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AIBU?

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Original poster

To get rid of DD's bedroom

175 replies

hedgehug · 24/11/2019 14:18

Oldest DD is in her mid twenties, she moved out nearly 7 years ago and is living in a different part of the UK. I currently live in quite a big 4 bedroom house, 3 bedrooms for my two younger DDs snd I and my oldest DD's old bedroom that she still uses when she comes to stay. Which is only really at Christmas and the occasional few days here and there. I'm wanting to move next year and I'm considering moving to a smaller house, 3 bedrooms so that younger DD's still have their own rooms. Oldest DD isn't happy because she won't have her own bedroom anymore. I can see why it might be annoying around Christmas, she usually stays for about a month and the bedroom is useful during that time but it's hardly used the rest of the year. We would have figure out a new arrangement for her coming to stay but I think it could work

OP posts:
howabout · 24/11/2019 17:03

Depends. If you can wait 5 years till DD2 is off to Uni then you may decide you want something smaller than you are planning and will make a better long term decision.

My DM still has the "family home". Neither me nor DBro have lived in it for 30 years. It is too small for me to visit with my family in tow and would be absolutely bursting if DBro turned up at the same time. She has left it too late to downsize to something which actually suits a single woman in her retirement years and would be closer to the centre of town for visiting teenage grandchildren using public transport.

LensGlans · 24/11/2019 17:04

@venusandmars Your DH needs to understand that women are more in need of private spaces than men. It is right that the two sisters have claim to the bedrooms.

cacklingmags · 24/11/2019 17:10

My youngster is 28, and comes home for about 6 weeks every year. They have their own bedroom and always will. Life can be hard for young people and its good for them to know that they have their own safe place in their family home, should they need it.

happytobemrsg · 24/11/2019 17:15

My parents keep a spare from so any of their kids know there is a room there if we need it (very handy when my sister went through a messy divorce). I feels good knowing I have somewhere to go. Just reassure DD that one of the rooms will have a sofa bed etc just for her for when she stays

Ponoka7 · 24/11/2019 17:19

She can have her bedroom as long as she'll sign a contract that says that she will continue the month long visit at Christmas for the whole term of the mortgage.

spacepyramid · 24/11/2019 17:23

@lensglans Your DH needs to understand that women are more in need of private spaces than men. It is right that the two sisters have claim to the bedrooms.

Why?

howabout · 24/11/2019 17:27

@lensglans Your DH needs to understand that women are more in need of private spaces than men. It is right that the two sisters have claim to the bedrooms.

Completely the opposite. My DH is the eldest and the only son. We have always suffered from this. DiLs need way way more privacy from their MiL and Sils (in my case all 4 of them) than my MiL and SiLs need from each other.

I assumed the comment was tongue in cheek.

CravingCheese · 24/11/2019 17:34

There's no reason to keep her room, no.

But.... She stays a month for Christmas and on other occasions as well?
If you want that to continue you'll need to provide her with a comfortable space.

I would not sleep on a sofa bed (in the sitting room I'd assum) for a month. Absolutely not.
And I'm not sure I'd choose the room share for an extended time either... (depends on who I have to share a room with, obviously. DH? Yes. Somebody else? Eh...)

But then again, I'm married. And your dd may very well be in a relationship where she shouldn't want to be without her DP for a month / on Christmas.

But that's simply life, isn't it

MerryDeath · 24/11/2019 17:36

assuming she's got a stable adult life YANBU she can't expect to just keep it on standby indefinitely

monkeymonkey2010 · 24/11/2019 17:37

she moved out nearly 7 years ago
Therefore she no longer HAS a bedroom all to herself because she doesn't bloody live there!

Where on earth did she get this sense of entitlement from?
Does she rent out a big house with enough bedrooms for the rest of her family to have a room each on the odd occasions that they visit?
Maybe you should suggest she do that first if she truly believes that you downsizing based on your household needs is 'unfair'.

My elder sister was a similarly entitled twat and we'd end up in physical fights because she though she could turf me out of my room whenever she stayed over (just cos it used to be her room before she moved out).

Alternatively, calculate what an extra bedroom costs you in terms of mortgage, utilities, cleaning, furnishing etc and then bill her monthly for it......if she wants a room reserved specifically for her then she can pay the reservation fees.

I hope your other dc are not absorbing her entitled attitude?

lilgreen · 24/11/2019 17:38

Of course, she’s moved out!

stuffedpeppers · 24/11/2019 17:38

Have to say I went to University in September and by Xmas my brother has moved into my room. There was no discussion and it was just delivered to me. My parents were so fair on everything else and I always felt like I never had my space again.

Childish i know but evern now it irks me!!

Whe we all gather for Xmas - my brother says he is going to his room, which in my mind is still mine!!

lilgreen · 24/11/2019 17:39

@stuffed so what happened to your brother’s old room?

Redglitter · 24/11/2019 17:43

Me and DH's still have our bedroom downstairs in the dining room. We now have 2 empty 'shrine' bedrooms upstairs and neither DD is eager to relinquish their childhood bedroom

Why on earth do they get to call the shots??

HavelockVetinari · 24/11/2019 17:43

If you can afford it I'd get 4 beds - not just because of your eldest DD, but because in future if you have grandchildren you'll need space for them all to stay!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 24/11/2019 17:43

When I moved out my bedroom became the dining room. My brothers room is the study and my sisters bedroom is now the bathroom. Mum has changed the family home a lot over the years, its barely the same home a grew up in. They plan to sell it eventually. It'll be sad to see it go but its mum and stepdads house so they do what they want.

nachthexe · 24/11/2019 17:43

We offered to move the bedrooms round when dd1 left but no one wanted to move ‘up’. Ds1 is off travelling next year (he’s currently at home but working) and has no idea that we are emptying the basement (that is currently one large space that is essentially his) to finally get it renovated and decorated while he is away. He’ll still have a room at one end when he gets back, but the rest will be usable by everyone else. It will be much better for him as well, but he finds the process of change really difficult. As long as it’s done and he hasn’t had to live/ work through it, he’s fine.
This will ultimately prepare the way for it to be more of a guest space once they start bringing partners/ families. (We’ll actually be walling two bedrooms in.) That should free up dd2’s bedroom upstairs for an office Grin.
I don’t intend to keep shrines, but we won’t downsize. At the moment we play musical bedrooms for two months a year when the ILs visit, so ideally we want to get to the point where all the same people can come and stay (including any add-ons) and it doesn’t necessitate moving personal items and hot-bedding. Currently when they come, all our upstairs kids relinquish their rooms and crash in the basement on bunks/ sofa beds, but there is zero privacy with no separating walls.

venusandmars · 24/11/2019 17:47

@LensGlans actually I'm a woman too...

lilgreen · 24/11/2019 17:51

When you’re an adult and you visit people, you don’t expect to be put up in style! You either sleep in a temporary bed/sofa bed/floor or you pay for your accommodation in a hotel.

lilgreen · 24/11/2019 17:52

Children become adults and need to act like one!

GrumpyHoonMain · 24/11/2019 17:56

No she doesn’t live with you, so doesn’t get an opinion. It’s ridiculous taking her into consideration when she only comes down during Christmas. I wouldn’t even make the younger girls share - she should have the couch.

gamerchick · 24/11/2019 17:58

Me and DH's still have our bedroom downstairs in the dining room. We now have 2 empty 'shrine' bedrooms upstairs and neither DD is eager to relinquish their childhood bedroom

Wouldn't be me. Middle kid has moved out and he knows that as soon as his took everything I'm gutting it for myself. Sooner if he doesn't get a move on.

Vanhi · 24/11/2019 18:00

I personally, think my home will also be open and available to our son. If I can, I will always have a room for him.

There's a difference between making your home available, and keeping their bedroom as theirs. I went to uni at 18 and my mum moved lodgers into my room. I still stayed during holidays but quite often I was on a sofa bed in the living room. When I was 25 my parents moved to another country and although there is a guest bedroom it is just that, it isn't my room but there is a place for me to stay.

I think it's great for adult children to know their parents will always welcome them home, but I don't think they need their own dedicated bedroom. It's just a waste of space.

CravingCheese · 24/11/2019 18:01

so what happened to your brother’s old room?

I'd assume that the brother used to share a room with an other sibling(or other family member). But got his own room when stuffedpeppers moved out... But I may be wrong.

LensGlans · 24/11/2019 18:07

She can stay in a B&B if she doesn't want to sleep on the sofa, @CravingCheese.

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