In laws make me feel less of a person because I don’t work.

[Bee1511]

Hi, name changed so I don’t give away my identity. Also please don’t re-post this anywhere else.

Back story, mother of two DC with additional needs. Youngest only started school in September. Oh works full time, I am a stay at home mum for the time being. We own our own home, OH earns an ok wage. We aren’t well off but get by on one wage. I will go back to work one day but right now I am finding it damn hard to find something around OH’s hours and DC, hospitals apps, school meetings, regular speech therapy etc etc. DC need routine and consistency.

Now there’s the in laws and they are always making me feel less of a person because I don’t work. Sly comments like oh you are a lady of luxury (if only), kept woman, oh you have so much time on your hands, oh you don’t know what it’s like to be tired (on a day DS barely slept and DD was up at 4am 🤛), you don’t know what it’s like to balance work and life (right maybe I don’t), why are you so tired all the time? (Bearing in mind me and OH have DC 100 percent of the time and haven’t had any time to ourselves in about 4 years), your house is only clean because you have so much time on your hands (obviously I do have more time to clean than working parents). Hats off to working parents btw. I don’t know how you do it!! saying things oh you can go back to bed after the school run (I have never done that). Telling me life is easy and I’m lazy because I get my shopping delivered (I live in the middle of nowhere with the nearest supermarket at least 30 minutes away and Food shopping makes me stressed anyway).

Calling me lazy and a benefit bum when that is far from the truth. Like I said we own our home. We don’t get any benefits based on Oh’s earnings but do receive DLA for our eldest and about £64 tax credits a week but why shouldn’t we claim what DS is entitled to.

I try and make one thing clear to them is that just because I don’t work doesn’t mean I don’t do anything. I up by 5am most days to prepare for school and sometimes I don’t stop all day. My two are like little tornados who wreck my house. There is always so much to do. I barely sit down.

I also suffer from anxiety, ocd and depression. And they add to it so much.

I’m sick of it. Every time they come over it’s petty comments.

Ironically when I met OH his mum was claiming as a single parent and not working to his much younger siblings but had her partner living there on the quiet - for about 4 years!! I never bring that up!

Surely aibu to think this is just nasty and rude?

Show them the door when they kick off. Every time. Cheeky fuckers.

If they usually say it when OH isn't there, how about saying outright "it's so funny how you always make those comments when OH can't hear you! Why is that?".

She sounds like the sort who will make digs no matter what your circumstances are. Next time, just say pleasantly, don't you think there's any value in the kids having me at home? And let her stutter an answer out to that.

And yes, your life sounds exhausting. Go easy on yourself

Maybe when your DH comes back in the room you can ask MIL to repeat what she has just said to you.

It is significant that she is making the comments when your OH can't hear. She is a bully and cowardly too! For the moment, try to avoid situations where you are alone with her while you come up with a strategy with your OH.

I find it hard enough to work round my DC with no additional needs and work part time, and I'm in a city with good transport etc. I absolutely would and do go back to bed occasionally for a nap if time allows. You can't run on empty and your work/life is no business of anyone else's.

Tell your OH to do something about it! It's a shame he seems to be ignoring the problem.
However tax credit is most certainly income based. Not that's it's a problem though. I don't get the angst against SAHM. I'm not a SAHM but it don't have a problem with others choosing to do that. The benefits system is there and it is what it is. Sometimes it seems fair, sometimes unfair (whether too much or too little). I have no issue people claiming what they can on it. It's there for that reason. I say that as a mum of 3 working FT and getting child benefit only.

Thank you all. I often wonder if it’s a jealousy thing too. Mil didn’t have it easy when her kids were young. She also struggled to hold down a job. Their dad was a bit tight and would give her allowances each week and she struggled to buy food. clothes and school uniform for them. OH didn’t want the same for me. So he’s always been very generous about things and is absolutely fine with me not working. She should be grateful her son is happy providing for his family!

He is a great man but does need to stand up for himself and me as well! He just wants to keep the peace and says I’m over thinking things which I probably do to some extent but they are horrible at times!

They seem to resent you, is the lifestyle balance fair between your dh and you? Are you actually married or are you partners?
How is your dh coping with being the only earner?
If my in laws felt it was OK to make those kinds of comments I would put some distance in place between us to make it clear some respect was needed. Over familiarity can end up bringing out the judgeypants.

OP this isnt about work its about how you feel making the right decisions for your family.Your kids sound like they need you far more than any job would! You have made a tough decision but the right one in being there for your children.It is far from easy stepping out of the workplace and being a stay at home mum especially when you have a child who has additional needs to care for, How about handling it by every time they say something you say in a light tinkly voice..something like "oh I was wondering when you were going to bring that up again..I was waiting for the critisism to start, I thought you were going to disappoint me but you havent ! every time you say the same things are you even aware you are doing it? shame them into shutting up and shut them down at every opportunity.I know you dislike confrontation but I am sure you would do anything to protect your kids so protect yourself too...you owe them nothing.Also you could try when they start going on about your charmed life (yeah right lol!) say yes its fabulous isnt it!! Theres not much they can come back with if you make a statement like that!!!

It probably is jealousy. I had this with my DSis for a long while and it is very hard to deal with as irrational and people generally won't admit to feeling it. Just ensure you aren't alone with her.

I am at grandparents who would actually want to make their GCs' lives harder, but I guess it's not rational.

@oblada. I am not sure how it works. When we started claiming DLA. We had to let tax credits know (we were only receiving about £10 a week at the time) and they added on another £64 based on my sons DLA claim. We don’t receive anything based on Oh’s earnings now but still receive £64 Odd a week?

Don't feel guilty about claiming DLA for your son, he's entitled to it. David Cameron claimed it for his son.
As someone with a child with special needs, a lot of people do not realise the extra attention and time they will need, leaving you less time to work or do other things.

Parenting children with additional needs is challenging and tiring and how a family arranged itself to manage the extra levels of care required is no one else’s business.

You have two parents. One is taking care of the finances, the other is doing the hands on caring. That’s perfectly sensible. Anyone who has an opinion ability that, or who feels the man here is some kind of benefactor is being a dick. Anyone with questions about benefits you are entitled too is a dick

Don’t justify yourself . It’s no one else’s business.
Some of the people on this thread are also dicks btw

I would have said, "Why don't you mind your own damned business," by now. That would shut them up.

The only thing ridiculous about your situation is the fact your are not claiming what you are entitled to. Why on earth not? It sounds like you could do with the money and a cushion would make your life easier. Don’t feel guilty about claiming.

Tell them that you've started applying for full time work. Tell them that your OH will need to therefore change his work to fit around your DC.

You should absolutely claim benefits for your dd if she is entitled to them, and carers allowance for you. It's not just that the money will make things easier for all of you, it opens the door to other things. Just having a day out as a family will he more affordable as carers generally go free to attractions and stuff.

My dsis was similarly torn (her dd has a severe form of epilepsy). She claimed for DLA, then cried when she got it, because it was an acknowledgement that her dd was really ill. But it makes their lives easier in so many ways. Absolutely no one I know frowns on people recieving disability benefits, especially not for dcs. I wish there was more money available if I am honest. Don't fall for the Tory propaganda that sick people could do better if they just weren't lazy. Claim everything and anything you can.

OP, ignore the ignorant comments on here about benefits, they are for your children and you should claim for your DD too, don't be a martyr just because of what people may think or feelings of guilt. Benefits are there for people like your DC, it's nobody else's business.

You and your DH are happy with the situation, your in laws are rude and he should be calling them out on it.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss. What a horrible comment ‘especially as the household isn’t self supporting and claiming benefits’

Did you actually read what the op said? Two children with special needs, requiring medical appointments others don’t need? Children are hard work, those with special needs often harder. As to the benefits they are claiming what they are entitled to for the son, and would get the tax credits anyway.

Until you are in that situation you can’t judge. What you should be doing is judging the mil who obviously defrauded the benefit system. If her husband is happy with the situation then it’s no business of anyone else, including the in laws how they run their family

Stop being so judgemental

@Bee1511 I would be trying to manoeuvre the situation so you are not alone with them, or try and answer back, ‘oh mil you are so funny, at least I didn’t commit benefit fraud ‘

Is there any reason why they are at your house other than to visit?

I would be saying to your partner that you don't want any more visits if she is going to continue these back handed comments. He needs to stop gaslighting you when you mention it and stand up to you.

Really it needs to come from him, he needs to say that he's happy with you staying at home, so it's none of her business and the comments need to stop. Some men prefer their partner not to work as they know they would be much busier (with childcare and housework) if they both worked.

I agree with previous poster, you have 2 DC with additional needs, claim what you are entitled to, and use it for things to help you and your children.
As for PIL you are going to have to either stand up for yourself or accept it.
DP isn't going to say anything and they are smart enough to not say things in front of him so you have to defend yourself.
You are doing what's best for your family and it has nothing to do with them.
Next time she says something make a dig back, it will soon stop when they realise you are not going to take it, alternatively stop going round to see them.

I wonder why they think it would be better for their grandchildren to be in childcare which often cannot properly cater for children with different needs. No one is going to do as good a job of responding to their needs than their mum. You have nothing to feel bad about OP, you are doing what is best for you and your family, the in laws seem blinkered and hypocritical. Ignore, I know it's easier said than done.

Maybe if they are so keen for you to work you should suggest they have the DC so you can do a 'trial shift' or whatever, I'm sure that will bring home how much you do.

I know only too well how you are feeling and I am sending a very big, unmumsnetty hug. I don't think that this set up sounds like a lifestyle choice at all - it sounds like a couple making sensible decisions in hard circumstances.

You can't pour from an empty cup and I think that you need to rest more when you can. I remember hallucinating from lack of sleep - it's awful and will have a huge impact on your physical and mental health.

I agree with other posters that your MIL sounds like a bully. I suspect that you will have to allow yourself to calmly tell her to go to hell to stop her.

Do you meet any other parents who have kids with SN? Being in touch with parents who have kids with the same issues as my daughter has helped me.

Just keep swimming xxxx

Do they help at all with your DC OP?