In laws make me feel less of a person because I don’t work.

[Bee1511]

Hi, name changed so I don’t give away my identity. Also please don’t re-post this anywhere else.

Back story, mother of two DC with additional needs. Youngest only started school in September. Oh works full time, I am a stay at home mum for the time being. We own our own home, OH earns an ok wage. We aren’t well off but get by on one wage. I will go back to work one day but right now I am finding it damn hard to find something around OH’s hours and DC, hospitals apps, school meetings, regular speech therapy etc etc. DC need routine and consistency.

Now there’s the in laws and they are always making me feel less of a person because I don’t work. Sly comments like oh you are a lady of luxury (if only), kept woman, oh you have so much time on your hands, oh you don’t know what it’s like to be tired (on a day DS barely slept and DD was up at 4am 🤛), you don’t know what it’s like to balance work and life (right maybe I don’t), why are you so tired all the time? (Bearing in mind me and OH have DC 100 percent of the time and haven’t had any time to ourselves in about 4 years), your house is only clean because you have so much time on your hands (obviously I do have more time to clean than working parents). Hats off to working parents btw. I don’t know how you do it!! saying things oh you can go back to bed after the school run (I have never done that). Telling me life is easy and I’m lazy because I get my shopping delivered (I live in the middle of nowhere with the nearest supermarket at least 30 minutes away and Food shopping makes me stressed anyway).

Calling me lazy and a benefit bum when that is far from the truth. Like I said we own our home. We don’t get any benefits based on Oh’s earnings but do receive DLA for our eldest and about £64 tax credits a week but why shouldn’t we claim what DS is entitled to.

I try and make one thing clear to them is that just because I don’t work doesn’t mean I don’t do anything. I up by 5am most days to prepare for school and sometimes I don’t stop all day. My two are like little tornados who wreck my house. There is always so much to do. I barely sit down.

I also suffer from anxiety, ocd and depression. And they add to it so much.

I’m sick of it. Every time they come over it’s petty comments.

Ironically when I met OH his mum was claiming as a single parent and not working to his much younger siblings but had her partner living there on the quiet - for about 4 years!! I never bring that up!

Surely aibu to think this is just nasty and rude?

Happygoldfinch and a couple of others have made a good point - that your PIL clearly haven’t considered that if you find work then your DH will need to make changes to his career so that he can pick up some of the childcare slack

PIL are horrible little people. OP

@Chloemol no point trying to reason with IceCream, she's well known for popping up on these type of threads, she slags off basically everyone who doesn't work full time no matter their circumstances. Just a horrible person in general.

I think you should claim everything you are entitled to. DLA for both your disabled children, which is meant to cover some of the extra costs of having a disabled child (it doesn’t subsidise lifestyle it is so little).
You should also claim carers allowance as well. It’s less than minimum wage to reimburse you for giving up work to care for disabled children/adults that if you did work, the NHS would have to pay a full time carer on the social care budget to do. You are actually saving the taxpayer money by staying home with your children.
Make sure you claim child benefit in your name too so your state pension entitlement accrues as well. Every year with a child under 12, you get a full year of state pension credits. Once the youngest is 12, your claiming carers allowance will give you state pension credits too.

Ignore the sanctimonious posters. They do not know what it is like having special needs children. Society brainwashed them into thinking everyone claiming benefits is a lazy scrounger. You are far from it.

Be proud of yourself. If it gets too much mentally, then swap places with your DH. He can be a stay at home dad for a few years while you work. I know many couples who take turns so that when the children are older and more self sufficient both their careers have not taken too much of a step backwards due to years out of the workplace.

Some of the comments on here are vile. Clearly people who have ignored or are ignorant to the fact of op children's needs. I think there is alot of messed up jealousy on here!! Op time to tell the inlaws a few home truths. Sounds like you have a supportive partner which is great.

BTW OP I think you should definitely be claiming what you are entitled to. You shouldn't be justifying your life choices. Your inlaws shouldn't be making comments about benefits etc.

I just think the tiredness is something you could do something about during the day when the children are at school.

Please cut down on cleaning and prioritise catching up on sleep. Sleep deprivation is awful.

However, once you have taken some time to look after yourself - if you can find a school hours job I am sure you could sort the appointments. All my children have additional needs of some sort - autism, ADHD, severe allergies. Somehow between DH and I we juggle all the appointments etc. So it might not feel possible right now but I want to give you hope that it might be doable in the future.

I'd look onto claiming carers allowance for your son. I'd also be claiming DLA for your daughter as the hidden costs of raising autistic children can be higher than you realise.

If your MIL starts up again you can honestly say you are registered as your sons carer and you are where you need to be.

This aside, even if you are not going to claim carers allowance you should register with GOV.UK that you are his carer.
This gives you full NI contributions towards your pension. Otherwise you'll find yourself without the years to qualify later.

You need to be claiming medium rate band for your son.

I'm in your position and there is no way a place of employment would give me the 10+ random hours without any notice I'd need each working week. My working week is at home as a carer. My main job is to raise my child, and it's the hardest job I've ever had to do.

I desperately want and need to work but I just can't. I am my autistic child's eyes,ears and support at the moment.

Honestly if it were me, I wouldn't see them anymore.

I'm a SAHM, with two young kids and depression. My PIL (who live far away) are awesome and help pay for nursery because they know we are struggling mentally and need time away from the kids. They are caring and supportive.

I can't imagine having all your additional issues, I find it hard enough with just depression. I couldn't tolerate your PIL comments. You have a lot on your plate and don't need to add critical unsupportive PIL to the mix.

I am shattered because my kids have additional needs and don’t sleep well and up early. I have also been poorly and to and from the doctors recently which doesn’t help. DS is particularly full on (autism) and he doesn’t let up all day and takes hours to fall asleep at the night. I am more mentally drained than physically.

Maybe prepare a five-minute speech describing all the above in detail, and every time there's a snide comment, deliver the whole speech. Don't let yourself be interrupted of cut off. Once they've heard it word-for-word a few times they will get tired enough of hearing it that they will start watching what they say.

I want to say, claim child benefit in your name even if your DH makes more than the £50k threshold. In that case, you won’t get any money, but you will still get the pension credit for your state pension. Many single earner couples with a stay at home parent make the mistake of not claiming child benefit because they think it only does money but you still get the pension credit even if your partner makes too much to get child benefit money.

Why are you being so passive? No way would I be dealing with there low level bullying which is what it is. I bet you dread them coming? They are also sneaky ensuring nothing is said in earshot if there DS. If he doesn’t stand up for you, you need to put on your big girl pants and do it yourself.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss blimey I pity your future dil and bet she'll be posting many 'mil from hell' type posts on here about you!!
Did you read the bit about their child having additional needs, many hospital appointments etc? The benefits they are claiming are for working families and I'm delighted my taxes go towards them.
Women should support other women whatever they choose to do. Op has decided (with her dh) that for now her being home is what's right for their family. Be there for other women, don't knock them down.

I bet if you do get a part time job your in laws will switch to comments about how you should be at home for the kids. My MIL has made plenty of comments about me being a SAHM over the years, but I put it down to jealousy and ignore. We don't see them often which helps. For us, we've always said that it's no one else's business how we choose to parent and run the household, but everyone has an opinion and when you're seen as 'just a housewife' (that was my neighbour) they will happily tell you, however rude it may be. As other posters have pointed out, if your DH has to adjust his work to help with childcare if you go back, his parents will no doubt comment about that too. Pull them up on it or ignore, but be prepared for them to have something to say regardless, some people just can't seem to help themselves. But do try not to let anyone make you feel bad about doing what you and your DH believe is the right thing for your family, frankly it's no one else's business.

Don't let your in-laws (and all the nasty comments on here) get to you OP.

Some people are wilfully ignorant and choose to believe that having a disabled child is sunshine and rainbows, and that it would never affect them like that. They're also the kind of people who think everyone should work full-time regardless of anything else going on their lives.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you staying at home - as long as you and DH are happy with it, then it's nobody else's business. Make sure you're claiming all the benefits you're entitled to (and get child benefit in your name) so you're getting credit towards your state pension.

for you.

What has it got to do with them?! Someone up the thread said they wouldn't be thrilled if your DH was their son and was working full time whilst you don't, why?!

I don't work and my children are much older ( youngest at top of primary school). Initially it was our choice as we could afford it and DH wanted to build his career up and knew he couldn't if he had to be available to look after the boys/ pay out for childcare. In more recent years our youngest had an awful diagnosis that has meant a lot of hospital treatment / visits etc. There's no way I could have had a job around that! Like you say, it's mentally exhausting too .

I, and DH too, would have been massively unimpressed if either of our parents had stuck their noses in. We just do the best we can! As it is, things have settled so I'm starting to look for work, but we're very prepared that I might have to give up again if he falls ill again.

Your in-laws are bullies. There is no reason why you cannot stand up for yourself as she appears emboldened by the passivity. I had this years back from mine and I bottled it up and eventually blew. I banned FIL from our home. I chose not to see them again and it was the right thing to do.

My now adult girls see them occasionally, but they are not nice to them either!

Tbh, they are showing you who they are and God knows what they are saying behind your back Your partner needs to respect the mother of his children and defend the great job you are doing with his kids fgs.

You need to speak to him ahead of their next visit. Tell him you have had enough of the comments and he must defend your families' position.

I have experience of caring for a child with SEN and I feel the posts on here are really horrible especially ice creams post. Thank God she is not my mil.
Look after yourself op. Have a warm bath and relax for a while when dc have left for school. You will still get your jobs done. Also at the weekend make sure you get an hour to yourself.

Regarding MIL I wouldn't engage. When she makes a comment again I would state back that 'we've all needed benefits at some stage have we mil' and my reason is genuine.
I would also avoid her as much as possible. Get dh to visit her instead. Walk the dog when she comes around or whatever you need to do to avoid her. Also dh needs to discuss this with her!!

The unsympathetic posters on this thread are useful practice for you, OP.

Treat them as an exercise. Take their daft posts one at a time and blister them with an appropriate response (you don’t have to do it actually on the thread if too polite!).

You know that you are doing what you can in difficult circumstances. You are far from lazy or scrounging. And you probably need a nap.

I have worked with children with autism and its exhausting but staff get to go home at the end of the day.
I cant imagine how difficult it is to be in a 24/7 situation.
When they are at school get your head down, there is no shame in that.
Claim your additional benefits, no shame in that either.
Ask for blood tests, you might also be lacking in B12/D/iron.
Tell in laws to do one, "Did you mean to be so rude" would work here if you fond "do fuck off" hard to say.
Finally could you find a hobby that gives you time doing something for you, that you love? Art/gym/reading/walking....anything at all. Invest in you.

I hope you are claiming carers allowance too OP. Quebeth the stress and worry alone of having children that don’t fit the ‘norm’ is exhausting, never mind if they slept all night every night. It’s not a bloody competition. The OP is finding life hard, she doesn’t need to justify herself to you or her in laws.
Be kind to yourself OP, I’m sure you’re doing a fantastic job with your children. I personally would not take any crap from the in-laws and would tell them straight to not be so rude. Take care

Make sure your DH puts them firmly in their place.

None of their business.

It’s up to your DH to tell them to shut up and mind their own damn business
Having a child with additional needs is not a joke and takes everything out of you.
Tell your dh that it’s his duty as a husband and a father to put his parents in their places. Their vile behaviour is making you feel more depressed and anxious

Your in laws are bullies and most if the people who are horrible on this thread wouldn't say it to your face.

let your DH deal with these comments. I would cut down contact as long as it has not resolved. Nobody has the right to talk to you like that.

As for benefits - you mention DLA and tax credits. Are you not getting carera allowance. You should qualify for it if your child has DLA and you don't earn.