Aibu to ask what your pets online dating profile would look like?

[nethunsinthatway]

My dog would be:

Handsome chap seeks female for long walks, bottom sniffing and cuddles. Naturally a little needy by nature, I can guarantee that I’ll
Give you lots of attention. Am a bit of a mummy’s boy, but am sure my happy charm (and ability to chase a ball) will win you over.

Gorgeous (and I know it) Bengal feline seeks underling to shower me with affection and fine cuts of meat in return for...hmmm, I'll let you know.

@LegoLady95 oh lucky you ... bengals are gorgeous (and yes they do know it

My Guinea pig

Looking for one or two nice girls to take care of all my needs. Naturally I will be the boss of you both, but I'm an utter charmer and gorgeous to boot. Obviously I would need to get.first dibs on the yummy salad that my servants provide on a daily basis but I'll let you eat the bits I'm not so keen on

Not sure he's going to get a date

Join me for squirrel chasing fun in the park followed by relaxing in front to the open fire.
Must be equally devoted to my human but always understand that she loves me the most.

Geriatric-cat seeks someone wimpier than me to bully since I am currently bottom of the pecking order. Expect hisses swipes & dry humping. I can't yowl & like to stare at walls. There will be fierce competition for premium space by the fire.

My cat.
Handsome, thoughtful chap, seeks feline to go hunting with. Loves cuddling up on the sofa and leisurely strolls. Prefers sunny climates and the countryside. Does have a lazy streak but very dependable.

My cat would write:
Pretty,middle aged green eyed cat seeks no one as I’m a strong independent female. I own my own home and employ 2 live in staff who work tirelessly for my undivided attention, which they rarely get. I can resort to violence in extreme circumstances, such as the dreamies supply being removed or too much stroking. No sense of humour. Full set of teeth and claws. Call me and I’ll ignore you until I’m ready to respond.

Mature, dark, irish, former elite athlete. Loves carnivorous meals, strolls in the park stopping every 2 seconds and randomly kicking off for no reason. Seeks bitch. End of.

Young, handsome black cat with amazing eyes seeks older female to cuddle and roll around with. Hissers and slashers need not apply.

Older female cat who likes to hiss and slash seeks nobody. Get lost the lot of you.

My dog would be
Middle aged , athletic build seeks companion who can run for six hours , not mind when I sod off and leave you for half an hour as I'm chasing a scent and then sleep somewhere else as the sofa is all mine, oh and the toys are mine , the food is mine and also all the humans.

Oh sleeping arrangements would be interesting... mine would say “if you can also squeeze yourself between my humans fine, but you can’t take my spot”

Semi long haired cat with stomach issues and associated odours seeks companion who is willing to share food, but also to stay at arms length and not interact. Ever.

My cat:
Queen of the house (especially the kitchen worktops) doesn't seek anyone as she already possess an adequate human, and all you other felines and humans are vastly inferior. In fact, your very existence offends her greatly. Just piss off.

Oh gosh reading these I’m missing having a cat. I also used to have a Dog with a very feline personality - there’s something rather bewitching about the fact that you have to earn their affection.

Stubborn ginger haired lady, with commanding voice and an excessive love of (dead) feathers and fur, seeks knee height companion to share a hatred of all delivery men, builders and postmen.

Potentially suitable applicants will be trialled, with points scored on how many house intruders they scare away.

Sensitive, well groomed independent gentleman cat looking for love. Currently single, or at least not in any committed relationships. Open minded regarding gender, sex or species.

Mine is so gorgeous she doesn't need a dating profile. She's having to beat them off with a stick as it is...and that's just the humans!

When I had a dog the dating profile would have been easy.

Dog seeks companion and food. Any companion. And any food. Please say you like me. Do you like me? Do you have any food? What if I do this? Do you like me now? Do you have food now? Love me. I'm lovable. You won't regret it.

My Dog:

Lovable rogue looking for partner in crime.
I will help you to sniff out anything your heart desires as long as it's food.
We can go for walks in the park or relax in the sofa, as long as there is food.
I will be your best friend and always faithful, as long as you have food.

Cat 1 - mummy issues-I hate everyone but my mum but will give my dad time of day once a week in exchange for food. Butter pervert, I’m at my nicest to you when you’re eating toast (must be lurpak). Can tolerate touch for 2.7 seconds before I attack. I think my sister has been placed on this earth purely so I can attack her at every opportunity. TLDR - hates people, loves butter, wants to remain single.

Cat 2 - sensitive soul but once you have my trust I’m yours forever. I don’t eat much, very ladylike and dainty appetite but still have junk in the trunk-big bum lovers can apply. Would like long walks and cuddles and to finally get away from my sister for some peace.
TLDR - likes people, hates butter, wants to find true love

My Bengal would write:

Beautiful, high maintenance older lady seeks willing slave admirer to cater to my every whim & treat me like the queen I know I am. I am looking for a serious relationship and will not entertain being anything other than being the only cat in your life. Interests include chasing string for hours, napping, hour long cuddles on your lap whilst holding encasing your hand with my paws, dribbling, being petted, scarfing down dreamies, spraying furniture if I'm annoyed and yowling in a primeval manner. Friends would describe me as chatty, with an opinion on everything!

Fluffy yellow bird seeks chick!

Young, rather handsome maine coon looking for a spritely female to alternately tear around the house and sleep on the sofa with. Also enjoy chatting at the birds through the window, and would appreciate help pinning the humans down so I can chew their hair, but you can't share my food, sorry.

Dog

Distinguished older gentledog seeks lady friend who likes slow walks. Will take the last bite of your food, after sniffing it for 2-3 minutes and deciding whether it's up to scratch.
Extremely particular, fussy, quite manipulative and good at giving a sad face. You will need to be at my beck and call.
Looks good in a bow tie.

Family cats would be:

Cat1 (Female):
Look but don't touch. Looking for a mate to pamper me like a princess, be warned I will get bored quite easily and move on to the next best furry friend. Feed me like the queen I am. Looking for someone with no children and and empty window ledge.

Cat2 (Male):
Looking for an affectionate mate. Can handle my
cat mood swings. Must lay a blanket out for me at night time. Must be aware I do not like venturing out the furthest I go is the back garden
Must have a garden.

Cat3 (Male):
Up for anything and everything. Like to sniff a lot of butts and pounce on females. Like to be wrapped up like a baby in my favourite blanket. Like to watch you bathe and have a nibble on toes when I walk past them (I just can't help myself)

We have a weird bunch 🙃