In laws make me feel less of a person because I don’t work.

[Bee1511]

Hi, name changed so I don’t give away my identity. Also please don’t re-post this anywhere else.

Back story, mother of two DC with additional needs. Youngest only started school in September. Oh works full time, I am a stay at home mum for the time being. We own our own home, OH earns an ok wage. We aren’t well off but get by on one wage. I will go back to work one day but right now I am finding it damn hard to find something around OH’s hours and DC, hospitals apps, school meetings, regular speech therapy etc etc. DC need routine and consistency.

Now there’s the in laws and they are always making me feel less of a person because I don’t work. Sly comments like oh you are a lady of luxury (if only), kept woman, oh you have so much time on your hands, oh you don’t know what it’s like to be tired (on a day DS barely slept and DD was up at 4am 🤛), you don’t know what it’s like to balance work and life (right maybe I don’t), why are you so tired all the time? (Bearing in mind me and OH have DC 100 percent of the time and haven’t had any time to ourselves in about 4 years), your house is only clean because you have so much time on your hands (obviously I do have more time to clean than working parents). Hats off to working parents btw. I don’t know how you do it!! saying things oh you can go back to bed after the school run (I have never done that). Telling me life is easy and I’m lazy because I get my shopping delivered (I live in the middle of nowhere with the nearest supermarket at least 30 minutes away and Food shopping makes me stressed anyway).

Calling me lazy and a benefit bum when that is far from the truth. Like I said we own our home. We don’t get any benefits based on Oh’s earnings but do receive DLA for our eldest and about £64 tax credits a week but why shouldn’t we claim what DS is entitled to.

I try and make one thing clear to them is that just because I don’t work doesn’t mean I don’t do anything. I up by 5am most days to prepare for school and sometimes I don’t stop all day. My two are like little tornados who wreck my house. There is always so much to do. I barely sit down.

I also suffer from anxiety, ocd and depression. And they add to it so much.

I’m sick of it. Every time they come over it’s petty comments.

Ironically when I met OH his mum was claiming as a single parent and not working to his much younger siblings but had her partner living there on the quiet - for about 4 years!! I never bring that up!

Surely aibu to think this is just nasty and rude?

Op I had constant criticism from my mil, not about working (because I was at the time) but about lots of different things. I didn't take it personally in the end - she was very possessive of DH - and anyone he chose to go out with/marry. But she used to do it mainly when DH was out of the room so I really understand how hurt you must be feeling.

I was youngish at the time and not assertive enough. It's easy to say, but nowadays I think I would politely but assertively address the situation during a family occasion on my territory when everyone is present, so it can't be brushed under the carpet any longer. So perhaps at a family meal? Just before you start serving could you say something like "Listen, you are welcome here, but DH and I are pretty fed up with some of the comments we have been getting from you about me currently being a sahp. It's what suits our family best at the moment, especially with the DCs SEN, so if you have anything negative to say, can we get it out the way now please?" And then sit silently and say nothing until one of them speaks.

• Perhaps not those exact words but the key is to bring the issue out in to the open at a moment when you are in control and are prepared, so they are on the back foot for once and have to justify their sniping openly and in front of everyone.

With that kind of low level nonsense I would respond with exaggerated jokes about my life of leisure while poor DH is down the mine being whipped and while the DC are quietly painting an improved version of the Mona Lisa after silently teaching themselves quantum physics as I drank champagne.

Yes, I spend 8 hours a day in bed with slaves peeling grapes for me.

I can't decide whether to spend the day at the spa while DH is breaking his back at work or whether to polish all the door knobs eighteen times.

Yes, well, we do live a life of ultimate luxury, I heard the Kardashians are jealous.

Yanbu.
Even if they had an ounce of right (they don't, your circumstances are what they are and your OH and you make choices together) the fact they attack you on the sly is horrid.

It is okay to talk back you know, and say plainly how hurtful they are and how much it Hurst both their son and you with these hurtful digs.

Dont martyr yourself by not claiming what you should.... that is not a reasonable way to be.... claim DLA for you daughter if she is entitled and carers for yourself...

Use that money to support your children -and yourself... whether its buying in some help or saving for good headphones that will help block out noise if thats an issue for your DC .. or stick it away to help them when they are older - life as an adult can be tough enough without additional needs and teh funding is much harder to come by

The hoops to jump through to get DLA makes it not easy...so please do not feel guilty about claiming - it is really important that everyone entitled claims....

why do you live in the middle of nowwhere though? I woudl look at moving as accessing support as DC get older is likely to be etter in buiser places and also the options for you to access support will be better...

as for the IL - fuck'em - just dont go over if dh wants to go he can with the DC ..... YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SEE THEM .....for any reason....
if he hasnt the guts to tell them they are out of order...just be busy...

I do family support where children have additional needs and see how exhausting it is ...

How much it hurts both...

A lot of people don't realise that there simply aren't childcare options for children who have disabilities,..........the only people I know who are carers but also work are those that have extremely hands on family who help out or manage the land the holy grail of a job in a school and even then they have understanding employers who allow time off for hospital stays and appointments. The rest are either lone carers or have a partner who works whilst they do the bulk of the caring.

In my own situation I've been a carer for 21 years, dp works and I do the bulk of care. Even that's tricky because officially ds needs 2/1 care. We aren't currently recieving any respite (( which can't be used to allow us to work )) let alone help from family who barely know my son.

It's not really about you being a SAHM. If you had a job she'd find something else to make remarks about. Bullies are like that.
You need to change your response not worry about trying to solve the thing she's using to beat you with.

I manage to work with one child with ASD due to part time hours in an NHS office role and supportive parents. My daughter has behaviour problems at school due to extreme anxiety. She ended up at special school for a while and there just isn’t wrap around care. Back in mainstream now but someone needs to be in for the school transport at the end of the day (the professionals don’t expect her to the bus due to her needs).

Juggling appointments, meetings, medication, highly anxious children on very little sleep when you are constantly worried yourself doesn’t leave a lot of energy for work. And if the childcare isn’t there working isn’t an option.

I’ve had a few negative comments from my MIL about working with little ones, I was supporting her only child to change his career so we needed the money. You can’t win with some people so just do what suits you and the children.

@Bee1511 OP you don't need to explain anything to anyone on here. You have 2 small children with additional needs who need a parent and routine. Your OH works and provides. You provide in every other way except money. I'd be making that crystal clear to in laws and make sure to add that it's none of their fucking business as they don't pay your bills or have your children so keep their snotty nose out of your family business!!

Having children without additional needs is tough. Having two with additional needs is even tougher. I salute you

Reduce contact with them, and when they do make a comment just completely agree with them, takes the wind out of their sails. Or every time your Dh leaves the room record them with your phone so he can hear what they say and why you wish to reduce contact.

If looking after your children is so easy then when they visit you can go out, surely. If they say it was a breeze, great they can do it again, if they say it was difficult, then either way you have won.

I am a SAHM with teenagers, I make no apologies to anyone about it, Dh would rather gouge his own eye out with a spoon than do housework, he is very happy for me to take it all on and why shouldn't I? I don't claim any benefits, Dh earns a decent wage and the children are happy.

I do volunteer in a primary school and have been a 1 to 1 with a KS1 child with additional need(yes I am qualified as a TA with a SEND qualification, I just choose not to earn a wage doing it) and it is exhausting. Genuinely, I find it very hard and that is with breaks from the child and at the end of the day he goes back to his parents!

Snide comments are just there to make you feel bad about yourself, don't. They don't understand the numerous appointments and trying to get childcare would be more difficult for a child with additional needs. Reduce contact, or go out when they come over. You do not have to take this crap from anyone.

I’d be telling them where to go, looking after kids and a home is a full time job. I’ve recently given up a well paid job to be a SAHM and my kids are 16 and 9, I get all the same comments “lady of luxury, “so much time on your hands” etc and it really bothers me. My husband is great though and tells everyone who comments how hard I work, my “job” is full on running around after everyone. I love it ❤️

Just to check you are married?

A woman I know whose DP's parents kept encouraging her to go back to work, knew their son was cheating on her & he left her with nothing but a huge gap on her CV.

As they weren't married he left her with no home, no income & her ex had no experience of looking after their SEN DC, so found it very difficult to do and essentially left it all to her.

Obviously the "ils" should have just told her that her "D"P had his dick in every thing that moved, but they were actually trying to protect her (in their own way) by encouraging her to be independent financially.

I have OCD, a child who didn't sleep through the night until he was 4.5 - was assessed for ASD but ended up it being his infant reflexes had not gone dormant. You do not have to justify yourself to anyone but yourself and your hubby. No-else is in your world but you. If someone was saying these things to me I would reduce contact with them. You have one life and as long as you are not hurting anyone else than you get to lead it in a way that makes you happy.

Ignore their rude comments and distance yourself a bit if you can. My own parents sometimes say stuff that isn't nice to me, but never in front of my DP - I make sure DP is always there when they come and don't give them much chance to bring up their prickly topics (my work, my weight, anything else they have thought of).

Thanks all for your kind words. Things aren’t easy at the minute. DS (8) is particularly hard work and I’m mentally and physically tired. DD is only 4. I probably claim DLA once she is diagnosed but she isn’t officially diagnosed yet. Her needs aren’t as severe DS, she sleeps well generally (other than the early starts), she is quite independent in some ways. She’s high functioning compared to DS. I know that DLA isn’t based on a diagnosis but I did wait until DS was diagnosed to claim. They both have EHCP’s though.

In laws only visit once every week or 2 (which is enough). They don’t have DC. Mil is very set in her ways that autism doesn’t exist. Me and Oh don’t have any alone time. Not even in the evenings because of DS being a nightmare to go sleep...

This week I have a school meeting, speech therapy for DD. Two apps for me.. how do working parents do it? 😭

I am going to try and relax more. I have ocd and usually my free time cleaning...

I don't understand why anyone, be they in laws or random posters on the internet, think they have the right to criticise a parent who is clearly putting the interest of their family - DC and DP - at the heart of their staying at home. Likewise, I wouldn't criticise a parent who was working outside the home to provide for their family.

Jobs with school friendly hours are like gold dust in some areas and ones that will accommodate time off for school/medical appointments even more scarce.

I doubt the in laws give two hoots about their son or their grandchildren, they're just being critical of OP because they are mean spirited people, like some posters on this thread.

OP - I wouldn't visit them if I were you. Let DH take them and have sometime to yourself - go for a coffee, a walk, a swim. Do the same when they visit you. "Oh MIL! Lovely to see you, the kids have been so looking forward to spending some time with daddy and granny. I'm just going to do some errands. Love you" Then take yourself off to Costa and enjoy a book or a podcast

My inlaws tried this with me and I pointed out that I look after four kids, two dogs, a horse and their son! Where am I going to find time for a job ?

I get a lot more in tax credits than you because DP is part time so he can do the school runs while I'm doing the horse, so his wage is fairly low.

It's nobodys business but yours how you run your family.

I would hate running round stressed trying to fit family and hobbies around 2 full time jobs, and it would be shit for the kids.

@Bee1511 next time she comments just state that it’s between you and your husband/ partner.

My sister in law has got a job as a dinner lady ... try to see if there is anything like that? If you have a car ? .. she is actually on standby and she goes to schools that need cover so it’s not all the time but it’s a start and it gets her confidence up and works well around the kids?

Good luck op find the right hours for your family’s needs for now and build your confidence up slowly I re start work in a month after having a year off and my self confidence is low about how well I am going to re integrate after so long and that’s going back into a job I know ... it must feel 10 x worse for you ( ignoring all the worries and stress of working around your kids )

Oh they sound really horrible people but PPs are right, you are going to have to tackle this if you don't want to continue to be upset. And it doesn't help that your dh is minimising the upset it causes you.

My ideas: every time they say something mean, repeat it to your husband while they are there, in a conversational way, all innocent . So, for instance, oh DH, your mother was just telling me that she thinks I'm lazy to get a supermarket shop delivered. What do you think?"

Stuff like that. and hope to god he backs you up!

Or alternatively, question everything with a "why do you think that?" with everything they say. This might be exhausting but it will also either give you the opportunity to give your reasons for the way you live your life or it will lead them to see that they are talking nonsense.

It sounds hard but I would definitely tackle it otherwise it will go on forever and wear you down. Also, I would have another chat with your husband and don't give up - tell him that you are not over sensitive, this stuff happens and it upsets you a lot and you would like him to have your back.

Good luck .

P.s I have the opposite issue I can see my mother in laws disapproving stare when my returning to work comes up 😂

I get a lot more in tax credits than you because DP is part time so he can do the school runs while I'm doing the horse, so his wage is fairly low.

so you have 4 DC, 2 dogs and a horse - all on a part time wage and the rest tax payer funded? I assume this is nothing else but a wind up.

@losingthepl0t no, why should it be?

We have a perfectly good standard of living on DP wage plus all the extras that come in.

I have my horse on DIY livery so I do all the work myself, so I can afford it. Like I say, my life, my business.

Your in-laws are twats and sadly so are a few people on this thread. The physical, mental and emotional strain taking care of anyone with additional needs and disabilities, let alone you’re own child, is immense. “Lady of leisure“ my arse

Also by all means claim exactly what your family entitled to. No one should be made to feel inferior for doing so.

Plus it is important to us both to be around as much as possible for the kids. This way there is always someone around for them before and after school, I would never want my teens to come back to an empty house, that's neglect if you ask me, they need you more as they get older.

I would never want my teens to come back to an empty house, that's neglect if you ask me, they need you more as they get older.

nice try, I am not biting though. Besides, I sm busy now. My unicorns need feeding.