In ending a friendship for this?

[hadromum]

DH, DS and I went to a friends house last night. They have kids too.

When we went to leave the husband picked up ds (6) and tossed him around a bit to say goodbye. He didn't mean it in an unkind way but DS got upset.

I took ds in to another room to give him a cuddle, husband came in to say 'sorry' to ds but told him he needed to toughen up/man up and stop being such a baby.

He's upset ds before, made the odd comment about him being spoilt and soft. We'd not seen them for a few months the last time it happened. Clearly seeing them last night was a huge error of judgment on my part.

When he's made comments before dh and I have never said anything. He's a very domineering man. He shouts his wife and kids down constantly. He hits his kids for misbehaving. His daughter once snuck downstairs when she was meant to be in bed and he made her hold her hands out and hit them as hard as he could. In front of us. She started crying and he did it again.

Last night I'd had enough. I told him ds didn't need to man up and toughen up, he's a just turned 6 little boy. That he needed to back off and I didn't want him saying things like that anymore. He was very drunk if that makes any difference.

He started yelling at me (dh had taken ds out) and I told him he was just a bully. If people didn't agree with him he just scares them in to being quiet. And I was done with it.

So then he put his hand on my face and pushed me pretty hard and I stumbled back. I'm very ashamed to say that at that point I lost my temper completely and yelled at him. So I don't drip feed later- I've been in an abusive relationship before and rightly or wrongly that's probably why I lost my temper and yelled at him. It was absolute shock of someone (almost worse in a way as it was a friend) being psychical.

We've continued to be around them as we live close together in a remote community so are around them almost daily. There's no escaping it. And I'm really good friends with his wife.

Am I over reacting in being so upset?

And to just want to not socialise with them ever again?

He texted Dh later just 'sorry'. Typical that the misogynist felt the need to say sorry to dh and not me. I've not heard from him or his wife, I'm pretty shocked I've not had an apology from her today, not that it's her that should be apologising but if dh had done something like that I'd be reaching out. I'm guessing she's probably siding with him.

Obviously dh thinks it was terrible but he doesn't understand why I'm so upset. I'm being silly probably but it's really shaken me up. I'm in my 40s. I'm a Mum. Obviously that doesn't mean these things should happen any less to anyone but I thought those kinds of toxic and unpleasant situations were a thing of the past.

Sorry that was so long and rambling and didn't seem to have much of a point. I'm just so upset and feel like dh is not taking it very seriously. Am I over reacting and it wasn't that bad?

That’s horrible. Truly. Remote community or not, he’s an absolute bastard.

A fully grown drunk man upset your small child, shouted and you and assaulted you..really think about that for a minute. Do you really think you might be over reacting?

He's a very domineering man. He shouts his wife and kids down constantly. He hits his kids for misbehaving. His daughter once snuck downstairs when she was meant to be in bed and he made her hold her hands out and hit them as hard as he could. In front of us.

I only got this far before I wondered why the HELL you've returned to this place with that man!???

Disgusting to let your DS be at his mercy!

Jesus that's awful. YANBU. If I were you I'd never want to see or speak to them again. Well done for standing up for yourself and your son.

Well now you know for sure that it he will do that to you, he's doing that and more to his wife and kids. I would have stopped the friendship after witnessing him abuse his daughter in front of you.

I'm sorry but I really don't comprehend how you can continue to be friends with someone after you watched them hit their own child and only objected when yours came in for some rough treatment.

That's really appalling and when you sit back and watch children being abused you are complicit.

Call the police and report his assault. Your friend needs to leave this abusive man!

He grabbed your face and pushed you into a wall? I’d be calling the police.

It all sounds dreadful, OP.

It's a shame you can't discuss this with the wife without her husband being there.

Your child was frightened and belittled and you were assaulted physically.

I think you'll have to go NC now.

I would have done more than yell, I’d have slapped the fucker.

WRT his DW though, I wouldn’t assume that she’s siding with him, she may be being abused by him as well. If he’s brazen enough to treat friends in the way he has then it’s not a leap to assume what goes on behind closed doors.....

This would really cross a line for me that there was no coming back from.

Physically assaulting you
Verbally abusive
Verbally abusive to your son

You were right to stand up for your son. You were right to say what you said. No idea why you went back but I suspect that has something to do with your past and the violence you have experienced.

You are well within your rights to call the police.
You are well within your right to call social services.
You are well within your rights to end this friendship with this man. I would want to stay friends with the Mum and kids. She's probably in a similar position to what you were and is terrified to speak out or leave.

Please don't subject your son or yourself to this trauma again. Its fucking awful.

Please report him for the safety of those children.

He was rough with your child and upset him and instead of saying sorry like a normal person he tried to make it your child's fault then assaulted you when you objected.
He is an awful person, don't spend any more time with him. I feel so sorry for his children.

Sorry for what you’ve gone through prior and now OP. That sucks. But you didn’t over react. I’d have punched him and then I’d be the one in trouble.

Now I’d be at the police telling them everything I knew. Can’t believe he put his hand on you. Cheeky fucker. It probably wouldn’t do much good if there is no evidence and your word against his but I couldn’t live with myself knowing that children and very possibly the wife are being harmed. I’d want to protect them. They are children. They could be getting sexually abused too.

And if dp or anyone else didn’t like it tough shit. If nothing comes of it fine, clearly all is well and nothing to worry about. And if something does come of it at least the abuse will be stopped. The hand slapping alone is against the law in Scotland now.

Fucking disgraceful that an arsehole like him thinks he can behave in that way. Wtf is thinking he’s ok for? He shouldn’t be wanting to be mates with that prick.

I'm very ashamed to say that at that point I lost my temper completely and yelled at him.
Conversely, I am tremendously proud of you. Well done for standing up to a vile bully.

I've not heard from him or his wife, I'm pretty shocked I've not had an apology from her today, not that it's her that should be apologising but if dh had done something like that I'd be reaching out. I'm guessing she's probably siding with him.
I imagine she is scared not to be seen siding with him. She's probably also embarrassed & dismayed. If there is any way of maintaining even slim contact with her, but not him, that would be the best outcome.

*I'm just so upset and feel like dh is not taking it very seriously.&
This is really the most concerning & disappointing aspect of the whole sorry business. His own child was made to cry by an adult, verbally abused & told that he also needs to 'grow up' i.e. embrace toxic manhood.
Is DH not aware that this shitsack of a bloke later yelled at you & physically assualted you? Why is he not happing mad?

Why didn't hubby sort him out!?

This man assaulted you. If it was a stranger on the street you'd call the police. It doesn't matter your previous relationship or that you shouted at him first or whatever, pushing someone's face is never an appropriate response. He is dangerous and violent towards women and children. He should be reported.

He physically pushed you in the face. Where the hell is your husband's anger?

You're right bluntness. I'm extremely anti smacking/physical discipline. I was physically and mentally abused as a child, I'm still trying to understand what boundaries and views of my own are 'correct' and which are over the top.

DH and I have continued the friendship because we want to support her. They don't have any other friends at all. She would be all alone and I could see things getting worse. She can never see me alone. Obviously now I just can't spend social time with them again.

To be honest, your past experience doesn't need to even factor into this. What he did was incredibly wrong, even if you'd had the most lovely and uncomplicated past. So stop looking for reasons to justify how you feel.

Police police police....assault!

You saw him hit his child on the hands with all his might and do it again harder b/c she cried and not only did you stay friends but you didn’t raise it as a safeguarding issue with authorities? You are enabling him OP and I know it’s hard with your own childhood trauma, but that man must not have access to children, even his own!
Please do the right thing. Call and report for his kids sake. The fact he’s also now assaulted you has a higher chance he’d be charged with multiple incidents.

Your friend’s silence is based on fear of this apology for a man who is a nasty drunk .
Clearly there’s no future in a family friendship here - remote community or not .
All you can do is try to maintain links with your friend and her children .
You were right to call him out on his awful behaviour - he’s a bully - your DH should also distance himself - if he doesn’t you should ask him why he is condoning the actions of this man .

So you had already given him a free pass on assaulting his own children, and are surprised that he told yours to toughen up? You are being unreasonable - because once he ritualistically humiliated his own child by punishing her violently in front of an audience, you should have stopped socialising from that point on

And as for being put out his wife hasn't contacted you to apologise? Ffs, listen to yourself! That would be a poor expectation even if you weren't already making side eyes at him apologising to your husband and not you

Give yourself a shake - and don't socialise with abusive cunts in future.

I had a parent like him. I absolutely hold those adults who witnessed and said/did nothing as having an element of moral culpability. And shit like this was still borderline acceptable in the 70s.

I wouldn't see/visit them again as a couple - but I would try to maintain relationship with the friend, his wife, or at least let her know why you're distancing yourself, and that she can always contact you if she needs help/refuge - or just half an hour light relief from her bully of a husband.