In ending a friendship for this?

[hadromum]

DH, DS and I went to a friends house last night. They have kids too.

When we went to leave the husband picked up ds (6) and tossed him around a bit to say goodbye. He didn't mean it in an unkind way but DS got upset.

I took ds in to another room to give him a cuddle, husband came in to say 'sorry' to ds but told him he needed to toughen up/man up and stop being such a baby.

He's upset ds before, made the odd comment about him being spoilt and soft. We'd not seen them for a few months the last time it happened. Clearly seeing them last night was a huge error of judgment on my part.

When he's made comments before dh and I have never said anything. He's a very domineering man. He shouts his wife and kids down constantly. He hits his kids for misbehaving. His daughter once snuck downstairs when she was meant to be in bed and he made her hold her hands out and hit them as hard as he could. In front of us. She started crying and he did it again.

Last night I'd had enough. I told him ds didn't need to man up and toughen up, he's a just turned 6 little boy. That he needed to back off and I didn't want him saying things like that anymore. He was very drunk if that makes any difference.

He started yelling at me (dh had taken ds out) and I told him he was just a bully. If people didn't agree with him he just scares them in to being quiet. And I was done with it.

So then he put his hand on my face and pushed me pretty hard and I stumbled back. I'm very ashamed to say that at that point I lost my temper completely and yelled at him. So I don't drip feed later- I've been in an abusive relationship before and rightly or wrongly that's probably why I lost my temper and yelled at him. It was absolute shock of someone (almost worse in a way as it was a friend) being psychical.

We've continued to be around them as we live close together in a remote community so are around them almost daily. There's no escaping it. And I'm really good friends with his wife.

Am I over reacting in being so upset?

And to just want to not socialise with them ever again?

He texted Dh later just 'sorry'. Typical that the misogynist felt the need to say sorry to dh and not me. I've not heard from him or his wife, I'm pretty shocked I've not had an apology from her today, not that it's her that should be apologising but if dh had done something like that I'd be reaching out. I'm guessing she's probably siding with him.

Obviously dh thinks it was terrible but he doesn't understand why I'm so upset. I'm being silly probably but it's really shaken me up. I'm in my 40s. I'm a Mum. Obviously that doesn't mean these things should happen any less to anyone but I thought those kinds of toxic and unpleasant situations were a thing of the past.

He assaulted you, he needs arresting for that.

I see I have cross-posted with your update. It makes things worse, not better, frankly.

You can absolutely support his wife without socialising en famille.

Dh is the most laid back person I've ever met. Most of the time I love that in him but right now I'm a little sad.

Although he said last night (and was absolutely right) that the guy is clearly such a loose cannon he just wanted to get us out of there.

We're not in the UK. He has lots of guns.

They've lost every single friend they had because he's so belligerent and aggressive to people.

One of his kids was suspended from school until he could have a psychological review because he threatened another kid. I suspect that this severity was due to him mentioning guns but that's just a suspicion.

He’s a bullying abusive shit and he ASSAULTED you. He should be reported to the police.

He pushed you because you stood up to him - but you yelled back. That will have fazed him. That’s why he sent that pathetic one-word ‘apology’. People get away with behaviour like that because no one calls them up on it. Good on you for doing so.

I think you have to end the friendship with the wife too, unfortunately - at least temporarily. I can understand how hard it must be knowing she has no other real friends, but maybe this is what it will take to make her see it’s time to get out. Message her and calmly tell her that you are no longer prepared to associate with a man you consider abusive, and certainly not when he directs his anger towards your children. Tell her that when she eventually comes to the same conclusion and leaves, you will be there for her.

Stay away. Never ever go back. Police fine. Social Services definitely. You or your son could be in serious danger next time. I know you want to support your friend but you must protect yourself and son first. Find away to speak to friend alone and offer your support to her where you can. Good luck.

I wouldn't care about the friendship with her. It's got to the stage you must protect yourself

Well done for standing up to him, that’s brilliant on your part. I also had an abusive childhood so I completely understand boundaries being a problem, this time it was warranted. And his reaction to you proves he lost control.

I suspect there are two things at play here with the wife. She may be embarrassed but she may also be pissed off at you for “provoking” him and getting your just desserts. She’s probably at home now calling you all sorts of names in order to justify his behaviour. I wouldn’t see either of them ever again, even if you are the only friend she has left. She doesn’t want your pity, that’s clear.

He’s an abusive prick, steer clear. It’s all very well “wanting to be there for her“ but what you’ve actually done is stood by and watched him behave in a bullying and abusive way towards his own family. People turning a blind eye to this kind of crap sends the message to both the bullying asshole and his unfortunate family that really, it mustn’t be that big a deal if people are still happy to socialise with him. Stop kidding yourself that this is in any way helpful to his family.

He’s demonstrated that he has no qualms about turning on you physically. If that’s not a good enough reason to end the friendship then what reason is?

You must report this to the police, it was an assault, just as he assaulted his child in front of you

He is a bully, and the only way it will stop is to call his behaviour out to the authorities, at the same time you show your children that his behaviour is unacceptable

Men like this are the ones who end up killing their whole families. Are you in a country where the police would be sympathetic if you reported this to them? You say you're not in the UK. I absolutely would go to the police and of course would never socialise with them again.

Why are you feeling ashamed and silly? Well done for standing up for yourself and DS.

I would call the police, this is a good opportunity to open up this can of worms and may help his wife and kids.

You should absolutely go to the police about this.

You can absolutely support his wife without socialising en famille.

I can't. They're always together. I can't even message her.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. He is a bully.
I would have called him out on him hitting his child and probably reported to social services at that time. Poor children. I would not have maintained the friendship after that.
You are lucky that you can get your son away from this man, his children are stuck there.

And what the hell was your husband doing while this man was assaulting you and verbalising abusing your child?!

Report him to the police. While you are there, describe the wider context of his abuse and humiliation of his own child and inform child protection.

Or he will keep doing it.

You reporting and the potential for child protection to offer support to his wife may be the thing that will push her into leaving him.

Oh and tell your H that if he doesn't subscribe to misogyny, to put his mouth where his loyalty should be and reply to the abuser 'I think this text went to the wrong person.'

*Although he said last night (and was absolutely right) that the guy is clearly such a loose cannon he just wanted to get us out of there.

We're not in the UK. He has lots of guns.

They've lost every single friend they had because he's so belligerent and aggressive to people*

Many, many red flags here, especially when you say his son has been suspended for threatening violence. He's learnt that somewhere. Do not have any further contact with him. Ever.

Call the police. If he's done it to you then he has 100% done it to her.
Call the police and report the assault, and also ask them to do a welfare check on the wife at a time when he's at work.

I suspect there are two things at play here with the wife. She may be embarrassed but she may also be pissed off at you for “provoking” him and getting your just desserts. She’s probably at home now calling you all sorts of names in order to justify his behaviour. I wouldn’t see either of them ever again, even if you are the only friend she has left. She doesn’t want your pity, that’s clear.

LOVELY bit of victim blaming there @Evilmorty.
You have no concept of how that wife is reacting or feeling. I can't fathom where your projection of her as a bully-supporting villain is coming from.

I can't. They're always together. I can't even message her.

Ultimately, there is nothing you can do to help her. She needs to help herself. You also need to help yourself and your family by not seeing them anymore.

I could barely get past the part where abused his daughter and made everyone watch.

He's just assaulted you. He'll be doing much worse to his wife and kids that you can't see.

I'd tell the police.

Dump him, he sounds like a prick and he's got no business telling you how to raise your son. I hate macho men like that.

'Obviously dh thinks it was terrible but he doesn't understand why I'm so upset. '

I'm surprised at that. Even if someone hadn't been in an abusive relationship in the past, being physically assaulted would unnerve anyone!

You're not overreacting at all xxx

Just had a long chat with dh. I think he now understands a bit more. I told him that he's never felt vulnerable at the hands of someone else.

His parents are some of the most lovely people I've ever met. They've never so much as shouted at him. DH has never had even so much as the threat of physical violence from anyone ever.