In laws make me feel less of a person because I don’t work.

[Bee1511]

Hi, name changed so I don’t give away my identity. Also please don’t re-post this anywhere else.

Back story, mother of two DC with additional needs. Youngest only started school in September. Oh works full time, I am a stay at home mum for the time being. We own our own home, OH earns an ok wage. We aren’t well off but get by on one wage. I will go back to work one day but right now I am finding it damn hard to find something around OH’s hours and DC, hospitals apps, school meetings, regular speech therapy etc etc. DC need routine and consistency.

Now there’s the in laws and they are always making me feel less of a person because I don’t work. Sly comments like oh you are a lady of luxury (if only), kept woman, oh you have so much time on your hands, oh you don’t know what it’s like to be tired (on a day DS barely slept and DD was up at 4am 🤛), you don’t know what it’s like to balance work and life (right maybe I don’t), why are you so tired all the time? (Bearing in mind me and OH have DC 100 percent of the time and haven’t had any time to ourselves in about 4 years), your house is only clean because you have so much time on your hands (obviously I do have more time to clean than working parents). Hats off to working parents btw. I don’t know how you do it!! saying things oh you can go back to bed after the school run (I have never done that). Telling me life is easy and I’m lazy because I get my shopping delivered (I live in the middle of nowhere with the nearest supermarket at least 30 minutes away and Food shopping makes me stressed anyway).

Calling me lazy and a benefit bum when that is far from the truth. Like I said we own our home. We don’t get any benefits based on Oh’s earnings but do receive DLA for our eldest and about £64 tax credits a week but why shouldn’t we claim what DS is entitled to.

I try and make one thing clear to them is that just because I don’t work doesn’t mean I don’t do anything. I up by 5am most days to prepare for school and sometimes I don’t stop all day. My two are like little tornados who wreck my house. There is always so much to do. I barely sit down.

I also suffer from anxiety, ocd and depression. And they add to it so much.

I’m sick of it. Every time they come over it’s petty comments.

Ironically when I met OH his mum was claiming as a single parent and not working to his much younger siblings but had her partner living there on the quiet - for about 4 years!! I never bring that up!

Surely aibu to think this is just nasty and rude?

What does OH say when they make these comments? It's easier for him to tell his parents that they are out of order than it is for you. Make sure he stands up for you.

Just ignore them. Or tell them that when they pay your household bills then they can have a say.
I was a SAHM for a while and will be again soon. You don't need to justify what works for you and your family to anyone. My MIL used to make similar comments, so I do understand how you feel. But her own kids were latch key kids. I don't want that for mine!
Tell them to bugger off.

Yeah they are rude.

But tbh I also fail to see how you can be tired etc when both kids are at school? Am I reading that right? That’s the dream!

Yabu, it's your choice not to work but dont expect people to pat you on the back for it, you are receiving a good amount in benefits to subsidise your lifestyle.

I absolutely agree that you DH should be standing up for you here. In the absence of that, I’d say something like “oh bless, are you on about my life again? You poor thing, do you need help finding a hobby? The council run all sorts of evening classes.”

@Quebeth you got the bit about them both having additional needs, needing hospital appointments and not sleeping at night right?
OP I agree your OH should tell his mother to wind her neck in. Are you married? If you’re not working I think to protect yourself you ought to consider it...

You need your husband to tell them to back off and/or stop inviting them round.

It’s hard to brush off other people’s comments if you’re not 100% confident in the choice.

You’re allowed to be tired. Everyone is. No need for any competitive tiredness on this thread!

you are receiving a good amount in benefits to subsidise your lifestyle.

The majority of benefits the OP receives are because she has a disabled child. Are you really so lacking in empathy that you see this as some sort of perk?

I get it both ways from Fil. I’m on mat leave at present and am “scrounging off the state (mat benefit) and dh” but I shouldn’t be going back to work because “proper mothers who aren’t lazy stay home and look after their kids not pay someone else to do it (nursery)”

It’s very much easier said than done but ignore it. Ignore it. Then ignore it some
More.

You are doing the best for you and your kids right now and that’s what’s important.

Meh. My kids don’t sleep at night either (no additional needs to be fair - just plain old FOMO I think 🤷🏻‍♀️). My youngest is two. I work part time. I never get the opportunity to go back to bed after a particularly bad night. If I could, I absolutely would. Why martyr yourself?

@Quebeth. I am shattered because my kids have additional needs and don’t sleep well and up early. I have also been poorly and to and from the doctors recently which doesn’t help. DS is particularly full on (autism) and he doesn’t let up all day and takes hours to fall asleep at the night. I am more mentally drained than physically. 😭.

Funnily enough. They seem to make the comments when OH isn’t listening. Like the other day when he was getting DC in car and I was talking to mil before leaving. Or when he’s in the other room or in the garden. I’m not the confrontational type and cannot stand up for myself. I mention it to Oh, usually on the way home or when they’ve left and he says to just ignore them or I’m exaggerating it and they mean nothing by it. I do think he’s scared of his mum himself.

I don’t get much in benefits @FlyingPenguine 🤣 we own our home so no help in the terms of housing etc , Oh earns a comfortable wage. We get lower band disability living allowance and £64 odd tax credits for our son which we’d get regardless of our income. We don’t get anything based on OH’s earnings.

Your choice to not work with two school aged child but others won’t and don’t have to agree with it.

Im not sure I’d be thrilled either to see my son working whilst his wife didn’t and had all day to herself especially given the household isn’t self supporting and claiming benefits. I’d expect a more equal share of the responsibilities.

Their comments sound very harsh and your dh should be telling them to stfu.

However compared to some people's lives you have a good period of time each day where you can relax if you need to. Many households with both parents working don't have this luxury and still get by.

On the days your children don't sleep, you could go and have a nap. If my child doesn't sleep I have to go to work and power on through. You probably don't know understand what it's like to balance work and children, because you don't have to.

Seriously next time they say anything just stand up and say "Right, this stops now, these constant digs about me not working, or having so much time, being lazy, they stop, I am sick of them, one more comment and you will be escorted to the door. And mil the irony of you commenting on benefits I do not receive when you claimed to be a single mum for benefits is clearly lost on you but not on me. So not another word or you leave" just sit down, go make tea, if they get offended and leave who gives a fuck? Not you, don't let them treat you like that especially in your own home

Ask them if they would like to swap places with you for the week OP! Or better still tell them to piss off with their judgemental comments and if they cannot behave decently then they are not welcome.Most of all though they can say what they like but you KNOW you are doing an incredible job in raising your family in difficult and draining circumstances and no amount of ill will or sarky comments can take that away from you ...Keep going lovely lady and fuck them and their disrespect.They sound like total fools and I just really wouldnt give them the headspace really I wouldnt. However I would be saying if you enter my home you treat all of us with due respect or you wont be coming at all.

Just smile sweetly and say 'oh glad you have brought that up, just found a job actually, I'm going to need support with childcare, can I put you down for school pick up 4 days a week, dh will collect them at 5.30pm'.

If you are serious about finding something that fits around dcs maybe start volunteering at their school. My dsis did that (also has disabled dd) and is now a qualified TA working part time school hours.

People don’t understand the strains of having children with additional needs. DS has had problems at school and is undergoing assessment for ASD. Relatively minor in the scheme of things. However, I’m earning less than half of what I was before all this started.

I’m constrained by how far I can travel to work because of needing to limit his time in childcare and needing to be on-hand for when he has problems.

It’s a constant juggle as a lone parent. If his needs were greater, I can’t imagine being able to work.

Just reiterate how lucky they are to not understand the demands of parenting children with additional needs.

They sound vile OP. I understand about the appointments, I used to work booking appointments for a paediatric clinic and totally get how some children have multiple ones and no "they can't all be booked on the same day to minimise days off work/school" like some folk expect. I've seen working parents really struggle to manage the medical needs of their children on their annual leave and don't blame you for not putting yourself through that when you don't have to.

They sound vile.

You need to be assertive and stand up for yourself. If anyone said something like that to me I would tell them it is unacceptable and leave the room straight away. They are supposed to be your family!

If you don’t want to speak to them get DH to talk to them and put it bluntly- if they don’t apologise and start treating you with respect then you won’t visit and they won’t see the children.

You don’t need to justify your choices to anyone. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

Thanks all. I am certainly considering my options. And have been looking at work options. The local school don’t have wrap around care Or holiday clubs which is a pain. We are in the middle of nowhere and there’s only 1 childminder locally who’s just quit it 😭

As for the benefits. It’s benefits we would get whether I worked or not and not affected by earnings. It’s for my son who has autism. We’d still get it even if I went back to work. I could claim for carers but I don’t because I don’t consider myself a carer, but his mum!

You and your husband need to say something to them. It sounds like no one is standing up to them.

I was. Sahm for 11 years, it was a joint decision, neither of us wanted other people bringing up our children in the early years. We had no family support as we moved away for work. I saw my role as keeping everything going at home so that DH could concentrate on work. It’s a shame some people cannot see the worth of stay at home parenting.

Tell your DH to get them to stop it.
And people will have a go at you on here - some seem to hate women who don’t work, no matter what the reason they will pick holes in everything...I think someone has called you a martyr already 🙄

You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone about what your daily life is like, so stop doing this as I have found the more you try and explain it the worse they get. It is between you and your DH.

I could also claim DLa for my daughter as well. But she’s much higher functioning autism than my son so I haven’t. We could claim a lot more than we do but we don’t.

They seem to be pissed off that your DH (their son) supports you financially, which is obviously ok, I assume this is something to which you both agreed.

This is not their problem whatsoever, it's arrangement between you and your husband, as a family.

I'd say "Look, MIL, it's not your problem, is it? Please stop being rude and mind your own business". But YOU need to say it. Not DH not anyone else. YOU.

What do you actually say when she makes the comments?