In laws make me feel less of a person because I don’t work.

[Bee1511]

Hi, name changed so I don’t give away my identity. Also please don’t re-post this anywhere else.

Back story, mother of two DC with additional needs. Youngest only started school in September. Oh works full time, I am a stay at home mum for the time being. We own our own home, OH earns an ok wage. We aren’t well off but get by on one wage. I will go back to work one day but right now I am finding it damn hard to find something around OH’s hours and DC, hospitals apps, school meetings, regular speech therapy etc etc. DC need routine and consistency.

Now there’s the in laws and they are always making me feel less of a person because I don’t work. Sly comments like oh you are a lady of luxury (if only), kept woman, oh you have so much time on your hands, oh you don’t know what it’s like to be tired (on a day DS barely slept and DD was up at 4am 🤛), you don’t know what it’s like to balance work and life (right maybe I don’t), why are you so tired all the time? (Bearing in mind me and OH have DC 100 percent of the time and haven’t had any time to ourselves in about 4 years), your house is only clean because you have so much time on your hands (obviously I do have more time to clean than working parents). Hats off to working parents btw. I don’t know how you do it!! saying things oh you can go back to bed after the school run (I have never done that). Telling me life is easy and I’m lazy because I get my shopping delivered (I live in the middle of nowhere with the nearest supermarket at least 30 minutes away and Food shopping makes me stressed anyway).

Calling me lazy and a benefit bum when that is far from the truth. Like I said we own our home. We don’t get any benefits based on Oh’s earnings but do receive DLA for our eldest and about £64 tax credits a week but why shouldn’t we claim what DS is entitled to.

I try and make one thing clear to them is that just because I don’t work doesn’t mean I don’t do anything. I up by 5am most days to prepare for school and sometimes I don’t stop all day. My two are like little tornados who wreck my house. There is always so much to do. I barely sit down.

I also suffer from anxiety, ocd and depression. And they add to it so much.

I’m sick of it. Every time they come over it’s petty comments.

Ironically when I met OH his mum was claiming as a single parent and not working to his much younger siblings but had her partner living there on the quiet - for about 4 years!! I never bring that up!

Surely aibu to think this is just nasty and rude?

If she thinks autism doesn't exist then I doubt any explanation you give her will be good enough. You need to accept you'll never win with these people and stop trying to.

OK losing.

Not sure why it is so hard for you to believe that there are more important things than slogging your life away in an office cubicle to make money for someone else, being permanently stressed and exhausted, never seeing your kids, and coming out of it with a bit of money to spend on crap you don't need.

I value time spent with my family , time pursuing my own hobbies interests, and time spent in nature and around animals for my spiritual and emotional health. my life is rich even if i am not. My choice!

I would like some unicorns, though

I think some people have really bought into the Arbeit match frei mentality and don't get that going out to work may not be the best option for every circumstance

@MyhorseMyfreedom there's nothing wrong with your set up if it works for you. But your post about teens coming home to empty houses being neglect is bullshit. You think everyone can afford to be at home? You're being judgmental about those that have no choice but to work, yet you don't want people judging you?

Ignore all the while you can.

I have a 16yr old autistic son. During his childhood I've had periods of full time work, part time work and life on full benefits.

Currently we get nothing.

Nobody understands the reality of supporting a disabled child unless they live it.

The comment by @FlyingPenguine earlier has to be one of the more revolting things I've read on here recently. Sadly some folk are sad enough to envy any kind of benefit ...even the ones only given to disabled children. It says more about them than you.

You don't need to justify your lifestyle choice to anyone, especially people on here.
Everyone can think what they like but there is no need for people like your ils to voice it and be so rude.

Op you should claim dla now for your dd there is no point in waiting. Also claim carers allowance.

OP, your MIL is a nasty bully.

Of course you should claim for everything you are entitled to.
That's why they exist.

@CalmdownJanet
Word for word👍

I am shock at grandparents who would actually want to make their GCs' lives harder, but I guess it's not rational

Why would you be shocked at some grandparents wouldn’t want their grandchildren to be raised on benefits? Nothing to do with making their lives harder, if the children are at school there’s no difference to their lives if parents are at home or work.

I’d claim all the benefits to which you are entitled - that’s the key word here - it’s no one’s business but yours . Your mil sounds awful .
I’d cut down on visits to her or having her at your home . It’ll cut down on the sniping from the sidelines she’s able to do . Putting up with her toxicity is probably even more tiring than the workload you have on your plate ! Another poster has mentioned she’s probably unhappy her son is working full time and you are not . I know which I’d prefer to do if I had the choice . You are already worn out without a job !

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss first of all, they're not living on benefits. Their father works.

Secondly, are you purposely choosing to ignore the part about the benefits being for DISABILITIES, which are not a choice, just to fuel your never ending benefit bashing posts?

Waxon, if you bother to read my post I’m on about my own life/family and what I would want for my grandchildren may vary from others.

The OPs ILs are likely just looking out for their son as he’s the only one in employment. They don’t appear to care about the benefit element and have claimed themselves before. Most people still care about their adult children and would comment on decisions made if they felt ther benefitted one side more than the other. It’s human nature to protect your children regardless of age.

Most people still care about their adult children and would comment on decisions made if they felt ther benefitted one side more than the other.

How is it benefitting the OP? She's not out lunching with her friends. She's running the house and the children's medical issues so her DH doesn't have to.

No job is going to be flexible enough for multiple meetings and appointments for the children.

IceCream yes, it is, but if the OP's husband is happy with the decision (and there is nothing to suggest he isn't) then what business is it of the in laws? And if they were so "concerned", why not just have a quiet word with their son and ask if all is OK rather than make nasty comments to OP?

A decent grandparent would want their grandchild to have the best life possible which in this situation would be suggesting the parents claim all possible disability related benefits and understanding that it may not be best for the family for both parents to work. It's a shame some grandparents only care about how things look and not about their actual family.

I disagree that it's the same experience for the child if both parents work to one parent at home. Schools finish at 3; work at 5 (if you're lucky). Medical appointments are almost always during the work day. You really do not want both parents trading off the necessity of the appointment against the likelihood of being fired.

I haven't got an axe to grind. I have never wanted to 'stay at home' and my DD is in after school club most days. I wouldn't want to work in the OP's position. Maybe freelance a bit if I could.

The only opinion that matters is your DH.

My dd is 10 and I thought I’d be working more by now. But we have had a slew of diagnoses related to not being NT Which means all sorts of appointments for treatment and intervention. Plus she has bad asthma which means every little Sniffle means at best days sick and very likely trips to the hospital. I can barely manage the 20 hours a week I have now. If I worked more hours I would be fired for excessive absences.

@SnuggyBuggy your words are offensive as fuck

My inlaws tried this with me and I pointed out that I look after four kids, two dogs, a horse and their son! Where am I going to find time for a job ?

This has no relevance to the OPs situation. People choose to have horses and dogs. They don't choose to have children with additional needs. If you're insuring yourself against going back to work in this way, good for you. Maybe the OP would like some realistic options.

OP should do whatever is right did her family and avoid digging herself into a hole about the rights and wrongs of working that she might struggle to get out of later.

I don't think it's jealousy OP but more that your in laws think you are being lazy and can hold down a job and be mother to the kids.

@ChongADong they aren't my words, it's the title of an 1873 Novel by Lorenz Diefenbach and it perfectly sums up the simplistic attitude many have to work. It's not always liberating or even practical for every person in every circumstance to go out to work.

because you are already looking for work and therefore not taking the piss.

She would not be taking the piss even if she were not looking for work. She is looking after children with additional needs who need her constant attention. There is often no viable alternative childcare options for children with ASD, and often the child cannot cope with the change of routine of having their main carer go back to work. No one should be blaming her for putting the needs of her children above working- having children with additional needs is difficult enough as it is.

Anyone else wonder how many of those nightmare MIL posts are from @IceCreamAndCandyfloss DIL?? 😂😂

Don't be a martyr op, if you're entitled then claim, don't be too proud! Don't beat yourself up over what other people think either, I've learned since becoming a parent is that everyone thinks you're doing something wrong! I've lost nights of tears tying myself in knots worrying about it....I now don't care, as long as my daughter is healthy and happy I'm not bothered what other people think! They don't live in your home or live your life, you and your husband have made this decision between you equally taking into account what is best for your family and no-one else. They sound like the kind of people who would moan of you went back to work and out your children into childcare....you won't win! Ignore em