Is there an unwritten agreement when you look after other people’s kids?

[Horcrux]

That you would expect them to return the favour once in a while?

I look after a friend’s child once a week so her and her dh can go do their hobbies. I don’t mind as their dd is no bother and she’s good friends with my dd who is same age, but I kind of thought without agreement with them, that if I needed childcare they would be very very accommodating in returning my favours every once in a while. I’ve been doing this for a yr now, and they’ve never looked after my dd.

For context, they are from the local area and have GPs and Siblings around so are in abundance of emergency or leisure childcare, she also works part time so had 2 days childfree every week. I have no family, a dh who works away a lot and I work full time, but I have a hobby. Something I only do when dh is home.

I have asked her if she could help me out a few of times in last 3 months and each time she’s said she’s busy, but both times she could have easily taken my dd along with her such as going for lunch at her parents house, who my dd know.

I think I’m becoming passive aggressive towards her and a little resentful and I’m close to telling her that I can no longer look after her dd each week. Particularly as I had an thing I was really looking forward to this week but dh ended up going back to work early. I asked her but she couldn’t help as she was picking up new rabbits with her dc, something my dd could have tagged on to. It’s kind of wound me up but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and she’s just completely oblivious.

I need you to tell me that I am being U and petty! As I’m about to text her to tell her that I can no longer look after her dd each week as I’m upset that I missed my thing.

But have a brought this on myself? I hate asking for favours which is why I hadn’t asked anyone else for help, I felt like she owed me, but now I resent her.

Aibu??

I would ask her straight out to have your DD once a week while you do your hobby. If she says no, discontinue the arrangement and make sure she knows why.

Get yourself out of this arrangement ASAP as from my own (continuing) experience, it is VERY difficult to get out of.

I would just text, "Hi, I'm really sorry but I can no longer look after x, as I have a lot going on."

I actually think this text is perfect.

I've been caught like this in the past.

How about "I am no longer able to do this on a regular basis. As you've been unable to help me out on the odd occasions that I needed it, I need to start doing favours for people who are prepared to reciprocate the arrangement." Although I'm not sure the younger me would have the guts.

What Deadringer said. Make sure she actually joins the dots!

I would have a honest conversation with her, especially if your dd enjoys it very much when her freind comes over to play.

Yes the mum is a cheeky cow but also this wasn't the agreement, if you wanted a certain amount of days back it's really important to say that from the start. If anyone else asks you make sure you say "I don't mind having x on Tuesday after school and then you can cover for me when I need childcare".
The thing is how will you child feel if you now decide her friend isn't coming over to play anymore? I think you should speak to daughter first and explain what x won't be coming anymore and see how that conversation goes.

She mightn't see it as childcare, more a playdate that her dd and yours enjoy. Instead of asking as things come up, say to her that as her dd comes to your place once a week it would be great if she could have your dd over as well. That's it. No need to over-analyse the times she has said no, or to cut your dd off from hers or any of the shades of drama suggested here.

I have Definitly got the T-shirt on this one. This happened to me and I was easily sucked in. I started out as a simple request to grab her DD at sch if she didn’t get their in time. And from their It went to me picking up her DD and taking her to mine till she collected her at 6pm. Never once did my DD get invited to hers. Never once when I got stuck with an emergency at home did she offer to take or collect my DD. I tried to casually say things but she was thick skinned and I was naive and didn’t want a confrontation. It came to a head when I was in hospital and my DH collected our DD and hers and she had a go at me as she didn’t in her words « want a stranger to collect her « That was it. My DH and I said you can get her yourself then !! Do not make the same mistake as me. Tell her You are not prepare to be a child minder any more.

If you feel like you don’t want to just say ‘no’, just say that you and DD have decided to take up a parent and child XXX class. DS and I used to do parent and child MMA and my sister takes her daughter to parent and child ballet.

Obviously the class needs to be on the same day as their hobby or it’s a pretty rubbish excuse 😂😂

But why make up excuses? The OP is under absolutely no obligation to watch this child every week. If she doesn't want to do it any more, she should just say no. She can still do an occasional play date, but a regular thing is too much commitment.

Terrible advice to lie.

A direct conversation is needed.

OP,
Did it really not niggle at you that, although you look after her child weekly, she refused to oblige you?

I find that extraordinary.

I am sorry to say you are a mug and she is a complete CF.

I would send a text that "it no longer suits".

No lies. It no longer suits.

Going forward only help those whom you can ask to help you.

💐

What a CF!