daughter on Thursdays(or whenever) because I was starting a course/hobby/class. When asked what about DD respond 'I'm paying a babysitter obviously, I'm not going to expect someone else to take her every week so I can do something fun and not pay them in some way.

notnowmaybelater · 24/11/2019 17:03

Having a friend of your DC's around a lot is totally different to doing childcare, and childcare should be reciprocated.

I live having my kids' friends here but I'd hate being tied into a childcare arrangement.

If a friend is over to play you can return them if they become a pita - you can't if you're doing childcare.

If you want to take just your DC to the cinema or to visit sick great aunt after her hip replacement you just casually say no to the friend who asks to come over and play, but if it's a childcare arrangement you have to apologise to the parents for letting them down, or reschedule or take the extra child along.

If the other parent isn't reciprocating I'd start inviting the child to play at other random times but stop being available for the taken for granted child are slot every time. Just do it sometimes and cancel others, so they can't take you for granted given they clearly feel no obligation to reciprocate at all.

I had this for the first time with a friend of dc3 when he was at preschool and I only worked 3 mornings and 2 evenings. His friend's mum Worked with a capital W. Poor woman was so stressed when preschool wasn't open for lunch plus afternoon sessions (which happened regularly as they often closed after the morning for staff training). I said don't worry, I don't work afternoons, I'll have him when preschool 's closed.

After doing that at least 6 or 7 times her son started being quite domineering and nasty to mine and it became quite hard work, but I thought I was helping his mum out. The loathing I felt when I needed to take one of my older children to an important medical appointment and asked if she could see about getting the afternoon off this one time - oh she said, she finished at 1 anyway but couldn't take my dc3 because she's so shattered after work and needs a bit of quiet down time before picking her own child up let alone anyone else's, so sorry, no...

Bugger worked the same hours as me the whole time, minus the evenings... Angry

Some people are CF...

Eckhart · 24/11/2019 17:03

Have you actually spoken to her about it?

HerRoyalNotness · 24/11/2019 17:03

I hAve a friend who is very insistent on being fair when she asks me favours, so if I have her Dc overnight she’ll babysit for me a few times. After reading this thread I can see why she is so insistent, even though it’s only occasionally and I don’t mind at all!

I think before cancelling the arrangement send a text just to say that you could really do with some help from time to time as well in exchange so that you can do your hobby when your DH is away or just to have a break now and then.

beminetonight · 24/11/2019 17:03

How does she arrange to drop off her DD? Does she just show up at the house? You need to be less available. She's not much of a friend if it's always for her benefit and she never helps you out. With Christmas coming it is the perfect excuse to stop this arrangement. Your friendship shouldn't rely on you providing her with free childcare. Most CFers FO if there's nothing in it for them once they're rumbled.

cacklingmags · 24/11/2019 17:03

Thing is your DD may really enjoy having her friend to play with. To me this is more important than the blatant cheeky fuckery of this selfish woman. When my kid was young I worked from home and my house was often full of kids, many sleepovers etc. There were some terrible CFs among their parents, but my (only child) absolutely loved it and really benefited from all that company