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AIBU?

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Original poster

To get rid of DD's bedroom

175 replies

hedgehug · 24/11/2019 14:18

Oldest DD is in her mid twenties, she moved out nearly 7 years ago and is living in a different part of the UK. I currently live in quite a big 4 bedroom house, 3 bedrooms for my two younger DDs snd I and my oldest DD's old bedroom that she still uses when she comes to stay. Which is only really at Christmas and the occasional few days here and there. I'm wanting to move next year and I'm considering moving to a smaller house, 3 bedrooms so that younger DD's still have their own rooms. Oldest DD isn't happy because she won't have her own bedroom anymore. I can see why it might be annoying around Christmas, she usually stays for about a month and the bedroom is useful during that time but it's hardly used the rest of the year. We would have figure out a new arrangement for her coming to stay but I think it could work

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 24/11/2019 15:33

She's an adult and needs to get over it.

I'm all for parents supporting adult children, but keeping a room for them just in case when they're independent adults is ridiculous.

Getoffmylilo · 24/11/2019 15:34

My mother moved a lodger in the day after I left! As long as she's got somewhere nice to sleep it'll be fine.

TheBeesKnee · 24/11/2019 15:34

I can't get past her staying for A MONTH over Christmas - do you live in a different country, or something?

It all sounds rather bizarre and she doesn't sound like a 25-27 year old if she still wants a room at mum's place. Is she childish in other ways?

Nanny0gg · 24/11/2019 15:36

It's your house.

Sell it, rearrange it, do what you like with it.

Your DC has her own home now. She cannot dictate what you do.

Dilkhush · 24/11/2019 15:37

If you do this she won't stay for a month at Christmas any more. Which may or may not be what you want.

Elbeagle · 24/11/2019 15:37

Well I’m 35 and in an ideal world would still like a room at my dads house, so we could go and visit more often. As it is we pay for a hotel so can visit less. Nothing to do with being childlike, I’d just prefer to be able to see him more often.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 24/11/2019 15:38

My dh and I went on holiday just before we moved into our first home... We were only away a week, returned to find his parents had turned his room into a home office and packed his stuff for us 😂 my parents waited until we bought our first house before turning my room into a dressing room, so about a year later.
Sil is moving out after Christmas and they have plans for her room.
My brother didn't return uni and his room became the guestroom, and his stuff is packed up ready for when he gets his own place (living in America for work) mum and dad sold the house last year and now have a 2 bed flat.

Elbeagle · 24/11/2019 15:38

Obviously I haven’t kicked off about it though!

WeirdCatLady · 24/11/2019 15:42

I think my mother changed my bedroom the afternoon that I moved out 😳 That was a bit quick for me but seven years? Bloody hell!

Pomley · 24/11/2019 15:42

I felt a bit weird when my parents repurposed my room, but I didn't begrudge them doing it, and I'm glad they did for their sake; it was silly to have a room for me even though I wasn't there much. I think you're being perfectly reasonable, it's not even like she has just moved out.

theEnglishInPatient · 24/11/2019 15:42

It all sounds rather bizarre and she doesn't sound like a 25-27 year old if she still wants a room at mum's place. Is she childish in other ways?

I am middle-aged with kids, and a mortgage, and still have a bedroom in my parents house. Does that make me childish? Grin

spacepyramid · 24/11/2019 15:44

I've always told my adult DCs that, if at all possible, they will always have a roof over their heads at my house. I want them to know that if the shit hits the fan that they are not stuck, they have somewhere to go. That might be their own room, it might be a shared room but they will always have a bed to sleep in here or wherever I move to. Maybe it's different in my culture to most people in the UK.

kateandme · 24/11/2019 15:45

yes i understand why she feels like that.i would too.
its always home.and its always the nicest feeling to know you still have a hom or a place to go to where no matter what your wanted and placed.
mum and dad have kept ours.my dad now uses the elsests as an office but as soon as shes home hes out.and christmas we have our own places back.and yeh i thank them and love them for it.
its all part of chrismtas coming home and dumping our shit in the rooms again.
but if you need to move for whatever reason just sit and talk to her about it.like a adult but like a child of yours (and i ue the term child because that is what we call people we gie birth to no matter what the age before someone shouts shes an adult!)so you lov her and want her to come whenever she needs and wants to but you have got to downsize.then cmoe up with ways to sort it when she is home.
perhaps even buy her sheets or whatever.and invite her to the new place show her she is still wanted and needed.
it might sound soppy and rediculous but its not.the feeling of placment and home is the biggest strength to people.
there isnt an age limit of when you stop needing that.so just tell her that.tell her wherever your new home is is where she will always have a place.what is it on here about when you become a certain age or adult you must cut of feeling and just be on your own,man up and never ever ever need your parents !

LensGlans · 24/11/2019 15:49

I don't see why she needs to stay at yours for an entire month over Christmas, surely a week should be enough? Does she not have any friends or responsibilities where she lives, OP? People her age should be having fun and doing their own thing, not running back to mummy like a child.

00100001 · 24/11/2019 15:50

@spacepyramid "I've always told my adult DCs that, if at all possible, they will always have a roof over their heads at my house"

None of us would see our kids homeless...Hmm

But to keep a bedroom for adult off spring that have lived away from home for decades is ridiculous.

Have a spare room, sure...but keeping their rooms just for them is bonkers.

kateandme · 24/11/2019 15:52

spacepyramid no i think you sound great and your kids will be better for you! and i think its actually growing up in a household like that that actually stops certain moments and shit hitting fans.they have a strength and a place others haven't had the privilege of.

daisypond · 24/11/2019 15:52

My children will always have a roof over their heads at mine and a place to come home to, but that doesn’t mean a room of their own - which they’ve never had anyway.

spacepyramid · 24/11/2019 15:52

@00100901 you'd be surprised! But yes, I know what you mean. Not every DC knows that they'd be welcome though, mine have been told that.

Aragog · 24/11/2019 15:53

If I had anyone, let alone my dd, staying for a month at a time I would try, If at all possible, to have a spare room. Not necessarily set up just for that child, but as a spare room set up for all visitors, and depending on room size with dual use as a study or similar.

Bourbonbiccy · 24/11/2019 15:55

I think if you need to downsize for financial reasons then obviously it's a need, I personally, think my home will also be open and available to our son.
If I can, I will always have a room for him.

kateandme · 24/11/2019 15:55

LensGlans really? what makes her being at home for 1 week a month or even 3 months means she isnt responsible. or doesnt have a good life with friends at her own home. what a ridiculous thing to say and there is no link as to why someone hasnt a good fun time otherwsie.nor is it running back to mummy.it liking being with her mum.good on her to have that relationship

itssquidstella · 24/11/2019 15:57

My mum moved house the summer I graduated from uni. I moved back in for a few months whilst I was applying for permanent jobs back in my university town, but the room I had in the new house was never really 'mine'. As soon as I moved out permanently, a few months after graduation, my brother moved into the room
I'd been using; when he moved out, it became a guest room.

I feel very welcome at my mum's and I know I can go and stay with her whenever I like; I don't need a special room to make me feel that way! Your daughter needs to get over herself and move on...

Oakmaiden · 24/11/2019 15:57

I can see her point.

Having "her room" at your house is obviously unnecessary, but having a spare room that she can use would be nice. But, obviously, not everyone can afford a house with a spare room for guests, and if that is the case, you do what you need to.

I don't visit my parents as often as I would like to as, with 3 children, there really isn't enough room. It is sad, but it is what it is.

Aragog · 24/11/2019 16:00

I don't see why she needs to stay at yours for an entire month over Christmas, surely a week should be enough

some people do lengthy visits home, or to others. Depends on where they live and their circumstances.

My sil's mum comes to stop for a month at a time, maybe once a year. It works for all concerned. Why should this be curtailed to a week?

Velveteenfruitbowl · 24/11/2019 16:01

YANBU but surely having a spare bedroom is useful?