In ending a friendship for this?

[hadromum]

DH, DS and I went to a friends house last night. They have kids too.

When we went to leave the husband picked up ds (6) and tossed him around a bit to say goodbye. He didn't mean it in an unkind way but DS got upset.

I took ds in to another room to give him a cuddle, husband came in to say 'sorry' to ds but told him he needed to toughen up/man up and stop being such a baby.

He's upset ds before, made the odd comment about him being spoilt and soft. We'd not seen them for a few months the last time it happened. Clearly seeing them last night was a huge error of judgment on my part.

When he's made comments before dh and I have never said anything. He's a very domineering man. He shouts his wife and kids down constantly. He hits his kids for misbehaving. His daughter once snuck downstairs when she was meant to be in bed and he made her hold her hands out and hit them as hard as he could. In front of us. She started crying and he did it again.

Last night I'd had enough. I told him ds didn't need to man up and toughen up, he's a just turned 6 little boy. That he needed to back off and I didn't want him saying things like that anymore. He was very drunk if that makes any difference.

He started yelling at me (dh had taken ds out) and I told him he was just a bully. If people didn't agree with him he just scares them in to being quiet. And I was done with it.

So then he put his hand on my face and pushed me pretty hard and I stumbled back. I'm very ashamed to say that at that point I lost my temper completely and yelled at him. So I don't drip feed later- I've been in an abusive relationship before and rightly or wrongly that's probably why I lost my temper and yelled at him. It was absolute shock of someone (almost worse in a way as it was a friend) being psychical.

We've continued to be around them as we live close together in a remote community so are around them almost daily. There's no escaping it. And I'm really good friends with his wife.

Am I over reacting in being so upset?

And to just want to not socialise with them ever again?

He texted Dh later just 'sorry'. Typical that the misogynist felt the need to say sorry to dh and not me. I've not heard from him or his wife, I'm pretty shocked I've not had an apology from her today, not that it's her that should be apologising but if dh had done something like that I'd be reaching out. I'm guessing she's probably siding with him.

Obviously dh thinks it was terrible but he doesn't understand why I'm so upset. I'm being silly probably but it's really shaken me up. I'm in my 40s. I'm a Mum. Obviously that doesn't mean these things should happen any less to anyone but I thought those kinds of toxic and unpleasant situations were a thing of the past.

How the FUCK neither was reported to the police I don't know.

Well, I would imagine it must be the same scenario that led you to never reporting anything you've witnessed, including the child abuse?

Bold fail in last post. Apologies.

You are enabling a child abuser and woman beater, in my eyes are are no better than him if you are able to turn a blind eye to child abuse, if he hit his daughter with such force in front of visitors I dread to think what he does when your not there.. Report the bastard, Iv ended friendships from childhood over shitty parenting and have reported them to the police and social services for less. Your not the bad guy here, your poor friend is probably terrified of this beast and needs help to get away with the kids. (that's if shes not abusing them to)

He assaulted you. I would have floored the nasty fucker.
Report him to the police, and social services. I'm assuming you're not in Scotland, because its now illegal here to hit your children, so that alone would be enough to involve them.

He's a bully, and a pathetic excuse for a human being.

If a misogynistic, gun-owning psycho you've witnessed humiliating and abusing his own child assaults you and scares the shit out of your child, the first place I'd be is at the police station. Absolutely no question about it. I'd also be asking the police to ensure my family's safety and making it very clear to as many people as possible who know and interact with this monster that they should stay well away from him.

His poor, poor wife and children. I feel sick just thinking of what their lives must be like. Please, be brave - as you have been already in standing up to him for your son's sake - you can do this.

You were assaulted and that needs reporting to the police. When they take a statement you can go into the man's background of abuse and attacks and they can investigate it.

1. You should have reported him after you watched him assault his child.

1. You need to, sadly, stop worrying about his wife. She is treading her own path right now and your safety and your kids safety should be what is uppermost in your mind.

1. You need to seriously look at your relationship. If I had told my DH what you told your DH had happened to you and your son and he had reacted as your DH did, I would be seriously evaluating my marriage.

What he did to you/your son was terrible, but come on. You saw him abuse his own child with your own eyes, and did nothing. You didn't stand up for the child or intervene. You didn't ring the police or social services (the equivalents where you live). You know his wife isn't allowed out without him, but you never actually tried to help her. You simply ignored it and carried on spending time with him.

This isn't a shock. The red flags have been there for months and you've chosen to ignore every single one. At least you got out of that house with your son. Imagine what his abused wife and kids feel like when they're trapped there day in, day out.

You need to report it.

Also, I'm sure PP have probably said this, but complaining about his wife not apologising for him? Are you off your head? If she isn't allowed out without him, do you actually think she'd have access to a phone to text whoever she wants and say what she wants? He probably checks her messages multiple times a day if she's even allowed a phone. She'll be busy trying to protect herself and her kids through any means necessary. She's hardly going to apologise to you if it means she gets punched over it.

As I said, it's awful what he did. But you're only concerned now because it happened to you. It really didn't matter before. So- stop being so self obsessed and start seeing it for what it is. And also, give your useless DH a kick up the arse as well. Being 'laid back' is no excuse for not giving a fuck that not only was his wife assaulted, but his so-called 'mate' also assaulted his child (and upset your own) and at the very least, controls and abuses his wife. You both need to open your eyes and catch a grip.