To get rid of DD's bedroom

[hedgehug]

Oldest DD is in her mid twenties, she moved out nearly 7 years ago and is living in a different part of the UK. I currently live in quite a big 4 bedroom house, 3 bedrooms for my two younger DDs snd I and my oldest DD's old bedroom that she still uses when she comes to stay. Which is only really at Christmas and the occasional few days here and there. I'm wanting to move next year and I'm considering moving to a smaller house, 3 bedrooms so that younger DD's still have their own rooms. Oldest DD isn't happy because she won't have her own bedroom anymore. I can see why it might be annoying around Christmas, she usually stays for about a month and the bedroom is useful during that time but it's hardly used the rest of the year. We would have figure out a new arrangement for her coming to stay but I think it could work

I think it’s fine not having a room. In reality all will move out and start their own families and you shouldn’t need to keep an expensive hone that’s too big for your needs. It’s lovely she stays so long for Christmas but this won’t be forever either. As long as she knows she is welcome I think you are fine.

The move is mainly for financial reasons.
I know a month sounds like a long time to stay but to be fair she's busy for most of the year, she likes to use that time to spend it here and see family and friends that she doesn't see much. I wouldn't call her childish for that

I don't see why she needs to stay at yours for an entire month over Christmas, surely a week should be enough

Some people are so welcoming towards family and friends, it's unbelievable

Then as long as you make her feel welcome I think it’s fine. Sadly financial concerns are part of life and she will get over it. It sounds lovely you are so close

There is a huge difference between keeping an unnecessary bedroom empty most of the year and having space for your dd to visit. I was just going to uni when my parents moved and although they had 3 bedrooms and I had somewhere to stay when I visited it was in no way exclusively my room it was just a spare room. I didn’t go home for the whole holidays because I worked most of them in my uni town. I did go and stay with my parents for a couple of years after uni and it became my room but when I moved out again it returned to being a spare room and was that way until they moved again. Wherever they have lived they have always made me and my siblings more than welcome but I have never expected them to purchase a house based on having room for me to go and stay. A blow up bed or a sofa bed does the job.

I think that’s a bit ridiculous. Should the OP forever have a 3 bed house just in case the grown up dcs get pissed off/want to come home from their own homes? I wouldn’t expect it

Good job I didn't actually say anything like that then isn't it?

I understand where she's coming from in the sense that, because her younger siblings are still around, there's not going to be a spare bedroom for her to sleep in so visits would be less comfortable. But she's also of the age where I think a frank conversation about your financial reasons for the decision is probably the right way to go.

Is she currently in a house share? I found that until I moved in with my now DH living in house shares felt really precarious and I definitely still saw my parent's house as home. That changed rapidly after I had my own place.

I think it's a shame to not have a guest bedroom when you have adult children who will likely want to visit forever. But I don't think you should keep 'her' room, she's long moved out.

OP, are you going to upsize to a six bedroom house so that DD, her DH and two DC can come and stay with you in later years?!
I think you need to choose your home to fit your financial circumstances now, rather than a hypothetical number of guest rooms for adult children. Your DD can share, use a sofa or stay in a B and B when visiting in future.

i m in my mid 20s and moved out 6 years ago, my family switched to a 2 bed place not that long after I left, it made financial sense for them to do so and i completely understood that. she has a home herself now, she's being unreasonable to think she needs a room at yours and since she's working she should understand why downsizing it best for you and her siblings.

I think she needs to accept that if you want to downsize then her room will go. How old are your younger dds though? It might make her feel better if she realises that you have plans for their rooms too for when they move out e.g. a home office, sewing/hobby room, making one into a neutrally decorated guest room.

Eventually you'll have two spare rooms and three potentially visiting daughters who will perhaps all keep some stuff there in cupboards and have to work out sleeping arrangements on the fly (rather than the younger two keeping their bedrooms forever and her losing hers just because she moved out first). Could you make that point to her?

Wouldn't you miss having a spare / guest room? It doesn't have to be 'her' room, and it could be small, and maybe double up as an office for you?

If she has a family in a few years, even more reason to have a spare room, I took my Dc to visit grandma all the time!

But you could look for a house that is smaller overall.

My parents had a spare room, two in fact, once we had all left hime,

This meant that we have often gathered there for Christmas, all their grandchildren have visits, it helps keep a happy family. But we were lucky that they could do that. Obviously it needs to be affordable.

When will your other Dds leave home / go to Uni? Maybe then the third bedroom could become a guest room for the older dds to come and stay in?

I'd probably wait until one more DD moves out then downsize to a 3 bedroom. There'd be a room for youngest DD and a 'guest room' for the older two to share.

When DS1 moved out DS2 'took over' his room as it's 'sunnier' and a bit bigger. We turned DS2's room into a generic 'guest bedroom' for DS1 to use. He's now married and it works fine for him and DiL and it has room for a twin inflatable mattress or a travel cot, too (if one should ever be needed).

Lol - I went to boarding school at 11, DP's moved house that October and I never had "a room" or tbh "a bed" from then on.
I have 3 younger siblings and I was mature enough at 11 to realise that their needs came before mine given they were at home all the time and I wasn't. We didn't have enough money for a room for each of us.

Your DC1 needs to grow up!
I appreciate that it's going to be a change for her though

DD is only 10yo but she knows that when she leaves home, DS will move into her smaller bedroom so his larger bedroom can be the guest bedroom. She will of course be welcome to say and have a room to sleep in, but it won't be 'her' room.

Obviously if money became an issue and we had to downsize, then we would try to find somewhere with a separate lounge space where we could have a sofa bed. At least it's somewhere to sleep, even if not a bedroom.

My mum downsized but although the house is much smaller, she still has two good sized bedrooms. It does mean we can all bunk in together in one room for a weekend.

My sister was in her early 30s when my parents decided to redecorate her childhood bedroom for my then small children. We used to go and stay a few times a year with my parents. Dsis got in quite a strop about this despite the fact that she hadn't lived there since she was 18 and she emigrated to Australia in her mid 20s where she been living ever since (and still lives 20 years later).

What is the age gap between oldest dd and your other dc? She might perceive that you've bought a house for all of them, and feel less like a welcome member of the family. If she has a bed settee and no privacy she might come less often. Once your other dc grow up they will always feel that 'their' rooms are there, but your oldest daughter won't.

My PILs downsized (quite right) but their 2 adult daughters have allocated rooms, and my dh does not. It means we can't stay at Christmas or other events (have to travel 4 hours to visit) because the 'girls' have already claimed the bedrooms. And to be fair we choose not to sleep on the living room floor on a blow up mattress, waiting for everyone else to finish playing games / watching tv etc. so we can go to bed. We are all independent with our own homes, but I know he gets a bit irked with it sometimes.

OP you sound lovely and thoughtful, but needs must. If your move is financial then she needs to suck it up, she’s an adult now and surely must realise the financial strains you may have? My parents got rid of my bedroom about 2 days after I left home, it became some ‘reading room’ like you can’t read in the lounge! I’m an only child and they had a 4 bed house, and I still didn’t have a room, I didn’t moan about it once. I didn’t live there anymore 🤷🏻‍♀️

Younger DD's are 13 and 11 so it will be a while until they're moving out. Having the spare bedroom was useful a few years ago but we don't have guests sleeping over anymore so it's only DD that uses it. If I can find perhaps a house with a dinning room that can be used a space room sometimes or a smaller and less expensive 4 bed then those will probably be the best options. When I moved out my bedroom very soon became an office so I don't feel too cruel

My mum moved my stuff out of my room when I was in my first year at uni making it pretty clear I wasn’t expected back! I was pretty miffed to be honest, they had a 5 bed house and only 2 kids still at home

I think your dd is being unreasonable though, she’s long since moved out.

My parents have kept both my siblings and my bedrooms, my grandparents did the same until they down sized in their 80s but they still bought a house with enough bedrooms for their grown up children, my cousins have all stayed with their own families

I’m glad I didn’t have some of you as parents , when my husband died and I had a bereaved young child and needed my family!! Maybe they should have told me I was being childish

Honestly, if you need to move for financial reasons then you need to move. It's not like you just fancy a change, you need to move. That's the reality of adult life and one she is old enough to understand. Make the right financial decision for you and the 2 children you have at home.

We now have 2 empty 'shrine' bedrooms upstairs and neither DD is eager to relinquish their childhood bedroom

Jesus Christ, you need to grow a pair and tell them to fuck off!

Wow, those of you saying to keep her room, didn't you ever hear of sharing a room? I'd definitely downsize and free up some money for yourself. She can share with one of the others when she comes to stay or they can bunk in together. You don't need to consult her or need her permission. It's your house.