In laws make me feel less of a person because I don’t work.

[Bee1511]

Hi, name changed so I don’t give away my identity. Also please don’t re-post this anywhere else.

Back story, mother of two DC with additional needs. Youngest only started school in September. Oh works full time, I am a stay at home mum for the time being. We own our own home, OH earns an ok wage. We aren’t well off but get by on one wage. I will go back to work one day but right now I am finding it damn hard to find something around OH’s hours and DC, hospitals apps, school meetings, regular speech therapy etc etc. DC need routine and consistency.

Now there’s the in laws and they are always making me feel less of a person because I don’t work. Sly comments like oh you are a lady of luxury (if only), kept woman, oh you have so much time on your hands, oh you don’t know what it’s like to be tired (on a day DS barely slept and DD was up at 4am 🤛), you don’t know what it’s like to balance work and life (right maybe I don’t), why are you so tired all the time? (Bearing in mind me and OH have DC 100 percent of the time and haven’t had any time to ourselves in about 4 years), your house is only clean because you have so much time on your hands (obviously I do have more time to clean than working parents). Hats off to working parents btw. I don’t know how you do it!! saying things oh you can go back to bed after the school run (I have never done that). Telling me life is easy and I’m lazy because I get my shopping delivered (I live in the middle of nowhere with the nearest supermarket at least 30 minutes away and Food shopping makes me stressed anyway).

Calling me lazy and a benefit bum when that is far from the truth. Like I said we own our home. We don’t get any benefits based on Oh’s earnings but do receive DLA for our eldest and about £64 tax credits a week but why shouldn’t we claim what DS is entitled to.

I try and make one thing clear to them is that just because I don’t work doesn’t mean I don’t do anything. I up by 5am most days to prepare for school and sometimes I don’t stop all day. My two are like little tornados who wreck my house. There is always so much to do. I barely sit down.

I also suffer from anxiety, ocd and depression. And they add to it so much.

I’m sick of it. Every time they come over it’s petty comments.

Ironically when I met OH his mum was claiming as a single parent and not working to his much younger siblings but had her partner living there on the quiet - for about 4 years!! I never bring that up!

Surely aibu to think this is just nasty and rude?

I don't think they should comment on this. You do your work with the children appointments, nights, housework and cooking. This allows your husband to work outwith the home. If you and he are content with this that is all that matters. My advice is to tell them calmly but firmly that you find these sly digs upsetting and unfair and you'd like them to stop. Do it yourself - stand up for yourself; they'll be much less likely to do it again (they may not like you much after for a bit but do you care? I wouldn't because they don't sound very nice!

OP, in terms of this thread, and the impact of what your in-laws are saying you need to distinguish between information and opinions that are relevant and those that are irrelevant to your situation.

Your family has to be your first priority. I really feel for you because the impact of not working in a society that only values work, is huge. But like you, I have to consider how indulging a desire to work and be treated with basic respect will impact on the quality of care my ds receives. It’s ridiculous that we have to deal with that pressure on top of everything else but it’s the way it is.

I’ve learned that the opinions of people who judge my lifestyle are IRRELEVANT I’m not a lady of leisure, a lady who lunches or a kept woman. They don’t know what they’re talking about so I have learned to dismiss it as nonsense. If I were being paid to make decisions I’d also have to sort through the dross and evaluate which information was relevant.

I am hugely grateful for my ds who goes out to work and provides for his family. He’s bloody grateful that I stay home and manage our dc’ needs and neither of us want to swop places.

Anyone who thinks I don’t work because I don’t get paid is clearly short of thinking. And anyone who thinks I would be a net contributer to the state if I wasn’t doing what I do is not in full possession of the facts. I am too busy and tired to attempt to educate idiots.

What your in laws are saying is irrelevant and please don’t let the content of it impact your family decisions. Don’t base life changing decisions on the advice of people who do t know what they are talking about.

However....

All of that is just clouding the real issue that your in-laws are sneaky, mean bullies. What they say is one thing but saying it quietly behind your husband’s back is another. Your issue isn’t whether you should work but that you are being bullied. That’s the part you need to deal with.

They sound horribly rude op, and I am also shocked at some of the comments on here!

You can afford to not work. It suits your family (your kids and your dh) for you to be available during the day for hospital visits etc.
Where is this magical, school hours job which will allow you to take regular time off for dc's appointments without getting pissy about it?
Of course if you HAD to go back to work, you would make it work somehow, people do... But it would be very difficult, for you and your dh (who would surely have to pick up a lot more slack) and sounds like it would have a negative impact on your dc if they need routine.
(Although I guess that you in-laws would still see all the hospital appointments, night wakings and housework as your job even if you worked full time).
But why would you make life more difficult and stressful for everyone, when you have another option?
I work ft with one school aged DC who has no additional needs and it can be difficult. Dh pulls his weight too though, and I bear no resentment to sahm. Different circumstances, different options available, everyone should do what suits them and their family best imo.

Also Op please claim what you are entitled to. The money is there to help you take care of the children
The day you stop giving a hoot about your MIL’s opinion, is the day that you will feel free.
Tbh, if it were me , MIL wouldn’t even be allowed in my home. She’s making you miserable so she needs to stay away until she learns to mind her own damn business.

She should be grateful her son is happy providing for his family!

She probably never considered that he wouldn't... so she's probably concerned that all the responsibility of earning money is on him; rather than shared. Although it's not her choice, and she should be quiet about it unless you ask for an opinion or you/your DH borrow money from them.

Does your DH ever respond with that you're both happy with the current set up? That might help, and if it doesn't, you might need to go a bit stronger with your reply.

Agee with those who say that MIL is a bully.
She’s jealous

They're idiots who are not worth taking any notice of. Have they not even spent enough time with their DGC to see the difficulties that you face day in day out?

Not a practical solution for obvious reasons, but if you dropped them both off at their house for the day, and when you get the inevitable phone call that one of them is having a meltdown or they need help with some aspect of their care, you would tell them - see, this is what my life is like every single day and why I cannot work, because I'd have to be leaving to see to urgent problems with your DC more often than even the most sympathetic employer would allow for. Plus the appointments and lack of local services.

And you absolutely should claim carers allowances and all the benefits you are entitled to. Carer's allowance in particular is small compensation for the very fact that you cannot, or it would be very difficult for you to take up paid work .

Please claim all the benefits you are entitled to - you are not really being fair to your own family if you don't!

“I think you need to stop saying this. It isn’t your business and you don’t know what you are talking about. If you have a problem with the way our family runs, bring it up with your son. I won’t be discussing it with you any more. Oh, I meant to ask, have you been watching The Crown?”

To all the posters saying DH should deal with this.
Why?
She is a person in her own right, she has a voice.
Stand up for yourself OP.
Dont let one comment go unchallenged.

Sorry this is a bit negative. Although your DD may be coping fine now transition to secondary school may be far more difficult.

Start the ball rolling now for her to get DLA and an EHCP these things often have to be appealed and fought for - that's a full time job on its own for a few years...

I agree that when your DH comes back in the room say something like "So MIL you were just saying x y z? What is your problem with our decisions?" Call her out on it in front of DH every time.

When we started claiming DLA. We had to let tax credits know (we were only receiving about £10 a week at the time) and they added on another £64 based on my sons DLA claim. We don’t receive anything based on Oh’s earnings now but still receive £64 Odd a week

You are entitled to more tax credits if you have a disabled child. A relative of mine was surprised to find a large TC payment land in her bank account one day and on investigation it turned out it was the extra tax credits backdated to the date of diagnosis or initial claim or something - her DH has a reasonably well paid full time job and she works a few hours a week, but is also entitled to carers allowance and the DLA for her DS with SNs.

YANBU. I also agree with past posters about disability benefits; you should claim everything available - they are non-means tested for a reason. If your MIL complains about it, ask her why she wants to deprive her grandchildren of funding to which they are legally entitled. Your daughter's ASD challenges aren't less valid than your son's, regardless of the differences; if you can claim DLA for her, go ahead and claim it. x

I don't think you can claim carers allowance if your son is on low rate DLA. He has to be on middle rate care at least.

My in laws are the same. Especially SIL who works full time but has the in laws take care of all her child care needs, picking them up at 7am feeding dressing then sending to school, dropping them back half hour before bedtime. That's the life of Riley in my book lol.

My youngest has had significant health problems since birth and in recent years has also been diagnosed ASD. Docs recently told us she has a syndrome that is the reason for her health and ASD diagnosis.

My life consists of being up every few hours each night, the physio and medical needs start at 6am. Meds needing administrating through the day which my child will only take from me so I'm back down school every 3 hours! That's if the school don't ring to ask me to collect early, on a reduced timetable right now.My child self harms and lashes out at me. School can't cope. There's no suitable special school place atm. Secondary school is looming with absolutely no chance of my child managing at a mainstream high school, so I'm preparing to home school which will mean not even an hour in the day to myself.

Yet I have the life of Riley, sit on my lazy arse all day, lady of leisure blah blah blah. None of the in laws have ever offered me any help or spent any time alone with my child, yet think they know it all.

I let my husband deal with them and limit any time I do have to spend with them x

YANBU but I don’t really understand what you want from this? Either tell them it’s not their business and it’s rude so stop. Or If you don’t want to and they say it when your husband is out of earshot, tell your husband. If he can’t / won’t address it with them then refuse to visit his parents. Your children have another parent who can help maintain a relationship with them if they can’t be civil to their mother.

If you can care for carers allowance then I think you should. It is there to help people exactly like you. If them knowing about that woukd be a problem, then either do t tell then, or say it is the government "paying your wage" - crap as the amount is- as it is acknowledged that you are actually doing a job. Having kids with additional needs is hard - it is a 24 /7 job with no let up. I bet the in laws haven't offered to babysit? Perhaps they should do a day and then tell you that it's a walk in the park.

I think if it was me I think of a one liner to say every time the in-laws make and a comment and then just keep repeating it. ‘As I said earlier this arrangement is working well for my family at the moment and how we arrange our family set up is nobody else’s business ‘and say it every time they comment.

Op claim dla for your daughter. It is not fair to her as when over 18 she may have different needs and you will make help far harder for her to get because you didn't claim it now. Asd changes over the years but in some ways it's harder as they grow up because they almost need protecting from themselves more and also other people who now see them as adult. Also they get sucked into obsessions more.

Also you can use it to make all of your lives easier as it is intended to.
Even millionaires can claim dla for their children as it's for the child's additional needs. David Cameron claimed it.

Icecreamandcandyfloss is either a rude, bitter person or a troll, either way, don't feed the troll.

Also say to your in laws to stop their comments or they are not welcome in your house and you will not be visiting them. You do not need your children hearing what they say when life is hard enough already. I'd ask them to help you for x amount of hours each day so that you can get a job and as they are obviously not willing to then tell them to back off and shut up. I would also mention to your mil, her old situation and tell her to stop being a hypocrite. You need to stop being silent as does your husband. Their words would almost likely stop when confronted.

This thread shows though why the government has been able to cut disability benefits. The vast majority really do not care. They do not care if you get no sleep due to sen needs or if you then can't care for their needs properly. They do not care about the vast mental strain it takes to get through the day with sen children. It's physically but overwhelmingly mentally exhausting.

But as so many people have this attitude the govt will probably get away with continuing to cut services and social care and benefits.

If receive carers allowance and you should too as you are both a carer and a mummy. The govt should be ashamed with paying £64 a week for a 178 hour week. I've saved the govt thousands, if I went to work it actually costs the govt more to look after my child than if I stayed at home.

There is really no need to get upset about Icecreamandcandyfloss

she has a form for this nonsense. so guess she is just bored and likes to troll wind up people. Best to ignore her

OP - tax credits are means based but also based on circumstances so having children and indeed children with disabilities will affect that, definitely.
Claim all the benefits you are entitled to and support your family the way you want to. It's no one else's business whether or not you choose to work outside the home.
Are you claiming child benefit? As above its worth it even if your OH earns over 50/60k, to ensure your NI contributions are paid on your end, for state pension later down the line.

You inlaws would hate me then. I don't work, DH supports me and we don't even have any children.
Honestly I wouldn't see them any more. Rude horrible people.

Would you consider saying, the next time she makes a comment out of DH's hearing, "Hang on, let's ask DH if he agrees" and call him over.

Or, if you don't feel able to launch into a lengthy response, just give a bored mental shrug and say, "Is that right?" or, "If you say so..." EVERY time. You can finish off that sentence each time in your head with 'you benefits cheat' and a head smile (or an actual quietly amused smile).

Definitely do reconsider claiming Carers Allowance and DLA for your other child. Everything helps, even if you are managing at the moment, and if nothing else might provide a little financial cushioning.

I wonder if your feelings about claiming it are affected in any way by your MIL's previous fraudulent benefits claim.

They are rude. From their perspective, they probably don't want you taking advantage of their son, and want the best for him in terms of not having to struggle. However, they should try harder to stay out of it, no matter how they feel, because you are already looking for work and therefore not taking the piss.

For many years I didn't claim dla for Ds1 because I felt their were people worse off than us, we were just managing, I was too proud etc..
So I understand where you're coming from but please please consider applying for dla for your daughter and carers for you. It will ease the financial pressure, I use the dla for car park and petrol money for the hospital visits and to pay childcare for the younger two when older one goes to hospital appointments. It also covers the extra cost of clothing (sensory issues mean I can't buy the cheapest), provides a specific diet that cost more than standard equivalent. It definitely never pays fur luxury lifestyle. It's also meant hes been given a computer through family fund and has opened doors for him. The carers allowance would also mean that your national insurance contributions continue after the children turn 12 and you can let your mil know your bringing in money not that it matters as what you are doing is a selfless act for your children.
Can you use the time the dc are at school to catch up on sleep, maybe access some counselling /support for your self and if you had carers allowance use just a small amount to do something nice for you. Or pay for childcare that is suitable for your children and spend some time just you and dh.
After years of refusing benefits me and my Ds1 are entitled to I now am very grateful for them as they make things a tiny bit easier. Being a parent of a child with extra needs is not easy I've come to the realisation what ever I can do to make things easier for me has a positive knock on effect to my dc.
Please consider what people have said here to help you and your family and please please ignore anyone that says you need to go to work your doing a job any of them wouldn't be able to cope with 9-5 never mind 24/7.